because I was going to do a speaking event and she called and she said,

因為我要去做一個演講活動，她打電話，她說。

"I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flier."

"我真的很苦惱怎麼在小傳單上寫你。"

And I thought, "well what's the stuggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak

我想，"好吧，什麼是stuggle？"她說，"好吧，我看到你說話，

I'm gonna call you a researcher I think but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher no one will come because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant (audience laughter)

我想我要叫你研究員，但我怕叫你研究員就沒人來了，因為他們會覺得你很無聊，無關緊要(觀眾笑)

And, I was like "Okay." And she said,

我就說 "好吧"她說，

"Well the thing I liked about your talk

"我喜歡你的談話

is that you're a story teller.So I think what I'll do is call you a story teller."

是你是一個講故事的人.所以我想我要做的就是叫你一個講故事的人."

And of course the academic, insecure part of me was like- "you're gonna call me a what?" (audience laughter)

當然，學術， 我不安全的一部分是喜歡 - "你會叫我一個什麼？"（觀眾笑聲）

"you're gonna call me a what?" (audience laughter)

"你要叫我什麼？"（觀眾笑聲）

And she said, "I'm gonna call you a story teller." And I was like, "Oh,

她說，"我要叫你講故事的人"我當時想，"哦。

pfft why not magic pixie." (lots of laughter)

pfft為什麼不魔法精靈。"（很多笑聲）

I was like-

我當時想...

"let me think about this for a second."

"讓我考慮一下這個問題"

And so, I tried to call deep on my courage

於是，我試著向內心深處呼喚我的勇氣。

and I thought

我想

Well, you know I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher.

嗯，你知道我是一個講故事的人。我是一個定性研究者。

I collect stories, that's what I do.

我收集故事，這就是我的工作。

And maybe stories are just data with a soul. Ya know and maybe I'm just a storyteller.

也許故事只是有靈魂的數據。你知道，也許我只是一個講故事的人。

So I said, "You know what?

於是我說："你知道嗎？

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher/storyteller." And she went, "Ah-ha-ha (imitates loud laugh)! There's no such thing."

你為什麼不直接說我是個研究者/講故事的人"。她就說："啊--哈--哈(模仿大笑)!沒有這樣的事情。"

So I'm a researcher/storyteller.

所以我是一個研究者/講故事的人。

And I'm going to talk to you today, we're talking about expanded perception

而我今天要跟大家聊的，是關於擴大認知的問題。

And so I want to talk to you and tell you some stories about a piece of my research

所以我想跟大家講講我的一項研究的一些故事。

that fundamentally expanded my perception

從根本上拓展了我的認知

and really actually changed the way that

並真正真正改變了方式，

I live and love and work and parent.

我生活、戀愛、工作、育兒。

And this is where my story starts...

我的故事就是從這裡開始的... ...

When I was young researcher/doctoral student.

當我還是年輕的研究員/博士生的時候。

My first year, I had a

我的第一年，我有一個

research professor who on

研究教授，他在

one of his first days of class said, "Here's the thing- if you cannot measure it, it doesn't exist."

他上課的第一天就說："事情是這樣的--如果你不能測量它，它就不存在。"

And I thought he was just sweet talking me,

我還以為他只是對我甜言蜜語。

I was like- "Really?" And he said, "Absolutely."

我當時想，"真的嗎？"他說，"當然。"

And so you have to understand that I have a Batchelors in Social Work, a Masters in Social Work and I was getting my PhD in Social Work.

所以你要明白，我有社會工作專業的學士學位，社會工作專業的碩士學位，而且我正在攻讀社會工作專業的博士學位。

So my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed the whole "life's messy, love it."

所以我的整個學術生涯都被那些有點相信 "生活很亂，愛它 "的人包圍著。

And I'm more the "life's messy, clean it up." (audience giggles)

而我更多的是 "生活很亂，清理一下"。（觀眾笑聲）

"Organize it and put it into a bento box." (more laughter)

"整理一下，放進便當盒裡。"（更多的笑聲）

And so to think I had found my way, found a career

所以我認為我已經找到了我的方式，找到了一個職業

that takes me... you know one of the big sayings in social work is "lean into the discomfort of the work"

這需要我... 你知道在社會工作中的一個重要說法是 "靠在工作的不適"。

and I'm more "knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's." That was my mantra. (audience laughs)

而我更多的是 "把不舒服的東西敲到頭頂上，然後把它搬過來，拿到全A"。這是我的口頭禪。（觀眾笑）

So I was very excited about this and so I thought, this is the career for me because I am interested

所以我很興奮，所以我想，這是我的職業，因為我對這個感興趣

in some messy topics but I want to be able to make them, not messy.

在一些亂七八糟的題目中，但我希望能讓它們，而不是亂七八糟。

I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things

我想了解他們。我想黑進這些東西

that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.

我知道是重要的，把代碼擺出來給大家看。

So where I started was with connection.

所以我一開始的地方就是連接。

Because by the time you're a social worker for ten years what you realize is

因為當你做了十年社工的時候，你意識到的是... ...

that connection is why we're here.

這種聯繫是我們在這裡的原因。

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

是它賦予了我們生活的目標和意義。

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abusive and neglect.

不管你是否與從事社會正義和心理健康工作的人交談，虐待和忽視。

That connection, the ability to feel connected, is neurobiologically how we're wired. That's why we're here.

這種連接，感覺到連接的能力，是我們神經生物學上的連接方式。 這就是為什麼我們在這裡。

So I thought, "I'll start with connection."

所以我想，"我就從聯繫開始吧。"

Well you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss...

你知道那種你從老闆那裡得到評價的情況... ...

And she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome and one thing that you kinda, ya know the "opportunity for growth"?

她告訴你37件事，你做得非常棒，還有一件事，你有點，你知道 "成長的機會"？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And all you can think about is that "opportunity for growth," right?

而你能想到的就是那個 "成長的機會"，對嗎？

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well.

嗯，顯然我的工作也是這樣的。

Because when you ask people about love

因為當你問人們關於愛情的時候

They tell you about heartbreak.

他們告訴你關於心碎。

When you ask them about belonging,

當你問他們的歸屬時。

They'll tell you about the most excruciating experiences of being excluded.

他們會告訴你最痛苦的被排斥的經歷。

And when you ask people about connection,

而當你問到人們的聯繫。

The stories they told me were about disconnection.

他們給我講的故事都是關於隔閡的。

So very quickly (about six weeks into my research), I ran into this unnamed thing

所以很快（大約在我研究的六個星期後），我遇到了這個不知名的東西

that absolutely unraveled connection. In a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

那絕對是解開的聯繫。 以一種我不理解或從未見過的方式。

And so I pulled back out of the research and said, "I need to figure out what this is."

於是我從研究中抽身出來，說："我需要弄清楚這是什麼。"

And it turned out to be shame.

而結果卻是恥辱。

It turned out that -and shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection-

原來--而羞恥感真的很容易理解為對斷絕聯繫的恐懼--。

is there's something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection.

是有一些關於我的東西，如果別人知道或看到它，我將不值得連接。

The things I can tell you about it is: - it's universal, we all have it.

我可以告訴你的事情是：- 它的普遍性，我們都有它。

The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

唯獨沒有體驗到羞恥感的人，沒有人類共情和聯繫的能力。

- No one wants to talk about it and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

- 沒有人願意談論它，你越是不談論它，你就越是擁有它。

What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough" - which we all know that feeling, that "I'm not _____ enough, I'm not thin enough,

是什麼支撐著這種羞恥感，這種 "我不夠好"--我們都知道這種感覺，就是 "我不夠________，我不夠瘦"。

rich enough, smart enough, promoted enough"...

有錢、有頭腦、有地位"...

The thing that underpinned this was, this excruciating vulnerability.

支撐這一切的是，這種令人痛苦的脆弱。

This idea of "in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen," really seen.

這種 "為了讓連接發生，我們必須讓自己被看見 "的想法，真的被看見了。

And you know how I feel about vulnerability, I HATE vulnerability.

你知道我對脆弱的感覺，我討厭脆弱。

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

於是我想，這是我的機會，我可以用我的測量棒打回去。

I'm going in. And I'm gonna figure this stuff out, I'm gonna spend a year.

我要進去了我要花一年的時間把這些東西弄清楚。

I'm gonna totally deconstruct shame, I'm gonna understand how vulnerability works and I'm gonna outsmart it.

我要完全解構羞恥感，我要了解脆弱是如何運作的，我要戰勝它。

So I was ready and I was really excited!

所以我已經準備好了，我真的很興奮!

As you know it's not going to turn out well. (laughter)

你也知道，結果不會好。（笑聲）

(more laughter) You know this.

(更多的笑聲)你知道的。

I could tell you a lot about shame but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

我可以告訴你很多關於羞恥的事，但我得借用別人的時間。

But here's what I can tell you it boils down to...

但我可以告訴你的是，歸根結底是...

-and this may be one of the most important things I've learned in the decade of doing this research-

這可能是我在這十年的研究中所學到的最重要的東西之一--。

My one year turned into six years,

我的一年變成了六年。

thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups -at one point people were sending me their journal pages, their stories- thousands of pieces of data in six years.

成千上萬的故事，成百上千的長篇採訪，焦點小組--有一次，人們把他們的日記頁，他們的故事--在六年裡，成千上萬的數據發給我。

And I kinda got a handle on it, I understood what shame is, how it works.

而且我還挺有把握的，我明白了什麼是羞恥，它是如何工作的。

I wrote a book, I published a theory but something was not okay.

我寫了一本書，發表了一篇理論，但有些東西不妥。

And what it was, was that if I roughly took the people I interviewed,

而它是什麼，是如果我粗略地把我採訪的人。

and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness (that's what this comes down, a sense of worthiness),

並把他們分為真正有價值感的人（這就是這個道理，價值感）。

they have a strong sense of love and belonging.

他們有強烈的愛和歸屬感。

And then the folks who struggle for it, the folks who are always wondering if they're good enough...

還有那些為之奮鬥的人們，那些總是懷疑自己是否足夠優秀的人們... ...

there was only one variable that separated the people who had a strong sense of love and belonging, and really struggle for it, and that was

只有一個變數，把那些有強烈的愛和歸屬感，並真正為之奮鬥的人分開了，那就是......。

the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. That's it.

有強烈的愛和歸屬感的人，相信自己是值得愛和歸屬的。就是這樣的。

They believe they're worthy.

他們認為自己是值得的。

And so to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection

所以在我看來，讓我們無法建立聯繫的難點在於我們害怕自己不值得建立聯繫。

was something that personally and professionally I felt like I needed to understand.

是我個人和職業上都覺得需要了解的東西。

So I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

所以我把所有的採訪，我看到了價值，看到了這樣生活的人，就看了這些。

What do these people have in common?

這些人有什麼共同點？

I have a slight office supply addiction...that's another talk (laughter).

我有輕微的辦公用品癖好......那是另一個話題（笑）。

So I had a manila folder and a sharpie and I was like, "What am I going to call this research?"

所以，我有一個馬尼拉文件夾和銳利的 我當時想，"我是什麼 要叫這個研究？"

And the first words that came to my mind were "wholehearted."

而我腦海中出現的第一個詞就是 "全心全意"。

These are kind of wholehearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness.

這些都是一種全心全意的人，從這種深深的價值感中活出來。

So I wrote at the top of the manila folder and I started looking at the data.

於是我在馬尼拉文件夾的最上面寫上了，我開始看數據。

At first in this very intense, four day long analysis, where I went back and pulled all these interviews, stories asking - "What's the theme? What's the pattern?"

一開始在這個非常緊張的，長達四天的分析中，我回過頭來，把所有這些採訪、故事都拉出來問--"主題是什麼？""模式是什麼？ 什麼是模式？"

My husband left town with the kids (audience laughs) because I always kinda going into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing.

我的丈夫和孩子們一起離開了小鎮（觀眾笑），因為我總是有點進入這個傑克遜-波洛克瘋狂的事情。

Where I'm just writing and just in my researcher mode.

在那裡，我只是在寫，只是在我的研究者模式。

And so here's what I found...

所以這是我發現的... ...

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

他們的共同點是有一種勇氣。

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a moment.

而我想為你分別一下勇氣和勇敢。

Courage, when it first came into the English language (it's from the latin word - cour, meaning heart), the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

勇氣，剛進入英語時（它來自拉丁語--cour，意思是心），最初的定義是全心全意講述你是誰。

And so these folks, very simply, had the courage to be imperfect.

所以這些人，很簡單，有勇氣不完美。

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first

他們有慈悲心，先對自己好一點。

and then others and as it turns out we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

然後是別人，事實證明，如果我們不能善待自己，就不能對別人實行慈悲。

And the last was that they had connection- and this was the hard part- as a result of authenticity.

最後是他們有聯繫--這是最難的部分--由於真實性。

They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

他們願意放下他們認為應該成為的人。

to be who they were, which you absolutely have to do for connection.

是誰，你絕對要做的連接。

The other thing that they had in common was this-

他們的另一個共同點是------。

they fully embraced vulnerability.

他們完全接受了脆弱性。

They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful.

他們相信，讓他們脆弱的東西，讓他們變得美麗。

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable nor did they talk about it being excruciating as I had heard earlier in the shame interviewing.

他們沒有說到脆弱是舒服的，也沒有像我之前聽到的恥辱訪談那樣說到脆弱是痛苦的。

They just talked about it being necessary.

他們只是說說而已，是有必要的。

They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first.

他們談到願意先說 "我愛你"。

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.

在沒有保證的情況下，願意做一些事情。

The willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after their mammogram.

願意在做完乳腺檢查後，通過等待醫生的電話來呼吸。

The willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

願意為一段可能成功也可能失敗的關係投資。

They thought this was fundamental.

他們認為這是根本。

I personally thought that this was betrayal.

我個人認為，這是一種背叛。

I could not believe that I'd pledged allegiance to research, where (in our job) the definition of research is to control and predict.

我簡直不敢相信我竟然效忠於研究，而研究的定義（在我們的工作中）就是控制和預測。

Study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict.

研究現象是為了明確控制和預測的原因。

And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability.

而現在，我的控制和預測任務已經找到了答案，那就是生活的方式就是脆弱。

And to stop controlling and predicting.

並停止控制和預測。

This led to

這導致了

a little breakdown (audience laughs)

小結

which actually looked more like this -

其實看起來更像這樣

(more laughter)

（更多的笑聲）

And it led to what I called a breakdown and my therapist calling a "spiritual awakening."

它導致了我所謂的崩潰 我的治療師稱之為 "精神覺醒"

(more laughter)

（更多的笑聲）

Spiritual awakening sounds good but I assure you it was a breakdown.

精神覺醒聽起來不錯，但我向你保證這是一個崩潰。

I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

我只好把資料收起來，去找治療師。

And let me tell you something, you know who you are when you call you friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?"

讓我告訴你一些事情，你知道你是誰 當你打電話給你的朋友，並說， "我想我需要看到的人。你有什麼建議嗎？"

Because about five of my friends were like, "Woooh I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (uproars of laughter)

因為大約有五個我的朋友都喜歡， "Woooh我不會想成為你的治療師。"（起鬨的笑聲）

"What is that?" "You know, I'm just sayin'- don't bring your measuring stick." (more laughter from audience)

"那是什麼？" "你知道，我只是說 - 不要把你的測量棒。" （更多的笑聲從觀眾）

(continues to laugh). And so I found a therapist.

（繼續笑）： 於是我找到了一個治療師。

And in my first meeting with her, Diana, I brought in my list of how the wholehearted live.

而在我與她戴安娜的第一次見面中，我帶來了我的清單，全心全意的人如何生活。

And she sat down and said, "How are you?"

她坐下來，說："你怎麼樣？"

And I said, "I'm okay, I'm great." And she said, "well what's going on?"

我說，"我沒事，我很好。"她說，"嗯，這是怎麼回事？"

And this is a therapist who sees therapists because we have to go to those because their B.S. meters are good.

而這是一個看病的治療師，因為我們必須去找那些治療師，因為他們的B.S.表好。

(laughter)

（笑聲）

And so I said, "here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "what's the struggle?"

所以我說，"事情是這樣的，我在掙扎。"她說，"什麼是鬥爭？"

And I said, "I have a vulnerability issue."

我說，"我有一個漏洞問題。"

And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness

我知道脆弱是羞恥和恐懼的核心，也是我們為價值而奮鬥的核心。

but that it's also the birth place of joy, creativity, belonging, love

但它也是快樂、創造力、歸屬感、愛的誕生地。

and I think I have a problem and I need some help."

我想我有一個問題，我需要一些幫助。"

"But here's the thing, no family stuff, no childhood shit, (audience laughs), I just need some strategies. (more laughter)

"但是是這樣的，沒有家庭的東西，沒有童年的東西，（觀眾笑），我只是需要一些策略。(更多的笑聲)

Thank you.

謝謝你了

So then she goes like this [nods head up and down].

於是她就這樣[上下點頭]。

"It's bad right?" And she said, "it's neither good nor bad."

"這是壞的吧？"她說："既不好也不壞。"

(laughter) It just is what it is.

(笑聲)它就是這樣的。

And I said, "Oh my God, this is gonna SUCK!" (laughter)

我說，"哦，我的上帝，這是要去吸！"（笑聲）

And it did and it didn't. And it took about a year.

它做到了，它沒有。 花了大約一年的時間。

And you know how there are people who when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important?

你知道有些人當他們意識到脆弱和溫柔很重要的時候，他們是怎麼做到的嗎？

A) That's not me and B) I don't even hang out with people like that. (audience laughs)

A）那不是我，B）我都不和這樣的人交往。（觀眾笑）

For me it was a year long street fight. (laughter)

對我來說，這是一個長達一年的街頭鬥爭。 (笑聲)

It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

這是一場硬碰硬的比賽。漏洞百出，我反擊。

I lost the fight but I won my life back.

我輸了，但我贏回了我的生活。

Then I went back into the research and spent the next few years really trying to understand what they, the "wholehearted", what the choices they were making

然後，我又回到了研究中，在接下來的幾年裡，我真正嘗試著去理解他們，"全心全意 "的人，他們的選擇是什麼？

and what are we doing with vulnerability? Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

以及我們對脆弱的態度是什麼？ 為什麼我們要如此掙扎？難道只有我一個人在與脆弱性作鬥爭嗎？

No.

不知道

So this is what I learned...

所以這是我學到的...

We numb vulnerability.

我們麻木脆弱。

When we're waiting for the call, when we're waiting...

當我們在等待電話，當我們在等待... ...

You know it was funny, on Wednesday I put something out on twitter and facebook that said, "how would you define vulnerability/what makes you feel vulnerable?"

你知道這很有趣，週三我在twitter和facebook上放了一些東西，說："你如何定義脆弱性/是什麼讓你感到脆弱？"

And in an hour and half I had 150 responses. Because you know I wanted to know...

而在一個半小時內，我有150個回覆。 因為你知道我想知道... ...

You know, what's out there?

你知道，外面有什麼？

"Having to ask my husband for help cuz I'm sick and we're newly married."

"不得不向我的丈夫求助，因為我生病了，我們是新婚。"

"Initiating sex with my wife."

"主動和我老婆做愛"

"Initiating sex with my husband."

"主動和我丈夫做愛"

"Being turned down." "Asking someone out."

"被拒絕了""約人出去"

"Waiting for the doctor to call back." "Getting laid off."

"等待醫生回電。""失業了。"

"Laying off people."

"裁員"。

This is the world we live in.

這就是我們生活的世界。

We live in a vulnerable world.

我們生活在一個脆弱的世界裡。

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

而我們對付它的方法之一就是麻木脆弱。

And I think there's evidence. And it's not the only reason this evidence exists but it's a huge cause.