See how they look at you?

Give me a kiss instantly or I shall take grave offence!

I am no-one, what could the interest be?

You are no-one while everybody is someone.

Louis XIV demands a heaven on Earth, but just who is going to provide it?

Hey presto! Up sprouts landscaper Matthias Schoenaerts and his headstrong assistant

Kate Winslet. She's stardust, she's golden and she's got to get herself back to the garden.

You're inviting new ideas into the gardens? Why?

Welcome to Versailles.

Patience, and a little warmth from the Sun are our best hope.

Henry, you confounded me with Child 44 so I'm now guessing that this one was right up your herbaceous border.

I quite like... no, it's poppycock. There's so much in this film about the vision of Louis XIV and "will

it come in on time, this project? Will there be enough money? Will there be enough time

for everything?" and I kind of think "Alan Rickman, take a look at yourself mate". This

is talking about the film in so many different ways. It just feels silly and histrionic and

campy without being particularly funny, and cheap in a strange way. There's this amazing

shot of Versailles at the end which is done with computer generated imaging. It's CGI

Versailles which really just looks flat and dull and cheap and particularly what that

garden wasn't. Also, paradoxically, very tidy and well ordered for a film called A Little

Bit of Chaos. Exactly, what chaos? There's no chaos. Short of calling it, I don't know,

Cop Warriors from Mars I can't think of a more misleading title. I think the idea is

that Kate Winslet's character, she's supposed to the free-spirit and he's supposed to be...

that is to say Matthias Schoenaerts, another terrible role for him, I'm sorry to say. Yeah,

he looks like a kind of droopy cocker spaniel. He just looks terrible, especially when he

has to sing like an eight year old in that kind of high-pitched voice, I didn't

know where to look, certainly not at the screen. She's supposed to be providing this wonderful

free-thinking, life-affirming chaos. No she doesn't! She's just as stilted and orderly

and ideologically reactionary as everybody else! It's just ridiculous. I found myself

thinking about Sense and Sensibility, almost 20 years old now, she had so much life and

vivacity and interest and humour and fun. Crucially, she was very well directed by Ang

Lee and it makes you appreciate what a shrewd and interesting man he is. This seemed to

be absolutely dead weight. When Alan Rickman came on in cameo, there was a little touch

of humour, I thought. It almost, but, I'm sorry to say, not quite, brought the film

to life. If only it was somehow about him, and his eccentricities. Stanley Tucci came

on and he got a few laughs. He's quite funny and sent the whole thing up a little bit,

but then you're just plunged right back into this bafflingly dull, boring, boring world.

I just couldn't see what was supposed to be so interesting about it. And that thing where

she moves his potted plant at the beginning... When a film just pivots on the drama of the

moving of a potted plant, you've got a problem. You moved one of my pots. I did. I mean, who

is the audience for this film? Who is the audience? I guess it's someone who likes a

period drama or perhaps someone who's into Julian Fellows-esque stuff but badly written

rather than well done. We're kind of three for three on actors having a director's vision

that just seems massively ego clouded. We were talking about Goswell, we were talking

about The Water Diviner the week before that, and now this. I sort of disagree about Alan

Rickman coming on and bringing it to life, I feel like he'd almost deliberately kept

the ground barren until he could then plant his little ego seed and let the Louis XIV

character flourish halfway through and suddenly, thank God, we got something to enjoy and something

that is going to be a bit more baroque and interesting. Without that, it just feels bare.

If you wish to be alone, I could come back. No no no. I find that you're the very company

I need today. Nothing would suit me better than for me, the King's gardener, to take

some advice on perennials.