- Throw me the diaper!

(electronic baby cries)

- If this is anything like Tamagotchis,

I had like three, and they died within a day.

- Robo-babies.

- It's not even a cyborg.

There's no human to love.

- Eugene and I are both very competitive,

so that means our baby is going to be the best.

- I can't take care of myself.

- As long as I don't have to make

an emotional commitment to anything,

I should be good.

(electronic rock music)

- So today we got robot babies.

- We're having a baby.

This is exactly how I pictured it would happen.

(electronic baby cries)

- It's basically a robot baby.

It's used in schools.

It's used in health classes to teach baby curriculum.

- You have to change its diapers, you have to feed it,

you have to burp it, you have to rock it.

- You have to change its diaper?

- How do you change a robot's diaper?

- So, this is like birth right now.

- This is birth.

(singing wordlessly)

- He's Asian!

- Baby, get out!

It's not alive, yet, right?

I'm allowed to mishandle it?

- Sploosh!

- Now my turn!

- Oh, definitely an Asian baby.

- Who does he look more like?

- Haven't you always,

I thought every white person wants an Asian baby, right?

- He has blue eyes.

He gets those from me.

- He's also tiny, sorta like you.

- Yeah.

- Look how much hair he has!

Just like his father.

- I can hear something rocking in it.

- That's probably its censor of "I'm being abused!"

- We have to name the baby.

- Yeah.

- I think it's important for a name

to have something of significance.

- I'm thinking Maurice.

- [Ned] JJ. - [Eugene] JJ.

- [Ned] JJ. JJ Fang. - [Eugene] JJ Fang.

- Maurice Kornsberger.

- Maurice Kornsberger.

- [Eugene] You are so badass! - [Ned] That's a dope name!

(chanting from "Circle of Life")

- I would be scared of this baby if I was another baby.

- Let's bring our baby to life.

(humming)

- In three, two--

- Does it move?

Doesn't seem like it's-- (electronic chiming)

- Oh, it's the-- (electronic baby coo)

Yes?

(electronic baby coo)

- Hi, Maurice! Welcome!

- [Eugene] Hi, JJ! - [Ned] Hi, JJ!

(electronic baby cooing)

- What do you want?

What does he want?

- How do you know?

They just cry

and you have to guess. - [Eugene] Get the bottle Ned!

- [Zach] Do I just, do I just--

(electronic baby cries)

Hey, buddy.

(louder electronic baby cries)

- [Ned] No no no no no no! - [Eugene] It's all right.

- Do I just stab it at its face?

- Just hold it to him.

(electronic sucking)

- How do I know when I've fed him too much?

- He'll (beep)-ing let you know.

(happy electronic baby cooing) - I'm done!

- Oh, what an adorable squeal!

- Do we have to burp him?

- Is that what we're doing?

How do we know he needs to burp right now?

He's just going, "Uhh."

- This seems excessive.

You're burping him for a long time.

- You burp babies for a long time.

- Let me try. Let me try.

- I swear to God I'm gonna be better at this.

(electronic baby burp)

- [Ned] Aww, he burped. - [Eugene] Aww, he burped.

- It sounded kind of like a fart, but...

Diaper change!

- That felt like a poopy!

(electronic baby crying) - I know, I know!

- Come on!

(electronic baby crying)

- (beep)-ing put the diaper on him, Zach!

- No, he doesn't want it.

- I'm sorry, I was laughing at his penis.

- Don't laugh at his penis.

- His penis is hilarious.

How can you not laugh at it?

Stop crying, please!

(silence)

That was it. He just...

That was it?

- Is he dead? Did you kill it?

- He's not dead, right?

- Wait, we didn't...

(electronic chiming) (relieved sighing)

Oh, thank--- (electronic baby coo)

- [Zach] Oh, he's happy! - [Keith] "I'm happy!"

(rejoiced yelling)

- So, tonight we're gonna take our babies home.

- It's gonna record our results.

- At the end of the night,

the baby's going to generate a report.

- And we're gonna stay up all night

trying to take care of the babies.

- Well, you know, we're gonna try

and get a good night's sleep.

- I don't think that's gonna happen.

- I, just this moment, had a realization

of how hellish the next 24 hours are gonna be.

(dramatic crescendo)

- What happened last night...

(loud electronic baby crying)

(intermingled talking and yelling)

- I guess we should start at the beginning.

- Start at the beginning.

- We left the office very excited, full of energy.

I thought, "Keith and I having a sleepover?

"That's gonna be a fun time."

- He's a cutie pie.

You're gonna realize he's cute and we're in charge of him.

- Ned's wife came for a visit at the beginning of the night.

- That was so nice to have some family help.

Once we had the baby down to sleep, it was delightful!

- The thing is is that you just kinda realize

that it's all worth it.

- [Ned] We did some work. - [Eugene] We did some work.

- We're raising this baby both religions.

- We listened to classical music.

(classical music) ♫ Because you are JJ Fang,

- ♫ Better than Keith - [Ned] ♫ Better than Keith

- [Eugene] ♫and Zach's baby!♫ - [Ned] ♫and Zach's baby!♫

- I didn't have a bar mitzvah,

but I do want Maurice to have one.

- We drank a nice Riesling.

- But you can't do anything to his dick.

- What are you talking about?

- And it was really pleasant.

- I already checked on that.

He's not circumcised yet.

- Of course not.

So, we get set to go to sleep.

- Maybe you strip Maurice,

and then I'll dress him back up again.

- Our baby's adorable.

- Dude, our baby looks amazing!

- We put our baby in the separate room

so it had its own nursery.

- [Keith] We figured out how to make a bed.

- We'd snuggled him up in his blanket.

- [Keith] We say, "Goodnight."

- [Zach] Goodnight, Keith.

[Keith] Goodnight, Zach's phone.

- Goodnight, Zach.

- Goodnight, Keith.

- I think he might be good the whole night.

- [Keith] You're crazy.

(dramatic crescendo)

(soft, creepy music)

- So (beep)-ing 1:30 in the morning--

- No, two.

- Was it two?

(electronic baby crying) (dramatic classical music)

- He activated, and he just flipped.

(electronic baby crying) (dramatic classical music)

- [Keith] I changed its diaper, nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. - [Zach] Burp it. Nothing.

- [Keith] Bottle? Nothing! - [Zach] Nothing!

- Sometimes, I was like, "What do you want?

"What do you want?

"I don't know what he needs!"

- Baby screaming, scream, scream!

- It's gonna give us a bad score.

It's gonna tell us we're terrible parents.

- By the third time, it was more of a,

Can you do it?

- It's just a demon and it's just banshee-screaming at us.

Did one of us do coke during our pregnancy?

- I'd have to say the baby was the source of the stress,

but the source of my anger was Ned.

Look, if this was a crib, you can't sleep

in the crib. - [Ned] If this was a crib,

you can't sleep in the baby.

Don't even worry about it, bro.

- It's a nightmare.

- Can I just hold my child?

- And we're just up forever, it seems like,

with this baby.

We just can't go back to bed.

- By the time the sun came out,

we were just over it.

(dramatic classical music ends)

- [Keith] I've gotta take a shower,

so Zach is gonna watch the baby.

That's what babies are sometimes.

I think how awful this thing was was incredibly accurate.

- You really have to have teamwork

and patience with each other.

- [Zach] I feel like it brought us closer.

- It was less stressful with him than,

I can imagine, without him.

- It's a lot of work.

(vocal drum roll)

- [Voiceover] 79%

(impressed mumbling) - [Keith] What is that, a C?

A C! - [Zach] A C+!

That's pretty good!

- I'm unsatisfied with that, to be honest.

No mishandles? We didn't (beep) up its neck?

I was sure I (beep)-ed up its neck, I was sure.

- What did we get?

- [Voiceover] You got a 75.

(loud yelling)

- [Ned] That is ridiculous!

- [Zach] You just dropped your baby!

- [Ned] He's a robot!

He's not real!

- Dude, we did it! We're great parents!

- [Keith] We're great parents! - [Zach] We're great parents!

(yelling gleefully)

- [Zach] You know what?

All this now, I don't even care how tired I am.

I'm so elated that we did a great job.

- This is from the two guys who just said

they hated their baby five seconds ago.

- Yes, I did hate it five seconds ago.

Now that I'm a winner, I'm thrilled.

- Seeing your baby laugh for the first time

would be just,

it would make everything that you did,

all of the late nights, just so worth it.