Yeah, ‘cause that seems like a stretch

Look, if I were really a vampire, would I just stay here, tied up, proclaiming my innocence as some sort of trick?

Yeah. That’s completely, exactly what a vampire would do.

We have, like, forty hours of video documentation.

Bet you wished you’d watched my project now, huh?

Fine.

So I'm a vampire.

But I couldn’t have made off with either of the two cupcakes because I was here with you,

and then I was here being ambushed by toddlers the whole time.

Well, maybe you have some kind of… vampiric accomplice!

Do I strike you as the type of person who plays well with others?

Well, if you weren’t snacking on coeds, what were you doing following them around at parties?

I’m a popular girl. I get a lot of invitations.

Not everybody has to resort to bush league investigative journalism to get their kicks.

You’re a vampire!

Yeah, but not a kidnapper!

She’s got us there. Assuming she’s up to something diabolical just because she’s—

An undead fiend from the pits of hell?

I’m from Eastern Europe.

Potato, potahto.

[Knocking at the door, Perry and LaFontaine run to answer it]

Oh, hey! Yeah, we’re actually good for beer shots right now. But thanks for thinking of us.

What? Uh, no. We’re rehearsing a skit.

Uh, yeah, the torture scene from Arsenic and Old Lace.

Mhmm. Yeah, there’s a torture scene.

Want more info? Buy tickets.

Okay. As much as I appreciate that we have this whole

hysterical vampire thing going on, I think it’s time that we just deescalate…

Deescalate? She just admitted to being a vampire.

I know.

And that’s insane.

So, maybe she’s just insane and instead of holding her here hostage

we should take her to student health services.

I hear they have a great collection of straight jackets and tranquilizers.

Well, what other option do we have?

Keeping her here tied up, watching her every second? Starving her until she confesses?

[Later]

Good morning, viewers!

And welcome to day nine of operation stupid, obstinate vampire roommate won’t talk.

Which is all she has to do and we will totally give her this nice, yummy blood to drink.

Ugh, I swear.

[Knocking, Laura runs to answer the door]

Uh, hey.

No, no, Carmilla’s not here right now. Uh, she had tickets to some

angry, existentialist punk rock fight club thing… You know how she is…

[Carmilla seizes in the chair]

Yeah, I’m sure she’s totally gonna text you when she gets back. Okay. Bye.

[Closes door]

I swear,

if one more of your broken hearted study buddies comes knocking at the door

I’m gonna start spritzing them like…

cats.

Carmilla! No! No, no, no! Please don’t die, please don’t die you stupid vampire! Here, look, I’ve got blood.

Ah!

[Carmilla stops seizing, grumbles]

Oh, thank god.

Damnit.

Do you want some more?

Fine.

[Laura holds the mug while Carmilla drinks]

Where’d you get that?

Uh,

we figured we might need some leverage

so LaFontaine got it from the campus hospital. She told them it was for an experiment about hematophagy.

Uh, you’ve got a little something right…

What?

The experience of being held captive by a clutch of imbeciles

for something I didn’t even have the pleasure of doing

is humiliating enough without having you wipe me up like a dribbling child.

Look,

if you really want me to believe that you didn’t do it, you have got to explain what you were doing at those parties.

‘Cause the night that we caught you, it sure looked like you were about to eat me.

Wait, you thought that me trying to eat you?

Well, if you weren’t trying to eat, then what were you trying to—

Oh...

Oh!

So when you were hitting on me, you were really hitting on me?

Yes.

And you were luring me into a trap.

Could you just stake me now? ‘Cause I think that would be less mortifying than this conversation.

Wow.

That is...

Okay, even if I was to believe you,

that still wouldn’t explain what you were doing at the parties and how you know all of the missing girls.

If you want us to trust you, you have gotta tell us your side of the story.

My side of the story?

Alright, then. Buckle up, creampuff.

We’re gonna be in for a long night.

Or, you know, Wednesday afternoon.