I have been trying to weasel my way out of being on this stage for weeks.

我已經逃避這個演講好幾個星期了

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I am terrified.

我十分的害怕

But about a month ago, I was up early, panicking about this,

但大約在一個月以前，我起得很早，並且為這件事情感到恐慌

and I watched an old TED Talk that Brené Brown did on vulnerability.

然後我看了一集由Brené Brown所做的關於弱點的TED演講

Dr. Brown is one of my heroes.

Dr.Brown是我心目中的英雄之一

She is a shame researcher,

她是一名羞恥感研究者

and I am a recovering bulimic, alcoholic, and drug user.

而我是一個暴食傾向復原者、戒酒的人和戒毒的人

So I'm sort of a shame researcher, too.

所以，某種程度上，我也是個羞恥感研究者

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It's just that most of my work is done out in the field.

只是我大部份的工作都是實地勘查

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And Dr. Brown defined courage like this.

而Dr.Brown是這麼定義勇氣的

She said, "Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

她說：勇氣是全心全意地訴說自己的故事

That got me thinking

這讓我想到

about another one of my heroes, Georgia O'Keeffe,

我心目中的另一個英雄，Georgia O'Keeffe

and how she said, "Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant.

以及她說過：無論你成功與否都是不重要的

There is no such thing.

天底下沒有這種事情

Making the unknown known is what is important."

將未知的變成已知的才是重要的事情

So, here I am to tell you the story of who I am with my whole heart,

所以，我在這裡全心全意的告訴你們，有關於我的故事

and to make some unknowns known.

以及將一些未知變成已知

When I was eight years old, I started to feel exposed,

在我八歲的時候，我開始覺得沒有安全感

and I started to feel very, very awkward.

然後我開始覺得非常非常的難堪

Every day, I was pushed out of my house and into school,

每天，我被推出家門，前往學校

all oily, and pudgy, and conspicuous,

整個人看起來油油的、矮胖的而且十分顯眼

and to me the other girls seemed so cool, and together, and easy,

在我看來，其他女孩好像很酷、很和諧而且很從容

and I started to feel like a loser in a world that preferred superheroes.

而我開始覺得，在這個更喜歡超級英雄的世界哩，我是個失敗者

So I made my own capes, and I tied them tight around me.

所以我替自己做了一個斗篷，然後牢牢的包裹在我身上

My capes were pretending and addiction.

我的斗篷是假裝和成癮

But we all have our own superhero capes, don't we?

但我們都有屬於自己的超級英雄斗篷，不是嗎？

Perfectionism, and overworking, snarkiness, and apathy;

完美主義、過度工作、冷嘲熱諷和冷漠

they are all superhero capes.

這些都是超級英雄斗篷

Our capes are what we put over our real selves,

我們將斗篷包裹在真實的自我身上

so that our real tender selves don't have to be seen and can't be hurt.

所以我們真實、柔軟的自己不會被看到也不會受到傷害

Our superhero capes are what keep us from having to feel much at all,

我們的超級英雄斗篷確保我們不過度敏感

because every good and bad thing is deflected off of them.

因為所有好的和不好的事情都被斗篷轉移掉了

So, for 18 years,

所以，整整18年

my capes of addiction and pretending kept me safe and hidden.

用成癮和假裝所做的斗篷，保護了我也隱藏了我

People think of us, addicts, as insensitive liars,

人們認為我們這些成癮的人是麻木不仁的騙子

but we don't start out that way.

但我們一開始不是這樣的

We start out as extremely sensitive truth-tellers.

我們一開始是敏感的、亦實話實說

We feel so much pain and so much love,

我們承受著許多痛苦和愛

and we sense that the world doesn't want us to feel that much,

而且我們感覺到這個世界並不想要我們感受如此的多

and doesn't want to need as much comfort as we need,

而且不想像我們一樣需要那麼多的安慰

so we start pretending.

所以我們開始假裝

We try to pretend like we're the people that we think we're supposed to be.

我們試著假裝成我們認為我們應該成為的那些人

We numb, and we hide, and we pretend,

我們麻木自己、隱藏並且假裝

and that pretending does eventually turn into a life of lies,

而這些假裝最終變成了一生的謊言

but to be fair, we thought we were supposed to be lying.

但平心而論，我們認為我們應該要說謊

They tell us since we’re little that when someone asks us how we're doing,

當我們還小的時候，他們便告訴我們，當別人問＂你好嗎＂時

the only appropriate answer is, "Fine. And you?"

唯一適當的答案是：很好，你呢？

But the thing is that the people are truth-tellers.

但重點是，人們是實話實說者

We are born to make our unknown known.

我們天生就有讓未知變成已知的能力

We will find somewhere to do it.

我們會找到一個讓我們這麼做的地方

So in private, with the booze, or the overshopping,

所以，在私底下，透過酒或是過度購物

or the alcohol, or the food,

或是酒精、或是食物

we tell the truth.

我們說出了實話

We say, "Actually, I'm not fine."

我們說出了：事實上，我感覺不好

Because we don't feel safe telling that truth in the real world,

因為在現實生活中說真話令我們感到不安全

we make our own little world,

所以我們製造了自己的小世界

and that's addiction.

而這就是成癮

That's whatever cape you put on.

這就是你所穿上的那些斗篷

So what happens is all of us end up living

所以，最終發生的是我們活在

in these little, teeny, controllable, predictable, dark worlds

這些小小的、可以控制的、可預測的而且漆黑的世界

instead of all together in the big, bright, messy one.

而不是一起生活在一個大的、明亮的而且凌亂的世界

I binged and purged for the first time when I was eight,

當我八歲的時候，首次狂吃狂吐

and I continued every single day for the next 18 years.

而接下來18年的每一天都是如此

Seems normal to me, but you're surprised.

這對我來說很正常，但你們很驚訝

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Every single time that I got anxious, or worried, or angry,

每一次，當我感到緊張、擔心或生氣的時候

I thought something was wrong with me.

我認為我有什麼毛病

So I took that nervous energy to the kitchen

所以我將這緊張的能量帶進了廚房

and I stuffed it all down with food,

用食物將這緊張的感覺往下塞

and then I panicked, and I purged,

然後我感到驚慌並且吐了

and after all of that, I was laid out on the bathroom floor,

在這之後，我四肢攤開的躺在浴室的地上

and I was so exhausted and so numb

我十分的疲憊而且麻木

that I never had to go back and deal with whatever it was

以至於我永遠不需要回去處理

that had made me uncomfortable in the first place,

那些最初令我感到不舒服的事情

and that's what I wanted.

這就是我想要的

I did not want to deal

我不想要去處理

with the discomfort and messiness of being a human being.

那些身為一個人類所會有的不安和雜亂

So, when I was a senior in high school,

那麼，當我在高中的時候

I finally decided to tell the truth in the real world.

我終於決定在現實生活中說實話

I walked in my guidance counselor's office

我走進了我的輔導員的辦公室

and I said, "Actually, I'm not fine. Someone help me."

然後我說：事實上，我感覺不好。誰來幫幫我

And I was sent to a mental hospital.

然後我被送進了精神病院

In the mental hospital, for the first time in my life,

在精神病院哩，這是我人生中第一次

I found myself in a world that made sense to me.

我發現我在一個對我來說合理的世界

In high school, we had to care about geometry

在高中，我們需要擔心幾何學

when our hearts were breaking

在我們心碎的時候

because we were just bullied in the hallway,

因為我們剛剛在走廊被霸凌了

or no one would sit with us at lunch,

或者沒有人願意在午餐時間和我們坐一起

and we had to care about ancient Rome

然後我們必須在意古羅馬

when all we really wanted to do

當我們真正想做的

was learn how to make and keep a real friend.

是學習怎麼交朋友和維持一段朋友關係

We had to act tough when we felt scared,

當我們感到害怕時，我們必須假裝很堅強

and we had to act confident when we felt really confused.

並且在我們很困惑的時候，假裝自己很有自信

Acting, pretending, was a matter of survival.

演戲、假裝攸關生存

High school is kind of like the real world sometimes,

有時候高中生活像現實世界

but in the mental hospital, there was no pretending.

但在精神病院中，那裡沒有假裝

The gig was up.

一切都完了

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We had classes about how to express how we really felt

我們上了學習如何表達自己真實感受的課程

through music, and art, and writing.

透過音樂、藝術和寫作

We had classes about how to be a good listener,

我們學習如何當一個好聽眾

and how to be brave enough to tell our own story

以及如何有足夠的勇氣訴說自己的故事

while being kind enough not to tell anybody else's.

同時也顧及他人感受、替他人保守秘密

We held each other's hands sometimes, just because we felt like we needed to.

我們有時牽著彼此的手，只因為我們覺得需要

Nobody was ever allowed to be left out.

我們不容許任何一個人被冷落

Everybody was worthy - that was the rule - just because she existed.

每個人都是有價值的－這是規則－只因為她存在

So in there, we were brave enough to take off our capes.

所以在那裡，我們有足夠的勇氣脫掉我們的斗篷

All I ever needed to know, I learned in the mental hospital.

所有我需要知道的事情，我都是在精神病院裡學到的

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I remember this sandy-haired girl, who was so beautiful,

我記得有個很美麗，有著淺棕色頭髮的女孩

and she told the truth on her arms.

她在她的手臂說出了實話

I held her hand one day while she was crying,

有一天，當她在哭泣的時候，我握著她的手

and I saw that her arms were just sliced up like precut hams.

然後我看到他的手臂像切片火腿一樣，劃著一道道刀疤

In there, people wore their scars on the outside,

在精神病院哩，人們將傷疤露在外面

so you knew where they stood,

所以你知道他們的立場

and they told the truth, so you knew why they stood there.

而且他們說的是實話，所以你知道這就是他們的看法

So I graduated from high school,

然後我就從高中畢業了

and I went on to college,

並且繼續念了大學

which was way crazier than the mental hospital.

大學遠比精神病院還要瘋狂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

In college, I added on the capes of alcoholism and drug use.

在大學時期，我多了酗酒和吸毒的斗篷

The sun rose every day, and I started binging and purging,

每天太陽升起，我則開始了狂吃和狂吐

and then when the sun set, I drank myself stupid.

然後在日落時分，我喝個爛醉

The sunrise is usually people's signal to get up,

日出通常是人們起床的信號

but it was my signal every day to come down -

但日出是我每天休息的信號

to come down from the booze, and the boys, and the drugs,

從酒精、男孩和毒品中緩過來

and I could not come down.

但我無法緩和

That was to be avoided at all costs, so I hated the sunrise.

這是要不惜一切代價避免的，所以我討厭日出

I'd close the blinds, and I'd put the pillow over my head,

我會關上百葉窗，並且用枕頭摀住頭

while my spinning brain would torture me

而我高速運轉的腦袋不停的折磨我

about the people who were going out into their day, into the light,

這些折磨是關於那些走進美好的一天和走進光明的人們

to make relationships, and pursue their dreams, and have a day.

他們交朋友、追尋自己的夢想和擁有美好的一天

And I had no day; I only had night.

而我的世界沒有白天，只有夜晚

These days, I like to think of hope as that sunrise.

近來，我喜歡將希望視為日出

It comes out every single day to shine on everybody equally.

太陽每天都出來，平均的照耀在每一個人的身上

It comes out to shine on the sinners, and the saints,

它照耀在罪人和聖人的身上

and the druggies, and the cheerleaders.

以及癮君子和啦啦隊長身上

It never withholds.

他從不保留

It doesn't judge.

他從不批評

If you've spent your entire life in the dark,

如果你這一生都在黑暗中度過

and then one day just decide to come out,

然後有一天，你決定從黑暗中走出來

it'll be there, waiting for you, just waiting to warm you.

他會在那裡，等著你，等著溫暖你

You know, all those years,

你知道這些年來

I thought of that sunrise as searching, and accusatory, and judgmental,

我將日出視為銳利的、責備的和批判性的

but it wasn't.

但他並不是

It was just hope's daily invitation to me to come back to life.

這只是＂希望＂每天邀請我獲得新生

I think if you still have a day, if you're still alive,

我認為如果你仍然有明天，如果你仍活著

you are still invited.

你仍然是被邀請的

I actually graduated from college

我竟然大學畢業了

- which makes me both grateful to

這讓我很感激

and extremely suspicious of my Alma Mater -

而且也極度懷疑我的母校

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

and I found myself

我發現我

sort of in the real world, and sort of not.

好像在這個真實的世界，又好像不是

On Mother's Day 2002,

在2002年的母親節

- I am not good at years, we'll just say on Mother's Day -

我不擅長記年份，我們就說是在一個母親節

I had spun deeper and deeper.

我越旋越深

I wasn't even Glennon anymore.

我甚至不再是Glennon了

I was just bulimia.

我只是個暴食症患者

I was just alcoholism.

我只是個酒鬼

I was just a pile of capes.

我被一層層斗篷籠罩

But on Mother's Day, one Mother's Day,

但在母親節，這一個母親節

I found myself on the cold bathroom floor,

我發現我躺在冰冷的浴室地板上

hungover, shaking, and holding a positive pregnancy test.

宿醉、顫抖的拿著一根呈陽性反應的驗孕棒

As I sat there with my back literally against a wall, shaking,

當我背靠著牆，顫抖著坐在那裡時

an understanding washed over me.

一個領悟向我襲來

In that moment, on the bathroom floor,

在那個時刻，在浴室的地板上

I understood that even in my state,

我了解到了，即使在我這樣的狀態下

even lying on the floor,

即使躺在地上

that someone out there had deemed me

某處有個人認為我

worthy of an invitation

是值得被邀請的

to a very, very important event.

邀請參加一個非常、非常重要的事件

So, that day on the bathroom floor,

所以那天，在浴室的地板上

I decided to show up, just to show up,

我決定出現，就只是露面而已

to climb out of my dark, individual, controllable world,

從我黑暗的、個人的、可控制的世界裡爬出來

and out into the big, great, messy one.

到一個很大、很棒、很凌亂的世界

I didn't know how to be a sober person,

我不知道該怎麼當一個清醒的人

or how to be a mother, or how to be a friend,

或者怎麼做一個母親，或怎麼當一個朋友

so I just promised myself that I would show up

所以，我只承諾我自己：我會出現

and I would do the next right thing.

然後我會做下一件正確的事情

"Just show up, Glennon, even if you're scared,

＂只要出現就好，Glennon，即便你很害怕

just do the next right thing, even when you're shaking."

只要做下一件對的事情，即便你在發抖＂

So I stood up.

所以我站起來了

What they don't tell you about getting sober,

他們沒告訴你的是，你若要變清醒、

about peeling off your capes,

若要一層層剝開你的斗篷

is that it gets a hell of a lot worse before it gets better.

是在變好以前，會變得極度的糟

Getting sober is like recovering from frostbite.

變清醒就像是要從凍傷中恢復過來

It's all of those feelings that you've numbed for so long,

那些所有被麻木已久的感覺

now they're there, and they are present.

現在他們回來了，他們就在這

At first, it just feels kind of tingly and uncomfortable,

一開始，只是有點刺痛和不舒服

but then, those feelings start to feel like daggers.

但之後，這些感覺開始像匕首刺在身上一樣

The pain, the loss, the guilt, the shame -

痛苦、失去、罪惡和羞恥

it's all piled on top of you with nowhere to run.

這些感覺堆在你身上，讓你無處可逃

But what I learned during that time

但在那段時間，我學到的

is that sitting with the pain and the joy of being a human being

是和身為一個人類所擁有的痛苦和快樂坐在一起

while refusing to run for any exits

同時，拒絕跑向任何出口

is the only way to become a real human being.

是成為一個真實的人的唯一方法

So, these days, I am not a superhero,

所以，現在，我不是一個超級英雄

and I am not a perfect human being,

我也不是一個完美的人

but I am fully human being, and I am so proud of that.

但我是一個完全的人，而且對此，我感到很驕傲

I am, fortunately and frustratingly,

我很幸運而且很令人沮喪的

still exactly the same person

仍然是同一個人

as I was when I was 20, and 16, and 8 years old.

和當我在20歲、16歲和8歲時一模一樣

I still feel scared all the time,

我仍然無時無刻都感到害怕

anxious all the time,

無時無刻都感到緊張

oily all the time.

無時無刻都油油的

I still get very high and very low in life, daily,

我仍然每天都經歷著人生的高潮和低谷

but I finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made,

但我終於接受了＂我天生很敏感＂的事實

that I don't have to hide it, and I don't have to fix it.

我不需要去隱藏他，也不需要去改變他

I am not broken.

我不是殘破的

I've actually started to wonder if maybe you're sensitive, too.

我開始在想，或許你也是敏感的

Maybe you feel great pain and deep joy,

或許你感覺到劇烈的疼痛和深層的歡樂

but you just don't feel safe talking about it in the real world.

但你不覺得在現實生活中說出這些感覺是安全的

So now, instead of trying to make myself tougher,

所以現在，我不是試圖讓自己變堅強

I write and I serve people to help create a world

而是寫作和服務人民，去創造一個世界

where sensitive people don't need superhero capes,

一個敏感的人不需要超級英雄斗篷的世界

where we can all just come out into the big, bright, messy world,

一個我們都可以來到的，大的、明亮的、凌亂的世界

and tell the truth, and forgive each other for being human,

然後說出實話、以及原諒身為人類而犯錯的彼此

and admit together that yes, life is really hard,

並且一起承認：是的，人生很困難

but also insist that together we can do hard things.

但也堅持：只要團結，我們就能完成困難的事情

You know, maybe it's OK to say, "Actually, today I am not fine."

你知道，坦承「事實上，我今天並不好。」其實沒有關係