of Secretary. And what do you get? That’s right, Fifty Shades Of Grey!

Yes, British author EL James’s best-selling erotic novel has been given the big-screen

treatment, and the result is… to be expected.

First off, let’s talk about the leads. Dakota Johnson, who you’ll have seen in

movies like 21 Jump Street and The Social Network, plays Anastasia Steele.

Ana’s a lip-biting college student who does her sick friend a favour by stepping in at

the last minute to interview billionaire businessman Christian Grey for the college newspaper.

Ana is pretty much just another weak, female character, though on a few occasions she shows

herself capable of taking more control than expected.

This is a tough role for an actress, not least because of the nudity.

But Johnson is one of the movie’s main strengths – she delivers a very natural performance

as Ana despite the fifty shades of shit script she has to swim through to get there.

I really hope this movie launches her on to much, much better things, as she’s got a

lot of talent.

Jamie Dornan stars as the mega-rich Grey, who’s big on control, shall we say.

Dornan, who was so great as the soft-spoken serial killer in the BBC series The Fall,

which there’s actually a little allusion to in this movie, does a good job as Grey,

despite the fact he seems to get the lion’s share of laughable lines.

As for the dialogue, it is excruciatingly bad.

I’m guessing that’s because the screenwriter was hamstrung by the incredible level of control

that author EL James exercised over the movie, which is a very unusual situation, especially

for someone with so little experience. There are countless cornball lines, where

you just think to yourself, ‘no one would say that in real life!’

At least, it provides plenty of laughs, even

if many of them are entirely unintentional.

As for the story, well, that essentially follows Ana’s initiation by Grey into his world

of BDSM – that’s bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and sado-masochism,

just in case you didn’t know. In some ways, it’s hard to believe Fifty

Shades Of Grey started life as Twilight fan fiction, but all that stuff where Grey tells

Ana she should stay away from him certainly reminds me of Edward and Bella in Twilight,

and there’s Ana’s male friend who wants much more than just friendship too.

The plot of Fifty Shades brings with it an array of clichés, including the young, unsophisticated

woman with no money who falls for the rich, sophisticated guy, who in this case happens

to be only slightly older. Yes, poor Cinderella gets her rich prince,

but not without a good spanking first. Then there’s the cliché of the woman who

wants a bad boy, or at least an emotionally damaged one, that they can make good.

But there’s also a weird, creepy, horror-vibe going on with Grey basically stalking Ana,

even turning up in her home, uninvited and unannounced.

It reminded me a bit of the terrible rom-com This Means War, which thought for some unknown

reason that it’d be romantic and funny to have two male friends, who were after the

same woman, turning up randomly in her home and tracking her every movement.

Oh, and after how we’re introduced to Grey, the scene where he hands Ana his business

card, and the camera lingers over it, made me half expect him to launch into a discussion

of its colouring and lettering, à la American Psycho.

The start of the movie all feels like it happens rather quickly.

One minute, Ana and Grey are meeting for the first time, and next minute they’re hot

as hell for each other. Yet, it never felt like there was any real

heat between the leads in their meet-cute. But while the development of their desire

did feel rushed, the film overall felt long. I think it was the ridiculous dialogue, which

did make me laugh, but just got more and more tedious as the film went on.

Obviously, there’s a lot of nudity, but given what I understand about the source material,

the adaptation feels rather tame, pretty soft-core in comparison.

It’s basically Nine And A Half Weeks with added male nudity.

Director Sam Taylor-Johnson was always going to be waging an up-hill battle to make even

a polyester purse, never mind a silk one, out of a sow’s ear.

But she’s obviously tried her best, especially given the on-set battles between herself and

author EL James that she’s spoken about. As for the look of the movie, cinematographer

Seamus McGarvey’s worked his magic yet again. You’ll have seen McGarvey’s work on movies

like Atonement, Avengers Assemble, and We Need To Talk About Kevin.

And in Fifty Shades Of Grey he’s given us another astonishingly well-shot movie.

The movie’s design team, David and Sandy Wasco, and its costume designer Mark Bridges

have also all done a great job creating Ana and Grey’s worlds through their apartments

and clothes.

So, to sum up: Fifty Shades Of Grey is a yawnsome movie riddled with clichés and some absolutely

awful dialogue. But Dakota Johnson’s performance and Seamus

McGarvey’s beautiful cinematography help it rise above what it is.

Fifty Shades Of Grey gets 2 out of 5 Flicks.

What did you think of Fifty Shades Of Grey? Are you looking forward to the inevitable

sequel? Who are you favourite big screen couples?

Let me know in the comments below! If you like this video, hit the thumbs-up

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Thanks for watching and see ya next time. Yippee-ki-yay, movie lovers!