Young Dracula - BBC Series - Season 1 Ep 7 "A Matter of Life and Chess"

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[music playing]
-Lad, the idea is, I make a move, you make a move.
Not I make a move, wait half an hour,
then drop dead of boredom.
-If you do, do I win?
-Just make a move.
-OK.
My horse takes your king.
-How'd you figure that out?
-My horse countercepts your pawn, gallops
around your bishop, jumps over your queen,
and lands on your king, squishing him to a pulp.
-Yes!
You know, one day they might invent
a computer that can beat me.
-Great.
Then we could hang out with it instead of you.
-Ha.
Ha.
You don't have to be here.
You don't even like chess.
-I like chess.
You know why?
It's got absolutely nothing to do with vampires.
No bats, no blood, no--
[door opening]
VAN HELSING: All right, listen up.
-No slayers.
-Miss Clellans had an unfortunate accident on the way
here.
So you'll be delighted to hear, I'm
taking the Chess Club this evening.
-Aw.
-Very funny.
Now settle down.
And I suggest you concentrate.
-But, that's check mate.
-Only then will you become a grand chess
master like the great Chandu.
-Shan who?
-Chandu.
Chandu was a Hungarian count from the 18th century,
and remains the greatest chess player who ever lived.
-I've never heard of him.
-That's hardly surprising.
But I'm sure your father will know who he is.
Which reminds me.
This is from the Headmistress.
-Aw, please, not parent's evening.
-It's a reminder that all parents must attend.
-If Dad sees this, it'll be a disaster.
I've got to get rid of it.
-But Master Vlad, won't you get in terrible trouble?
It's from your headmistress.
-I know.
And it'd be great for Dad to take
an interest in my school work, but-- no.
There's just no way.
It's too dangerous.
-Oh.
Ah.
-There, now that'll be the end of it.
-Parent's evening.
What a marvelous idea.
-Where did you get that letter?
-Ingrid gave it to me.
I have to say, parent's evening sounds great fun.
-You don't even know what it is.
-Lots of parents feasting on the blood
of their least favorite offspring?
-Not quite.
It's where you come and talk to our teachers
about how we're doing at school.
-Ugh.
Sounds ghastly.
In that case, I'm not going.
Oh, really Vladimir, tell me you're
not losing to a stuffed dog.
-Grr.
-He's a wolf.
-Either way, you're going to have
to practice if you want to be as good as me.
The greatest chess player to stalk the earth.
-I thought that was the Great Chandu.
-What did you say?
-The Great Chandu.
Mr. Van Helsing said he was the best chess player in the world.
-[roars]
-What did I say?
-I am the greatest chess player ever.
And I can prove it.
-OK.
As nice as it is to be involved in family business for once,
I was painting my nails.
-Be quiet, Ingrid!
This is important.
What I am about to tell you is the story
of how you and your brother came to be.
-Oh no, you're not going to tell us
about the birds and the bees, are you?
-Now listen.
300 years ago, Chandu and I were in love with the same girl.
Your mother Magda.
-So to decide who should win her affections, we played chess.
-Romantic.
-For centuries, chess has settled
all matter of gentlemanly disputes.
Destiny decided she and I would be together forever.
-Until she ran off with a werewolf.
-While Chandu suffered the fate of all losers.
Death by mummification.
-[coughing]
-So you see?
Here lies proof that I am indeed the best chess player ever.
-Is that it?
You dragged us all the way down here just to tell us
you beat some stinking mummy at chess?
-Next time Mr. Van Helsing tells me something,
I'll keep it to myself.
-Vladimir, no one slurs the name of a Dracula!
Now go.
Leave me with my memories.
I want to be alone.
--[whistling] Just uh, dusting your bat collection, Master.
-Curse that teacher.
Saying Chandu is better than me!
-Surely you won't let him get away with it, Master.
-Renfield, I think the time has finally
come to venture into the world of breathers.
-Uh, Vladimir, about this, this parent's evening--
-I know.
You'd rather cut off your arms and feed
them to a giant dung beast.
-Well they were Ingrid's arms actually.
But the point is, all this talk of you mother
has made me realize you deserve one parent there at least.
-Don't worry about it.
-No, no, no.
It's no problem.
-I really don't mind.
-I'm coming.
-You can't.
It's not safe for you to go in daylight.
-Well, it'll be a challenge.
-A challenge?
You'll melt.
And what if you bite someone?
The place'll be full of breathers.
-Yes.
I know.
-Dad!
-Oh really, Vladimir.
You should have more faith in me.
-[sigh]
-I'm going to parent's evening tomorrow.
And that is final.
Wuh-wuh.
Ha, ha, ha.
-[sigh] Now what do I do?
if Dad bites someone at school, I'll be on the first ship
back to Transylvania.
-Buy a cabin by the window?
[laughter]
[thunder]
-I can't believe you gave Dad that letter.
Have you any idea how dangerous that is?
What if he runs into Mr. Van Helsing?
-That loser?
He's no match for Dad.
You're just worried he'll hear what a goody two fangs you are.
Whereas, when he hears how wicked and evil I am,
he'll have to be proud of me.
-Ah, I can't wait to leave the castle.
Do me good to stretch my wings.
-Dad, you can't turn into a bat at school.
-Oh, too showy?
-Too, oh, Vlad's Dad's a vampire.
-Breather lover's got a point.
Maybe you shouldn't wear the cape either.
-Ah.
Not even if I wear this with it?
INGRID: Especially not if you wear that.
-Right.
You know, really, you two relax.
What's the worst that can happen? [laughs]
-Parent's evening.
-Don't.
Just the words, "parent's evening,"
sounds like someone's screaming inside my head.
-Your Dad is coming to parent's evening?
What if Van Helsing finds out?
He'll denounce him in front of everybody.
-That's if he doesn't run a great big stake
through your Dad's heart.
-Shush!
-Yes, I know.
I tried talking him out of it, but you know what he's like.
What am I going to do?
-Look, don't panic.
Robin and I will make sure that Van Helsing
stays well away from your Dad.
-Yes!
Ah!
Jonathan!
You know I can't stand skeletons,
they give me the creeps!
-Sorry.
We can't exactly water the biology display.
-Well, get rid of it.
We've got work to do.
Count Dracula is coming to parent's evening,
and do you know why?
-He's a parent?
-No, because of my careful research.
I knew I'd lure him out of the castle sooner or later.
Jonno, prepare yourself for a showdown.
-They'll uh, never guess you're a vampire wearing this, Master.
And it's 100% sun-proof.
-You've done well, Renfield.
Now for the final touch.
Sunglasses.
The other ones.
Mm.
Perfect.
That Van Helsing won't know what bit him.
-Now Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight,
so long as you've gotten over this morbid obsession
with vampires.
-Yes, Mum.
-And if not, we've decided to send you to Happy Camp.
-Happy Camp?
-It's where troubled children go to learn how to be happy.
-Through happy music and happy dance.
-Ugh, just kill me now.
-Right.
Won't take me long to deal with that woodwork teacher.
In fact, go fetch a bottle of my finest blood.
If I can't drink it, I'll just admire it.
-Yes Master.
-Mr. And Mrs. Branagh, it's nice to meet you.
I'm Mr. Perkins, Robin's art teacher.
-Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
Art is Robin's favorite subject.
Even as a toddler, he was always drawing.
-What was it you used to paint, Robin?
-Dad, I don't know.
-Oh yes, that's right. Big, pink, bunny rabbits.
-Dad!
-Rabbits.
Interesting.
And when--
[wind blowing]
-And when-- did you feel that?
-Must be a draft.
My neck's just gone completely cold.
[thunder]
-Hooey!
Mr. Count!
-Oh, no.
It's that interminable Branagh woman.
Just ignore her.
-Dad!
Lights!
-Mm.
There.
Happy now?
-Right.
From now on, we keep on high alert.
If Van Helsing finds out the Count's here--
-Chloe!
Mom and Dad are threatening to send me to Happy Camp
if tonight doesn't go well.
I've got problems too, you know.
-OK.
Fine.
I'll go protect our best friend's
entire existence on my own then.
-[whistling]
[sniffing] Ah!
Ya!
Hnh!
Hee!
Hm.
[whistling]
-Oh, great.
Looks like we're seeing the Headmistress first.
She really doesn't like me.
-Oh, really Vladimir, Draculas don't queue.
-Mr. Count, please!
These people are-- were in a queue.
-I say, what a delicious looking neck you have.
-Pardon?
-Necklace.
He meant to say necklace.
-And you smell so-- [inhales] so fresh.
[kiss]
--[gasps] well I suppose I could see you now.
I have a whole list of Ingrid's offenses to discuss with you.
-Hmm.
Really?
-As I was saying, when did Robin stop drawing rabbits,
and start drawing this kind of thing?
I have to ask.
Is Robin happy at home?
-Oh, Dad!
Everyone's wondering where you are.
You're a teacher, you've got responsibilities.
-My responsibility is to rid the world of vampires,
using this Transylvanian torch.
-Why am I not going to like this.
-This torch has harnessed sunlight itself.
It took years to find.
Now, when the Count comes in here,
I'll jump up, shine the torch in his face,
it'll vaporize him into a big, gloopy heap
of steaming remains.
-Huh, cleaners will be happy.
-Here.
Give this to Vlad.
It'll make sure the Count's next appointment is in here
with me and this little beauty.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Do you hear all this, Vlad?
Ingrid is causing misery and mayhem wherever she goes.
Now that is how a true Dracula should behave.
I'm very disappointed in you.
Oh, hold on.
Don't I know him?
-Hi Ingrid.
My dad asked me to give you this.
-If my son keeps staring at you, feel
free to dangle his head down the toilet.
-Really?
-No.
Get lost.
Looks like we're seeing Mr. Van Helsing next.
-Are you crazy?
He can't see Mr. Van Helsing.
-Vladimir!
What's that behind your back?
-Nothing.
-Vampire reflexes.
Don't mess with the master.
Oh, at last.
That slanderous woodwork teacher.
-This is going to be a disaster.
-Vlad, Van Helsing is up to something.
Your dad is in real danger.
-Chill out.
Dad's right here.
Dad?
-Dad?
-So, Mr. Van Helsing, Chandu is better at chess than me, is he?
Well, I've got two fangs says he isn't.
-Excuse me.
Are you a famous rock star?
-What?
Go away, I'm busy.
Actually, come closer and say that.
-Can we have your autograph?
-[sniffing] You two scram.
Go!
[sniffing] Ah!
Chandu.
I thought I recognized that foul stench.
You're looking well.
Have you, uh, lost some weight?
Calm down, Chandu!
I can explain!
-Ugh!
[sniffing]
-Aha!
Gotcha!
Vampire scum.
-Dad, Dad!
-Where's the Count?
-I don't know.
Thanks for the concern.
You nearly blinded me.
-What's that job doing.
Well, come on, we've got a vampire to catch.
-I can't believe Rob.
-My dad's about to have a one on one with a vampire slayer,
where is he?
-Don't worry, he'll have plenty of time
to worry about it in Happy Camp.
-Great.
Now what do we do?
-[roar]
-What was that?
-I don't know.
-[roar]
-Give it to me!
-I'm guessing this is where one of us goes in and finds out.
-Huh!
-[roar]
-Bonehead.
-Dad?
-Chandu.
-Ah.
Children, um, Chandu and I were just catching up on old times.
Weren't we, Chandu?
-[growl]
-Uh.
-What's that behind your back?
-Um, nothing, nothing.
Oh, how dare you!
-Ah, Teenage reflexes, don't mess with the master.
A chess rulebook.
Dad, what's going on?
-Uh--
-Robin is certainly a very creative child,
and has written some very interesting essays.
-That's great.
May not have to go to Happy Camp after all.
-Yes, there's "Why I Love Vampires,"
"My Best Friend's a Vampire," "Why I Want to Be a Vampire,"
"Harry Vampire and the Goblet of Bats."
-So, this is the greatest chess player who ever lived.
-Second greatest.
Chandu was the best, yes.
And I beat him and won Magda's affections.
-But you said, all losers shall suffer death by mummification.
And Chandu's alive.
Sort of.
-"Losers of the great game shall suffer death by mummification,
unless a player doth cheat, in which case the loser shall walk
the earth, until justice has been passed."
-You cheated.
-Well, I may have moved one piece when he wasn't looking.
-Ah, go Dad!
-I can't believe you cheated.
It means you and mum should have never got together.
Which means I should never have been born.
No wonder I've never felt like a real vampire.
-I feel like a real vampire.
-Vladimir.
It thaws my frozen heart to hear you say such a thing.
How can I prove our family was meant to be?
-You could challenge Chandu to a rematch.
Or not.
-[sniffing] You smell that?
Like rotting flesh.
-Evening.
-Mr. Perkins Always smells like that.
-No.
The undead have walked this way.
[sniff] Come on, follow your nose.
-A rematch.
Good idea, Chloe.
Unless of course Dad loses and has to be mummified.
-Haven't you got any faith in him?
-How does the little horsey move again?
-OK.
I've got a plan.
Who do we know that's really good chess?
Who's a really good friend of yours.
Who's related to me.
How your family's lasted this long, I'll never know.
-Although I have to say, when Robin's talking about vampires,
at least he's paying attention.
In some classes, it's as if he's not even there.
-Robin, is this true?
Robin?
-Robin?
-Vlad, let me go!
Mom's already threatened to send me to Happy Camp.
-OK.
Quick update.
Ugly zombie dude's about to whip Vlad's cheating dad at chess.
If he does, guess who gets mummified?
-Whoa.
This guy's good.
His opening is genius.
Have you asked him if he wants to join Chess Club?
-All right, all right, don't rush me!
There.
What do you think about that?
-[laughing]
-Laughing, huh?
Why is he laughing?
Oh.
-That's check mate.
-Oh.
-What?
Well, it can't be!
Ah.
Now, Chandu, surely we can talk about this.
I mean, after all, you're a reasonable--
-Stake wielding zombie!
-Stake her, not me!
-Dad!
-Robin, think!
There must be something you can do about this.
-Vlad, it's check mate, the whole idea
is there is no way out.
-Chandu, please!
Look at the mess, look at the mess.
-Stop!
-Wait!
Look!
How many black knights are on the board?
-One, two, three.
-Quick, Vlad!
Check his pockets!
-Ugh.
[squish]
-Ugh.
spare pieces.
-No wonder you couldn't beat him.
-Of all the scheming, conniving-- actually,
why didn't I think of that?
But this means you've won.
-Oh.
-And Chandu faces death by mummification.
Again.
-I don't know.
It seems a bit unfair.
Especially when your Dad cheated in the first place.
-And kept him locked in a coffin for 300 years.
-All right, all right.
Enough with the guilt trip.
Oh, Chandu, let's, let's, let's not, let's just call it quits.
-Nice one Dad.
-Besides, I have bigger fish to fry.
[sniffing]
-We've got him son.
You remember the plan?
-I open the door.
You shine the torch in the Count's face.
-Then we watch him melt or vaporize.
I wonder what he'll do.
-That's why you shine the torch in his face?
-Now, can we please see Mr. Van Helsing.
I've waited all night to bite some sense into him.
-What?
Quick, Dad.
-Aah!
-Aahh!
-Ugh!
Get off of me!
Ah!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Honestly, it's pathetic to be afraid of the dark at your age.
-Hi guys.
Bye guys.
-What, what?
-I thought you came here to support me.
But all the time you were planning
to bite Mr. Van Helsing.
-Vladimir, he insulted the family name.
-You don't care about us at all, do you?
-That is not true.
MRS. BRANAGH: Robin Branagh!
MR. BRANAGH: You can run, but you can't hide.
-Oh, great.
Guess who's spending all summer at Happy Camp?
-OK Dad.
Now's the time to prove you really care.
-Robin.
-A masterly move, Robin.
We must play a game some time.
Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Branagh.
What a pleasure to lose at chess to such a charming,
radiant young man.
-(WHISPERING) Happy.
-Hm? -(WHISPERING) Happy.
-Oh, happy.
Happy.
Happy young man.
-Really?
-And uh, what do you say about Happy Camp, Dad?
-Oh, it sounds like the cruelest, most
barbaric place on earth.
-Does it?
Oh dear, I don't want my Robin going anywhere barbaric.
-Maybe we can sort out his morbid fascination
some other way.
Come on sunshine.
-Quick, faster!
I tried to stop them, but they're a relentless mob!
-There he is!
-No pictures, no pictures!
Renfield, start the hearse!
-Still can't believe Dad only came to parent's evening
to get his revenge on Mr. Van Helsing.
-Stop winging.
At least he didn't find out he was a slayer.
-I suppose I've got to accept it.
Our family's just not normal.
-Who'd want to be normal?
I mean, look at him.
-Check mate!
Who's the loser, who's the loser,
go loser, go loser, go loser--
-Fair point.
[laughter]
[music playing]