>> You know some of our commentary

about sex can be very confusing.

Take for example the scenario of a student walking

across campus on the way to his or her dorm,

it's Sunday about noon

and their wrinkled party clothes belie the fact that maybe,

just maybe, this student had sex last night.

Now students tell me that if it's a guy on the way back

to his dorm, it's called the walk of fame,

but if it's a girl, the walk of shame.

Is there something wrong with that?

And you know I think probably one of the areas

where the most confusing commentary arises is

on that controversial topic of virginity arises.

I mean, take for example this question posed by the media;

have you slept with this man, probably not,

Tim Tebow claims to be a virgin but that question was posed

to ask along with an offer of one million dollars for anyone

who could prove undeniable

that they had taken his virginity.

Is it possible that sometimes our commentary is a

contradiction of the banner of tolerance that we waved

so proudly over sexual choice.

I said goodbye to my virginity when I just fifteen.

How old were you?

If you had it to do over again would you wait any longer?

I would have, I didn't bear any of the physical consequences

of my choice to have sex early, I didn't get pregnant,

I didn't acquire sexually transmitted disease

but my spirit was impacted.

I was depressed.

I felt like I'd given a piece of myself away

and I could never have it back.

That's probably why I've devoted my life

to spreading the idea that sex is worthy of something more

than a casual hook up.

I'm wondering if maybe some of you feel the same way.

I think it's possible because there are more virgins

than ever on college campuses.

These days about 19 percent

of an entire student population will claim to be virgins

that means that at Penn State there could be 8,360 of them,

not as rare as you might think.

Now, of course the majority of students are having sex

and they are having a lot of sex.

The average male will leave

with 9.7 sexual partners before he graduates from college

and the average female with leave with 7.1.

That's a lot of sex.

Now some of those students come to me to kind of sort

out their emotions and they tell me

that they wish they hadn't treated sex so casually.

I remember very clearly the conversation that I had

with one woman, she sat with me and she explained

that she'd gotten caught up in the party and sex scene

and she just didn't really like how it made her feel.

And so when she withdrew from that scene,

she experienced a great deal of ridicule from some

of her closest friends.

This prompted her to ask me why is there tolerance

for everything but abstinence here and I posed that question

to you to answer today along with maybe some encouragement

that if we had a clearer commentary

about how sex really worked we might be able

to create some acceptance for those who make this choice.

Now one of the myths that I hear quite often is

that you can hook up without commitment,

well it turns out that your brain,

not this blood pumping organ

about twelve inches below it is actually the seat of sexual

and romantic emotion;

still I have yet to read a Valentine's Day card

that reads my brain throbs for you.

So we might not really understand how significant our brain

is as an organ of sex.

When you have sex, neurochemicals wash

across the deep limbic system and the thalamus.

One of those neurochemicals is that of dopamine,

now dopamine creates this simultaneous sense of peace

and pleasure, but its real purpose is to drive you back

to the source of pleasure,

to create a craving if you will an addiction

to your sex partner.

Now another chemical is a beautiful chemical oxytocin;

oxytocin has quite a different role,

its job is to bond you to the person you're having sex with.

It's like relationship superglue.

So powerful is it that the very first time any human

experiences it is when they are barely born

and they are tiny little babies suckling

at their mother's breast.

That first download of oxytocin teaches that little baby

to enter into community and relationships

as only humans can through bonding.

Now you can't override these two chemicals

and their addictive and bonding agents

and that's what led one Stanford University sex researcher

to observe the fact that sometimes those in the Friends

with Benefits movement are coming back

to the same friend again and again,

they're just not calling it a relationship.

Maybe they're not unattached as they would like to think.

Friends with benefits might just be physically impossible,

your body makes a promise whether you do or not.

Another myth that I see perpetuated is

that you can have sex, great sex, without being in love,

can you have great sex without being in love,

well maybe physically, but do our emotions count too.

One Penn State study is students who have sex

for the very first time as college students found

that the day after, men felt great about themselves,

better even than they did the day before.

Women, on the other hand,

reported a significant decline in body image.

Now this confused me because it's very counter intuitive

to the oxytocin and the dopamine and cocktail

of other chemicals that wash across our brains,

they should not only bond us to our sex partners,

they should make us feel great about ourselves.

So I did a little research and I found

that a ground breaking study out of the University

of California revealed the fact that when a woman is

in a relationship that's not committed,

her brain doesn't make some

of the significant chemicals quite as magnificently

as one who's in a mutually monogamous partnership.

Maybe, just maybe, great sex requires great love.

One of the things that I've observe is

that the Hebrew cultures use to use a word yada for sex,

kind of like yada, yada, yada.

This word that our culture kind of thinks means blah, blah,

blah, boring, boring, boring,

not so boring to the ancient Hebrew and it meant to know

to be known, to be deeply respected.

Not one inkling of the physical it transcended that to talk

about the emotional connection

that happens during the beautiful act of sex.

In more modern times, a psychology today survey revealed

that when talked about when sex is the greatest,

they said it's more fun when we're in love.

Another myth is this.

Sexual pleasure is greatest when you're young and hot.

Are there any middle aged people out there today?

I have a little antidote for you, a little bit of science

and research for the bad jokes about marriage and sex.

A University of Illinois study found that those

who have having the most frequent

and the hottest sex were actually middle age people

in mutually monogamous life time partnerships,

not college coeds with lots of sex partners.

Now maybe, just maybe we don't really understand

that communication and commitment are two

of the greatest agents of sex;

maybe it's not about hot bodies and youth maybe it's

about commitment and communication.

I think these myths and a few others probably perpetuate the

great lie that somebody whose embracing their virginity

until the time is right is going to end up having bad sex,

but the evidence suggests quite the opposite.

Now here's the bottom line,

when you choose to have sex is your choice

but if your choice is to embrace your virginity

until the time is right,

that's a choice that worthy of our tolerance.

Tolerance is accepting someone's choice without judgment.

I think of Tina Fey and I find it ironic that when she came

out that she was a virgin when she first met her husband

and didn't even have sex with him until she was 24.

It was funny; we laughed a lot,

is that just because she's funny or is it possible

that her choice doesn't get the same tolerance

and acceptance as the other sexual choices in our culture.

I'll leave the answer to you but I want to say this

to the virgins out there about sex, you are going to love it

and I think that your choice is good one, a worthy one,

worthy of our tolerance and our acceptance and to you

and those who maybe aren't virgins but are choosing

to step back and to embrace a life of abstinence

for this time, I think there is nothing shameful

about the way you walking through life.

In fact if I were to call it anything, it's so brave,

I would call it the walk of fame.

Thank you.

[ Applause ]