We don't know if..we are having a boy or a g..but we assume it would be one or the other.

我們不知道他是男的還是女...不過我們假設應該是其中一個。

But you never know.

不過你永遠不會確定。

I have two older kids. My kids are in their forties now. One of them is older than I am.

我有兩個大一點的小孩。他們已經進入四開頭了。其中一個比我還老。

So it's been a long time since I took care of a baby. Forget almost everything,

所以我已經很長一段時間沒有照顧寶寶了。大概全部都忘了。

or at least I forgot almost everything.

或至少我大部分都忘了。

So to brush up and to get some advice on how to raise a child, I went right to the source.

所以為了要喚起記憶然後索取一些如何帶小孩的建議，我直接去找源頭。

I asked a child to help me figure some things out.

我去問了一個小孩來幫我解惑。

A six-year-old girl named Aila and well, we had a very enlightening conversation.

一個六歲，名叫 Aila的小女孩，嗯，我們有個非常有啓發的對話。

Aila, how old are you? Six.

Aila，你今年幾歲？六歲。

So you've been a kid for a while now.

所以你當小孩已經有一段時間了。

How long? I have no idea. OK.

多久？我不知道。好的。

But you were a baby once? Yeah.

不過你曾經是一個寶寶？對啊。

Everyone was a baby once.

所有人曾經都是個寶寶。

That's true. What I'm hoping for is that you can give me some information and teach me how to be a good dad.

說的也是。我希望說你可以給我一些資訊然後教我怎麼成為一個好爸爸。

Cause my wife is having a baby. Ok? Okay..

我老婆懷孕了。 好嗎？好...

And I was just wondering like what you think like what to you is a good dad.

我好奇你覺得怎樣算是一個好爸爸。

What does a good dad do?

一個好爸爸會怎麼做？

Well, I suggest you start changing the diaper.

嗯，我建議你從換尿布開始。

Myself?

我自己來？

Yeah!

對啊！

Yuck... I don't want to do that.

噁心...我才不想要做那個。

Well, you are not gonna really like eat the poop.

嗯...你又不會真的吃到大便。

Yeah I am.

會，我會。

No, you're not! Yes, I am. No, you're not.

不會，你不會！會，我會。不，你不會。

Well, what am I supposed to do with it? Throw it against the wall?

好，那我應該要拿尿布怎麼辦？把它丟到牆上？

You are supposed to wipe the butt!

你應該要擦屁股！

Ewwww.

噁........

I'm not gonna do that. Who's butt？

我才不要勒。誰的屁股？

The baby's butt with the wipes.

寶寶的屁股...用紙巾擦。

Oh no..no way, the baby doesn't want that.

喔..不...不，寶寶也不想那樣。

The baby should learn to wipe its own butt.

寶寶應該要學會自己擦屁股。

But they don't know how because they don't have a smart brain.

不過他們不知道要怎麼做啊，因為他們沒有一個聰明的腦。

They don't?

他們沒有？

Do babies come with brains? or do you have to have that put in?

寶寶生出來有頭腦嗎？還是要把腦裝進去？

They do come with brains. It's just like they don't know better and they're just like squirming around like...

他們生下來就有腦的。不過他們什麼都不懂，他們只會扭來扭去，像...

Are they dumb?

他們是笨蛋嗎？

Heheh no! They are not dumb!

呵呵呵不！他們不是笨蛋！

Well they can't even wipe themselves. That's doesn't sound very smart to me.

可是他們連自己擦屁股都不會。這聽起來不怎麼聰明。

So you're gonna have to do it yourself. That's what grown ups do.

所以需要你自己來做。那就是大人該做的。

Oh no. I don't want to do that.

喔不。我不想做。

So first, you'll gonna have to open the diaper. -Ahh.

所以你需要先打開尿布。啊。

And then you're gonna get a wipe then wipe the butt.

然後你要拿紙巾來擦他的屁股。

Hold on. Will you show me how to do that with the baby doll? Will you show me how to do it?

等等。你可以拿一個娃娃來做示範嗎？你可以示範給我看怎麼做嗎？

Ok, but just where's the baby doll?

好，不過娃娃在哪？

Here's the baby doll. Now is this...is this the right way to hold a baby?

在這裏。所以這是抱寶寶對的方式嗎？

Nope. Well how should I do it then?

不是。所以該怎麼做？

So you should do it like...like that. Okay.

你應該...這麼做。好。

If they are like one-year-old you can do it like this. Hold it by the butt and like that.

如果他們一歲了的話你可以這樣抱。像這樣抱住屁股。

That's good..ok..so here we go.

這...好...所以這樣。

No! No, not like...What? I'm holding by the butt.

不！不是...怎樣？我抱住他的屁股啦。

No. No no no no no no no...

不。不不不不不不不....

Flip it over and hold it by the butt like...Ohhh the other way. Ok ok.

把他轉過來然後這樣抱。喔，另一邊。好好。

Now this butt that I'm holding on by, this is where the poops come out so this I don't want to touch.

現在我抱的這邊就是便便出來的地方所以我不想碰。

You're not gonna touch the butt. You're just gonna touch it with the wipe.

你不會碰到屁股。你只需要用紙巾碰。

So like your hands are gonna be clean but you are gonna have to wash them.

所以你的手會是乾淨的不過你還是需要洗手。

Okay. So here we put the baby right here?

好。所以我們把寶寶放在這嗎？

Yeah and then some..good, she's a diaper on. (Jimmy: the baby has the diaper on.)

對然後...很好，她有穿尿布。（Jimmy：寶寶穿著尿布。）

So like...you're gonna pull this side then open it up. Right.

所以你要先把這邊拉開再打開它。是喔。

Eww, she has poop.

噁，有大便。

What? It's chocolate! It is?!

什麼？那是巧克力！是嗎？

Yep, but we're just pretending...hold on, I don't know if that's chocolate.

好，我們假裝它是...等一下，我不太確定是不是巧克力

You're eating the poop.

你正在吃大便。

I'm still not sure if it's chocolate or not.

我還是不太確定這是不是巧克力。

Ok just...you're eating the poop.

好，不過...你在吃便便。

So I should not do that to the real baby.

所以我不該對真的寶寶這麼做。

No! Because it's real poop.

不！因為那是真的大便。

And you wouldn't want to eat poop and get all sick.

你不會想要吃便便然後生病。

You're right. Okay. Now, now what do I do?

對。你說的沒錯。好，那現在我該怎麼做？

So you're gonna get a wipe (Jimmy: right.) and then wipe it like that.

然後你拿一個紙巾（Jimmy: 好。）然後這樣擦。

And then you're gonna lift the baby up. Ok, then you gonna wipe this part. With your hand?

然後你再把寶寶抱起來。好，然後擦這個地方。用你的手？

No! With the wipe.

不！用紙巾。

Well, I don't see you using a wipe. I see you using your hand.

你都不用紙巾。我看你都用手。

Well, there's no wipes here.

因為現在這裏沒有紙巾。

Oh, so what do I do if there's..oh look it out, wipes just came in.

喔所以如果有的話...喔，看！紙巾來了。

Thanks dad!

謝啦，爸！

Yeah, thanks dad.

耶，謝謝爸爸。

So you wipe the butt. Oh! I have a good idea. What if there's extra poop?

然後你擦屁股。喔！我有個好主意。如果有多餘的大便怎麼辦？

You should put it in the baby's hat, right? No no no! What?

我們應該把它放進寶寶的帽子裡對吧？不不不！怎麼了？

You should put it...it's...so...give me that...(Jimmy: Sorry, here you go.)

你應該把它放在...這...所以...那個給我...（Jimmy：抱歉..這給你。）

Put it in here. Okay.

放在這。 好。

And then we're gonna roll it up and throw it in the trash but where's the trash?

然後我們要把它捲起來然後丟到垃圾桶里，不過垃圾桶在哪？

Oh here, I'll take it.

喔，來我來拿。

Umm let's see. Oh! I know we will throw it at the wall.

嗯我們來看看。喔！我知道了。我們把它丟到牆上。

No! The trash! The trash. Remember I told you earlier? The trash!

不！垃圾桶！垃圾桶。記得我之前跟你說的嗎？垃圾桶！

But then the trash guy's gotta come and pick it up, and then he doesn't want this.

不過收垃圾的人會來收，他們不想收到有便便的尿布。

No!

不！

It's such a hard thing to figure out.

這真是個很難解決的問題。

Ma ma mia...

我的天啊....

Here's this how it is gonna go.

這是接下來會發生的事。

I'm gonna tell my wife Aila taught me how to change the baby when it has a poopy diaper.

我會告訴我的老婆說Aila教我怎麼換寶寶的髒尿布。

And what you do is you take a diaper off the baby, you get some wipes, you eat the poop,

然後你要做的就是先把尿布拿掉，拿一些紙巾，把大便吃掉，

you then wipe the baby's butt, and then you throw it at the garbage man as he drives you by.

然後擦寶寶的屁股，再來把尿布朝來收垃圾的清潔工丟去。

Yes? No. Yes. No...

對吧？哪是。是，不是...

I think that's what we do.

我覺得這就是我們要做的。

N-O. No!

不、是。 不！

I'm gonna be a very bad parent.

我會成為一個非常爛的家長。

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

So will you. -Hehehe.

你也是。呵呵呵。