Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Sub mission, and Masochism.

If you’ve ever been consensually blindfolded or hand cuffed. Congratulations! You’ve

practiced some form of BDSM. Most people have, actually because there's a huge spectrum.

Anything from feather light caresses to something called Tamakeri. Tamakeri? Tamakeri. I don't

know. It's a Japanese fetish for being kicked in the balls. [Gasp] It might sound scary,

but BDSM is all about finding pleasure in pain. It's about intense sensations and exchanges

of power for the thrillseekers. So et’s go over the basics and then we'll delve into

feminist criticisms and myths about BDSM.

In the BDSM community, a “scene” refers to the setting where it takes place, and “play”

refers the acts that are involved. Now before you play: the first and foremost principle

of BDSM is safe, sane, and consensual.

SAFE. We don’t injure anybody. We know what the hell we’re doing, and educate ourselves

so that there's no unintentional harm. That includes protecting ourselves against STIs

and pregnancy.

SANE. We always stay in control, practicing good communication and judgement before, during,

and after a scene. We use our power responsibly and take seriously the trust that's put in us.

CONSENSUAL. BDSM requires the thorough discussion of boundaries and limits beforehand. You also

need a safe word that can clearly and effectively communicate to your partner during a scene

if you need them to take it easy or to stop. This is especially important if restraint

or fighting back is part of your scene...so things like "Red", "Yellow", "Banana", "Pumpernickel",

"Balls". No don't use balls, there's a chance that could come up. No act should ever be

pressured, consent should never be assumed, and it's always just as okay to say “no”

as it is to say “yes”. If at any point anyone is unsure, we stop and talk.

The “safe, sane, and consensual” principle is vital in BDSM because without it - it’s

not BDSM at all! It’s just abuse. I’m looking at you, 50 Shades of Grey. I already

did a whole video on why those books give me nightmares and not in a good way - you

can watch that here.

So you can get the conversation flowing by asking your partner if they’ve ever heard

of BDSM or what they think about it. You could use a Yes/No/Maybe chart to identify boundaries,

link down below, or you visit a sex shop and check out the kink section together. Links

also below. When it comes to play, there is an endless umbrella, but some types are more

common than others.

Bondage play involves confinement, being tied up, handcuffs, suspended.

Sensation play brings about new sensations. Pinching, nipple clamps, suction, hot wax,

ice cubes. What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold.

Impact play includes spanking, flogging, whipping.

Role play! Usually power is involved. Yknow: teacher and student, nurse and patient.

Kink as a whole can also include fetishes - foot fetishes, latex fetishes. Dirty talk!

Ayyy.

Now after all the sexy's gone down, you need to finish with after care. This is like after-sex

cuddling, but more integral to the experience because it can be kind of intense. Check in

with your partner - make sure they're feeling alright. Communicate and make sure they don't

need anything. A glass of water? A blanket? Cuddles? Another round? For scenes that are

especially intense, it’s a good idea to check in a few days later too to make sure

nothing else came up while they were processing it.

Back up a sec - what do you mean you like being hit?

Look yall, in a world where sexual violence is too common and where victims are told that

they “asked for it" - BDSM understandably raises red flags. Some schools of feminism

argue that power exchanges in the bedroom reflect the gender dynamics that are out in

the world. In Kathleen Barry’s book “Female Sexual Slavery” she writes that BDSM is

"a disguise for the act of sexually forcing a woman against her will”.

Now obviously that's true if someone is actually forced or pressured - and why it's so important

to prioritize consent to make sure that it’s a freely made choice. A scene may create the

illusion of force, but in reality, it’s all very controlled. It happens on your own

terms in the context of trust and safety - that’s the opposite of force. Interestingly, both

men AND women actually prefer the submissive role. Now that’s not to say that gender

roles NEVER influence our sexual choices or desires. Of course they do! I don't think

it's a coincidence that the extreme gender roles seen in Twilight and 50 Shades have

taken our culture by such a storm. It’s just that there’s more to the story. Part

of the appeal of BDSM is that it's taboo. And it's no secret that pain sometimes feels

good because of the endorphins it releases. Runner's high? Yall ever heard of that? Yeah

I don't buy that anyone actually likes running. Runners are little masochists out there, it's

all about the pain for pleasure!

I think we run into issues when we shame consenting adults for their sexuality. For ages people

have regarded kinksters as deeply broken sexual deviants who need fixing, the same as they

did for people who masturbated and people who are gay. Extensive studies have find that

kinksters are generally mentally healthy and actually tend to have healthier sexual communication

and relationships. Maybe has to do something with the emphasis on consent and communication?

Just throwing ideas out there, America.

Still, there are people who think it’s fucked up. To which I say: well okay but the thing

is: we’re all a little fucked up alright? In a lot more than 50 ways. We’re all a

little damaged, a little broken, a little problematic. So if this shit is not your cup

of tea, rock on. Different folks, different strokes. Just go ahead and pass those cuffs

to me, I promise I’ll put them to good use.

Thanks you for joining me babes, you now have permission to leave. I’ll see you next time!

OH by the way, season 2 of MTV Braless kicks off today and we are talking about consent

in 50 Shades. Link below, k bye.