"LATE SHOW" THEME )

>> FROM NEW YORK,

THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORL,

IT'S THE "LATE SHOW" WITH

DAVID LETTERMAN.

TONIGHT...

PLUS PAUL SHAFFER AND THE

CBS ORCHESTRA.

AND NOW, MILLIONAIRE GERM

FREAK, DAVID LETTERMAN!

Captioning sponsored by

WORLDWIDE PANTS and CBS

IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL

THAT FELL THROUGH BECAUSE IT

WAS A VERY COMPLICATED DEAL,

IT WOULD HAVE ACCEPT RANDY

JOHNSON TO THE YANKEES, THREE

PITCHERS TO ARIZONA, AND ME TO

THE TONIGHT SHOW.TMAS

MORNING AND FINDS A SPREELS

UNDER BILL.

A A SURPRISE UNDER BILL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO 700 DAYS.

FOR THE NEXT 90 MINUTES I'M

GOING TO TELL YOU SOME STORIES

ABOUT MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY

THAT I THINK WILL BE AMUSING --.

>> Dave: BILLY, HI.

HI, BILLY.

>> DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

>> Dave: IT THINK YOU'RE ON

THE WRONG THEATER.

>> OH, I WAS WONDERING WHY I

WAS FREEZING MY ASS OFF.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: I THINK YOU'RE

ACTUALLY DOWN THE STREET.

>> WE'RE ON 44th STREET, WHICH

BRINGS UP A POINT DAVE, THAT'S

EXACTLY WHY I CAME HERE.

BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WAS

HERE, I PERSONALLY INVITED YOU,

AND HIM, I FORGOT HIS NAME, TO

MY OPENING NIGHT, AND YOU SAID

YOU WERE GOING TO COME, DID

YOU SAY THAT DIDN'T YOU?

>> Dave: YES, DAY, DAY SAY

THAT.

>> AND DID YOU COME TO THE

SHOW?

>> Dave: NO.

>> NO, WHAT.

>> Dave: NO, I DIDN'T COME TO

YOUR SHOW.

>> AND ARE YOU GOING TO COME

TO THE SHOW?

>> Dave: YES, YES, I AM.

>> WILL YOU BRING HIM?

>> Dave: PAUL AND I WILL BE

THERE.

>> AND WHAT IS THE SHOW CALL?

>> Dave: BROADWAY BILLY'S

BROADWAY BIG TOP.

>> ALWAYS SO WITTY.

DID YOUR WRITERS WORK ON THAT

WITH YOU?

>> Dave: WELL, I CAME UP WITH

PART OF IT.

>> AND THE OTHER 12 DIVIDES

GOT THE REST OF IT.

>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT, HI A

LITTLE HELP SURE.

>> DAVE, THE CALLED THE SHOW

IS CALLED 700 SUNDAYS.

>> Dave: SURE.

700 SUNDAYS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK

HERE AGAIN.

>> Dave: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT,

NO, SIR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: BILLY CRYSTAL!

HOW ABOUT THAT BILLY CRYSTAL.

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Dave: VERY NICE OF BILLY TO

STOP BY, AND HE'S DOING HIS

PROGRAM AND IT'S SOLD OUT FOR

THE NEXT NINE YEARS OR HOWEVER

LONG THE RUN IS.

IT'S GOTTEN FANTASTIC REVIEWS

AND IT'S LIKE A ONE-MAN SHOW.

IT'S BILLY'S LIFE AND PEOPLE

LOVE IT.

WHEN HE WAS HERE BEFORE THE

THING OPENED, YOU AND I SAID

OF COURSE WE'LL BE THERE ON

OPENING NIGHT.

>> Paul: WE PROMISED HIM.

>> Dave: WE COULDN'T BE THERE

OPENING NIGHT.

WE HAD THINGS GOING ON.

I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

>> Paul: AND I WANTED TO WAIT

UNTIL YOU COULD COME.

>> Dave: BUT THE DEAL IS WE'RE

GOING FIRST OF THE YEAR.

WHEN WE'RE BACK AND READY TO

GO WE'LL BE OVER TO THE SHOW.

>> Paul: WE CAN'T VIEW THIS UP

THIS TIME, WE GOTTA SHOW UP.

>> Dave: NO, BECAUSE I DON'T

WANT HIM WALKING IN HERE ANY

MORE.

BUT HOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE SKIT

WITH BILLY CRYSTAL RIGHT OFF

THE BAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Paul: HE'S THE KING OF

BROADWAY, HE'S ABSOLUTELY THE

KING.

>> Dave: IT'S AT THE BROAD

HURST THEATER, WEST 44th

STREET, OPENED DECEMBER 5th,

ONE EVERY YEAR.

>> Dave: IT'S VERY CLOSE TO

CHRISTMAS, AND WE TRY TO DO

SOMETHING FESTIVE EACH DAY AS

WE GET CLOSER TO THE HOLIDAY,

AND TONIGHT I DON'T THINK

WE'VE DONE THIS IN A LONG

TIME.

IT'S SOMETHING CALLED THE LATE

SHOW NOG CAM.

NOG CAM.

ARE YOU READY FOR THE NOG CAM?

TURN IT ON, HERE IT IS.

( APPLAUSE )

>> THANKS, DAVE.

>> Dave: NOG.

LOOK AT THAT.

LATE SHOW NOG CAM.

THANKS, DAVE.

DAVE DORSET BY THE WAY, BEEN

WITH CBS 39 YEARS, THAT MAN

RIGHT THERE, CELEBRATING HIS

39th ANNIVERSARY WITH CBS.

( APPLAUSE )

CAN WE JUST LEAVE THAT IN

THERE LIKE THAT, DAVE?

>> WE COULD TAKE IT OUT IF

YOU'D LIKE.

>> Dave: LET'S LEAVE IT IN FOR

A WHILE AND SEE HOW TIRED WE

GROW OF IT.

I DON'T WANT TO CHASE PEOPLE

AWAY UNNECESSARILY, BUT IT'S

KIND OF NICE TO HAVE IT THERE,

DON'T YOU THINK?

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE...

( LAUGHTER )

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE TV!

I LIKE THAT.

REMEMBER THEY USED TO HAVE

BEER COMMERCIALS AND THEY

WOULD USE JOHN WAYNE, THEY

WOULD GET JOHN WAYNE, OLD JOHN

WAYNE MOVIES AND HE WOULD BE

IN BEER COMMERCIALS, WOULDN'T

BE THE REAL JOHN WAYNE BECAUSE

HE HAD PASSED AWAY, BUT THEY'D

GET HIS WORK IN FILM AND PUT

IT IN A BEER COMMERCIAL.

NOW THEY'VE DONE THE SAME

THING WITH STEVE McQUEEN, HE

COMES OUT OF A CORN FIELD AND

HOPS IN A BRAND NEW FORD

MUSTANG AND HE E DRIVES LIKE

HE DROVE THE CAR IN BULLETS,

THE BIG CHASE SCENE.

SO THEY USE THESE LATE DEAD

MOVIE STARS, AND NOW, I DON'T

KNOW IF I SHOULD BE UPSET OR

FLATTERED BY THIS.

WELL, SOME THINGS HAPPEN AND I

JUST SAW IT THE OTHER DAY, AND

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT

IT.

>> Paul: REALLY?

>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW IF THE

NORTH OG CAM IS GOING TO

INTERFERE.

THIS SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

WATCH. THIS.

>> IF YOUR RELAXING MOMENT

TURNS INTO THE RIGHT MOMENT,

WILL YOU BE READY?

INTRODUCING CIALIS, THE FIRST

TABLET FOR ERECTILE

DYSFUNCTION THAT GIVES YOU UP

TO 36 HOURS...

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: NOW, THE DIFFERENCE

THERE IS OF COURSE I'M NOT

DEAD.

I'M NOT DEAD.

BUT IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

>> Paul: OH, RIGHT.

>> Dave: FIRST OF ALL, THERE

WAS THE TROUBLE WITH THE

VIOXX.

I CAN REMEMBER LIKE YEARS AND

YEARS AGO, OH NO NO TAKE THE

VIOXX, THEY SAID NO, YOU

BETTER NOT TAKE THE VIOXX

BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST DROP DEAD

ONE DAY, THEN IT WAS CELEBREX

AND EVERYBODY SAID TAKE THE

CELEBREX IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE

VIOXX, NO NO NO, THAT STUFF

WILL KILL YOU NOW TOO MUCH SO

BECAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS,

THEY SAID WELL HOW ABOUT A

NONPRESCRIPTION, TRY THE

ALEVE.

NO NO.

SO BECAUSE ALL OF THESE

MEDICINES THAT WE CAN'T TAKE,

HERE IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM THE F.D.A..

WATCH THIS.

>> DUE TO THE NEWLY DISCOVERED

RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH VARIOUS

MEDICATIONS, THE F.D.A. NOW

RECOMMENDS THAT AMERICANS WITH

ANY ILLNESS OR JURY SIMPLY LIE

DOWN AND TRY TO EVENTUALLY GET

BETTER WITHOUT MEDICINE.

A COOL WASH CLOTH MAY BE

PLACED ON THE FOREHEAD.

GOOD LUCK, AMERICA.

A MESSAGE FROM THE F.D.A..

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: PUT A LITTLE MORE IN

THERE, DAVE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD.

( APPLAUSE )

EVERY DUMB GUY IN AMERICA IS

AT HOME DOING THIS TO HIS SET.

( LAUGHTER )

LOOK WHAT I HAVE HERE, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, SOME BRAND NEW

HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS!

( APPLAUSE )

♪ HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS ♪.

HOLIDAY CARDS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: THIS I GOTTA SEE.

YOU COULD PUT THE CARD UP IN

THAT, IN THE UPPER LEFT.

>> Dave: OH, THIS CAMERA DOES

NOT HAVE THE NOG CAM.

WE'RE SAVED.

OH, THANK GOD.

HOLIDAY CARDS, HERE'S OUR

FIRST CARD, I WENT DOWN TO THE

BOUGHT A FISTFUL OF CARDS,

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SUCH

THESE.

THIS ONE SAYS

( APPLAUSE )

THIS, BY THE WAY, THIS

TECHNOLOGY RIGHT HEREIES THE

TREFS WORLD IS ENVIOUS OF US.

THINGS LIKE THE NOG CAM.

THIS IS WHY WE'RE HATED AROUND

THE WORLD.

THEY DON'T HAVE THE KIND OF

BRAIN POWER IT TAKES TO COME

UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

AND THEY SEE THAT WE'RE HAVING

ALL THE FUN IN THE WORLD AND

THEY RESENT THAT. NARROW

MINDED, DOESN'T IT?

( APPLAUSE )

GOT ANY MORE NOG, DAVE?

ALL RIGHT, TOP IT OFF.

A SHRILL SPLASH.

DAVE, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC BY THE

WAY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Dave: OH, WAIT A MICHIGAN,

YOU'VE GONE CRAZY!