There were women on bikes

Buggies

Tank

Oh, and a neon giant plane

Whilst some were paraded through the air like some sort of futuristic dystopian female cult

Which...I quite want to join

Robot Restaurant opened in mid-2012 in Shinjuku, Tokyo

after someone spent 125 million dollars

building the venue, constructing the robots

and hiring the female population of a small city

to come perform everyday, 3 times!

After reading about how unusual this place was, and being something of a robotic fanatic myself

a friend and I decided to check it out on our recent trip to Tokyo

and....well...it was pretty interesting

The thing kicked off fairly normally, well to some degree, with the female cult as I said, parading around their tattooed leader

Shouting loudly and advocating...Soy Milk?

Or...just Soya in general..something to do with Soya

And after a change of clothes we had a fairly normal performance which my friend particularly enjoyed

Alright, so did I

And then it all started to turn rather weird

A giant robot called King Robota

was wheeled out to the Dance Floor

Brought to life by the son of Father Christmas

Before it started stumbling around and shouting inaudible words

we were disappointed or in my case relieved to know

to that there is actually someone in the robot

There is someone in the 8 foot costume

Although half the costume is technically a robot, with the hands and face that do their own thing

I'm genuinely scared, what is that??

It was a rather terrifying insight into a future of giant dancing robots singing

to remixes of We Will Rock You and of course dancing to Gangnam Style

I wasn't the only one uncomfortable being in the presence of this giant robot

There were quite a lot of other "robots" dancing in Power Rangers-style costumes

As well as members of the Albert Einstein fan club

and they all seemed hesitant to share the dance floor

with the eight-foot tall

half man, half robot, half fucking nightmare

robot swinging arms thing

Or perhaps they were afraid of the crazy man sitting on our left

who was on a high dosage of fizzy soft drinks and women

and he must have been the only person in that room to have succeeded in touching every women

In massive contrast to the overly excited guy on our left

on our right we had Tokyo's most thoroughly unenthusiastic man

I couldn't for the life of me establish whether he was genuinely unimpressed

or just overwhelmingly sexually frustrated

Things then died down

Except they didn't

Because then a fleet of women on giant animatronic robots

made their way into the room

and started to surround us

before poking the giant robot thing

in the face which she didn't seem to like very much because she starting doing this

My friend even got to sit on one

pull a stupid pose on it

before driving it backwards and forwards across the room with a cheeky smile

And it was at that moment that things started to die down

Except they didn't

Because just then, a motorbike burst into the room

The room turned into a giant merry-go-round

with women hanging from the ceiling

Then what happened...? Oh yeah!

There was a woman riding around on an ostrich

A woman being assaulted, cuddled, fondled

by a giant rabbit

And then... some sort of buggy with half a dozen women just burst into the room

And my friend got overwhelmed by it all

But then things got really mental

because right then in a scene reminiscent from the world's greatest weapon demonstration

A giant plane flew into the room

and...and a neon Tank drenched with women drove through the room

crashing into the plane twice

I almost spilled my sanity all over the floor

What the fucking hell is going on??

It's during this part of the performance

that you'll start to wonder why tanks aren't build in neon and covered in bikini wearing women

No self-respected enemy soldier would open fire on them

They'd be too busy filming it let's face it

It was then that the plane and the tank turned around, disappearing off stage

with a wave and the cries of goodbyes

the performance ended

and we emerged from the place wondering what the hell had just happened

Even though...whatever I saw...was bloody brilliant

They say the best things in life are free

They're not, they cost 4000 yens and they come with a bento box dinner

Not that you'll be thinking about the food

And after all you'll probably have to only do it once

although let it be said there are definitely some who make it a weekly pilgrimage

The show may not have had all the robots I'd hope for

But one things for sure

you'll certainly have a hard time finding

a cabaret performance as interesting, dramatic, ridiculous as the one at Robot Restaurant