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  • INGRID: So we're agreed?

  • -Whatever we do, let's make sure Dad

  • doesn't find that tomorrow is--

  • -Valentines, my favorite feast day, and I

  • put in a special order for a flavorsome female.

  • Oh, hm.

  • -And she has arrived early, master.

  • -Renfield, I asked for a delectable lady,

  • not a pox-ridden gnome in a wig.

  • -Dad, remember the rules-- no biting.

  • -Oh, come on, Vlady, it's Valentines

  • and I'm, uh, feeling lucky.

  • INGRID: You'll have to be in your condition.

  • I mean how long is it since you last bit a breather?

  • -Well, it's been, uh-- well, I mean--

  • -Exactly.

  • I bet you couldn't even bite Mrs. Branner.

  • -What, that ready meat?

  • I could have her warmed up in seconds, and any other woman

  • in this village, for that matter.

  • -Yeah, yeah, you're all mouth and no fangs.

  • -You dare to challenge the Prince of Darkness!

  • -And?

  • -Gr.

  • -Nice one, Ingrid.

  • [air squirting from bottle]

  • -(WHISPERING) So, Operation Valentines.

  • And remember, not a word to your-- going

  • to get that right if you keep doing that.

  • That's good.

  • Oy.

  • Mm, mm.

  • -(WHISPERING) Look, maybe we should hold off for a while.

  • The only reason Mom moved back in

  • was because we promised we'd given up slaying.

  • -(WHISPERING) Tomorrow's Valentines Day,

  • or Bag a Breathe Day as some vampires call it,

  • and I saw the way he looked at your mum.

  • I'm certain she's in danger.

  • -I thought you'd let this vampire thing go.

  • -Uh--

  • -Right, I'm off to work.

  • -Oh, Graham, stick this in the post for me, will you?

  • -Ah, yes, Valentines tomorrow.

  • -Oh, it's not for you, it's for Mr. Count.

  • Poor thing, stuck in the castle on his own.

  • -Are you telling me you fancy him?

  • -Of course not, you big softy.

  • I mean I don't fancy Ian, Paul, or Robin,

  • but I send them a Valentines card each year.

  • -Oh, what?

  • -You mean you're my secret admirer?

  • -What, you really thought somebody out there liked you?

  • -Actually, freak boy, somebody does,

  • and I'm taking her to the Valentines Ball.

  • -No way.

  • I've got a date, as well.

  • -Nice one.

  • -Come on, then, who are the lucky girls?

  • -(IN UNISON) Ingrid.

  • -Hey, Ingrid, what's going on?

  • We can't all be going to the Valentines Ball with you.

  • -Exactly, so I've decided to charge everybody five pounds

  • and pull a name out of a hat.

  • -Great, I'm in.

  • -So you really think my mom might be in danger, again?

  • -Valentines Day brings out the worst in my dad.

  • -And everyone else.

  • It's a load of rubbish if you ask me.

  • -Fools, there's no way I'm falling for it.

  • -Hey, it's my first day here.

  • Could you show me the way to reception?

  • -I'll teach Ingrid to call me all mouth and no fangs, ach!

  • -You can't let her get away with that, master.

  • Have you got a plan?

  • -Of course.

  • I am Count Dracula.

  • Ladies fall at my feet, and if they don't-- ah-

  • then I'll make them.

  • -Three hundred seventy-five, 380, 385.

  • That's every boy except one.

  • Come on now, who's forgot to buy their ticket?

  • -(QUIETLY)Will Clark.

  • -Will Clark?

  • Hm, never heard of him.

  • What does he look like?

  • -Me.

  • -Look do you want to go to the ball with me or not?

  • -Nah, ain't really my thing.

  • -Yeah, well, me neither.

  • -Yeah, well, you'd better give these guys

  • back their money then.

  • -No, wait!

  • I am going to the ball, really!

  • You have no idea who you're messing with, mortal.

  • Err!

  • -So does that mean we've still got a chance, then?

  • -Yeah.

  • -Le trap por vampire, my very own irresistible parfum.

  • More poodle.

  • More grown man's tears, eh?

  • Oh, and finally, for that secret ingredient,

  • the one that few women can resist, chocolate.

  • -Right, time to turn on the Dracula charm.

  • Ugh, Robin, you--

  • -Sorry.

  • So, are you going to the Valentines Ball tomorrow?

  • -As if-- who would I meet in this dump?

  • -You never know.

  • You could meet the man of your dreams.

  • -Are you a footballer?

  • -No.

  • -Are you famous?

  • -No.

  • -Do you live in a castle?

  • -Well, no, but I have got a-- actually,

  • I do live in a castle, when I'm not in my L.A. crib, innit?

  • -Hi.

  • I'm Delilah.

  • -Sweet.

  • -Right, then, where we we?

  • -Dad, you have got Mom a Valentines

  • present for tomorrow?

  • -Yes, I'm going to protect her from a blood-sucking vampire.

  • We can get into the castle.

  • -Right.

  • Well, I'm going to order some chocolates.

  • -Look, just-- wait, wait.

  • What about the plan?

  • Thanks.

  • -Safe, Ingrid.

  • -No one is safe, and no one makes me look-- makes me look--

  • -Ingrid, are you all right?

  • -Oh!

  • -Whoa, what just happened?

  • -Nothing-- nothing happened, all right?

  • -Yeah, whatever.

  • OK.

  • -Wow, this place must be worth a fortune.

  • -Yeah, well, thanks for seeing me home.

  • -Uh, what, you're not going to ask me in?

  • -Oh, I've uh, um, I've left my keys at school.

  • Yeah, I know, we better just be going.

  • Brilliant.

  • -Hey, automatic doors, that's posh.

  • This room would make such a good gym.

  • You'd have to get rid of that fireplace, of course,

  • and clear out all this antique rubbish.

  • -Um, the thing is, my, um, Dad will be sleeping,

  • and it's really not a good idea to wake him.

  • -Grrr, stranger danger.

  • -Oh, that is really cute.

  • Hello.

  • -Grr.

  • -Nope, I'm bored of it, how do you switch it off?

  • -Gr?

  • Oh, madame, that it not a button.

  • THE COUNT (OFFSCREEN): Who's there?

  • -Just me, Dad.

  • -Dad?

  • -Hi, Vlad.

  • This is Delilah, my girlfriend.

  • Delilah?

  • -So, up to the castle, slay the Count, complete Operation

  • Valentines, all before your mum gets back.

  • -Surprise, I thought we'd have a family night in.

  • -Yeah, we'll, uh, cook dinner.

  • -Mission aborted.

  • [groaning]

  • -Butcher.

  • How does this sunbed work, then?

  • -Allow me to demonstrate.

  • -Dad, no!

  • -Oy!

  • -That's Delilah, she's a friend from school.

  • -Oh, and already you've got her into a coffin.

  • You dark horse.

  • [cackling] Oh,

  • -And Vlad, remember the rules.

  • No biting.

  • -Your dad's cool.

  • Is he a rock star?

  • -I think it's time you left.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: Welcome to the vampire help line.

  • If you are losing your fangs, say

  • one, if you can't stand the sight of blood,

  • say two, if you are unable to achieve hypnosis, say--

  • -Three.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: Has this ever happened before?

  • -No.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: Are you feeling stressed?

  • -No.

  • -Is a breather in question attracted to you?

  • -Well, sort of, but I don't see how that's relevant.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: I'm sorry, I did not understand your answer.

  • Is a breather in question attracted?

  • -Yes.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: Does lighting flicker in their presence?

  • -Yes.

  • VOICE ON PHONE: Dear, you're in love with a breather.

  • -What?

  • I an not in love with a breather!

  • No!

  • -I must say, I was very impressed with your young lady

  • earlier.

  • You certainly are a chip off the old fang.

  • -Delilah is Robin's girlfriend, not mine.

  • -Well then crush him, steal her away.

  • -Dad, I can't make her like me, can I?

  • -Ah, you'd be surprised at what we vampires can do.

  • Le trap por vampire, guaranteed to make even

  • the most hideous louse irresistible.

  • -Blech!

  • -That's scary, It's also cheating.

  • -You're not going to use this on Mrs. Branner, are you?

  • -Oh, I promise you, the Branner woman is quite safe.

  • -You promised, vampire's honor.

  • -Cross my cold, unbeating heart.

  • Ah, Valentine's Day at last.

  • Time to bag a breather.

  • Ech, I-- grr.

  • What's going on?

  • -Sorry, Dad, I just can't trust you.

  • THE COUNT: But I gave you my word.

  • -Exactly.

  • -Vladimir, let me out immediately!

  • Renfield!

  • -Grr!

  • I can't help you, master.

  • I'm locked in the chest.

  • [banging]

  • RENFIELD: Let me out!

  • -Let me out, you traitor!

  • Grr!

  • -Hey, Nosferatu!

  • -What are you doing?

  • -(WHISPERING) Shh.

  • I'm guarding your mum.

  • It's Valentine's Day and she's a prime target.

  • There's no way I'm letting her out of my sight today.

  • -'Morning.

  • Just been for a run above the castle.

  • -The castle?

  • -Yes, the castle, and look, I wasn't bitten once.

  • -Delivery for Rita Van Helsing.

  • -Ooh, thank you.

  • -I wonder who these could be from, eh, Dad.

  • -The count!

  • Of course, good thinking, Johno.

  • It could be a human heart, or a blood bomb,

  • or maybe it's even the Count himself!

  • Die!

  • -Or maybe it's the chocolates you ordered.

  • -Happy Valentine's Day.

  • -Thanks.

  • -Oh, yeah.

  • Mm.

  • -Robin?

  • -Oh, hey, Vlad.

  • I, uh, can't stop, I'm--

  • -Meeting your girlfriend.

  • -Yeah, look, about pretending I lived in the castle--

  • -Oh, that.

  • Don't worry.

  • All's fair in love and war, eh?

  • -Exactly.

  • So we're still friends?

  • -Friends.

  • So, yeah, it's actually me who lives in a castle,

  • but I'm sure you still want to go out with Robin, so--

  • -Delilah!

  • -Hiya, Robin.

  • You're dumped, and yes, Vlad, I would

  • love to go to the ball with you.

  • See ya.

  • -Ooh.

  • -Somebody loves you.

  • Don't know why.

  • [screaming]

  • -It's all right, they're--they're only rats.

  • -Only rats?

  • What do you want, snakes with flick knives?

  • -Are these for me?

  • Huh, I'm-- I'm touched.

  • -Touched?

  • You're supposed to be scared witless.

  • -See you at the ball later.

  • -I thought you weren't going to the ball.

  • -Yeah, well, I, uh, changed my mind.

  • -Tough, the ball's canceled-- rat infestation.

  • [screaming]

  • -Well, thanks a lot, I had a date with Delilah.

  • -Aw, have I ruined your evening?

  • Bonus.

  • Anyway, I thought you'd be guarding Dad.

  • -Don't worry, Dad's going nowhere.

  • -Ah, Vlad, Ingrid, now there's no need to worry.

  • Your father got himself off to no-- what was it again?

  • -I hypnotized her so she wouldn't remember.

  • I'm so lucky Elizabeth happened to drop by.

  • -No, I'm the lucky one, Mr. Count.

  • Thanks again for letting me hold the ball here tonight.

  • Isn't it exciting?

  • -Robin, I can't believe you're letting

  • our whole family to up there again.

  • -Chloe, it's a school disco.

  • -In a vampire's castle!

  • -Come on, you two, glad rags on.

  • -There is no way I'm going to that Valentine's Ball.

  • -Don't think she got many cards.

  • -Ah, doesn't it look beautiful?

  • -Mm, lovely.

  • -I can't believe we have to be here.

  • -Well, you are a teacher, Eric, and this is the school ball.

  • The least you can do is be civil.

  • -Ah, what a delightful surprise.

  • This way for drinks and nibbles.

  • -Whatever you do, don't take your eyes off your mum.

  • -All set for your date with my girlfriend?

  • -She's my girlfriend.

  • -Only because you cheated.

  • -Well, at least now she'll know the truth.

  • -Ah, so you've told her you're a vampire then?

  • -Well-- well, I can't tell her that, can I?

  • -Vladimir, where is my bottle of Le Trap?

  • And don't even think about lying.

  • -Uh, I threw it away.

  • -What?

  • The whole lot?

  • But I haven't used a drop of it yet, why?

  • -Well, because you're the Prince of Darkness.

  • You don't need some cheap perfume.

  • -Well, I suppose I am pretty irresistible, yes.

  • You're right, Vlady.

  • Last one to the dance floor is a loveless louse.

  • [cackling]

  • -Ladies and, um, lordies, please find your Valentine

  • for our traditional Transylvanian maypole dance.

  • [music playing]

  • -So it turns out Delilah didn't fancy either of us.

  • -Not yet, she doesn't.

  • -Vlad.

  • Let's do it.

  • -Careful, this is really strong stuff.

  • [glass breaking]

  • -Great, now look what you've done.

  • -Hey, boys.

  • -(IN UNISON) Hey.

  • [screaming women]

  • --[inaudible], one at a time, please!

  • -Takes after his father, that one.

  • -Nina.

  • -Run!

  • [screaming women]

  • -What are we doing here?

  • -We need to find an antidote quickly.

  • -If only I'd learned to fart at will.

  • -What?

  • -Well, that's normally gets rid of Chloe.

  • -Well, that's it.

  • We just need to find the right smell.

  • [pounding at door]

  • -Hurry up!

  • -All right, uh, cat food, monkey droppings, rotten eggs.

  • Which one?

  • -Just mix them all together.

  • Come on, Vlad, faster!

  • [pounding at door]

  • ROBBIE (OFFSCREEN): Hurry up!

  • -Oof.

  • -Ooh.

  • -(IN UNISON) Ooh.

  • -You two are such losers.

  • -Let's never argue over a girl again.

  • -Deal.

  • -Where is she?

  • [coughing]

  • -I have a little Valentine's gift for you.

  • Sorry about the spelling.

  • I had Renfield carve it.

  • Now it's time for my Valentine gift.

  • -Room service.

  • -Yes, yes, now go away!

  • -Oh.

  • Where am I?

  • -Uh--

  • -Well, hello.

  • -No, no, no.

  • Aw, Renfield!

  • -Hey, Ingrid.

  • Look, you've-- you've got some choc--

  • -You are so transparent!

  • Dancing with that bubble brained wannabe, pathetic attempt

  • to make me jealous.

  • -It worked then?

  • -Boys.

  • -Nina.

  • -Mom!

  • THE COUNT: Go away!

  • -What have you done with her?

  • -Nothing.

  • She ran off with that cockroach Renfield.

  • -You're going to pay for this.

  • Did you say Renfield?

  • -I'd rather not talk about it right now.

  • -You are so adorable.

  • -Oh, no, I'm not.

  • -Nina!

  • -Eric.

  • Isn't he handsome?

  • [squealing]

  • -Ooh.

  • [squealing]

  • -Mm.

  • [squealing]

  • -Ugh, ugh!

  • -Sorry darling, you're safe, safe, safe.

  • -Eric, what have you done?

  • -Saved you from a vampire.

  • -I knew you'd have to cause trouble.

  • You just couldn't help yourself, could you?

  • -I've never seen Ingrid look so happy.

  • -Everyone outside now!

  • -Grr!

  • -Now that is more like it.

INGRID: So we're agreed?

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