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  • [music playing]

  • VLAD: Morning, Renfield.

  • What's for breakfast?

  • -Oh, some I'm sure you'll absolutely love.

  • -What is that?

  • -Bat phlegm.

  • With a merest hint of rosemary.

  • -I think I'll just stick with corn flakes.

  • -You know, your father hates you eating that rubbish, don't you?

  • -Lucky he's fast asleep in his coffin then, isn't it?

  • -Good morning, Vlad! My son and heir!

  • The darkness of my live.

  • The reason I get out of my coffin.

  • -What are you doing up so early?

  • You do remember you're a vampire, don't you?

  • -Yes, which is more that I can say about you.

  • [chime]

  • -Oh, goody!

  • It's here!

  • -Does he have to get this excited every time

  • his copy of Funerals Monthly arrives?

  • -Eww, what is that smell?

  • -Bat phlegm with rosemary.

  • I hate rosemary.

  • -It's here.

  • Vlad's destiny.

  • Ah!

  • -I didn't know a burger boy uniform

  • could fit in an envelope.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, do go away.

  • In this envelope is the exam paper

  • for your first blood test.

  • The first step along the long and blood-soaked path

  • to vampire-hood.

  • -Dad, I thought you said, "Exams don't matter?"

  • -Well this one does.

  • INGRID: What a pity he's not going to pass it.

  • DRACULA: Of course Vlad's going to pass the test.

  • If he doesn't he won't get his full vampire powers.

  • -I'd never want that to happen.

  • -Exactly.

  • Wait a minute.

  • This isn't one of your "I want to be normal.

  • I want to be like the breathers.

  • Human blood tastes well minging" things, is it?

  • -Um, no.

  • -It better not be.

  • You're going to pass this test, or you won't be setting foot

  • in that useless school ever again.

  • And you won't be seeing those breather friends of yours,

  • either. -What?

  • INGRID: Aw, that would be a shame.

  • But daddy knows best, Vladdy.

  • -Ingrid.

  • No one likes a suck-up.

  • -So let's get this straight.

  • They're like GCSEs, but instead of going on to do A-Levels,

  • you get to maim and kill innocent people?

  • -Exactly.

  • Three more years of exams and if I pass them all,

  • I become a fully fledged vampire.

  • -But if you fail the test, you won't

  • be able to fly or suck people's blood?

  • -Great, isn't it?

  • -Uh, no.

  • You'd be a rubbish vampire.

  • VLAD: I know. I'd almost pass as human.

  • But, there's a catch.

  • If I failed, Dad'll never let me see you again.

  • Our friendship would be over.

  • -What?

  • Life without me is so not worth living.

  • -Exactly.

  • So I have to pass the test.

  • This is where you come in.

  • I've never really listened to Dad's lectures

  • about vampire culture.

  • But you on the other hand are an expert.

  • -I am.

  • I'll be your teacher.

  • -I wonder what undiscovered talent we'll be trying out.

  • -I hope it's better than last year.

  • We were this close putting the caretaker's dog on the tee.

  • -He's good. -Yeah.

  • -Dad, you nearly pulled my arm off.

  • I'm going to try out for the school football tam tomorrow.

  • -You can't.

  • -Most Dads want their sons to play football.

  • -I am not most Dads.

  • -You're telling me.

  • -Listen, Jonno.

  • This is a dangerous time.

  • In two days it'll be the second full moon of autumn.

  • That's when the blood tests, an important rites of passage

  • for adolescent vampires are supposed to take place.

  • -So?

  • -So, Vlad will be taking the test.

  • I want you to keep your eyes peeled

  • and report any unusual behavior today.

  • -Let me think about this for a minute.

  • No.

  • -What do you mean no?

  • -I mean I don't want to keep my eyes peeled

  • or harass Vlad for any evidence he's a fictional creature.

  • All I want to do is try out for the football team.

  • -What about your destiny?

  • What about the Van Helsing name?

  • -With any luck, it'll soon be on the back of a football shirt.

  • -Getting ready to pick your football teams?

  • -Yeah.

  • -Hey, Robin, did you fancy trying out?

  • No, I forgot.

  • You don't play football.

  • You'd rather be a sad vampire geek all your life.

  • -Ignore them, Robin.

  • -Please. As if I care.

  • I'd rather be a vampire geek any day

  • than a sports freak like those two.

  • Stop worrying.

  • Vampire's my thing.

  • I know everything there is to know.

  • With me on your side, you can't fail.

  • OK.

  • Ask me the first question.

  • -What have I told you about that accent?

  • -Sorry.

  • Just trying to add a bit of atmosphere.

  • ZOLTAN: OK.

  • First question.

  • [clears throat] If Boris can turn into a wolf in three

  • seconds and Inga can turn into a bat in five seconds, how long

  • would it take Boris and Inga to storm a peasant dwelling

  • and drink the blood of everyone inside?

  • -Could you repeat the question, please?

  • -I don't think you will know the answer.

  • -How do you know?

  • ZOLTAN: Because this is a maths problem

  • and you have a problem with maths.

  • -Well, give us another question.

  • One that requires proper vampire knowledge.

  • Not stupid maths.

  • ZOLTAN: What was Sebastian the Cruel's world record

  • for most blood drunk in one sitting?

  • -Well?

  • Do you know this one?

  • -Actually I do.

  • The answer is-- B.

  • -Master Vlad, Robin can't help you pass this test.

  • -Yes I can.

  • -He's right, Robin.

  • This is pretty tough.

  • I'm not sure you're up to it.

  • -Aw, so you think I'm useless, do you?

  • -Well, of course not, but-- ROBIN: But what?

  • VLAD: Well, I just think you have

  • to be a real vampire to know the answers.

  • -You take that back.

  • VLAD: What's the big deal?

  • You're not a vampire.

  • -So I'm not good enough because I'm not a vampire.

  • -Robin, shut up and put your fangs back in.

  • The only reason I'm trying to pass this stupid test

  • is because of you.

  • Why can't you be a normal friend for a change.

  • -If I'm not normal enough for you,

  • then maybe you should find someone else to help you.

  • -He may not be a real vampire, but he's

  • certainly a real drama queen.

  • -So Vlad, how's the studying coming along?

  • -Slowly.

  • -Aw, it must be so hard being of subnormal intelligence.

  • I don't suppose you'd consider helping

  • your little brother pass?

  • -Not a chance.

  • Once you fail, Dad'll finally realize

  • I'm the only one with any vampire talent.

  • Ha.

  • -Right Vlad.

  • Ready to score top marks in the blood test?

  • -Don't you sleep anymore?

  • -Don't worry, Dad.

  • If Vlad fails you'll still have one child who got top marks.

  • -Really, who?

  • -Me!

  • I got the highest score in my year.

  • -I thought that was your cousin Boris.

  • VLAD: Dad.

  • I'm worried I'm going to fail.

  • -Oh, you--

  • VLAD: No, I'm serious.

  • The questions are so, well, vampy.

  • DRACULA: Vlad, we've already discussed this.

  • If you don't pass, you'll leave that ghastly breather's school

  • and never see your friends again.

  • And your sister won't get her full powers, either.

  • -What?

  • -Hey, kids. I don't make the rules.

  • -Well, well, well.

  • Where does that leave us now, then?

  • Hm?

  • -This is so unfair.

  • I am planning on becoming an all-powerful vampire goddess.

  • How can I do that if I'm stuck with half powers like you.

  • -I thought you'd have caught on by now, sis.

  • Vampire culture not so big on girl power.

  • Should we say 5 o'clock to hit the books?

  • -Where is your brother?

  • -Probably painting his fingernails black.

  • Again. -Robin?

  • -Morning, everyone.

  • Lovely day, isn't it?

  • -All right, young man.

  • What have you done with my son?

  • -Ha, ha, ha!

  • Very funny, father.

  • ELISABETH: I can't believe it.

  • You're so normal looking.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -Having breakfast if that's alright with you.

  • -This is about your silly fight with Vlad, isn't it?

  • Well, Vlad wanted a normal friend.

  • Now he's got one.

  • -Boys are so dumb.

  • -Hi.

  • Exciting, isn't it.

  • Find a good striker, yet?

  • -What are you doing here?

  • Shouldn't you be hanging upside down or doing something weird?

  • -Didn't I tell you?

  • I'm trying out for the team.

  • -Come on then.

  • Show us what you can do.

  • -This should be seriously funny.

  • [cheers]

  • PLAYER: Nice goal, Robin. PLAYER: Nice goal.

  • PLAYER: Yeah!

  • -This is so weird.

  • COACH: Right.

  • The following pupils made the team.

  • Will Walker.

  • Sam Griffiths.

  • Robin Branagh.

  • -What?

  • I mean, cool.

  • That's great news. Football rocks.

  • -Jonathan Van Helsing.

  • -I made the team.

  • I made the team.

  • Yes! Woo-hoo!

  • -Very sorry to interrupt, lads, but you

  • can take Jonathan's name off the list.

  • He can't play.

  • He has a, um-- a rash.

  • -Dad!

  • I can't believe you did that.

  • -Sorry, Janno, but there are such things as priorities.

  • We need to steal that exam paper from the castle.

  • Then we'll have it.

  • Absolute proof that the whole lot of them are vampires.

  • From now on we'll communicate using these radios.

  • Are you with me?

  • -Well, that depends.

  • If I don't find an example, and it turns out that Vlad isn't

  • taking some stupid test, will you finally

  • give up on the whole slaying thing and let me play football?

  • -I'll give up the whole thing. That's how confident I am.

  • -Right then.

  • I'll help you.

  • -Robin?

  • What are you wearing?

  • Bit late for Halloween isn't it?

  • -See you in training later, Rob.

  • -Don't be late.

  • -All right?

  • -Yes!

  • Great news.

  • Ingrid's agreed to help me pass the test.

  • -Cool.

  • I've got some news as well. I made the football team.

  • -Good one. -What?

  • Do you think I'd be useless at that, too?

  • VLAD: Is this about yesterday?

  • Look, I'm sorry about what I said.

  • Maybe you can come around later?

  • Ingrid doesn't know everything.

  • I'll still need my number one vampire expert to help me.

  • -Do I look like someone

  • -Don't worry, Master Vlad.

  • You still got me.

  • -Yeah, I know.

  • -It's not the same though, is it?

  • INGRID: Vlad!

  • Identify the O positive blood by smell.

  • -You are kidding?

  • -If you don't start smelling in one, two--

  • -All right! All right.

  • No idea what the answer is, but that one is definitely tomato

  • juice.

  • -You're not even trying!

  • I am!

  • I just-- I don't know.

  • -Vlad, you know what will happen if you don't pass?

  • -Ingrid, I just lost my best friend.

  • You start to wonder if there's any point

  • in passing this test anymore.

  • -There is no way I am letting my future domination

  • of the vampire world be ruined by my little brother having

  • a tiff with his breather friend.

  • Now start swotting.

  • -Your father wants to see you.

  • -Both of us?

  • -What do you think?

  • -You want to see me?

  • Ah, Vladimir.

  • I feel that perhaps you're not trying

  • your best to pass this blood test.

  • And I know that no son and heir of mine

  • would fail something so straightforward

  • and if they did, well, they wouldn't

  • be my son and heir for very long.

  • -Are you saying you'd disown me if I fail the test?

  • -No, of course not.

  • I'd just deny all knowledge of your existence.

  • -You're not having the best of days, are you Master Vlad?

  • -Um, let me think.

  • My best friend won't talk to me, my Dad's about to disown me.

  • The day I buried my pet turtle in the backyard

  • was my favorite day ever compared to today.

  • I can't think of a single reason to pass this test.

  • All I've ever wanted was to be normal, Zoltan.

  • This is my one chance to make it happen.

  • Robin and dad don't care about what I want.

  • So why should I care about them?

  • I'm going to fail this test.

  • I'm going to do what I want to do for once.

  • RENFIELD: Ah!

  • Morning.

  • May I interest anyone in my special new recipe?

  • Rat mucus and brine?

  • Hm?

  • Suit yourselves.

  • All the more for me.

  • [doorbell rings]

  • INGRID: So, have you memorized the six-step bat

  • transformation rule?

  • No, I just can't seem to remember it.

  • -I knew you'd ruin my life one day.

  • [coughing]

  • -It's for you.

  • -Hi Vlad.

  • -I brought you this for luck.

  • It's always worked for me.

  • -Listen, Chloe.

  • I won't be needing this.

  • I'm going to fail the test. CHLOE: What?

  • Why?

  • VLAD: I don't feel I have any reason to pass now

  • that Robin won't even talk to me.

  • -But what about me?

  • I love having you as a friend, and I know Robin does too.

  • This is just a stupid phase he's going through.

  • Well, at least I hope it is.

  • -I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind.

  • ERIC: Sly Fox, do you copy, over.

  • JONNO: Dad.

  • -Do you copy, over.

  • -Dad, I'm standing right here.

  • [transmission noise]

  • -Sly Fox, do you copy?

  • -Yes, Golden Eagle.

  • I copy.

  • Happy now?

  • -Remember the plan, Janno?

  • -Sneak in, look for exam paper, steal exam paper,

  • and then run away from scary, nasty vampires.

  • -I'm not saying all that again!

  • -Just trying to instill good reconnaissance skills.

  • -And you promised, if you're wrong about all this,

  • you give up on the whole family of vampires thing.

  • -I give you my word as a slayer and as a father.

  • -OK then. I'm going in.

  • Or should I say I'm going in. -That's my boy.

  • -Now this test is tough.

  • I'm not going to lie to you, but you got the moves

  • and you've done the training.

  • -Yeah, you can do this.

  • I know you can.

  • If you don't, I'll kill you.

  • -Ingrid.

  • Go get your brother a cold flannel for his worried brow.

  • -Absolutely.

  • Anything I can do to help my little brother pass his test.

  • -Thanks, guys.

  • I'll do my best.

  • But, for now, I'd really like to be left alone.

  • -I get it.

  • You're in the zone.

  • -Um, no.

  • Not really.

  • -Well you better get there quick!

  • -Ow! -Come on, you lads!

  • Keep moving. No pain, no gain.

  • Swing those elbows.

  • That's it.

  • Come on, boys--

  • -Robin!

  • -Would you mind?

  • Footie stars don't hang around with their little sister.

  • I've got a reputation now, you know?

  • -You've always had a reputation, Robin.

  • For being a complete idiot.

  • This is your last chance to say you're sorry.

  • Otherwise, he's going to fail.

  • Um, it's goodbye, Vlad.

  • Forever.

  • -Sorry, Chloe, but I've got slightly

  • more important things on my mind.

  • Like making sure I don't pull a hamstring.

  • -You don't even know where your hamstring is.

  • -I do. It's in my left ham.

  • -I brought you your cape.

  • Just in case.

  • -What exactly am I supposed to do with this?

  • CHLOE: You're supposed to put it on and stop

  • acting like someone you're not!

  • -I've been hanging

  • Vampires.

  • Good one, Dad.

  • -Make way for the best soon-to-be vampire

  • that ever lived. -Yup.

  • Ready to kick the blood test's butt.

  • -Mission accomplished.

  • -Great work, Jonno.

  • Where's the exam paper? -Sorry, Dad.

  • There was no exam paper.

  • Looks like we're getting out of the slaying business for good,

  • just like you promised.

  • We can still catch the match if we hurry.

  • -Wait, wait, wait!

  • Um, did you see anything else there?

  • Vials of blood?

  • Books on vampire lore?

  • A bloodless corpse of an innocent victim?

  • -Nope.

  • It's a vampire-free zone.

  • -Well for goodness sake, Janno.

  • You were only in there five minutes.

  • You have to go back in.

  • -What?

  • You promised!

  • -This time look properly.

  • -Fine.

  • I'll go back in. I promise.

  • But seeing as we're not keeping our promises anymore.

  • Time to catch the second half of the match.

  • -Good luck, Vlad.

  • Try not to focus too much on the dreadful consequences

  • of not passing. -Thanks, Dad.

  • No pressure as usual.

  • -Your exam starts now.

  • -The future starts here.

  • -What have I missed?

  • -Nothing much.

  • Just a bunch of stupid boys running around a pitch

  • thinking that they're fantastic.

  • Oh yeah, and our team is 1-0 down with a few seconds

  • to play. -Oh, tense.

  • It's an open goal.

  • He's going to score!

  • How'd he miss that?

  • -You just cost us the game!

  • -It's not my fault.

  • I, um, had something in my eye.

  • COACH: Why don't you go home and play with your cape, Robin.

  • -Good idea.

  • Let's put an end to all this madness.

  • Oh--whahaha.

  • VLAD: Question eight.

  • What is the most common blood type?

  • Who cares.

  • -Sly Fox, come in.

  • Do you copy, Sly Fox?

  • ERIC (OVER RADIO): Sly Fox, do you copy?

  • Do you copy, Sly Fox?

  • ERIC (OVER RADIO): Sly Fox, do you copy?

  • -Dad?

  • Yeah?

  • I mean, Golden Eagle, copy. -What's that noise?

  • Is everything OK in the castle?

  • -The butler's got his radio on.

  • Anyway, best get back to the search.

  • Over and out.

  • VLAD: Question 10.

  • How do you turn yourself into a bat?

  • -Hm?

  • Don't move.

  • -Psst.

  • -What are you doing here?

  • -I'm sorry for being an idiot.

  • I don't want you to fail your test.

  • -Robin, it's too late.

  • I've only got about 10 minutes left.

  • Doubt I could pass now even if I wanted to.

  • ROBIN: Please, Vlad.

  • You're my only friend.

  • And trust me, being normal really sucks.

  • -OK.

  • I'll do my best.

  • Now get out of here before Renfield catches you.

  • -Knock and run!

  • Pesky kids.

  • ERIC (OVER RADIO): Jonno?

  • Jonathan Van Helsing.

  • Sly Fox, do you read me!

  • -Uh, dad?

  • Just had a run-in with some unruly cobwebs.

  • Vampires, eh?

  • Can't they dust like the rest of us.

  • Just leaving the castle now, won't be a mo.

  • Golden Eagle, we have a problem.

  • -I'm disappointed in you, son.

  • You promised me that you'd look for that exam paper.

  • -And you promised me you'd give up

  • on this stupid slayer business.

  • I just wanted to be on the football team,dad.

  • What's wrong with wanting

  • else for a change?

  • -Never mind, Janno.

  • Why don't I help you with this popcorn, eh?

  • Plenty of time to unmask the forces of evil tomorrow.

  • live -You bet.

  • -I'm surprised you've got an appetite considering

  • your results will be here any minute, Master Vlad.

  • -Thank you, Zoltan.

  • -You'd better of passed, Vlad.

  • I don't need full vampire powers to kill you while you sleep.

  • -Confident, Vlad?

  • You better be.

  • [chiming]

  • -Here it is.

  • The test results which will prove Vlad

  • to be the vampiric genius I know he is.

  • Well, that's rather disappointing, I must say.

  • -Oh, no!

  • -I can't believe this is happening.

  • -53%.

  • Even Ingrid scored more than that.

  • -53%?

  • -You mean he passed?

  • -Technically. -Yes!

  • -Did I mention that one day I'll be the most powerful vampire

  • in the world, and you'll all fall at my feet and worship me?

  • -I wouldn't get too cocky if I were you, sis.

  • I've still got three more blood tests to go.

  • [music playing]

[music playing]

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