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  • - So this morning, I went to Starbucks.

  • You know Starbucks. You've heard of Starbucks?

  • (audience) Yeah! Yep.

  • There's one on the corner next to the Starbucks

  • across from the Starbucks?

  • [laughter]

  • Go in there for coffee, should be simple.

  • You go in, you order, they say "What's your name?"

  • You tell them your name. A few minutes later,

  • they hand you a coffee that says "Helen."

  • You know. [laughter]

  • Should be easy, it's not.

  • First, there's a long line. Why is there a line?

  • I mean, there are more Starbucks in the world

  • then there are people. We should all--

  • [laughter] We should have our individual

  • Starbucks by now. [laughter]

  • I think one reason is-- the line is so long because

  • the people don't know what to order.

  • That's--that's one of the things.

  • These people, they go every single day,

  • and then they just stare up at the menu.

  • [laughter]

  • Like seeing it for the first time.

  • It's the same menu. Nothing's changed.

  • They have coffee, they have tea,

  • and they have Michael Buble CDs.

  • [laughter]

  • Choose something.

  • And then there are the people who know what they want,

  • but they're--they-- so complicated.

  • That's the problem with it.

  • There's a woman in front of me,

  • she ordered a mocha, no-foam, extra whip, sugar-free,

  • double shot, non-fat, vanilla iced, Ariana Grande.

  • And-- [laughter]

  • Then after you place your order,

  • you walk over to the barista station,

  • which is a fancy name for "coffee pourer person," and--

  • [laughter] This is a place where people

  • stand as close to the counter

  • as they possibly can, even though there are 12 people

  • waiting for their order that were before them.

  • And then, after you get your coffee,

  • you have a seat, which-- you can't find a seat,

  • it's impossible, 'cause

  • I call 'em "Starbucks Squatters."

  • That's what they-- They order one coffee,

  • and then they sit there-- 8 to 12 hours.

  • And they bring so much stuff with them.

  • It looks like they're moving in.

  • They have a newspaper, they have a book,

  • a charger, a laptop,

  • extension cords, a cot,

  • [laughter]

  • pictures of their family, a personal assistant,

  • a garden hose--I don't know why.

  • [laughter]

  • No one should spend that much time at a Starbucks,

  • which brings me to the dress code,

  • and I've mentioned this before, but,

  • Spandex bike shorts are not acceptable.

  • [laughter]

  • A) You're sweaty.

  • B) No one wants to see you dig in there for exact change.

  • [loud laughter]

  • There is nothing worse than a warm dollar.

  • [groans and laughter]

- So this morning, I went to Starbucks.

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