where the big winner was once again Donald Trump.

And that makes me so happy, because, uh, you never know

what's going to happen when Trump gets to talk.

For instance, last night, his victory speech

somehow ended up, uh, with a Secret Service agent

guarding a table of wine and steak.

That is a real thing that happened last night.

A Secret Service agent was guarding food.

So how did we get here? Well, it started

when 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney

gave a speech last week pointing out

some of Trump's embarrassing business failures. And that

led to the best, classiest infomercial ever.

Mitt Romney got up and made a speech, uh, the other day.

He said, "The steak company." And we have Trump Steaks.

And by the way, if you want to take one,

we'll charge you about, what, 50 bucks a steak.

We sell water, and we have water.

And it's a very successful... you know,

it's a private little water company.

And I supply the water for all my places and it's good.

But it's very good.

Hmm.

$50 steak and very good water.

You sure know how to treat a lady.

So we've got Trump Water and we've got Trump Steaks.

Uh, how much would you pay for all of that?

Well, wait, don't answer yet.

Trump Airline. Well, I sold the airline.

And I actually made a great deal.

Trump Magazine, this comes out, and it's called

The Jewel of Palm Beach, and we...

It's all... goes to all of my clubs.

I've had it for many years, and it's...

The magazine is great. Anybody want one? Here, take one.

Donald Trump would make a great Jehovah's Witness,

wouldn't he? "Have you read about the...

(stammering) "Take one, take one.

Yeah. Yeah, whatever. See you in hell. Whatever."

Just-just to remind you, this is an acceptance speech

for a Republican presidential candidate!

Now, some of the ha... the haters out there

might be saying, "Oh, well, how am I gonna make it through

"a Trump presidency? I'm literally going to have

to be drunk every single day."

Well, once again, Trump's got you covered.

And by the way, the winery, you see the wine.

'Cause he mentioned Trump Vodka.

It's the largest winery on the East Coast.

I own it 100%. No mortgage, no debt.

You can all check. You just have to go check the records, folks.

In fact, the press, I'm asking you, please check.

Well, uh, Mr. Trump, if you insist.

To check it out, we go live

to Senior Political Correspondent Jordan Klepper,

-people! -(cheering and applause)

Jordan, Trump clearly challenged the media to check his claims.

Uh, so what did you do?

I (bleep) checked it, Trevor. (chuckles)

And right there on the Web site of the thing

he boasted he owned 100% of, it says that Trump Winery is...

But, Jordan, what kind of balls does it take to dare the press

to check something that is so untrue?

The kind of balls that gets sworn in next January.

But the winery is just the tip of this false-berg.

Take these Trump Steaks. Now, these are not Trump Steaks.

Because there is no such thing as Trump Steaks.

-But, Jordan, he called them Trump Steaks. -Well,

there used to be a thing called Trump Steaks back in 2007.

Trump used to sell them through The Sharper Image catalog.

I assume between the dog Segway

and the Ionic masturbation wand.

(laughter)

Well, who buys steaks at The Sharper Image?

Well, the jury is still out on that one, Trevor.

Because according to Sharper Image's then CEO, they

"literally sold almost no steaks."

(laughter, applause)

I'm no businessman, but that might have been a factor

in them being discontinued.

(laughter)

What is Donald Trump doing, Jordan?

-There's no wine, there's no steaks. -He's coasting

to the Republican nomination, that's what he's doing.

Let's just keep it rolling

because, like a midweek Chicago brunch,

steak and wine are just the appetizer.

How about the Trump magazine?

Let me guess. There's no such thing as Trump magazine.

Oh, see, there was a Trump magazine.

From 2007 to 2009, they published about ten issues.

Like this one, with its hard-hitting cover story

about champagne and tits.

-(laughter) -So if the magazine doesn't exist,

what did he hold up last night?

Well, Trevor, while claiming he was holding Trump magazine,

his Trump brain accidentally told us the truth.

It was a different magazine.

We have Trump magazine.

It's called The Jewel of Palm Beach.

(laughter)

Jewel of Palm Beach

is basically the brochure for Trump's resorts.

It's like if SkyMall (bleep) a Chinese takeout menu

and gave birth to an ad for a topless Brazilian steakhouse.

-(laughter) -Wow. Okay, so, basically,

all of Trump's claims of business success?

They're crap. They're just crap, all right?

Trump Airlines went (bleep).

The business defaulted and was sold off.

Trump Water is just generic bottled water

he slapped his name on.

Trump University is a joke.

I mean, I spent all night looking into this stuff.

And spoiler alert-- it's all bull(bleep).

-(laughter) -Wow! Wow!

That is fantastic work, Jordan. It really is. I mean...

-Yeah. All of it. -(cheers and applause)

Great job on that.

Um, oh, but real quick, um, since we're fact-checking...

-Yeah. -Since we're fact-checking,

what about Trump's trade policies or his tax plan?

Oh, Trevor, look, yes, those are all very important,

but I have only had time to deal with the bull(bleep)

-that's literally on this table. -(laughter)

I'm in over my head, and to be honest with you,

I'm feeling a bit light-headed.

Jordan, did you have some of that Trump Wine?

Yeah, and I... I chased it with some Trump clams.

-(laughter) -Don't think those were clams.