Subtitles section Play video
Hi. I'm Bruce Muzik... and welcome to this, the third video in this series about how
to navigate through the treacherous
stage of the relationship called "The Power Struggle" stage
and if you haven't been watching the previous videos, the Power Struggle stage
happens right
after the romance begins to fade away
and usually ends up with one or both partners fighting for
power inside the relationship. In this video series we're taking a look
at how to navigate through this Power Struggle stage and turn it into an opportunity for
deeper intimacy,
connection, create security and a romance that lasts a lifetime.
In this video, I'm going to be teaching you powerful
communication techniques for how to cool off an
argument when it starts spiraling out of control
into a full-blown fight. But I feel obliged to
issue a warning before I teach you this technique because this
communication technique is so powerful...
that if you practice and master it, what you'll probably find is that the people you use
it with will have a habit of falling in love with you...
So use it very wisely.
Let's take a look at how a normal conversation can turn into an argument...
and then spiral out of control
into a fight. I'd like you to think of a good conversation like a good tennis
match...
...in that there's two people playing and there is a ball that gets hit back across the
net...
The ball is a metaphor for the
conversation or the message that is being communicated between two people.
Like in any good tennis game, in any good conversation...
when you hit the ball across the net, the other person hits a back to you.
Just like a good conversation, it would be no fun if you hit the ball
across the net...
and the other person didn't hit it back! In psychological circles...
your willingness to hit the ball back
is called your RESPONSIVENESS. It turns out...
that responsiveness is one of the
keys to creating a long-term romantic relationship
that lasts - that is full of intimacy and connection.
So, let's take a look at what a responsive conversation may
look like: "Honey I'm so tired.
I had an exhausting day at work." "I understand baby...
...I guess you not like that about cooking tonight, right?" "Yeah, you got that right."
"Well why don't we get take-out instead and then you don't have to cook?" "Oh, that
sounds like a wonderful idea.
Maybe we can rent a movie while we're at it?" "Oh yeah, let's get the one we were
talking about the other night."
And the conversation is off to a great start with both partners responding to
each other.
On the other hand, here's one unresponsive conversation might look
like:
"Honey I'm so tired. I had an exhausting day at work."
"Uh Huh" "I really don't feel like cooking tonight..."
"Well, why don't you just get take out?" "Well what do you want?"
"I don't know. Choose something for me." "Oh jeez, you are so indecisive!
"Do I have to make all the decisions in this marriage?" "Uggh! Here we go again. It's always
my fault isn't it?"
And this conversation (on the other hand) is destined to escalate
into a fight. Can you see the difference? The difference is that
in the first conversation the partners in responding to each other. In the
second conversation,
they may be talking to each other, but they were unresponsive emotionally
The research shows that responsiveness is one of the key
predictive factors
in predicting whether or not a relationship will last. In fact the
statistics go like this:
In stable marriages that last a lifetime both parties a highly responsive to each
other
responding to each other eighty percent of the time each time their partner
reached out
for attention whereas marriages with that ended in divorce
partners were unresponsive and responded less than 50 percent the time today
partner reaching out
for connection and attention so the first distinction I want to leave you
with is that
your ability to respond your sponsor miss is a key factor in determining
whether a relationship will last
or whether a whole and breaking up also
the second the station I wanna leave you with is that your ability to be
responsive
in a conversation to your partner the 10 whether or not your conversations are
fun
light-hearted in 10 minutes connected
sexy and loving all-weather or not they escalate into full-blown fights
with one eye view sleeping on the couch know what I mean
so how can we be responsive to our partners when we're in the middle of a
fight to win with trigger upset
well the first thing you want to do his you wanna stop hitting your own balls
back to your pot now
or getting them to aimed at department head and begin returning the ball
they serve to you department to serve the ball across the net
might be some kind of communication and you hit that one bowl
over there back to them one ball in her court at a time as the rules Kenneth in
the same
in a good conversation when your partner's game is over
you're going to have your turn to serve your ball over the net
and they'll respond to him global back and when you do that you can play a game
and add-ons
in the conversation begins to happen rather than both are you serving bowl
that each other at the same time
potential war zone where everybody takes casualties on both sides
and is a powerful way to do this I call having a reflective conversation
been called many names by many great teachers I just call it a reflective
conversation
that gets the most descriptive name for it
it turns out that human beings in a relationship what we want more than
anything is to feel
gotten and is still don't feel heard and understood by
our partner but we were never taught this as a skill that's cool
we were taught to speak but we were actually never taught how to listen
just assume that if we understand English we could lessen
but we were never taught how to listen in a way that %uh partner feels
heard and understood
and I'm willing to bet that hoffa the arguments that happen in your
relationship
or have happened in your past relationships or because you or your
partner
have not felt her and not felt gotten by
each either how do you make your partner feel heard and understood
was actually pretty simple all you need to do is reflected back to them
what you've understood about what they say it's basically say back to them
paraphrasing
what they say it's that they gets that you heard them
and you understood that and if you didn't get it correct they can then
correct you so it's pretty simple it's not rocket science and it might look a
little bit like this here's an example that slightly more serious than the
previous examples a little
demonstrate to you how you can reuse this
in your own relationship to create instant connection in the middle of a
fight
with your pop honey I love to have a reflective conversation with you
are you free right now sure love what's up you last night when we were at dinner
me
joked about our sex life in public haha well I was really embarrassed when you
did that
okay so let me see if I understand you when I joked about our sex life at
dinner last night you felt
embarrassed to get it get them all
yet I really appreciate if you would talk about our sex life in public
I know you don't mean to be disrespectful but I am just not
comfortable about talking
about sex is your so hurt you accurately what I'm hearing you say is that your
list comes when I am about talking about sex and you'd rather than I didn't talk
about sex in public
to get it not quite it up that I mind you talk about sex with our friends
it today John comes we'll talk about our sex life public
I okay I get to talk about sex and Publix fine
but talking about our sex life feels uncomfortable for you and you'd rather I
didn't do that
that right yes is anything more no that's all
thank you I'm sorry I make you feel uncomfortable last night that was my
intention honey and I'll make sure I don't talk about a sec left in public
again
so I'm hearing you say that you regret making me uncomfortable
and you're not gonna talk about it looks like in public that right
you got it baby became more now and love you
pilot here so before I explain each step
in this reflective conversation you're probably thinking
Cruz speech like this this is a where
and I don't blame you I promise you I'm not gonna ask you to speak like this
in public but if you master this technique and begin to use it in your
relationship
something magical will happen tension will begin to dissolve
your partner's anger will disappear and if you stick with the conversation and
see it through to completion
you'll take your relationship to new heights are intimacy
connection and love that you may have never experienced before
0 okay let's take a look at how you can have your own reflective conversations
with your partner step-by-step so the first step
is to request reflective conversation so if you find yourself in an argument that
you fear might be escalating into a fight
well even the city apart the honeycomb live reflective conversation please
and if they say yes well then UN and the next thing you gonna do is gonna choose
who's gonna go first has to say
who's gonna be the speaker and the person who speaks first we're gonna call
the sender and the person who listens
were gonna call their receiver that this %um for this example that you're the
receiver and your partner's
the sender the third step is your partner
the sender is gonna send their message and your job is the receiver
is gonna be just to listen you don't say a word you just listen
and when they stop you gonna paraphrase back to them
in your own words what you understood that they've said
personally I like to reflect back using the sentence them
if I heard you accurately what I hear you saying is
dot dot dot and when you have you gonna check in with them that you got it right
by saying
did I get it if you didn't get it they'll tell you which part of their
message you didn't understand properly
and then you can paraphrase a reflected back to them again
until they confirm that you did get once they've confirmed
that you didn't get it the next question you can ask the sender is
is there more if the same this is that there's no more
well then you can switch roles and you can become the sender and send your
message and they listen to you tomorrow
now I understand that this may feel a little bit overwhelming in the beginning
like a lot to remember
so I made you a document download this video that you can download and print
out
and keep handy around the house that when you next into an argument we feel a
conversation
turning in talking to the tension rising you grab a piece of paper saying
apartment
hate we have a reflective conversation piece I feel like the pensions
increasing here
and it if you can use the documents to run through step by step
and before you know it will become second nature and your conversational
very rarely escalates into full-blown war where you know
firing shots at each other the alternative fun tennis matches where
you're bouncing a ball back across the next to each other
and feeding her and gotten understood and I love and connection
deepens and increases in your relationship
so here's a couple of tests for making a reflective conversation
s transformative as possible
that number one one person speaks at a time only
this way you always feel like you're being heard
September 2 the same as always to speak in bite-size chunks
case maybe 30 seconds at a time and then their
person who's the receiver can reflect back a bite size chunks rather than
having to reflect back 10 minutes with a
download right says they seconds to a minute at a time seems to be
a good that balance tip number three
is the center is going to own their words they can use I statements ago take
full responsibility
for your experience what's going on for you not to point fingers at department
say you did this and you did that
to them before if you can any and it feels good to
said need to me with your partner and hold your partner's hand
touch apart have some good physical touch with your partner some people when
they're in the middle conflict the lost thing they want to do is have physical
touch
in that case it might be better to step back
auster partner what that prefer and figure out something that works
for you and two number five is hug your partner afterwards when you finish for
the conversation and
ends in 11th face hug your partner and ended
lovingly and what you'll do is look train each other that every time you
have an argument and you use this technique
ends in luck and you'll want to use this technique a partner will want to use
this technique
and before you know it your arguments one even escalate into fights anymore
they'll begin to end in these beautiful moments for the two of you just feel
connected and loving and gotten
and heard and understood in like a part was the own personal will just
truly understands you and that's what I want for you
and that's when teaching at this technique that's why I'm starting to
love at first bite coaching program shortly
and that's why making these videos for you see you can have that experience
instead of the horrible experience at breaking up that most people have
during a power struggle stage
so where would you use a reflective conversation
well the first way you might use it would be to actually request one
so maybe you've got something on your mind little nervous about talking to
your partner about me
suspect it might be a touchy subject and Mike escalate into an argument or
an opportunity to review to be disconnected then you might say a
partner
any you but sometimes something between 4-5pm going to spend an hour
have reflected conversations the following requests that's one way to use
now the way to use it is when you're having a conversation you notice that
the tensions rising
before it gets out of control in my city apartment hey
they can we just a reflective conversation and you can de-escalate the
conflict sped away
I often use it when my partners sharing with me about how the day went and
they've had a really tough day and a shank me
I just reflect back to them what they're saying today extending her dad got me
not even having an argument or fight that all
but I just use it you know naturally that she feels her and she feels got
Minch
feels like that you know that I'm interested in what she saying you can
even use it with your children
you could use it at work with your boss in with your employees especially think
it heated
this kind of technique is used in hostage negotiation and conflict
resolution all around the world so over time
as the two you become more and more reliable to use this technique
your relationships began to become safer and safer for the two
you to open up be vulnerable and share with each other and those sensitive
conversations that might have previously ended with wanna be sleeping on the
couch
okay and with both the sleeping in each others arms
in a bit to get I could speak for hours on how to make this technique
even more effective and will be going deeper into debt the left Best Buy
coaching program which will tell you about in the next video so if you wanna
be notified before anybody else
when the love at first bite coaching program opens
please pop your email in the box down below and click the button
and I'll send you an email as soon as we open the door that program before I
let everybody else Cup so I hope you found this video youthful
and I hope you show it to your partner and you print out the document down
below
and you use the technique in your relationship then please leave me a
comment
and let me know what you thought the video and let me know your success story
the house
actually was going to have a conversation like this with your partner
tonight
let me know how it goes please click the Like button down below it share on
Facebook
email it to your friends and we can spread the word about how to
the escalating conflict help people all around the world create
relationship have more lovable a romance that last a lifetime
so this is Brit Music signing off with you more love than you know how to
handle
have an amazing day and I'll talk to a couple days when love at first sight
touch
program talk to them by