Hmmm...

Okay. What...

can we do for you today?

- I don't know.

I was giving myself a breast exam this morning, and...

Something's wrong.

- Okay, well, let''s take a look.

- Uh...

They're... all blocky. And square. A-and weirdly colored. I-I don't know what's happening to me.

- This is nothing to worry about. This is a textbook case of pixelated nipple.

- I don't understand.

- Oh, well, your nipples are going to be square and blocky, fleshy mosaics forever now.

- What?

Why?

- Well, there are many possible causes. Although most doctors believe it has to do with elevated levels of sexiness in the system.

Are your nipples sexy?

- No.

- Not even a little bit?

- No more than yours.

- We'll have to run some tests to be sure, but, um...

I think they might be sexy.

- They're not to me.

- Well, I think they are.

- But, I don't.

- Well, I do.

- I don't.

- But I do.

- Okay, um, nevermind. Just is there anything we can do?

Because I don't want my body to look like this.

- Uh, well, I suppose there is, uh, an experimental procedure.

We could... take a pair of male nipples.

And attach them here and here.

- Why would that do anything?

- Male nipples are just far less sexy than female nipples.

On the other hand your body could reject the transplant. It's all very complicated.

- What does that even mean? They're nipples, there's nothing complicated about them.

- [laughs]

No, no no no.

Nipples are one of the most complicated body parts!

Look here.

This... is a female nipple on a female breast.

Now, this will very frequently be pixelated.

But...

The very similar male nipple on the male chest...

Never is!

And...

The female nipple on a very flat chest

is still pixelated.

But!

A male nipple

Next to a logo that we did not get clearance for...

Well, the logo is pixelated, the nipple is fine.

And consider also...

This big, bloody bone jutting out of a woman's chest.

Now, the nipple is pixelated, but the horrible, gory gaping wound is not.

I don't get it either.

And our final one here...

A woman's breast with no nipples.

Now, this is not pixelated.

But what happens when we add male nipples?

Boop, boop

And there you go.

Just like that.

So that's what happends to a poster. We don't know what happens to a human.

- O...K, then what can I do?

- Ohhh, well...

You don't have many options.

You could try attaching a baby to one of your nipples.

That would make everything much less sexy. The pixelation could go away.

But, you do run the risk of the pixelation spreading to the baby's face.

- Yeah, no thank you.

- Well, if you're not into that, I suppose you could...

Move to some topless tribe somewhere.

Maybe in the Australian bush?

Uh, like diabetes,

pixelated nipple is largely a first-world disease.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that either.

Okay, I-I just want my nipples back.

Normal nipples like you have. Like thousands of women in Europe have.

- Look.

I know how hard this must be for you.

To... to see your body changed against your will.

[sighs]

Okay, look.

[sighs]

- I have a pixelated dick. - Oh, my god.

- Or, a penis, as doctors usually call it.

- Yeah.

- Is it cold in here?

- Uuuh-huh - Yeah.

- Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.

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