Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • [theme music]

  • -In the name of all that's evil, what foul wrongness is this?

  • -It's a school fancy dress dance night.

  • I'm in charge of decorations, so I got to pick the theme.

  • -She choose horror.

  • -Horrifying, isn't it?

  • COUNT: I wasn't talking to you.

  • I was talking to Vlad.

  • What are you wearing?

  • -I joined the Scouts.

  • Is that all right?

  • -Not while there's breath in my body.

  • No son of Dracula wears a [inaudible].

  • -But please, Dad.

  • They do all this cool stuff, like fire lighting,

  • tying knots, hiking.

  • -I'm not having you running about in the fresh air.

  • You need to stay in your room more.

  • Nurse your psychotic rage.

  • That's how I was brought up.

  • It never did me any harm, did it?

  • -Nobody answer that.

  • -These aren't very scary.

  • -They are to me.

  • Now, get out of here.

  • JONATHAN: Ingrid.

  • -You know, I've been meaning to ask.

  • Why are you dangling from the ropes by your pants?

  • -The twins put me here, cause my dad gave them detention.

  • -Huh.

  • Right.

  • -Ingrid, please help me down.

  • -Sorry, don't do the H-word.

  • -Oh, I'm begging you.

  • I'm supposed to be meeting my Dad's girlfriend tonight.

  • -Van Helsing's got a girlfriend?

  • Where did he meet her?

  • A hospital for the chronically desperate?

  • -Actually, we met on the internet.

  • -Close enough.

  • -So did you do this to my son?

  • -No, unfortunately.

  • -However, you failed to prevent it,

  • which means I have to punish you.

  • -[CHUCKLES Good luck with that.

  • My detention diary's crammed.

  • I might be able to squeeze you in next spring?

  • -Oh, I don't think we need to wait 'til then.

  • Tell me, at the dance tonight, who's

  • in charge of the cloak room?

  • -How should I know?

  • That job always goes to the most unpopular kid in school.

  • No way.

  • I'm not doing it.

  • -Hmm, perhaps I should raise the stakes,

  • talk to your father about this.

  • -All right, I'll do it.

  • -You've learned something today.

  • Don't play out of your league, little girl.

  • See, Jono?

  • That's the way to deal with her kind.

  • -Uh, Dad, aren't you forgetting something?

  • -[laughs] Yes, sorry about that.

  • [sigh]

  • -World's best dad?

  • I knew Dad was great, but I didn't

  • realize he'd won an award.

  • -It's not a real award, you egg.

  • It's a Father's Day card.

  • -Father's Day?

  • -It's a breather thing.

  • You have to get your dad cards, presents,

  • and do lame things to please him.

  • VLAD: Oh, I hate doing dad stuff-- flying lessons,

  • biting practice.

  • It feels like his only purpose in life

  • is to stop me having fun.

  • ROBIN: Vlad, everyone feels like that about their parents.

  • The point of Father's Day is to pretend you don't.

  • It softens them up, ready for the next time

  • you want to get away with something.

  • -Like what?

  • -For example, I've agreed to go camping with Dad and Chloe

  • tonight.

  • In return, Dad will pretend to believe me

  • next time I lose my school report.

  • -So Father's Day is basically a way of conning your dad?

  • -Your point is?

  • -Got any spare cards?

  • -Robin, you finished packing?

  • -Ahh, not yet.

  • -Well, hurry up.

  • Every minute you waste, we lose a minute camping.

  • -I am aware of that.

  • -[sigh] You are so lucky.

  • I'd do anything to get my dad to take me camping.

  • -And I'd give anything for a dad whose idea of a good time

  • isn't singing [inaudible] with all the actions.

  • -My dad could learn a thing or two from yours.

  • -What?

  • Like how to [inaudible] jeans under his armpit?

  • -No, like how to lighten up and enjoy the outdoor life.

  • You know what?

  • We should get our dads together.

  • They could be a good influence on each other.

  • -Good one, Vlad.

  • Like Count Dracula would ever go on a [inaudible] camping trip.

  • Are you serious?

  • Do you really think your dad will agree to come?

  • -Yeah, because I'll tell him it's Father's Day,

  • and that I'm doing it for him.

  • -Now you're getting the hang of it.

  • -Hey, dad, is it OK if Vlad comes camping tonight?

  • -Sure.

  • The more the merrier.

  • -Good, cause I asked his dad to come too.

  • -Now, Wait a minute.

  • Vlad's welcome, b-- but the Count, he's a bit--

  • -[clears throat]

  • -What I mean is, it's not really his sort of thing.

  • -No, that's the point.

  • I mean, you two are so different.

  • It'd be a chance to experience each other's cultures.

  • Or something.

  • -Vladdy, you know I don't approve

  • of weird foreign superstitions.

  • -But Father's Day's different.

  • It's all about how great you are.

  • You even get presents.

  • -At last, a sensible British custom.

  • All right, bring me my presents.

  • -Y-- you'll have to wait.

  • It's a surprise.

  • -[sigh] Ooh!

  • Can I have a clue?

  • -OK.

  • It's something we can do together.

  • -Something we can do together.

  • [gasp] No, wouldn't be that, no.

  • Hmm.

  • -Shouldn't we be getting home?

  • -Sorry, didn't I tell you?

  • I'm meeting Lucie here.

  • -At school?

  • -I've told her that I'm devoted to my work.

  • She accepts me for who I am.

  • -About that-- Dad, you know how every time you go on a date,

  • -Mhm.

  • -Where the girl goes to the bathroom and never comes back?

  • Why do you think that is?

  • -A wave of vampire abductions.

  • -Well, do you think maybe your slaying

  • obsession puts them off?

  • I mean, just a little bit.

  • -What are you saying?

  • -I'm saying, if you want this date to last longer than it

  • takes to climb out of a toilet window, don't mention vampires.

  • -Hm.

  • -[shrieks]

  • -Is it Father's Day now, Renfield?

  • -No, master.

  • It's only 5 minutes since the last time you asked.

  • -[shrieks]

  • -Wonder where Vlad has hidden my presents.

  • Maybe we should go and look.

  • -If you do that, master, it won't be a surprise.

  • --[sigh] Something we can do together.

  • Now, what could that be?

  • [sniffs]

  • [shouts] One, two, three.

  • I knew it!

  • Vlad has finally got a thirst for blood!

  • He's brought me some Father's Day peasants!

  • -Oh.

  • -I'll just get Dad.

  • -Oh, Vladdy, this is the best surprise ever.

  • Shall we bite them now?

  • -What?

  • No!

  • -Oh, very well.

  • Just hide them in the larder until they turn.

  • -Dad, The Branaughs are here because we're

  • going on a camping trip.

  • -Oh-- oh!

  • Then do I get my Father's Day surprise?

  • -No!

  • This is your surprise.

  • Surprise.

  • -This is my surprise?

  • A camping trip with a family of ugly peasants?

  • [thunder]

  • -What did you say?

  • -Ugly peasants.

  • -Now look what you've done.

  • -Oh, dear.

  • It's raining.

  • Looks like the trip's off.

  • -Not necessarily.

  • What'd you reckon?

  • -Camping indoors.

  • Impossible.

  • -You're behind the times, Count.

  • You could pitch these modern tents on solid rock.

  • We'll have ours up in five minutes.

  • -Cool!

  • Can I help?

  • -No, you can help pitch our tent.

  • And we'll do it in four minutes.

  • [clears throat]

  • -Oy!

  • Can we get some service around here?

  • Ingrid?

  • You're on cloak room duty.

  • -So I am.

  • Any other blindingly obvious facts you'd like to share?

  • -Hey, Ingrid.

  • -(TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT) Vi vant to suck your blood.

  • -Yeah, well, I have to stamp your hand.

  • -[squeal]

  • -Enjoy the dance.

  • -Excuse me.

  • Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Van Helsing?

  • -I'd be delighted to show you.

  • -Lucie?

  • I'm Johnathan.

  • -Oh, hi, I've heard so much about you.

  • -Finished.

  • Ha!

  • We win.

  • Suck on that, peasants.

  • -Oh, suck on what?

  • Oh, that?

  • Ah, I see.

  • Hmm, are you sure it's quite safe?

  • -Safe? [laughs] Is my tent safe?

  • Renfield!

  • -Yes, master?

  • -You should be the first to try out my tent.

  • -Ooh, thank you, master.

  • Thank you. [laughs]

  • -Just get in the tent!

  • -Oh-- oh, oh, This is nice.

  • [shouts]

  • -I think that's one-nil to the Branaughs, eh?

  • -Master!

  • Help!

  • -Wow.

  • So this is your wood work room.

  • -This is it.

  • -I kept telling him to take you on a proper date.

  • -There's no need.

  • I'm impressed by your father's dedication.

  • As a librarian, I think education's so important.

  • -You're a librarian?

  • -Sorry, boring job, I'm afraid.

  • -Oh, no.

  • Just that-- well, I'm glad my Dad's

  • finally met someone so, so normal.

  • -Well, we normal people have to stick together.

  • How else can we defeat the plague

  • of vampires that's threatening our town?

  • -How's that fire coming along, Vlad?

  • -Rubbish.

  • Yours looks fantastic, though, doesn't it, Dad?

  • CHLOE: Dad, the sausages are ready.

  • -Marvelous.

  • Keep trying.

  • I'll give you some tips after supper.

  • Come on, Robin.

  • -I'll give you a tip.

  • Now, that's how we start a fire.

  • -Dad!

  • I wanted to light it the normal way.

  • -But that is the normal way.

  • -This is a number seven stick used

  • for vampires 500 years old or less.

  • -I've always wanted to meet a vampire slayer.

  • -Hmph.

  • I'd keep looking if I was you.

  • -And now for the crown jewel of my collection.

  • My most recent eSlay purchase.

  • -[gasp] A garlic juice gun.

  • -Yes.

  • This little beauty sprays liquid garlic over a range of 30 feet.

  • Go on.

  • Try her out.

  • What do you think, eh, Jono?

  • Isn't she amazing?

  • -If by "amazing," you mean madder

  • than a box of frogs, then yes.

  • -I've got something very special planned for us later.

  • I thought you might like to help me try out my garlic gun.

  • -You mean, we're going to splat some vampires?

  • -Not the castle.

  • Oh, please, not the castle.

  • -We're going to the castle.

  • -Well, that fire's coming along.

  • Nice work, Vlad.

  • -Nice?

  • It spits on your feeble excuse for a fire.

  • -Dad.

  • GRAHAM: Look, why don't we all just calm down

  • and enjoy a nice hot dog?

  • -Because we don't want your peasant food.

  • We shall prepare our own feast.

  • Barbecue slug, master?

  • -Not now, Renfield.

  • -Suit yourself.

  • -Sure?

  • So black and crunchy

  • -I said shut up!

  • And crawl back to your slime pits,

  • you filthy, incompetent [inaudible].

  • Vladdy, you'll have to get my supper.

  • After you've sorted out the tent.

  • -Ahh, actually, Dad, I'm going to join Mr. Branaugh's camp.

  • -W--w-- why?

  • W--why would you do that?

  • VLAD: Cause he's not a sulky, childish bully.

  • And he makes a mean hot dog.

  • -Well, if how you feel, go to your stupid peasant camp.

  • See if I care.

  • -I will.

  • -Fine.

  • -Fine.

  • -Fine!

  • [thunder]

  • -Hey, Jonathan.

  • How's the date going?

  • -Leave me alone.

  • -Whatever.

  • What's going on?

  • Look into my eyes and tell Ingrid what's going on.

  • -My Dad's date believes in vampires

  • and wants to go to the castle to look for them.

  • -Ahh, she does, does she?

  • Looks like I've got some work to do.

  • --[sigh] You've got to stop letting

  • Count treat you like this.

  • -Like what?

  • -Like you're his brainless, toadying skivvy.

  • You've got to stand up for yourself.

  • -What do you know?

  • Y--you're just a stupid girl.

  • -Renfield, have you ever heard of feminism?

  • The suffragettes?

  • -Oh-- Oh.

  • -OK, I think it's time for a history lesson.

  • -Hm?

  • -Now, the first rule of slaying is always be on your guard.

  • -Ah, Mr. Van Helsing, did you tell a group of year tens

  • to change the tires on your car?

  • -No.

  • -Oh, well, that's strange.

  • -My car?

  • Wait here.

  • I won't be long.

  • And remember the first rule-- be on your guard.

  • -So Lucie, Jonathan tells me you're scared of vampires.

  • -Oh, who isn't?

  • They're the most dangerous creatures on this planet.

  • -Cool.

  • I mean, really?

  • -My friend Holly says they're worst than zombies,

  • ghouls, mummies, Loch Ness monster.

  • -Oy, get off!

  • Are you looking for another human bungee pants?

  • -Ingrid wants to see you in the woodwork room, urgently.

  • Ingrid wants to see you in the wood work room, urgently.

  • -And then there's crop circles, big foot, mothmen,

  • spontaneous human combustion.

  • -Yeah, yeah.

  • But most of all, you're scared of vampires, right?

  • I mean, if a vampire walked in here right now?

  • -I don't know what'd I do without Mr. Van Helsing

  • here to protect me.

  • I'd probably run away and never come back.

  • [knocking]

  • -Nice timing.

  • I wonder who that could be.

  • -(TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT) Vi vant to suck your blood.

  • -[screams]

  • -See ya, suckers.

  • -What was all that about?

  • -Women.

  • Must be having one of those bad hair days.

  • -Race you to the sugar-free pop.

  • -Lucie!

  • Run for your life.

  • -I'm not running anywhere.

  • -But there are vampires in the school.

  • -I know.

  • And next time, I'll be ready for them.

  • Let's kick some vampire butt.

  • -You know what?

  • I think that can be arranged.

  • GRAHAM: Well done, Vlad.

  • That's a perfect sheepshank.

  • Robin, yours looks more like a-- a noose.

  • -Don't think that's accidental.

  • -Maybe that's enough knots for one day.

  • -Oh, yes!

  • -How about a sing along?

  • -Oh, no.

  • -Lucky I remembered my guitar.

  • VLAD: Isn't this great?

  • -Not really.

  • I wish your dad was here.

  • -He won't come.

  • He's in a mood.

  • [instruments playing]

  • -Maybe I can talk him around.

  • -You'd do that for me?

  • Are you sure?

  • -Of course I'm sure.

  • GRAHAM: OK, boys.

  • How about we kickoff with Cliff Richard?

  • -I'm sure I want to get away from this racket.

  • -(SINGING) We-- we're all going on a summer holiday.

  • No more working for a week or two.

  • CHLOE: You see, Renfield.

  • You have to demand recognition.

  • And that's what the suffragettes did.

  • -By chaining themselves to railings?

  • Didn't it make their masters angry?

  • -Of course!

  • But it got their attention.

  • Now, they also marched, carried banners, and picketed.

  • -Oh, I love picketing-- all those

  • flies you get in your sandwiches.

  • Oh!

  • Oh, bits of dead [inaudible] and--

  • -Um, that's picnicking.

  • -Underside, when [inaudible] open and maggots and everything

  • [inaudible] into a really good, especially

  • if you're putting them into the fire.

  • And they kind of expand and they pop and explode.

  • -Hmm, Mrs. Nosferatu, what were you thinking?

  • [knocking]

  • -Wait!

  • Enter.

  • Oh, it's you.

  • What do you want?

  • -Just wondering if you're all right.

  • -Well, no, I'm not.

  • I gave that boy the best years of my un-life,

  • taught him everything I know, and he

  • prefers that red-faced peasant.

  • It's so unfair.

  • -I know, I mean, who wouldn't want a vampire for a dad?

  • -Well, I know that.

  • And you know that.

  • It's obvious to everyone except Vlad.

  • I mean, how can I make him see how fantastic I am?

  • -Well--

  • -We're thinking the same thing, aren't we?

  • -Maybe.

  • -Drain your father's blood, and feed him to the hounds,

  • am I right?

  • -I was thinking more like use me to make Vlad jealous.

  • You know, so he appreciates you more.

  • -Hmm, well, it's worth a try.

  • And if it fails, there's always the blood draining thing.

  • Tell me, how we do this?

  • -Nothing says jealousy like a big expensive present.

  • COUNT: You greedy, selfish manipulative boy.

  • How I wish Vlad were more like you.

  • GRAHAM: (SINGING) We're going where the sun shines brightly.

  • We're going where the sea is blue.

  • -Vlad, guess what?

  • Your dad's giving me a coffin.

  • -What?

  • -Why?

  • -I told him how I ask for one every Christmas,

  • but you keep giving me a mountain bike.

  • -Why are you giving him a present?

  • -Because Robin appreciates me.

  • Go down to the crypt and take any one you like.

  • -It's so cool.

  • Come help me pick.

  • -Count!

  • Look I, uh, respect your culture.

  • But this gift-- I mean, we haven't

  • got anywhere to put a coffin.

  • -Ah, so now the fang's in the other neck.

  • -What?

  • -Look, you tried to steal my son, so I've stolen yours.

  • I've always wondered, how does it feel to be a loser.

  • -I don't know.

  • You tell me me, Mr. Floppy Tent.

  • -All right!

  • That's it.

  • I challenge you to a duel.

  • -You know what, Matey?

  • I accept.

  • You and me, outside, now.

  • -Dad, what's going on?

  • -Chloe, Mr. Count and I were just

  • going outside to talk about grownup things.

  • -But it's raining

  • -Ahh, so it is.

  • Why don't we have our talk in the crypt?

  • -Nothing for you to worry about, Chloe.

  • [yawn]

  • -You're going down, pal-- to the crypt,

  • so we can, uh, sort this out, reasonably.

  • -I like the open air, and the velvet upholstery.

  • But is it as reliable as a good old mahogany model?

  • -So much for helping me out.

  • All you've done is conned Dad into giving you a coffin.

  • -Relax.

  • it's all part of a master plan to get the dads we want.

  • --[scoff] And you get an expensive present.

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • Best Father's Day ever.

  • -For you maybe.

  • All I wanted was to show Dad today

  • there's more to life than drinking people's blood.

  • -Well, maybe some of my dad's normality

  • will have rubbed off on him.

  • --[shouts] Now, peasant, prepare to spill your blood.

  • -Or not.

  • -Dad, we've been through this.

  • You can't bite.

  • Mr. Branaugh.

  • COUNT: I will implant my fangs on him.

  • This is an honorable duel.

  • We're fighting to prove who's the best father.

  • -But fighting doesn't prove anything.

  • -Of course, it does.

  • It proves who's better at fighting.

  • -Dad!

  • You're not really going to fight a vam-- a vastly

  • superior fighter like the Count.

  • -Don't sound so surprised.

  • When I was in Cub Scouts, I came in second

  • in the boxing championship.

  • -Mom said you lost to a girl.

  • -[inaudible] can be vicious.

  • Bing it on, Count.

  • -Very well.

  • I'll just get my sword.

  • -Sword?

  • -Jono, Jono!

  • [snaps fingers]

  • -Dad?

  • What happened?

  • -Some wretched kids let down all the tires on my car.

  • Let's get Lucie and get out of here.

  • -[yawn]

  • -Vampires at 3 o'clock.

  • Let's do this thing.

  • -Lock and load.

  • Eat garlic, you son of a bat.

  • -Lucie?

  • -Eric?

  • -Eric!

  • -Ingrid.

  • -A word of advice.

  • Don't play out of your league, boys.

  • -Peasant!

  • Prepare to die by my family's ancient sword.

  • It is the finest weapon in Transylvania.

  • It's 1,000 years old, and it's-- uh, it's-- it's-- ah!

  • -Totally eaten away with rust.

  • GRAHAM: Come on, then.

  • Ha!

  • No so brave now, are you?

  • Without your sword.

  • -Doesn't matter, when I can just--

  • [snaps fingers]

  • Hypnotize you and drink your blood.

  • -No!

  • [snaps fingers]

  • I am by destroying my victims

  • when they're completely helpless.

  • [laughs]

  • -Dad, why does this always happen?

  • Why can't we go on a simple camping trip,

  • without it tending up in a life and death battle?

  • -Why?

  • Because I'm Count Dracula.

  • I do exactly what it says on the coffin.

  • -I don't want a blood-crazed killer for a dad.

  • I want someone who cares for my feelings.

  • Someone who's not afraid to occasionally admit they're

  • wrong.

  • -Now, Vlad, you know I don't go for that touchy-breathy stuff.

  • -Well, then perhaps you should change.

  • -Me?

  • The Prince of Darkness, change?

  • -Yes.

  • -I see.

  • [snaps fingers]

  • -So you want some, do you, Count?

  • Ready for a knuckle goulash?

  • -That's no way to sort our your differences reasonably, Dad.

  • -Chloe.

  • -Yes, I would enjoy some traditional Transylvania

  • cookery.

  • But first, Mr. Peasant--

  • -Graham.

  • -Gra-ham.

  • I have to admit, I was wrong to fight you.

  • -That's very big of you, Count.

  • I must admit, I was a bit embarrassed myself.

  • -Hm, so let's set our differences

  • aside for the sake of our sons.

  • Because after all, we care about their feelings, don't we?

  • -Absolutely.

  • Shake on it?

  • -Well done, Dad.

  • I'm proud of you.

  • You're the best.

  • -[laughs]

  • I am the best father.

  • In your face, peasant. [laughs]

  • -I can't believe you were a vampire.

  • I really am so sorry.

  • -Don't be.

  • Rule two of successful slaying-- trust no one.

  • Lucie, you did the right thing.

  • -There you are, Holly.

  • I told you so.

  • -Who's Holly?

  • -My alien friend.

  • We communicate through an implant in my nose.

  • OK.

  • -As a caring father, I wish you luck

  • with your twisted habit of sleeping at night.

  • How was that?

  • -Ummm, not good, to be honest.

  • Dad, if you--

  • -Rights for Renfield.

  • Rights for Renfield.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -I'm picketing, master.

  • I'm fighting for my rights.

  • -Well, stop it immediately.

  • -Never.

  • I demand recognition.

  • -Well, of course I recognize you.

  • You're that disgusting, smelly imbecile-- Renfield.

  • -Ah, thank you, master.

  • -Now, go and put some trousers on.

  • I'm trying to show Vlad that I love him.

  • -Ooh,

  • -Night, Vladdy.

  • Sleep tight.

  • I hope you'll find some bed bugs to bite.

  • Was that correct?

  • -Close enough.

  • Night, Dad.

  • -Night.

  • Hm.

  • [theme music]

[theme music]

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it