I've spent hundreds of days

我曾有數百天

in psychiatric hospitals.

待在精神病院裡，

I might have ended up spending

我即可能大半輩子

most of my life on the back ward of a hospital,

會待在醫院的後病房裡，

but that isn't how my life turned out.

但我的生活並沒有變成那樣。

In fact, I've managed to stay clear of hospitals

事實上，我成功地避開醫院

for almost three decades,

已將近三十年了，

perhaps my proudest accomplishment.

這也許是我最自豪的成就。

That's not to say that I've remained clear

這並不是說我已全然擺脫

of all psychiatric struggles.

所有與精神病的困鬥。

After I graduated from the Yale Law School and

我從耶魯法學院畢業後

got my first law job, my New Haven analyst, Dr. White,

得到我的第一份法律工作， 我的紐哈芬分析師懷特博士

announced to me that he was going to close his practice

告訴我他即將在三個月之內，

in three months, several years

關閉他的事務所，

before I had planned to leave New Haven.

這離我計畫離開紐哈芬早了幾年。

White had been enormously helpful to me,

懷特博士給我莫大的幫助，

and the thought of his leaving

想到他的離去，

shattered me.

粉碎了我。

My best friend Steve,

我最好的朋友史提夫

sensing that something was terribly wrong,

察覺某事極不對勁，

flew out to New Haven to be with me.

飛來紐哈芬陪我。

Now I'm going to quote from some of my writings:

現在我要引用一些我寫的東西：

"I opened the door to my studio apartment.

「我打開我公寓套房的門，

Steve would later tell me that,

史提夫後來告訴我，

for all the times he had seen me psychotic, nothing

在他所看過我發病的時候，

could have prepared him for what he saw that day.

沒有一次能預備他那天所見的狀況。

For a week or more, I had barely eaten.

約莫一個禮拜或更久，我幾乎沒有進食。

I was gaunt. I walked

我枯瘦憔悴，走路時

as though my legs were wooden.

雙腿像木頭一樣，

My face looked and felt like a mask.

我的臉看起來、 感覺起來都像一張面具。

I had closed all the curtains in the apartment, so

我拉上公寓所有的窗簾，

in the middle of the day

所以日正當中時

the apartment was in near total darkness.

公寓裡幾乎是全然的黑暗。

The air was fetid, the room a shambles.

空氣惡臭，房間一團亂。

Steve, both a lawyer and a psychologist, has treated

史提夫是律師也是心理學家，

many patients with severe mental illness, and to this day

曾治療許多患有精神重症的病患，

he'll say I was as bad as any he had ever seen.

至今，他還是會說我是他看過最嚴重的。

'Hi,' I said, and then I returned to the couch,

『嗨！』我說，然後回到長沙發上，

where I sat in silence for several moments.

我坐在那裡不發一語好一陣子。

'Thank you for coming, Steve.

『 謝謝你來，史提夫。

Crumbling world, word, voice.

崩解的世界、文字、聲音。

Tell the clocks to stop.

叫時鐘停頓。

Time is. Time has come.'

時間是。時候到了。』

'White is leaving,' Steve said somberly.

『 懷特要離開了 』，史提夫悶悶地說。

'I'm being pushed into a grave. The situation is grave,' I moan.

我悲嘆： 『 我正被推進墳墓，這情況就如墳墓。』

'Gravity is pulling me down.

『 重力把我拉下去，

I'm scared. Tell them to get away.'"

我害怕，叫他們走開。』」

As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital

年輕時，我曾因三個不同情況

on three different occasions for lengthy periods.

在精神病院待了頗長的時間。

My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia,

我的醫師診斷我患有慢性思覺失調症，

and gave me a prognosis of "grave."

且預後嚴重。

That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care,

也就是說： 我頂多是預計住在護理機構

and work at menial jobs.

做一些卑微的工作。

Fortunately, I did not actually

幸運地，我實際上

enact that grave prognosis.

並沒有讓嚴重的病情發生。

Instead, I'm a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology

取而代之的，我是法學、心理學

and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law,

與精神病學首席教授，任職於南加大古爾德法學院。

I have many close friends

我有很多親近的好朋友，

and I have a beloved husband, Will, who's here with us today.

還有心愛的先生威爾， 他今天也在現場。

(Applause) Thank you.

（掌聲）謝謝。

He's definitely the star of my show.

他絕對是我生命中的要角。

I'd like to share with you how that happened, and also

我想跟你們分享那歷程，

describe my experience of being psychotic.

並且描述我患病的經歷。

I hasten to add that it's my experience,

我先說，那是我個人的經歷，

because everyone becomes psychotic in his or her own way.

因為每個人轉變成病患的狀況不同。

Let's start with the definition of schizophrenia.

讓我們從思覺失調症的定義開始。

Schizophrenia is a brain disease.

思覺失調症是一種腦部疾病

Its defining feature is psychosis, or being

其決定性特徵是精神失常，

out of touch with reality.

或與現實脫節。

Delusions and hallucinations

妄想和幻覺，

are hallmarks of the illness.

都是這疾病的特徵。

Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive

妄想是牢固且不真實的信念，與證據不符，

to evidence, and hallucinations are false sensory experiences.

而幻覺則是不真實的感知經驗。

For example, when I'm psychotic I often have

舉例來說，當發病時

the delusion that I've killed hundreds of thousands

我常妄想，我以意念

of people with my thoughts.

已殺了數十萬人。

I sometimes have the idea that

有時候我認為

nuclear explosions are about to be set off in my brain.

核爆即將在我腦袋中引發。

Occasionally, I have hallucinations,

偶爾，我有幻覺，

like one time I turned around and saw a man

例如有次我回頭看到一個男人

with a raised knife.

高舉著刀。

Imagine having a nightmare while you're awake.

想像在你醒著時做惡夢，

Often, speech and thinking become disorganized

通常，說話與思維變得雜亂無章

to the point of incoherence.

到了語無倫次的程度。

Loose associations involves putting together words

不確切的聯想包含

that may sound a lot alike but don't make sense,

將聽起來很像的詞語組合起來，但並無意義。

and if the words get jumbled up enough, it's called "word salad."

如果字詞夠紊亂，那稱為「語詞沙拉」。

Contrary to what many people think, schizophrenia is not

思覺失調症並非許多人想的

the same as multiple personality disorder or split personality.

多重人格或人格分裂，

The schizophrenic mind is not split, but shattered.

病患的心智不是分裂的， 而是粉碎的。

Everyone has seen a street person,

大家都見過街頭遊民，

unkempt, probably ill-fed,

蓬頭垢面，可能營養不良，

standing outside of an office building muttering

站在辦公大樓外

to himself or shouting.

自言自語或大吼大叫，

This person is likely to have some form of schizophrenia.

那人可能患有某種思覺失調症。

But schizophrenia presents itself across a wide array

但思覺失調症患者

of socioeconomic status, and there are people

存在各個社會經濟階層，

with the illness who are full-time professionals

有些病患是全職、

with major responsibilities.

擔負重要職責的專業人士。

Several years ago, I decided

數年前，我決定

to write down my experiences and my personal journey,

記錄下我的經驗和個人歷程，

and I want to share some more of that story with you today

我今天想跟大家多分享一些故事

to convey the inside view.

來傳遞病情的內觀。

So the following episode happened the seventh week

接下來這段發生在耶魯法學院，

of my first semester of my first year at Yale Law School.

我第一年、第一學期的第七週。

Quoting from my writings:

引用我的札記：

"My two classmates, Rebel and Val, and I had made the date

「我和兩位同學──瑞貝爾和薇爾相約，

to meet in the law school library on Friday night

週五晚上到法學院圖書館碰面

to work on our memo assignment together.

一起做我們的法律備忘錄作業，

But we didn't get far before I was talking in ways

但我們有任何進展前，

that made no sense.

我開始語無倫次。

'Memos are visitations,' I informed them.

我告訴他們：『備忘錄就是訪視，

'They make certain points. The point is on your head.

他們建立某些論點，重點在你的腦袋，

Pat used to say that. Have you killed you anyone?'

派特曾說過，你殺過人嗎？』

Rebel and Val looked at me

瑞貝爾和薇爾盯著我

as if they or I had been

就像他們或我

splashed in the face with cold water.

臉上被潑了冷水，

'What are you talking about, Elyn?'

『艾琳，妳在說什麼？』

'Oh, you know, the usual. Who's what, what's who,

『噢，你知道，如常， 誰是什麼，什麼是誰，

heaven and hell. Let's go out on the roof.

天堂、地獄。去屋頂吧，

It's a flat surface. It's safe.'

那表面是平的、安全的。』

Rebel and Val followed

瑞貝爾和薇爾跟著我

and they asked what had gotten into me.

他們問我怎麼了，

'This is the real me,' I announced,

我說：『這是真正的我』，

waving my arms above my head.

我舉手過頭揮舞著。

And then, late on a Friday night, on the roof

然後在週五的深夜，

of the Yale Law School,

耶魯法學院的屋頂上，

I began to sing, and not quietly either.

我開始大聲地唱歌，

'Come to the Florida sunshine bush.

『來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢，

Do you want to dance?'

你要跳舞嗎？』

'Are you on drugs?' one asked. 'Are you high?'

有人問： 『妳嗑藥了嗎？在嗨嗎？』

'High? Me? No way, no drugs.

『嗨？我？ 不可能，沒嗑藥，

Come to the Florida sunshine bush,

來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢，

where there are lemons, where they make demons.'

那裡有檸檬， 他們在那裡製造魔鬼。』

'You're frightening me,' one of them said, and Rebel and Val

其中一人說：『妳嚇到我了』，

headed back into the library.

瑞貝爾和薇爾往圖書館去，

I shrugged and followed them.

我聳聳肩，跟著他們。

Back inside, I asked my classmates if they were

回到圖書館內，我問同學

having the same experience of words jumping around

是否也見案件字跳來跳去，

our cases as I was.

就像我一樣。

'I think someone's infiltrated my copies of the cases,' I said.

『我認為有人潛入了我這份案件，

'We've got to case the joint.

我們得把那關節裝箱，

I don't believe in joints, but

我不相信關節，

they do hold your body together.'" --

但他們確把身體連接起來。』

It's an example of loose associations. --

這是一個散漫聯想的實例。

"Eventually I made my way back to my dorm room,

「我終於回到宿舍房間，

and once there, I couldn't settle down.

但我無法安穩下來，

My head was too full of noise,

我的腦袋充滿了噪音，

too full of orange trees and law memos I could not write

充滿了柳橙樹和 寫不出的法律備忘錄，

and mass murders I knew I would be responsible for.

還有因我而有的大屠殺。

Sitting on my bed, I rocked back and forth,

我坐在床上前後搖著，

moaning in fear and isolation."

在恐懼和孤立裡呻吟。」

This episode led to my first hospitalization in America.

這導致我第一次在美國住院治療，

I had two earlier in England.

之前在英國有兩次。

Continuing with the writings:

繼續我的札記：

"The next morning I went to my professor's office to ask

「隔日早上我到教授辦公室

for an extension on the memo assignment,

要求延繳備忘錄作業，

and I began gibbering unintelligably

我開始語無倫次

as I had the night before,

就像前晚一樣，

and he eventually brought me to the emergency room.

最後他送我到急診室，

Once there, someone I'll just call 'The Doctor'

到了那，有個人， 就稱他『那個醫生』

and his whole team of goons swooped down,

與他整隊暴徒猛撲過來，

lifted me high into the air,

把我高舉在空中，

and slammed me down on a metal bed

重摔到金屬床上，

with such force that I saw stars.

力量之大到讓我眼冒金星。

Then they strapped my legs and arms to the metal bed

然後用厚厚的皮帶，

with thick leather straps.

把我手腳綁在床上。

A sound came out of my mouth that I'd never heard before:

嘴裡冒出我從未聽過的聲音，

half groan, half scream,

半呻吟、半尖叫、

barely human and pure terror.

幾乎沒人性、純粹的驚駭。

Then the sound came again,

然後那聲音又來了，

forced from somewhere deep inside my belly

從我腹腔深處強力湧上

and scraping my throat raw."

刮得我喉嚨都破了。」

This incident resulted in my involuntary hospitalization.

這導致我非自願的住院治療，

One of the reasons the doctors gave for hospitalizing me

醫生的理由之一

against my will was that I was

違我意住院，

"gravely disabled."

是因為我是「嚴重殘疾」。

To support this view, they wrote in my chart that I was unable

為了支持這說法，我病歷上寫著

to do my Yale Law School homework.

無法完成耶魯法學院作業。

I wondered what that meant about much of the rest of New Haven.

我不知這對大數紐哈芬人意味著什麼。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

During the next year, I would

後來的一年間，

spend five months in a psychiatric hospital.

我在精神病院待了五個月。

At times, I spent up to 20 hours in mechanical restraints,

有時，被機械束縛多達 20 小時，

arms tied, arms and legs tied down,

手臂被綁著、 手和腿都被束縛，

arms and legs tied down with a net tied

被網子綁著手腳

tightly across my chest.

在我胸前緊緊地交錯。

I never struck anyone.

我從未攻擊任何人，

I never harmed anyone. I never made any direct threats.

從未傷害任何人，從未直接威脅人，

If you've never been restrained yourself, you may have

若你未曾被綑綁過，

a benign image of the experience.

你對這經歷的想像 可能是良性的，

There's nothing benign about it.

這一點都不良性。

Every week in the United States,

在美國，

it's been estimated that one to three people die in restraints.

每週預期有 1-3 人死於束縛，

They strangle, they aspirate their vomit,

他們被勒著， 他們吐出嘔吐物，

they suffocate, they have a heart attack.

他們窒息， 他們心臟病發。

It's unclear whether using mechanical restraints

不明確的是，使用機械縛具

is actually saving lives or costing lives.

實際上是救命還是害命。

While I was preparing to write my student note

當我正準備為耶魯法律期刊

for the Yale Law Journal on mechanical restraints,

撰寫有關機械縛具學生筆記，

I consulted an eminent law professor who was also

我詢問了一位著名法學教授，

a psychiatrist,

他也是一位精神科醫師，

and said surely he would agree

他說，他當然同意

that restraints must be degrading,

束縛一定是有辱人格、

painful and frightening.

痛苦且恐懼的。

He looked at me in a knowing way, and said,

他以理解的方式看著我說：

"Elyn, you don't really understand:

「艾琳，妳並不真的了解

These people are psychotic.

這些人精神失常，

They're different from me and you.

他們和你我不同，

They wouldn't experience restraints as we would."

他們對束縛的感受不同與我們。」

I didn't have the courage to tell him in that moment that,

當時我沒有勇氣告訴他，

no, we're not that different from him.

不，我們和他沒什麼不同，

We don't like to be strapped down to a bed

我們不比他喜歡被綁在床上

and left to suffer for hours any more than he would.

痛苦好幾個小時。

In fact, until very recently,

事實上，直到最近，

and I'm sure some people still hold it as a view,

我確信仍有些人抱持這看法，

that restraints help psychiatric patients feel safe.

束縛可讓精神病患感到安全。

I've never met a psychiatric patient

我從未遇過哪個精神病患

who agreed with that view.

會同意這個看法。

Today, I'd like to say I'm very pro-psychiatry

今天，我很贊成精神病治療

but very anti-force.

但我很反暴力。

I don't think force is effective as treatment, and I think

我不認為暴力是有效的療法，

using force is a terrible thing to do to another person

我認為對有可怕疾病的人

with a terrible illness.

施暴很糟糕。

Eventually, I came to Los Angeles

後來，我來到洛杉磯

to teach at the University of Southern California Law School.

南加大法學院教學。

For years, I had resisted medication,

我抗拒服藥數年，

making many, many efforts to get off.

花了許多許多的努力做到，

I felt that if I could manage without medication,

我覺得如果我可不吃藥來控制，

I could prove that, after all,

我最終可以證明

I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.

我不是真有精神病， 那是個可怕的錯誤。

My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.

我的座右銘是少吃藥就少缺陷。

My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me

我洛杉磯的分析師卡普蘭博士

just to stay on medication and get on with my life,

力勸我持續服藥、享受生活，

but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.

但我決定再試最後一次戒藥。

Quoting from the text:

從文中引用：

"I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time

「我開始減少用藥，在短時間內

I began feeling the effects.

我開始感受到效果，

After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into

牛津之行後， 我走進卡普蘭的辦公室，

Kaplan's office, headed straight for the corner, crouched down,

直接走到角落蜷伏下來，

covered my face, and began shaking.

掩面且開始顫抖，

All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.

感覺惡靈拿著匕首，圍繞著我，