Look, it's the middle of October, which across the nation means that

we are all looking at this and thinking, I don't known why

but I simply have to drink that. (Laughter)

Yes, it's that special time of year, where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin-

spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle. And--

And I don't mean it tastes like a candle smells.

Pumpkin-spice lattes taste like a candle tastes.

(Laughter & applause) Don't ask me how I know that.

But what is strange is that pumpkin- spice foods, inexplicably, seem to

grow more omnipresent every year, even though there's no actual

pumpkin in the drinks, kind of like how everyone you meet calls himself

a DJ all of a sudden, when what they really mean

is that they own an iPad and have been to a party.

But apparently, each American eats more than five pounds of pumpkin per

year, which is more than the amount of pumpkin in five pumpkin pies.

And pumpkin pie is the most seasonal food there is.

It is only good from the moment Thanksgiving dinner ends until just

after you have taken your first bite of it.

Five pounds of pumpkin a year is even crazier than the fact that we

allegedly swallow eight spiders in a lifetime.

(Laughter) Why is it crazier?

Because there is no way a pumpkin has ever crawled into my mouth

while I was sleeping. (Laughter)

And the worst part is, nobody wants anything pumpkin flavored from

December through August, and here is how I know that.

You can have it whenever you want.

That bottle of pumpkin-flavored science goo sits behind the

counter of Starbucks all year round, never aging, like Ryan Seacrest.

Or the early work of Dr. Dre, which, which really holds up.

It really holds up. (Chuckling)

Have you listened to The Chronic lately?

Go back and do it. It's really great.

It's great, except for the sexism and homophobia, which is most of it,

but that's not the point. It's really good.

The point is, we tolerate pumpkin spice because we like the fall.

It's the best season, because you get to stop thinking about how weird

your legs look in shorts. That is ev--

(Laughter) --that's everyone, right?

We all agree on that.

But just about anything that reminds us of autumn is a better flavor

than pumpkin spice.

I personally, for instance, would rather drink a cable-knit-sweater-

spice latte, or a Major League Baseball-spice latte, or a keen-

awareness-of-my-own- mortality-spice latte,

because that's what foliage is. (Laughter)

Although, look, it might be an acquired taste--

(Applause) --that might be an acquired taste.

Pumpkin spice is just eggnog for morning people, okay?

And I will be subject to its tyranny no longer.

It stops here.

We'll be back next week with a brand-new episode of

Last Week Tonight.

Until then, please ignore the news and continue to drink

regular cwaffee. Good night. (Applause & cheering)

Closed Captioning by The Closed Captioning Project

Captioning for everyone.