Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • [theme music]

  • [sniffing]

  • -Cock-a-doodle-doo!

  • Cock-a-doodle-doo!

  • -, you're a wolf not cockerel.

  • Please try to remember that.

  • ZOLTAN: I'm sorry, Master Vlad.

  • Your father wants to see you straight away.

  • -Well, that doesn't sound very good.

  • Is he angry?

  • -No, he's not angry.

  • -Whew.

  • -He's furious.

  • He's been reading you're school report.

  • -But my report's good.

  • -Yes, that seems to be the problem.

  • RENFIELD: Vlad is a nice boy who is a pleasure to teach.

  • -Nice?

  • Nice!

  • You're a vampire, Vlad, and vampires are never nice.

  • Not even at Christmas.

  • -Dad, I'm not like you.

  • I can't do charming and deadly.

  • -No, but you can do pathetic and loser really well.

  • Face it, Dad, he's just not cut out to be a vampire.

  • Me, on the other hand--

  • RENFIELD: Ingrid is a born troublemaker who delights

  • in causing as much destruction to the class as possible.

  • -Oh, Ingrid.

  • Can't you see I'm busy with the future Count Dracula here.

  • -But I'm the eldest.

  • I want to inherit the title.

  • [laughter]

  • COUNT DRACULA: Mmm.

  • Countess Dracula.

  • -Countess Dracula?

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's a good one.

  • RENFIELD: That's a good one.

  • -Now Vlad, I want to wake up and smell the coffee.

  • Now promise me-- promise you'll try

  • harder to cause trouble at school.

  • -Yes, Dad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's my boy.

  • [sighs]

  • [paper ripping]

  • -Robin is moody and difficult in class.

  • He only cheers up when he's dissecting a frog.

  • Please, could you ask him not to do this during maths.

  • PAUL: Morning.

  • -Morning.

  • -Why the long faces?

  • -It's Robin's school report.

  • It's not good.

  • -Well, we can't all be child geniuses, Little Miss Einstein.

  • -Besides, how many GCSE's you need to be a grave digger?

  • -Ha.

  • Ha.

  • Shouldn't you two be up playing rugby

  • and getting badly injured?

  • -Come on, I'm hungry.

  • Race you to the muesli?

  • -Oh, Robin.

  • Why can't you be happy like Ian and Paul?

  • -They're not happy.

  • They can cursed.

  • -Look, Robin.

  • Mum and Dad just don't want you to end up on the streets,

  • having to beg people for money.

  • -And my Dad wants me to end up on the streets

  • making people beg for their lives.

  • -You just can't keep away, can you, Ingrid?

  • You're drawn to me like moth to a flame.

  • INGRID: Drop dead, Branagh.

  • If you think I'm going to stand back and watch you inherit

  • my castle, you're more stupid than he looks.

  • VLAD: Do you think I like being Count, Junior?

  • Dad's waited 600 years for a son and heir.

  • Would have made my life a lot easier if I was born a girl.

  • -You know you really shouldn't say that out loud.

  • INGRID: I'm going to show Dad why I should be his favorite.

  • I'm going to be the biggest troublemaker

  • this school has ever seen.

  • -Oooh.

  • Opening an umbrella indoors, that's bad.

  • You go girl.

  • VLAD: Dad's not going to be impressed by that.

  • [fire alarm]

  • -I stand corrected.

  • I'm wet.

  • -You know, your sister really is quite twisted.

  • I like that, though.

  • -Well, don't just stand there.

  • Turn it off!

  • [sigh]

  • -It wasn't us!

  • -Do the words red-handed ring any bells?

  • I'm suspending you two until further notice.

  • Looks like I'll be having a word with your father.

  • Won't that be nice?

  • -I suppose you think this is funny?

  • -Funny?

  • I think it's terrible what happened.

  • I mean, who could do such a-- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

  • You look hilarious.

  • Wait until my dad hears about this.

  • -He won't have to wait very long.

  • Vlad's probably telling him as we speak.

  • -Vlad?

  • CHLOE: Van Helsing suspended him and Robin over the fire alarm.

  • They were in a lot of trouble because of you.

  • -No!

  • [party horns blowing]

  • VLAD: I'm guessing the school rang you then?

  • -Suspended.

  • Vlad, I knew you could do it, you young hell-raiser!

  • RENFIELD: Congratulations, Master.

  • I have baked a cake in your honor.

  • VLAD: You shouldn't have.

  • RENFIELD: It's chocolate.

  • And pig's blood.

  • [spitting]

  • -Really, you shouldn't have.

  • -Mmm.

  • Sweet and uh, tangy.

  • ZOLTAN: Ahem.

  • I have composed a poem to celebrate

  • your great achievement.

  • There once was a vampire called Vlad,

  • who was terribly naughty and bad.

  • He got suspended from school and learned to be cruel.

  • So now he can fang out with his dad.

  • -Huh.

  • This is ridiculous.

  • -Well, it probably needs a bit of work, but--

  • VLAD: I mean, this!

  • I don't want to be suspended.

  • I want to learn things.

  • I want to lead a normal life.

  • RENFIELD: Oh.

  • Cake, anyone?

  • I'll make a start on the washing up.

  • -Psst.

  • Don't leave me here.

  • -I am, uh, very disappointed in you.

  • ZOLTAN: I am sorry, Master.

  • I am just not good with family rows.

  • -Not you.

  • Him!

  • -I'll just be over here if you need me.

  • [whimpers]

  • -Oh, Dad!

  • You've got to stop creeping up on me like that.

  • -It's all part of the training, Jonathan.

  • A good vampire hunter never drops his guard.

  • You can't be too careful.

  • Could be anywhere.

  • JONNO: Oh, you mean that one behind you?

  • VAN HELSING: I'm serious.

  • You'll see.

  • I'll need your help, Major.

  • We're going slaying.

  • JONNO: You know, Dad, just for once it'd be nice if you said,

  • let's go bowling or let's go to the cinema.

  • -But slaying is fun.

  • JONNO: You call hiding behind some rocks

  • watching the castle all night, fun?

  • VAN HELSING: This is going to be different.

  • The time for watching and waiting is over.

  • Vlad has given me the perfect excuse to suspend him.

  • -So?

  • -Which gives me the perfect excuse to visit the castle.

  • We're going in.

  • -But, Dad, they're not vampires.

  • We've been watching them for weeks, and the only things

  • we've seen that bite are mosquitoes.

  • VAN HELSING: Sometimes, you have to go with your gut reaction.

  • JONNO: I know all about your gut reaction.

  • We share a caravan toilet, remember.

  • But, Dad, I'm not gonna let you slay that family.

  • -Oh, yeah?

  • Just try and stop me.

  • [music]

  • [popping]

  • -This is your new timetable.

  • VLAD: Nine a.m., fang hygiene.

  • Followed by double coffin maintenance.

  • [ding]

  • -And after lunch, it's hypnosis and flying.

  • VLAD: What about my friends?

  • If I don't go to school, I'll hardly see them.

  • COUNT DRACULA: We're vampires, Vlad.

  • A friend is just someone we haven't bitten yet.

  • -The Branagh's, Master.

  • Welcome, friends.

  • ELISABETH: It's terrible isn't it?

  • Vlad and Robin getting suspended.

  • -Terrible.

  • And I hate to think of all the lessons they're missing.

  • GRAHAM: So, you're teaching Vlad yourself?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Well, I don't like to brag,

  • but I am an expert on most things in life.

  • -Please, will you teach Robin?

  • He can't afford to fall behind in his school work.

  • He's doing badly enough as it is.

  • -Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mum.

  • GRAHAM: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

  • These boys are obviously a bad influence on each other.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Bad influence, you say?

  • Hmm.

  • Leave him with me.

  • I'll see what I can do.

  • Hmm.

  • [scratching]

  • -I'm sorry to hear about Vlad.

  • -Why is everybody always so concerned about Vlad?

  • You sound just like my dad.

  • It's always, Vlad this, Vlad that.

  • -You've Vlad enough of it.

  • Heh.

  • I've heard there's a great film on at the cinema.

  • You should go and see it. You know, get out of the castle?

  • All of you.

  • The whole family, tonight.

  • -Is that your lame way of asking me on a date?

  • -No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

  • -Oh, you can help all right.

  • You can help get me suspended.

  • Now, look into my eyes.

  • Deep into my eyes.

  • -As you can see the sharp fangs enable the vampire

  • to bite into the neck of their victim and drain them of blood.

  • Ah, but be careful if they've just

  • been trampolining as it could be a bit fizzy.

  • Now you must be rather peckish after your hard morning study.

  • Renfield has prepared something special for you.

  • -Wow.

  • This looks posh.

  • Better than school dinners any day.

  • Mmm, yummy.

  • You've really outdone yourself this time, Renfield.

  • -Bon appetit.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Garlic.

  • Deadly to adult vampires but, well, harmless at your age.

  • -Harmless?

  • On a first date, these can be lethal.

  • -I want you to eat one so you're familiar with the taste.

  • Know your enemy, and all that.

  • Of course this doesn't apply to you--

  • this doesn't apply to you, Robin,

  • so you don't have to eat yours.

  • -Mm, mm, mm.

  • Not bad.

  • You should try some.

  • -This is all a dream.

  • I'm going to wake up and find I'm back in school.

  • -Eat.

  • VAN HELSING: Jonathan.

  • Why are you doing that?

  • Get down!

  • INGRID: Doesn't he look lovely?

  • I told him to do it.

  • I'm sure you're very angry and will

  • want to suspend me immediately.

  • VAN HELSING: Go back to your class.

  • I'll deal with you later.

  • I said, get down!

  • INGRID: But, it's all my fault.

  • Aren't you gonna punish me?

  • VAN HELSING: All in good time, young lady.

  • All in good time.

  • [bell ringing]

  • [laughter]

  • -Remember, Vlad, the key to hypnotising your victim

  • is to look deep into their eyes.

  • -I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with the word,

  • victim.

  • -It's no use, Dad.

  • I'm never going to get it.

  • I keep going cross-eyed.

  • -Oh, even Ingrid's mastered this and she's a girl.

  • Look.

  • I'll show you how it's done.

  • You make eye contact and then you draw them

  • in, freezing them with your gaze.

  • Like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

  • Then, before you know it, there.

  • -There, what?

  • Dad?

  • -You've hypnotised him.

  • VLAD: No way.

  • ROBIN: You have.

  • Watch this.

  • Hello.

  • My name's Count Dracu- la- la- la- la!

  • -How did I do that?

  • ROBIN: You are now a true vampire.

  • Ah, ah, ah, hah.

  • -Hey, stop that.

  • You're freaking me out.

  • ROBIN: Sorry.

  • I, I mean, sorry.

  • -You do realize what this means?

  • -I'm not going to make it as a ventriloquist?

  • VLAD: No.

  • I'm going to grow up to be a vampire.

  • And there's nothing I can do about it.

  • I'm gonna watch all my friends grow old and die.

  • I'll still be here.

  • Flapping around in this gloomy old castle.

  • ROBIN: You make it sound so negative.

  • Vlad, you have the power to hypnotise people.

  • You can make them do whatever you want.

  • Surely that's a plus.

  • VLAD: That's it.

  • Why didn't I think of that?

  • Dad.

  • From now own, you are no longer a vampire.

  • You're just a regular dad.

  • ROBIN: What are you doing?

  • VLAD: This way, for once in my life, I'll have a normal dad

  • and I can be a normal kid.

  • [snap]

  • -You know, this place is a bit gloomy.

  • What it needs is a lick of paint to brighten things up.

  • I'm thinking, I'm thinking-- Sunflower yellow.

  • [knocking]

  • -Who, do you reckon?

  • -He used to be dark and interesting.

  • Now, he's just like my dad.

  • Pardon me for being selfish.

  • This isn't exactly a win-win situation for me, is it?

  • -He's my dad, and I'll hypnotise him how I want,

  • thank you very much.

  • ROBIN: Fair enough.

  • But, in that case, you've got to do me one small favor.

  • -Are you trying to make a laughing stock out of me?

  • JONNO: I'm sorry.

  • I don't know what got into me.

  • -Ingrid must have hypnotised you again.

  • It's a basic vampire skill.

  • JONNO: She's not a vampire.

  • She's manipulative.

  • It's a basic teenage skill.

  • -I told you, a good slayer never drops his guard.

  • -And I told you I am not a slayer.

  • VAN HELSING: Jonathan.

  • Whether we like it or not, we're Van Helsings,

  • and it's our duty to hunt down and slay vampires.

  • Don't forget. a family that slays together--

  • -Stays together.

  • -If you don't want to help me, then fine.

  • I'll do it myself.

  • A number seven should be the right size for the Count.

  • JONNO: But what if he's not a vampire?

  • What if he's just some foreign guy trying to fit in

  • to make a new home for his family?

  • Welcome to our country.

  • Wallop!

  • You're dead.

  • -That's a point.

  • I'll need these for the family.

  • -Oh, this is crazy All right, that's it.

  • I'm coming with you.

  • I'm going to prove that these people are not vampires,

  • and then we're never going slaying again.

  • -I knew you wouldn't let me down, son.

  • What mallet do you want, wood or rubber?

  • -What's going on?

  • -We had a power cut.

  • -Do you mind?

  • I was pretending to play that.

  • -Mum and Dad aren't going to like this.

  • -Elisabeth Branagh?

  • -Graham Branagh?

  • -Ah, no.

  • You don't mean--

  • -Mum and Dad, dead?

  • They're--

  • -Having a nap.

  • -What?

  • -Hello, kids.

  • -Had a good day at school?

  • -Ah!

  • CHLOE: Looks like you and Vlad have been busy.

  • [whistling]

  • -Hi, Ingrid.

  • INGRID: Hi, Dad.

  • You just said hello to me.

  • -Well, of course, my poppet.

  • Why wouldn't I say hello to my favorite daughter?

  • -Right.

  • What's going on?

  • -Nothing's going on, I just thought

  • I'd bring a little bit of sunshine into our lives.

  • -Where's Vlad?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Oh, he's up in is room watching TV.

  • INGRID: But you said we couldn't have a TV in our bedrooms.

  • -Don't remember saying that.

  • Don't remember much talk for that matter.

  • RENFIELD: Master?

  • What color do you want next?

  • Sunflower yellow or daisy delight?

  • -What do you think, Ingrid?

  • Ingrid?

  • -This is the life, eh, Zoltan?

  • -Yes, Master.

  • I'm surprised the Count agreed to this.

  • Is most unlike him.

  • INGRID: Well, well, well.

  • Who's been a busy boy, then?

  • -I don't know what you're talking about.

  • What are you doing?

  • ZOLTAN: I believe Mistress Ingrid intends

  • to throw the, uh, television, uh,

  • receiving device out of the window,

  • which can't be good for it.

  • -You've hypnotised Dad, haven't you?

  • You've turned him into Mister DIY regular guy.

  • -OK, yes.

  • I may have accidentally hypnotized him.

  • I told him he wasn't a vampire.

  • ZOLTAN: And I have to say, Master.

  • I don't think that was one of your better ideas.

  • -I just wanted to see what it would

  • be like to have a normal dad.

  • Someone who didn't want to teach me to turn into a bat.

  • Was that so wrong?

  • -No, I suppose not.

  • After all, he's been a vampire for 600 years.

  • The change will do him good.

  • -No!

  • What did you do that for?

  • -We're vampires, Vlad.

  • Always have been, always will be.

  • You can't change that.

  • I don't want Dad to be normal.

  • I want him to make the Princess of Darkness.

  • -But you could have had a TV in your room.

  • -Now, you could throw it out of your window.

  • -And pizza!

  • -I'm going to change him back.

  • You better not hypnotise anybody else ever again.

  • ZOLTAN: I know that guilty look, Master.

  • It reminds me of when you were toilet training.

  • What have you done?

  • -Robin?

  • This is getting scary.

  • Please change them back.

  • -Relax.

  • It's just a bit of fun.

  • CHLOE: Tell that to Ian and Paul.

  • I've never seen them run so fast.

  • -Time for dinner I think.

  • We'll start with the youngest.

  • ELISABETH: Do you want first bite?

  • -Oooh, could I?

  • I'm parched.

  • CHLOE: Dad?

  • What are you doing?

  • It's me, Chloe.

  • Robin, do something!

  • -You're not really vampires.

  • You're just pretending to be vampires.

  • Wake up!

  • Wake up!

  • -Robin!

  • ROBIN: Let's get out of here.

  • ELISABETH: He's stolen our dinner!

  • -The greedy pig!

  • -Good day princess.

  • How's it hanging?

  • -Dad.

  • I want you to look into my eyes, deep into my eyes.

  • -You know, Ingrid, you really are

  • growing up to be a lovely young lady.

  • -Really?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Look, I've been reading your school report,

  • and I just know you do a whole lot better.

  • I am here for you.

  • We can sit down and work this thing out.

  • -You want to spend time with me?

  • -As long as it takes.

  • -But you never want to spend time with me.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Well, that's all going to change.

  • Come here.

  • I love you, Ingrid.

  • -I love you, too, Dad.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Hey.

  • What is it, sugar plum?

  • -This is wrong.

  • All wrong.

  • -Ah.

  • That'll be my guests.

  • I've invited Mister Van Helsing for dinner

  • to discuss Vlad's suspension.

  • Could you let Vlad know he's here?

  • -Now, remember, let me do the talking.

  • Can't be too careful when you come

  • face to face with the Prince of Darkness.

  • [whistling]

  • -Mister Van Helsing?

  • -Mister Count?

  • Sorry, I didn't recognize you.

  • You look different.

  • Have you done something with your hair?

  • COUNT DRACULA: Hm.

  • Look, I am so sorry about Vlad's behavior today.

  • It's good of you to come see me.

  • Please, please.

  • Do come in.

  • INGRID: Vlad.

  • You're dorky woodwork teacher's here to see you.

  • -Van Helsing?

  • INGRID: Duh.

  • -No!

  • This can't be happening.

  • INGRID: All right.

  • Take a chill pill, Vlad-arilla.

  • I'm sure they'll let you go back to school soon.

  • VLAD: You don't understand.

  • Van Helsing is a slayer.

  • -What?

  • You didn't think to mention this before?

  • -Sorry.

  • INGRID: So are you trying to tell me that Dad is downstairs

  • having a cozy chat with a vampire slayer?

  • -Yes.

  • What are we gonna do? Dad won't know to fight him.

  • He won't know how to use his vampire powers.

  • -This is what happens when you try and turn

  • people into someone they're not.

  • -Ah, I should never have hypnotised

  • them in the first place.

  • -Them?

  • What do you mean, them?

  • -Vlad, I'm going to kill you!

  • -Mum and Dad are after our blood!

  • -You just don't know when to stop, do you?

  • You're worse than a werewolf at full moon.

  • -OK.

  • So I made a mistake.

  • -A mistake?

  • Our dad, Count Normal, is downstairs

  • talking to a vampire slayer.

  • That's not a mistake, that's fatal!

  • [striking match]

  • -Time for a spot of slaying, son.

  • -Wait.

  • Mister Count doesn't even look like a vampire.

  • -Just let me at him.

  • -Is everything all right?

  • -Yes.

  • No problem.

  • -Ah.

  • Welcome.

  • Just in time to discuss our boys' suspension.

  • -OK.

  • It's about that.

  • We've come for a bite to eat.

  • -We've hit the jackpot, son.

  • It's time to break up this little vampire club.

  • You take the girl.

  • I'll take the two guys.

  • -I'm not taking anyone.

  • They're not vampires.

  • Look, those two are wearing plastic fangs.

  • -Call yourself a slayer?

  • You can't even spot a vampire when he's three feet away.

  • Fine.

  • I'll take them all, be on my own.

  • I'll do it.

  • -Fine.

  • You go to jail on your own.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Would you care to join us?

  • -Mister Van Helsing.

  • We're so glad you're here.

  • We really want to apologize about earlier.

  • COUNT DRACULA: That's the spirit, boys.

  • Now, let's all sit down and talk about this school suspension.

  • See if we can work something out.

  • -Mum?

  • What are you doing here?

  • You and Dad will be late for the fancy dress party.

  • -See.

  • Only thing we're late for is our dinner.

  • -How's the stir fry coming along?

  • -It's burnt, totally ruined.

  • -Shame.

  • We'll have to do this another night.

  • -Well, that's all of that.

  • Time we're leaving.

  • -We're not going anywhere.

  • It's time we stop messing about and finish

  • the job we came here to do.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Quite right.

  • We need to talk the suspension thing through properly.

  • Now, Renfield, check out the kitchen.

  • I'm sure there's something we can eat.

  • ELISABETH: Yes, I'm sure.

  • -Come on.

  • VLAD: Anyone fancy a kind of pea?

  • Mmm.

  • Tasty.

  • -Mmm.

  • You're right.

  • This is delicious.

  • -Apparently they're very good for your blood.

  • ROBIN: Here you go, eat up.

  • -But Robin, we can't eat garlic.

  • -(WHISPERING) Told you.

  • -Now, now.

  • You'd be annoyed if I didn't eat what I was given.

  • It can't be one rule for me and one rule for you.

  • -He's right.

  • We need to set a good example.

  • JONNO: Garlic-eating vampires.

  • -This can't be right.

  • -What about a piece for me?

  • I'm starving.

  • ROBIN: Oh, dear.

  • Looks like I have the last one.

  • -How convenient.

  • -Don't worry, Dad.

  • I've got a piece for you.

  • -Vlad, no!

  • -Mmm.

  • It's a bit dry, but not too bad.

  • -He ate garlic?

  • JONNO: All right, it's been great.

  • I think it's about time we're going.

  • -What about the suspension?

  • VAN HELSING: I was wrong all this time.

  • -See, it was a mistake.

  • Suspension over.

  • Bye.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Don't be strangers now.

  • [squeaking door]

  • [spitting]

  • CHLOE: Oh.

  • -Right.

  • We've got to change them back, agreed?

  • -Agreed.

  • -Agreed.

  • CHLOE: Will Mum and Dad still be after my blood?

  • INGRID: Unfortunately, not.

  • They won't remember a thing.

  • Lucky them.

  • -My gut tells me I'm right about that family.

  • But my nose tells me I'm wrong.

  • I'm a rubbish slayer.

  • I know.

  • Go on, say it.

  • -You just need some practice.

  • -You're right son.

  • I shouldn't give up.

  • They are vampires and I'm going to prove it.

  • -Uh, Master?

  • We've run out of ghostly gray, will do ghastly

  • gray do instead?

  • -Well, it doesn't really matter what I think.

  • Vlad can always hypnotise me to like it.

  • -I said I was sorry.

  • It was an accident.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Yes, well.

  • It's flying lessons next.

  • Let's see how you like it when you

  • accidentally fly into a tree.

  • INGRID: This is so unfair!

  • Why can't you teach me flying?

  • -Oh, Ingrid.

  • -Yes, Dad?

  • -Get on with it?

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it