You’ve seen great superhero films.

You’ve seen terrible superhero films.

Now prepare for a superhero film that’s just kinda ehhhh.

I mean I guess they did the best they could adapting a comic book about a bratty space

god.

"You are an old man and a fool!"

Journey to Asgard, the land of viking myth, where

everyone gets a pointy hat,

the gods live inside a CGI pipe,

and the only way in or out is through the Rainbow Road level from Mario Kart.

Meet Thor, the least relatable Marvel hero since Dr. Strange.

He’s an idiot demigod prince, with a magical hammer that really needs

to buy a vowel.

“Mjolnir”

“Mjolnir”

“Mjolnir”

“Mjolnir? What's Mjolnir”?

But Thor isn’t the only god in town...

Meet Loki, Thor’s evil stepbrother, who will stop at nothing to betray

his adopted father

with the help of his real father

"I will conceal you and you can slay him where he lies."

in order to betray his real father

"And your death came with the son of Odin."

to impress his adopted father.

"I could've done it, father. For you!"

Ugh, that makes even less sense than his plan from The Avengers.

"Not a great plan."

Meet Odin, Thor and Loki’s dad who pretty much guarantees that one of

his kids will grow up to resent the other...

“Only one of you can ascend to the throne, but both of you were born to be kings."

Oh and all of these rejects from Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, and Xena: Warrior

Princess.

Struggle with the former god of thunder as he’s stripped of his powers and banished

to these two square blocks in the New Mexico desert.

There, he’ll acclimate to our strange Earth customs like...

ordering in restaurants,

"Another!"

health care,

"You're no match for the mighty --"

traffic safety,

and horse purchasing.

"I need a horse!"

"We don't have horses. Just dogs."

"Then give me one of those large enough to ride.

Watch as Thor turns to Jane Foster for help, a brilliant astrophysicist with supermodel

good looks that just happens to be single

and who immediately falls in love with Thor for no good reason.

Make that 6 reasons:

Aaaaabs.

So ride along with Thor as he loses, then regains, his magic powers,

hooks up with Jane,

saves two different realms from destruction,

and learns the virtues of patience and humility

...All over the course of a long weekend.

Seriously. This whole movie takes place over two and a half days.

Starring...

Thunder From Down Under

Lokimon

The God-Father

Eye Dress Elbow

Lord Zedd from Power Rangers

1 Broke Girl

and Portmandia.

Thor...’s obligatory movie

So Loki “dies” at the end and comes back to life by the ending credits?

That’s gotta be some kind of record.

Hey, Screen Junkies! If you like my voice, how about clicking that big subscribe button

then, huh?

Also: want to see Lucius Fox himself read The Fox? Then click the box to the left to

see us waste Morgan Freeman, Robert DeNiro, Michael Douglas and Kevin Kline's time reading

dumb stuff.

Speaking

of which...