EVERYBODY FEELING ALL RIGHT TONIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I AM FEELING FINE, BECAUSE ON

TUESDAY, THIS HAPPENED WITH HELEN MIRREN.

♪ (APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT!

THAT IS DAME HELEN MIRREN, SO TECHNICALLY, THAT MAKES ME A

KNIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THEN JUST YESTERDAY WITH THE

GREAT SALLY FIELD, THIS HAPPENED.

♪ (APPLAUSE)

SO IT HAS BEEN AN EVENTFUL WEEK FOR MY FACE.

FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

THESE WERE BOTH GREAT MADE-FOR-TV MOMENTS, AND WHEN I

GOT HOME, MADE-FOR-AWKWARD SILENCE MOMENTS.

ACTUALLY, MY WIFE IS COOL WITH IT.

WE TALKED IT OVER AND AGREED SHE IS FREE TO MAKE OUT WITH

GENTLEMAN ACTOR OF A CERTAIN AGE.

I SUGGESTED IAN MCKELLAN AND SHE SUGGESTED PAUL RUDD.

HE'S 70.

MY WIFE TOLD ME HE'S 70.

AND I JUST WANT TO STATE, ON RECORD, THAT BOTH THOSE KISSES

WERE GREAT BUT DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING, WHICH IS WHY I AM NOT

HURT THAT NEITHER OF THOSE WOMEN CALLED THE NEXT DAY.

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

THEY'VE CALLED BECAUSE I HAVE NOT CHECKED MY PHONE SINCE I

CAME OUT HERE.

NOPE.

NOTHING.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, MEREDITH?

>> I'M GOOD.

SUPER CROWD.

>> Stephen: SUPER NICE CROWD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU THINK

OF THOSE LADIES KISSING ME THIS WEEK?

DID YOU THINK THAT WAS APPROPRIATE?

>> I THOUGHT HELEN MIRREN'S WAS VERY TENDER.

>> Stephen: IT WAS.

IT STARTED OFF TENDER THEN GOT VERY, VERY HOT HALFWAY THROUGH.

>> IT FELT LIKE WE SHOULDN'T BE SEEING IT, LIKE IT WAS PERSONAL.

AND SALLY FIELD WENT FOR IT.

>> Stephen: SALLY FIELD DEFINITELY WENT FOR IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY "TONGUE" BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN

PROVE IT.

(LAUGHTER) >> YEAH.

WELL, I MEAN, IF THE REVERSE HAPPENED --

>> Stephen: IF I WENT ON, IF A MAN WENT ON.

>> LIKE AN ACTOR OF A CERTAIN AGE WENT ON --

>> Stephen: LIKE A 70-YEAR-OLD MAN --

>> YEAH, WENT ON AND KISSED ONE TO HAVE THE MANY LATE NIGHT TALK

SHOW HOSTS, I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WOULD HAVE GONE OVER.

>> Stephen: I THINK ALL OFO THE FEMALE TALK SHOW SHOWS WOULD

HAVE BEEN MAD ABOUT IT.

I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY ALL WALKED OFF THE JOB.