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Chapter XI. Who Stole the Tarts?
The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on
their throne when they arrived, with a
great crowd assembled about them--all sorts
of little birds and beasts, as well as the
whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing
before them, in chains, with a soldier on
each side to guard him; and near the King
was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one
hand, and a scroll of parchment in the
other.
In the very middle of the court was a
table, with a large dish of tarts upon it:
they looked so good, that it made Alice
quite hungry to look at them--'I wish
they'd get the trial done,' she thought,
'and hand round the refreshments!'
But there seemed to be no chance of this,
so she began looking at everything about
her, to pass away the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice
before, but she had read about them in
books, and she was quite pleased to find
that she knew the name of nearly everything
there.
'That's the judge,' she said to herself,
'because of his great wig.'
The judge, by the way, was the King; and as
he wore his crown over the wig, (look at
the frontispiece if you want to see how he
did it,) he did not look at all
comfortable, and it was certainly not
becoming.
'And that's the jury-box,' thought Alice,
'and those twelve creatures,' (she was
obliged to say 'creatures,' you see,
because some of them were animals, and some
were birds,) 'I suppose they are the
jurors.'
She said this last word two or three times
over to herself, being rather proud of it:
for she thought, and rightly too, that very
few little girls of her age knew the
meaning of it at all.
However, 'jury-men' would have done just as
well.
The twelve jurors were all writing very
busily on slates.
'What are they doing?'
Alice whispered to the Gryphon.
'They can't have anything to put down yet,
before the trial's begun.'
'They're putting down their names,' the
Gryphon whispered in reply, 'for fear they
should forget them before the end of the
trial.'
'Stupid things!'
Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but
she stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit
cried out, 'Silence in the court!' and the
King put on his spectacles and looked
anxiously round, to make out who was
talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were
looking over their shoulders, that all the
jurors were writing down 'stupid things!'
on their slates, and she could even make
out that one of them didn't know how to
spell 'stupid,' and that he had to ask his
neighbour to tell him.
'A nice muddle their slates'll be in before
the trial's over!' thought Alice.
One of the jurors had a pencil that
squeaked.
This of course, Alice could not stand, and
she went round the court and got behind
him, and very soon found an opportunity of
taking it away.
She did it so quickly that the poor little
juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not
make out at all what had become of it; so,
after hunting all about for it, he was
obliged to write with one finger for the
rest of the day; and this was of very
little use, as it left no mark on the
slate.
'Herald, read the accusation!' said the
King.
On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts
on the trumpet, and then unrolled the
parchment scroll, and read as follows:--
| 'The Queen of Hearts, | she made
some tarts, | All on a summer day:
| The Knave of Hearts, | he stole
those tarts, | And took them quite away!'
'Consider your verdict,' the King said to
the jury.
'Not yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily
interrupted.
'There's a great deal to come before that!'
'Call the first witness,' said the King;
and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on
the trumpet, and called out, 'First
witness!'
The first witness was the Hatter.
He came in with a teacup in one hand and a
piece of bread-and-butter in the other.
'I beg pardon, your Majesty,' he began,
'for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite
finished my tea when I was sent for.'
'You ought to have finished,' said the
King.
'When did you begin?'
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who
had followed him into the court, arm-in-arm
with the Dormouse.
'Fourteenth of March, I think it was,' he
said.
'Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.
'Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.
'Write that down,' the King said to the
jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all
three dates on their slates, and then added
them up, and reduced the answer to
shillings and pence.
'Take off your hat,' the King said to the
Hatter.
'It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.
'Stolen!' the King exclaimed, turning to
the jury, who instantly made a memorandum
of the fact.
'I keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as
an explanation; 'I've none of my own.
I'm a hatter.'
Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and
began staring at the Hatter, who turned
pale and fidgeted.
'Give your evidence,' said the King; 'and
don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed
on the spot.'
This did not seem to encourage the witness
at all: he kept shifting from one foot to
the other, looking uneasily at the Queen,
and in his confusion he bit a large piece
out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-
butter.
Just at this moment Alice felt a very
curious sensation, which puzzled her a good
deal until she made out what it was: she
was beginning to grow larger again, and she
thought at first she would get up and leave
the court; but on second thoughts she
decided to remain where she was as long as
there was room for her.
'I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the
Dormouse, who was sitting next to her.
'I can hardly breathe.'
'I can't help it,' said Alice very meekly:
'I'm growing.'
'You've no right to grow here,' said the
Dormouse.
'Don't talk nonsense,' said Alice more
boldly: 'you know you're growing too.'
'Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,'
said the Dormouse: 'not in that ridiculous
fashion.'
And he got up very sulkily and crossed over
to the other side of the court.
All this time the Queen had never left off
staring at the Hatter, and, just as the
Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one
of the officers of the court, 'Bring me the
list of the singers in the last concert!'
on which the wretched Hatter trembled so,
that he shook both his shoes off.
'Give your evidence,' the King repeated
angrily, 'or I'll have you executed,
whether you're nervous or not.'
'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter
began, in a trembling voice, '--and I
hadn't begun my tea--not above a week or
so--and what with the bread-and-butter
getting so thin--and the twinkling of the
tea--'
'The twinkling of the what?' said the King.
'It began with the tea,' the Hatter
replied.
'Of course twinkling begins with a T!' said
the King sharply.
'Do you take me for a dunce?
Go on!'
'I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, 'and
most things twinkled after that--only the
March Hare said--'
'I didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a
great hurry.
'You did!' said the Hatter.
'I deny it!' said the March Hare.
'He denies it,' said the King: 'leave out
that part.'
'Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said--'
the Hatter went on, looking anxiously round
to see if he would deny it too: but the
Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.
'After that,' continued the Hatter, 'I cut
some more bread-and-butter--'
'But what did the Dormouse say?' one of the
jury asked.
'That I can't remember,' said the Hatter.
'You MUST remember,' remarked the King, 'or
I'll have you executed.'
The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and
bread-and-butter, and went down on one
knee.
'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.
'You're a very poor speaker,' said the
King.
Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and
was immediately suppressed by the officers
of the court.
(As that is rather a hard word, I will just
explain to you how it was done.
They had a large canvas bag, which tied up
at the mouth with strings: into this they
slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and
then sat upon it.)
'I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought
Alice.
'I've so often read in the newspapers, at
the end of trials, "There was some attempts
at applause, which was immediately
suppressed by the officers of the court,"
and I never understood what it meant till
now.'
'If that's all you know about it, you may
stand down,' continued the King.
'I can't go no lower,' said the Hatter:
'I'm on the floor, as it is.'
'Then you may SIT down,' the King replied.
Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was
suppressed.
'Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!'
thought Alice.
'Now we shall get on better.'
'I'd rather finish my tea,' said the
Hatter, with an anxious look at the Queen,
who was reading the list of singers.
'You may go,' said the King, and the Hatter
hurriedly left the court, without even
waiting to put his shoes on.
'--and just take his head off outside,' the
Queen added to one of the officers: but the
Hatter was out of sight before the officer
could get to the door.
'Call the next witness!' said the King.
The next witness was the Duchess's cook.
She carried the pepper-box in her hand, and
Alice guessed who it was, even before she
got into the court, by the way the people
near the door began sneezing all at once.
'Give your evidence,' said the King.
'Shan't,' said the cook.
The King looked anxiously at the White
Rabbit, who said in a low voice, 'Your
Majesty must cross-examine THIS witness.'
'Well, if I must, I must,' the King said,
with a melancholy air, and, after folding
his arms and frowning at the cook till his
eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a
deep voice, 'What are tarts made of?'
'Pepper, mostly,' said the cook.
'Treacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.
'Collar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked
out.
'Behead that Dormouse!
Turn that Dormouse out of court!
Suppress him!
Pinch him!
Off with his whiskers!'
For some minutes the whole court was in
confusion, getting the Dormouse turned out,
and, by the time they had settled down
again, the cook had disappeared.
'Never mind!' said the King, with an air of
great relief.
'Call the next witness.'
And he added in an undertone to the Queen,
'Really, my dear, YOU must cross-examine
the next witness.
It quite makes my forehead ache!'
Alice watched the White Rabbit as he
fumbled over the list, feeling very curious
to see what the next witness would be like,
'--for they haven't got much evidence YET,'
she said to herself.
Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit
read out, at the top of his shrill little
voice, the name 'Alice!'