Close your eyes and think of a happy memory.

合上眼睛，回想一段美好回憶

One that makes you smile every time you recall it.

那段每次想起都會不禁微笑的回憶

OK, got it? Now open your eyes.

好了嗎？張開你的眼睛吧

When you search your memory banks,

當你搜尋回憶庫

were the events of your life a linear progression of everything,

由出生到現在

from birth until right now?

所有發生過的事都是一條直線發展嗎？

No, of course not.

不，當然不會

What you recall were moments.

你回想起的都是零碎的片段

When I ask you to think about a happy one,

當我要求你想一段快樂回憶時

a particular moment just popped into your head.

某個特定片段就會出現在腦海中

I bet you didn't even have to think about it,

連想都不用想

it's just there, and you feel happy.

那段回憶就在腦裏面，讓你感到愉快

And you know what?

你知道嗎?

That feeling of happiness doesn't come from the actual moment,

愉快的感覺並非來自現實

but instead, how we decide to react to the moment.

而是來自我們對當刻的反應

That's called our emotional response.

也就是我們的情緒反應

We decide how to react, we decide what to feel.

我們決定如何回應，我們決定怎樣感受

You decided, consciously or unconsciously,

那個回憶之所以快樂

that the moment you remembered right now is a happy one.

是因為你當時帶意識或不帶意識的決定那一刻的感受為快樂

So what does this tell us?

那代表什麼呢？

It's not the moments that define us,

情景並非決定性

but our choices and our reactions that make us who we are.

我們的選擇和反應才是決定我們本質的關鍵

In those choices resides our biggest potential.

我們的選擇裏隱藏著一件東西

It's called responsibility.

也就是責任

My story today is a story of responsibility.

今天，我要告訴你的故事是關於責任

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse.

我是受過兒童性侵犯的人

I'm 15 years old,

我十五歲的時候

and my high school choir director is sexually abusing me.

我遭當時的高中歌詠團團長性侵犯

The abuse lasts two years until I become too old,

侵犯歷時兩年，直到我年紀太大

and he moves on to one of my friends.

他轉移侵犯我一位朋友

But before the abuse even starts, I'm very carefully groomed.

但在我遭到侵犯前，他已經仔細觀察我

Grooming is how a child's sex predator weeds out the strong kids,

性侵兒童的犯人往往通過觀察，篩走堅強的孩子

with high self-esteem, because a predator doesn't want those kids.

那些自尊心很高的孩子不是犯人的目標

Instead a predator targets the weaker ones, like me,

犯人的目標是那些懦弱的孩子，比如我

a sad kid, a kid who needs love.

憂傷的、需要愛的孩子

Predators use manipulation, flattery, attention, gifts, and time,

犯人耍手段、給我獻媚、注意、禮物和時間

to fill the holes in a child's weak and suffering self-esteem.

去填補那孩子脆弱、受損的自尊

Let's face it, my self-esteem has a lot of holes.

說實話，我當時的自尊充滿傷痕

I already have a history of depression, I've been hospitalized for being suicidal,

我一直都有憂鬱，曾經因自殺傾向而住院

I crave time with an adult who will listen to me and validate me.

我渴望成年人的注意，傾聽我，認同我

I want a mentor.

希望有人為我指點明燈

I need love.

渴望有人愛我

But I do not need, crave, or want sexual abuse.

但我並不需要，不渴求，也不希望被性侵犯

When the abuse is in full force, my predator manipulates me into thinking

當他施加最大力度的性侵犯時，那犯人操縱我的思想

that what is happening is not rape but love.

使我以為他對我做的一切皆是出於愛，而非強暴

He does this to isolate me from my friends and family,

他這樣做使我從朋友和家人那邊孤立起來

and make himself the center of my world.

使他可以變成我世界的中心

That's how a child's sex predator creates a compliant victim.

性侵犯人就是這樣使受害人溫順

A victim who is too scared to say no, a victim who is too scared to fight back,

受害人非常害怕說不，不敢反抗

a victim who is too scared to leave,

不敢離開

and a victim who then becomes too scared to report.

然後，受害人甚至不敢報警

By the time the abuse is over, I am wounded, and I am scarred.

那段經歷結束時，我已經傷痕累累

I'm 17, I'm pregnant, and I have a sexually transmitted disease.

我只有十七歲，已經懷孕，並感染性病

And I am also utterly alone.

我孤立無援

In seeing the intended effects of grooming,

當我的朋友、同輩看到 我喜歡有人留意自己

but not understanding what's going on,

欲還未完全了解發生甚麼事的時候

my friends and my peers think I wanted the abuse.

他們都以為我是願意接受性侵犯

They think I'm happy with it.

他們以為我喜歡給人侵犯

They are scared of my predator, and they are disgusted with me.

他們害怕侵犯我的人，同時也厭惡我

So I am totally isolated.

所以我真的很孤單

A-ha! My abuser's grand plan has worked!

啊哈！犯人的性侵大計奏效了

Because, you see, predators are cunning, and my friends and I are not.

他老謀深算，我們則愚笨無知

Things are much better at home.

家中的情況好一點

My parents are old school, but my mother is nuts.

我的父母是傳統的家長，而我媽脾氣不好

So, when they find out about what is going on,

於是當他們發現真相時

it is very easy for them to point the fingers of blame at me.

他們二話不說指着我的鼻頭責怪我

They tell me I should have known better.

他們說，我老大不小，不應該犯這種錯

So without intervention and without support,

沒有人阻止，沒有人支持

my emotional development comes to a crashing halt.

令我的情緒發展戛然而止

All I know how to be is a victim.

我只知道怎樣當一名受害者

And as time progresses after the abuse,

遭性侵以後

I find myself more and more in victim-like situations.

我一次又一次深陷像受害一樣的情況

I get into bad relationships, I am self-destructive,

我和其他人有差劣的關係，然後又會自殘

I hurt people who love me

我傷害愛我的人

because, you know, all that is just true:

你知道嗎，那是因為：

hurt people hurt people!

受傷害的人傷害人！

I sabotage every chance of success I have.

我搞砸每一個可以通往成功的機遇

You see, I want to hurt, because pain is a feeling I understand.

我想傷害一切，因為痛苦是我理解的情感

Pain is my friend, because you know what? Pain will never abandon me.

痛苦是我的朋友，你知道這是為什麼嗎？因為痛苦從不離棄我

But I hate myself for it.

但我憎恨這樣的自己

By this time, I'm a college grad, I was a straight-A student,

這時候我已經大學畢業，還是個特優生

I'm supposed to be conquering the world, not conquering myself.

我應該要征服世界，而不是征服自己

The years go on, and I still live like a victim.

這些年來，我仍然像個受害者一樣生活

Then, one day, I have this moment of clarity.

但有一天，我轄然開朗

Because I'm so steeped in self-loathing,

我一直陷入自我厭惡的深潭

moments of clarity are few and far between.

澄明開朗的時刻少之又少

I realize that I'm dangling from this precipice of my own creation.

我突然明白，我是自己爬到這懸崖峭壁上的

All I need to do is let go, and I will crash.

只要放手，我就會直墮千尺

And it will all be over.

一切都會結束

How the hell did I end up here?

我到底是怎樣爬到這危險的境地的呢？

My abuser didn't force me here,

侵犯我的人沒有強迫我

my parents didn't force me here at the point of a gun.

我的父母沒有拿着槍指着我

My high school friends and peers didn't force me here

高中的朋友同學也沒有

with torches and pitchforks.

手持火炬、長矛逼迫我

I put me here, by remaining a victim.

我因為一直當受害者，所以才把自己推到這田地

That day, I realize I have a real choice here:

那一天，我明白到我能夠選擇：

I can live or I can die.

要生，還是要死

I can take responsibility and I can heal,

我可以負責任，為自己療傷

or I can remain a victim and soon I will be pushing up daisies.

也可以以受害者自居，然後自縊

So, in that moment,

在那一刻

I decided I am going to do something that is totally against how I have existed

我下定決心，要過一些天翻地覆的改變

for the past 10-12 years.

跟過去 10 至 12 年完全不一樣的生活

I'm going to live. No. I'm going to thrive!

我要生活下去，不，我要使人生燦爛奪目！

But the first thing that I have to do is going to be the hardest:

但第一步是最難的：

I have to take responsibility for putting myself on that precipice.

我要負上將自己逼上絕路的責任

I have to take responsibility for my life.

我要為自己的人生負責

I have to take responsibility for the fact that my abuse happened.

我要為性侵發生的這個事實負責

Not blame but responsibility.

不是要罵誰，但我要負責

I was an innocent child, and the abuse was not my fault.

我不過是一個天真的孩子，錯不在我

But you know what? I can't change the past.

你知道嗎？我無法改變已經發生的事

So I have to make peace with it.

因此我必須坦然接受

And the only person who can do that for me is me.

能夠這樣做的人只有我

I have to take responsibility for the fact that my parents were not perfect.

我要明白我父母的不是十全十美

But I turned out OK.

但我最後成為不錯的人

They did a good job, they love me, and they are sorry.

他們盡力了，他們很愛我，並且深感後悔

My choices, and my actions,

我的選擇，我的行動

and my reactions after the abuse were my doing not theirs.

我的反應，在那件事情過後，皆是我源於我，與別人無關

It's time to let go over anger, it's time to forgive my parents.

是時候釋懷，是時候原諒我的父母

I have to take responsibility for the fact

我必須負責任

that the circumstances surrounding my abuse hurt a lot of other people.

我遭性侵犯這件事傷害很多人

Oh my God, I finally understand why my friends were so mad.

老天啊！我終於明白為什麼我的朋友這樣生氣

I realize that I can't change their opinion of me,

我知道無法改變他們對我的意見

and it's a opinion that still stings,

他們到現在還仍然對我有意見

but what I can do is telling them how truly sorry I am about what happened,

我能做的，就只有告訴他們我有多抱歉

and I can do it without blaming myself.

但不必怪責自己

When I do that, the sting starts to go away a little bit.

這樣做的時候，我開始慢慢釋懷

And then, as I take responsibility, it is like this veil is lifted.

當我負上責任，迷霧就開始消散

I can see... -- like holy smokes! --

我看見前路就彷如煙消雲散！

If I take responsibility, I can create the future that I want.

假如我負上責任，我就能創造我想要的未來

I can create my potential,

我可以發展自己的潛能

I can create a world full of happiness, joy, and engagement, and connection,

我可以營造一個充滿快樂、喜悅、投入感和連繫的世界

I can use my story to empower and inspire, instead of using it to shame myself.

我的故事不再使自己羞愧，反而可以激勵別人

I can be happy, and that's startling, because I don't even know how to be happy.

這樣一來我就可以快樂起來，可這令我很緊張，因為我不知道怎樣才可以快樂

But I was a straight-A student,

但我是特優生嘛

so I'm going to buy book on how to be happy.

於是我買了本書：如何變得開心

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I have to take control,

我必須主宰自己的生命

I have to stop letting other ideas, people, and events

不再讓其他人、其他意見、其他事

trigger me into depression, or anger, or defensiveness.

觸發我的憂鬱症、怒氣或防禦機制

I have to choose to no longer be a victim, and I have to regain the power in my life.

我必須停止沉浸在受害者的角色，而重新控制自己生命中的力量

Then, another light bulb goes off. Ding!

然後，我腦海中的另一個燈泡亮了，叮！

If I take the power back in my life,

假如我擁有主宰自己生命的力量

I can hold people accountable for what they did to me.

就能要那些虧待過我的人負責

I can stand on equal footing when I do it.

我和他們站在對等的位置

I can hold my abuser accountable,

要侵犯過我的人負責

I can hold the people who covered up for him accountable.

要那些包庇他的人負責

I can fight for my own justice, I can fight for justice for other people.

我可以為自己爭取正義，也為別人爭取正義

In that moment, when I took responsibility,

我負起責任的那一刻

my world transformed.

我的世界天翻地覆

And I haven't stopped smiling since.

自此，笑容從未消失我的臉上

You know what?

你知道嗎？

It's not different for any of you.

在座的所有人也一樣

You are sitting here saying,

你們坐在這裡說：

"Well, it's almost break time, I have to go to the bathroom,

「快到小休時間了，我要上洗手間。」

and I wasn't sexually abused; it's not going to work,"

「我從未遭性侵犯，你的方法對我沒有用的。」

Think about it.

你們好好想一想

Think about the anger we all carry,

想一想我們內心都存在的憤怒

and the resentment towards things that happened in those moments,

對以前發生的事情的怨恨

the times we were hurt, the times we failed,

受傷的時候，失敗的時候

the times we made really bad decisions,

做錯誤決定的時候

even when the decisions were not our fault.

儘管有時候錯不在我們

How many time have we looked back and blamed our parents

但有多少次，我們責怪父母

for our bad reactions, our bad decisions?

只因為自己的不良反應與錯誤決定？

How many times have we blamed our bosses or our employers,

有多少次，我們責怪自己的上司、老闆

for the times we made crappy career choices?

令我們的事業才會一落千丈

How many times have we said, "Oh I can't!"

有多少次，我們說： 「噢，我做不到的。」

"They will never love me," "I will never get that job,"

「他們永遠不會愛我。」「他們絕不會聘請我。」

"I'm alone, I'm marginalized,"

「我很孤獨，我遭排斥。」

"The man is keeping me down!"

「那傢伙不斷令我情緒低落！」

You don't have to be that person, you don't want to be that person.

你不必變成這樣的人，你也不想變成這樣的人

You can blossom and thrive,

你的人生可以是璀璨奪目

when you take responsibility for your actions and reactions.

只要你為自己的行為、反應負責

You can let go of the negative self-talk,

你只是不能再貶低自己

and the triggers, and the self-destructive behaviors.

你必須停止自殘，遠離觸發自殘的情況

The only person who can empower you is you.

能夠為自己注入力量的就只有你自己

But if you don't take responsibility, the power within you will die.

要是你不負責的話，那股力量就會枯萎

Think about it.

你仔細想想。

You can do anything when you take responsibility.

只要你負責任，你可以做任何事情

Go run that 5k. Start a business.

去跑五公里、創業

If the holidays upset you, invent new holiday traditions.

如果節慶讓你不太開心，你可以發明新的佳節傳統

Shocking!

你想不到吧！

Smile, vote, forgive, tell someone you're sorry.

微笑、投票、原諒、告訴別人你很抱歉

Stand up for yourself.

為自己發聲

Stop enabling.

別允許自己重蹈覆徹

Let go of anger and toxic people.

把憤怒和惡毒的人趕走

Find common ground with an opponent.

與你的對手達成共識

Sit up straight, it always works when everyone sits up straight.

坐挺，這對所有人都有好處

Surround yourself with love.

讓你自己被愛環饒

But you will not be able to do that unless you take responsibility,

但你沒辦法做到這點，除非你負起責任

and you let go of the artificial moral high ground of victimhood,

除非你不再當受害者，放棄這個虛構的道德高點

and create the future that you want.

並創造你嚮往的未來

Because if you do that, if you take responsibility,

因為如果你真的負起責任

you will change your world.

你可以改變世界

When you take responsibility,

當你負起責任

you will have the power to change the whole world.

你會得到改變全世界的力量

Thank you.

謝謝你們

(Applause)

（掌聲）