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  • [theme music]

  • [laughing creepily]

  • [humming]

  • -Dental floss, Master.

  • -Renfield, ugh.

  • Go to your hole!

  • -Thank you, Master.

  • An early night.

  • -Is that a toffee in your mouth?

  • -It's, it's a very, very chewy cockroach.

  • -How dare you bring confectionery into this house?

  • What if my precious son Vlad should find them?

  • -It was your precious son who I stole

  • them from in the first place.

  • He's got a, he's got a whole stash in his bedroom.

  • -Oh he has, has he?

  • All right.

  • -Robin and I are going to have so much fun.

  • -The point I was trying to make is that a sleepover isn't

  • the most sensible idea you've ever had, Vlad.

  • What about your father?

  • -Look, I know Dad may be an evil, bloodsucking vampire,

  • but he's actually pretty chilled out these days.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Vladimir!

  • All right, hand over the sugar.

  • -Sugar?

  • What sugar?

  • -Vladimir.

  • -Come on, a few sweets won't hurt.

  • -Won't hurt?

  • You're a vampire.

  • How do you expect to bite people if you

  • don't have strong and healthy teeth?

  • -Dad, I don't want to bite people.

  • -Well, you will one day.

  • Now hand over the sweets, or I'll

  • book you in for a checkup with Renfield.

  • -Renfield?

  • Sorry, dad.

  • What was I thinking?

  • I'll never eat sweets again.

  • I promise.

  • Phew.

  • That was a narrow escape.

  • -Why are you smiling?

  • You've lost all your sweets.

  • -You don't grow up living with the Prince of Darkness

  • without picking up the old trick or two.

  • He set fire to my pajamas.

  • -I'm not sure it's wise to eat quite

  • so many sweets, Master Vlad.

  • -Not you as well, Zoltan.

  • My teeth are fine.

  • [cracking sound]

  • -Ow.

  • -Oh, Master Vlad.

  • A little toothache, eh?

  • We'll soon have that sorted.

  • Open wide.

  • [screams]

  • -It's all right.

  • You were having a nightmare.

  • -Morning!

  • -What do you want?

  • -Your father told me to fix the door.

  • But I could fix you as well, if you'd like.

  • [zoltan growls]

  • -Get on, up you go.

  • You'll be late.

  • Oh!

  • -Morning.

  • -Oh!

  • -Graham, what's happened?

  • -Dad, you're so gullible.

  • It's just my new home makeup kit.

  • -Robin, I thought there had been a murder or something.

  • -Oh, don't worry.

  • That could still be arranged.

  • -Is everything all right, Vlad?

  • -Mmhmm.

  • Absolutely.

  • Morning, Ingrid.

  • Happy birthday.

  • -I'm a Dracula.

  • I'm far too evil for birthdays.

  • -So you might want this card from your mother, then.

  • -Dad!

  • You garlic muncher.

  • -Language, Ingrid.

  • -That was cruel, even for you.

  • -Oh yes, I've still got it.

  • [cackles]

  • -Ruler.

  • Pencil.

  • -Pencil.

  • -Scalpel.

  • -Scalpel?

  • -Joke.

  • -It's not funny.

  • I need to find out what's wrong with my teeth,

  • preferably before our sleepover.

  • -Well, this book of yours isn't helping.

  • That is, it wouldn't be anything to do with the change,

  • would it?

  • -The change happens at the age of 16.

  • I've got three whole years until I start growing fangs.

  • -Growing fangs?

  • Wicked.

  • What does it say?

  • -Nothing important.

  • -When a young vampire complains of dental discomfort,

  • he may be about to embark on the change.

  • -Robin, this occurs at the age of 16.

  • -But can happen several years earlier.

  • -Do you know what this means?

  • I'm turning into a vampire.

  • [music playing]

  • -Gotcha, you Transylvanian vermin!

  • -Congratulations, Jon-o.

  • You're now a grade one vampire slayer.

  • -Yeah, yeah.

  • Whatever, Dad.

  • So when are we going camping?

  • -Camping?

  • -Yes.

  • You promised to take me once I got my grade one.

  • -Did I?

  • -Yes.

  • -All right.

  • Well, this weekend, I suppose.

  • -Wicked.

  • [bell rings]

  • -Come on, let's get this all cleared away.

  • -For the last time, I am not a dork or an orc or a wok.

  • -Ah!

  • -Chill out, it's just makeup.

  • -Yeah, I knew that.

  • Just humoring you.

  • Ah!

  • -Jon-o.

  • Quieten down!

  • Before there's a class detention.

  • And Branagh, wash that muck off your face.

  • -I can't believe you did that.

  • -Come on, it was funny.

  • -Stupid as well, with Van Helsing around.

  • -Look, maybe you should talk to your dad about your teeth.

  • -And tell him I'm going through the change?

  • Are you crazy?

  • -Won't he be pleased?

  • -Pleased?

  • He'll throw a party.

  • -Wicked.

  • Can I come?

  • -No. There's not going to be a party.

  • -Surprise!

  • Oh.

  • -How did you know?

  • -Where's Ingrid?

  • -Oh, you're having a birthday party for Ingrid.

  • -Well, I know she's only a pointless female, but-- oh

  • Ingrid, darling, happy birthday!

  • -Wow.

  • Really, this is all for me?

  • -And you thought we'd forgotten.

  • -Renfield's been out shopping all week.

  • -Oh, Dad.

  • It's perfect.

  • This is the best birthday ever.

  • I can't believe it.

  • All right, what's going on?

  • -Nothing's going on, my precious.

  • We just want you to look your best for your husband.

  • -I don't have a husband.

  • -You do now.

  • Renfield, introduce Adrianus.

  • -Unfortunately, Adrianus could not be with us today.

  • So he recorded this special message.

  • -Hello, Ingrid.

  • Let me introduce you to my goats.

  • -We're not going.

  • -What do you mean, we're not going?

  • I passed my grade one Vampire Slayer exam.

  • -Yeah, and then you failed it when

  • you made a big ninny of yourself in class.

  • -Well, all right.

  • I'll do the test again.

  • I mean, it wasn't exactly hard, was it?

  • -Oh, I see.

  • So grade one is too easy.

  • Well, let's see how you cope with grade three.

  • -Ooh, grade three.

  • -Yeah, that's right, Jon-o.

  • In at the deep end.

  • Let's see if you've got what it takes to be a real slayer.

  • -Sir Voz, Fluffy, and Iris, our goats.

  • And this is the coffin we will one day share, along

  • with the rest of my family, of course.

  • Yes, life is hard here in Transsiberia

  • But we know good fortune has finally come our way now

  • that the beautiful daughter of Count Dracula

  • has agreed to be my wife.

  • -This had better be a joke.

  • -I knew you'd be pleased.

  • -I'll pack your bags.

  • -This is all your fault!

  • -What did I do?

  • -You wore born.

  • -Look, you're not the only one with the problems.

  • -Ready, Jon-o?

  • Your first challenge.

  • Come on, Jon-o.

  • -I'm not eating worms.

  • -Don't be such a big girl's blouse.

  • Mmm.

  • Mmm.

  • -That-- this is spaghetti.

  • -Got you.

  • But you passed, well done, son.

  • -Does that mean we get to go camping now?

  • -Don't be ridiculous.

  • They don't give a grade three away just like that.

  • One challenge gone, two more to go.

  • -So you'll fly over tomorrow to collect her?

  • Splendid, splendid.

  • [boom]

  • INGRID: Open up, or I'll put garlic in your slippers.

  • -Ingrid-- oh yes, she's very excited.

  • Hello?

  • Hello?

  • Ingrid, I'm try to talk to your husband.

  • -He's not my husband.

  • -No, but he will be.

  • -You just want to get rid of me!

  • -Of course I do.

  • Then it will just be me and Vladdie, forever.

  • -Well, I don't need Adrianus.

  • I've already got a boyfriend.

  • -Well, why the flaming torches didn't you tell me, silly girl?

  • I must meet him immediately.

  • Tonight.

  • -Well, there's always been a bit of chemistry.

  • But it's official-- I'm Ingrid's boyfriend.

  • -Pretend boyfriend, Robin, and for one night only.

  • -Aren't you forgetting something, Robin?

  • Our sleepover?

  • -Well, the thing is-- Ingrid is very pretty.

  • -But you're supposed to be my friend.

  • -Vlad, don't be so selfish.

  • If I can't prove I've got a boyfriend,

  • Dad's going to send me off to Transsiberia.

  • -Oh dear.

  • Send us a postcard when you get there.

  • -Do what you have to, Robin.

  • I've got plenty of other friends.

  • Chloe, do you want to come to my sleepover?

  • -Yeah, I'd love to.

  • -You're aware of Vlad's little fang issues, are you?

  • -I'm sure it's just a bit of toothache, that's all.

  • -Since when were vampires your specialist subject?

  • Still, if you know you're doing--

  • -Ignore her, Vlad.

  • You're not going to bite me.

  • -Hope not.

  • I wouldn't want to miss that.

  • What?

  • -Challenge two, the test of nerve and bravery.

  • Can you retrieve all three bulbs of garlic

  • without being bitten by this six-foot python?

  • -Oh, I'm so scared.

  • -Well, you should be.

  • -Yeah, right.

  • What have you got in there?

  • A big bit of rope?

  • -Jon-o, steady.

  • You'll aggravate Monty.

  • -One bulb.

  • Two bulbs.

  • Three bulbs.

  • Easy.

  • -That's a load, Jon-o.

  • That was-- wow, well done.

  • -Yeah, that is really a snake in that box.

  • Ah!

  • Dad, I could have been dead.

  • -What do you think the gloves were for?

  • -Father, this is my boyfriend, Yuri.

  • -So, this is the impudent upstart

  • that wants to steal my daughter away from me.

  • -Who, me?

  • I wouldn't dream of it.

  • -Well, then, why are you wasting my time?

  • -Take no notice of it.

  • Yuri is completely devoted to me, Father.

  • -Well, let's see whether he is quite so devoted when he's

  • forced to endure ordeal by sunlight.

  • -Make it stop.

  • -Only if you give up my daughter.

  • -Never.

  • I'd rather shrivel in the dust than renounce

  • my love for Ingrid.

  • -It's not even smoking.

  • Quite the tough cookie, Renfield.

  • -Yes, Master.

  • -Fetch the nun's breath.

  • -The nun's breath?

  • -Now for your third and final challenge--

  • a bloodsucking vampire is loose in the school.

  • Your mission, should you to choose to accept it,

  • is to hunt him down and slay him dead.

  • Ready?

  • -Bring it on.

  • -So even the ordeal by feather duster cannot crush him.

  • Congratulations, you may kiss your prize.

  • I will quietly announce the good news.

  • -Oh, yes.

  • -Dad, where are you?

  • I'm bored of this now.

  • There has to be another way to spend a Friday night.

  • -No, no.

  • I'm afraid she already has a boyfriend.

  • Yes, I know. It's unbelievable, isn't it?

  • -You know, I think your dad really likes me, Ingrid.

  • -What are you still doing here?

  • -Well, your dad asked me to stay for dinner.

  • Reckon I'll be moving in before long.

  • -Listen, you mongol.

  • Here's the plan.

  • Tomorrow morning, I get an urgent call saying that you've

  • been slain by an angry peasant mob.

  • -What, you're killing me off?

  • -Yeah, Dad'll be gutted, and I'll be in mourning for years.

  • -What about us?

  • -There is no us.

  • I wouldn't suck your neck if you were

  • the last breather on Earth.

  • Now get out before I vomit on you.

  • [growls]

  • -I love it when you growl like that.

  • -Out!

  • -Dad?

  • Gotcha!

  • -Oh dear, you just killed a dinner lady.

  • Shame, I was looking forward to going camping.

  • -But Dad, you promised!

  • -You lost, Jon-o.

  • You'll never be a vampire slayer.

  • -Good, I don't want to be a stupid vampire slayer.

  • I just want to go camping.

  • -Jon-o!

  • Jon-o.

  • -Oh, just go to sleep.

  • You're not going to bite me.

  • -OK.

  • 'Night, Chloe.

  • -'Night.

  • -Jon-o?

  • I know you're here somewhere.

  • Jon-o?

  • Jon-o?

  • Come on.

  • Talk to me.

  • I'm sorry, son.

  • I pushed you too far.

  • [screams]

  • -Gotcha! Transylvanian you vermin!

  • So where are we going camping?

  • [screams]

  • -What have you done to me?

  • -Congratulations, Master Vlad.

  • Your first bite.

  • -No!

  • What am I going to do?

  • -Excuse me, I'm the victim here.

  • What happens to me now?

  • -Welcome to the family, Mistress Chloe.

  • -Daddy!

  • Daddy, it's Yuri.

  • He's dead.

  • -Of course he's dead.

  • He's a vampire, stupid.

  • -No, I mean-- he was slain on his way home this morning.

  • He stopped off in Paris for a bite to eat,

  • and he was set on by a crowd with garlic.

  • I can't believe it.

  • -I certainly can.

  • He's been playing chess with me all morning.

  • -Morning, gorgeous.

  • -What are you doing here?

  • -I couldn't leave you.

  • You're so special to me.

  • -Wonderful.

  • Now you can really get to know one another,

  • get married, and leave the castle.

  • Forever.

  • -Married.

  • To him?

  • I mean, great.

  • I think we should get betrothed right now.

  • -Betrothed?

  • -Yeah, you know.

  • Like, engaged.

  • It's a traditional Transylvanian custom.

  • -All right, then.

  • Yeah, let's do it.

  • -Renfield.

  • -Good luck, Yuri.

  • -What do you mean, good luck?

  • It's just a simple ceremony, right?

  • -Prepare the surgery.

  • -Chloe?

  • What are you doing in Robin's bedroom?

  • -Leave me alone.

  • I'm sleeping.

  • -But in the middle of the day?

  • -You best get used to it.

  • -Oh, no.

  • Not another Robin, please.

  • Come on, Chloe.

  • Up you get.

  • [gasps] Your neck!

  • -Oh, for goodness' sake, Graham.

  • Pull yourself together.

  • She's just been in Robin's makeup, that's all.

  • -Makeup?

  • I should have guessed.

  • Ingrid.

  • -Where are you going?

  • -You're running away, aren't you?

  • -There's no choice.

  • I can't stay here and bite all my friends, can I?

  • -But-- but, you didn't bite me.

  • It was Ingrid's idea of a joke.

  • -Yeah, that's great, Chloe.

  • Say goodbye to Robin for me?

  • You've been the best friends I've ever had.

  • -But I'm fine.

  • -You are.

  • I'm not.

  • I've still got a toothache, haven't I?

  • And OK, this time I didn't bite you.

  • But next time, I could really mess up your life.

  • -But running away won't solve anything.

  • -Chloe, I'm just a heartless vampire!

  • [scream in the distance]

  • -Robin!

  • -Help!

  • -Are you coming or not?

  • ROBIN: Help me, please!

  • Someone help!

  • -Help!

  • -Yuri, my brave and special vampire.

  • -Maybe not so special after all.

  • -An imposter!

  • -Ingrid, perhaps-- perhaps you should explain to your dad--

  • -I certainly will.

  • He deceived us all, Father.

  • I'll leave you to punish him how you see fit.

  • -Not so fast, you wretched girl!

  • You think I don't know who's behind this charade?

  • Pack your bags. you'll need something warm

  • for Transsiberia.

  • -No!

  • Ingrid's telling the truth.

  • I deceived her.

  • -I see.

  • Fools of us all.

  • -Help!

  • -Robin's my friend!

  • Remember?

  • -You've brought shame upon the family name!

  • You'll understand when you're a vampire like me.

  • -I am a vampire!

  • I mean, that is, I think my fangs are coming through.

  • -Oh, please.

  • -Oh, my son, dear.

  • Open wide.

  • -He hasn't got his fangs.

  • He's got toothache.

  • -Ingrid, don't ruin this precious moment.

  • She's right, for once.

  • -So, what caused the toothache, then?

  • -Cavities!

  • I warned you, boy!

  • Renfield!

  • Renfield!

  • -What?

  • No!

  • No, no!

  • -I tell you what, this is the life, eh, Jon-o, eh?

  • -Yeah, the life of a lunatic and his unfortunate son.

  • -Thanks for stepping in and saving me, Vlad.

  • -No worries.

  • -So, your teeth OK now?

  • -Yeah, turns out Renfield's actually a pretty good dentist.

  • -Make way for Ingrid's betrothal cake.

  • -Betrothal?

  • Are me and Ingrid back on?

  • -You're back on the menu if you don't pipe down, peasant.

  • Ingrid is to be betrothed to Adrianus.

  • She's preparing herself as we speak.

  • -Dad, she really doesn't want to get married.

  • -She has no choice.

  • My word is final.

  • -Master, the guest of honor is here.

  • -Adrianus.

  • -Dad.

  • -Please, call me Count.

  • -And where is the lovely Ingrid?

  • -I see-- [gasps]

  • -Hi.

  • -Ugggh.

  • -Ingrid.

  • -I am not marrying that.

  • -No, no, no.

  • Wait, look, look.

  • This is what she really looks like.

  • -Ugggh.

  • -Curses.

  • You ungrateful spawn.

  • That's the last time I try to find you a husband.

  • -Nice one, Ingrid.

  • -I knew you wouldn't leave me.

  • -Robin, two words-- dream and on.

  • -See what I mean?

  • Shared chemistry.

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

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