Late Show with David Letterman - Sarah Jessica Parker 12/2005 (Late Show with David Letterman - Sarah Jessica Parker 12/2005)

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WITH US TONIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
( APPLAUSE )
VERY FUNNY.
IF I WOULD JUST TAKE A SECOND
HERE, I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
I DON'T THINK YOU'VE SEEN
THIS.
MAYBE YOU HAVE.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE KIND OF
HANDICAP I'M WORKING WITH HERE
TONIGHT.
I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT TO
YOU NOW.
IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR HAVE A
HYPER SENSITIVITY THEN YOU
SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM
IMMEDIATELY.
LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T?
ALL RIGHT.
BRING THAT RIGHT IN HERE.
CAN YOU BRING IT RIGHT IN
HERE.
BRING IT RIGHT IN HERE.
>> Paul: WHAT HAVE WE GOT
HERE?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT IS THAT?
THAT IS A GASH WITH STITCHES
IN IT?
HOW DID YOU GET THAT?
>> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO BORE
YOU WITH THE ENTIRE STORY BUT
IT STARTED BY ME SAYING AS IT
ALWAYS DOES, "OH, I CAN FIX
THAT."
( APPLAUSE )
FOUR STITCHES.
IT IS DEEP.
LOOK AT HOW DEEP THAT THING
WAS.
IT WAS JUST WIDE OPEN.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THROUGH
THE MEAT CASE AT THE....
>> Paul: AT GALLAGHER'S.
>> Dave: YEAH, AT GALLAGHER'S.
LOOK, I WANT YOU TO NOTICE
THERE'S NO INFECTION.
IT'S NOT RED.
IT'S NOT THROBBING.
IT'S A NICE, CLEAN JOB.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE
FINE.
>> Paul: IT'S A DOUBLE GASH
THERE.
A DOUBLE GASH.
WERE YOU WORKING WITH A TRACK
2 RAZOR?
>> Dave: I HAD A THING.
IT WAS LIKE A PARING KNIFE.
THIS IS WHY I KNOW CERTAIN
ELEMENTS OF MY FAMILY ARE
TRYING TO KILL ME.
BECAUSE THE KNIVES OR AS WE
SAY AT THE HOUSE THE CUTLERY
HAD BEEN SHARPENED.
THEY TAKE IT OUT SOME PLACE.
THEY GET IT SUPER SHARPENED.
THEN IT WAS RETURNED TO THE
HOUSE.
NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL DADDY.
"DON'T TELL DADDY."
SO I WAS MONKEYING WITH THE
THING.
I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT.
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ZOOM,.
>> Paul: RIGHT IN THERE.
>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?
WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW ON
TELEVISION RIGHT NOW HAS A
STITCH WOUND THAT'S DOING A
SHOW?
ANYBODY?
NOBODY!
( APPLAUSE )
NOBODY!
EVER CUT YOURSELF IN THE
RUPERT G WITH SOME OF THE HIGH-
POWERED MEAT SAWS YOU USE.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: WOW.
THAT MUST BE A STORY THERE.
KIND OF TELLS IT SELF, DOESN'T
IT?
RUPERT, TELL PEOPLE WHY YOU
HAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE
HOLIDAY SWEATER ON TONIGHT.
>> WHY?
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER.
THE CONTESTANT WHO I'M GOING
TO PICK LATER IS SUPPOSED TO
TOUCH IT RIGHT HERE.
>> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN IN
TROUBLE FOR THAT BEFORE,
HAVEN'T YOU, RUPERT?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO STEP IN AND
TOUCH THE BULGE.
IN ESSENCE THEY'LL JUST GROPE
YOU.
THEY'LL GET 30 SECONDS TO
GROPE YOU TO TRY AND DETERMINE
WHAT ITEM IS UNDER THE HOLIDAY
SWEATER.
IS THAT CORRECT?
>> THAT'S CORRECT, DAVE.
>> Dave: DO ME A FAVOR.
BOY, I COULD GO FOR A KITKAT.
HE'S DOING SOME SCHTICK.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW MANY
OF YOU FOLKS HAVE SEEN THE GAY
COW BOY MOVIE?
(NO APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: DON'T ASK, DON'T
TELL.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS ABOUT.
>> Dave: IT'S A TREMENDOUS
MOVIE.
IT'S THIS ANG LEE, GRITTY AND
BEAUTIFULLY DONE AND A TENDER
LOVE STORY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.
THE COWBOYS GET UP BRIGHT AND
EARLY.
THEY DO ALL THEIR RANCH WORK
AND SADDLE UP AND THEY GO OUT
AND RUSTLE UP THE CATTLE AND
BRAND THEM AND ROPE THEM.
THEY CHASE DOWN THE LITTLE
DOGGIES.
AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY
COME BACK TO THE BUNK HOUSE
AND SIT ON THEIR BUNKS AND
THEY KISS.
THAT'S THE MOVIE.
>> Paul: I'M NOT SURE... GO
AHEAD.
>> Dave: THAT IS THE MOVIE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING MEN KISS,
THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.
REALLY, IT IS.
PEOPLE ARE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE
THEY'RE SAYING, YOU KNOW, THIS
IS THE FIRST GAY COW BOY
MOVIE.
NOT SO.
>> Paul: REALLY?
>> Dave: NOT SO.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST GAY COW
BOY MOVIE.
TAKE A LOOK.
>>.
>> OVER HERE.
WE GOT A LOT OF CATTLE HERE ON
THE PONDEROSA.
WE'D BE IN TROUBLE.
>> I KNOW THAT.
>> THE NEXT TIME YOU JUST GO
AROUND.
YOU HEAR?
>> Dave: BONANZA.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
BONANZA.
( APPLAUSE )
LITTLE JOE AND HOSS.
OKAY.
THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT, PAUL.
THAT'S FINE.
AND NOW... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OKAY.
>> Paul: SO CHEAP.
>> Dave: THANK YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO MESS
AROUND.
WE GO RIGHT TO WORK.
LET'S GO BACK INTO RUPERT'S TO
PLAY WHAT'S UNDER THE HOLIDAY
SWEATER.
♪ COME ON TELL OUR
HOME VIEWERS WHAT THE SECRET
ITEM IS TONIGHT.
>> DAVE, IT'S A SUBWAY TOASTED
CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.
>> Dave: OKAY.
RUPERT, CAN YOU COME OUT FROM
BEHIND THE THING THERE SO SHE
CAN GET A GOOD GRIP ON YOU.
ALAN, WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.
>> DAVE IT'S A WATER PICK
SHOWER HEAD.
>> Dave: TRACY, YOU HAVE 30
SECONDS.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT UP THE
CLOCK TO IDENTIFY BY GROPING
RUPERT, TELL US WHAT IS UNDER
THE FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.
ARE YOU READY?
>> I GUESS SO.
>> Dave: START THE CLOCK AND
GO CRAZY.
HERE WE ARE.
>> I JUST START FEELING?
>> Dave: YEAH.
YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR INTERNIST,
RUPERT.
>> IT'S SQUISHY.
>> Dave: YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS
LEFT.
>> OUCH!
>> Dave: OKAY.
FIVE SECONDS, TRACY.
>> MEAT.
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT.
THERE IS THE TIME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL FOR
YOUR ANSWER.
WHAT IS UNDERSTAND RUPERT'S
FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.
>> SOME TYPE OF MEAT.
>> Dave: LET ME TALK TO THE
JUDGES.
I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER
BECAUSE IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
CONGRATULATIONS, TRACY.
YOU ARE THE WINNER.
RUPERT, SHOW HER WHAT THE
SECRET ITEM IS AND WAS.
IT'S A SUBMARINE SANDWICH FROM
SUBWAY.
CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A GAY COW
BOY.
>> Dave: YOU LIKE GREAT.
BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE
SEEN YOU.
HAS IT BEEN.
>> IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL ON MY
PART.
>> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN VERY
BUSY.
>> NOR ON YOURS.
>> Dave: WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU
HERE EVERY NIGHT.
YOU LOOK REALLY....
>> SURE.
ONCE I PUT THE BABY TO BED I'M
ALL YOURS, DAVE.
>> Dave: GOOD NEWS FOR DAD.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
IT'S BRUNETTE NOW, ISN'T IT?
>> YES, IT'S AT LAST MY
NATURAL COLOR.
>> Dave: BEAUTIFUL.
>> AS MATTHEW SAID, AS GOD
INTENDED.
>> Dave: VERY NICE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: YOU JUST DECIDED TO
DO THIS.
IS THERE A REASON FOR IT?
>> IT WASN'T ANYTHING LIKE A
LOT OF, YOU KNOW, LABOROUS
THINKING WENT INTO IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST THOUGHT I'LL LET IT
GROW OUT.
MAYBE I'LL APPEAR MORE
SUBSTANTIAL OR I'LL BE TAKEN
MORE SERIOUSLY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, MAN.
>> Dave: IT LOOKS NICE.
VERY NICE.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME IT WAS
THE ORIGINAL COLOR?
>> MAYBE ON THE TIME OF A
LITTLE SHOW CALLED SQUARE
PEGS.
I LIKE TAKING WALKS, YOU KNOW,
LITTLE WALKS DOWN MEMORY LANE.
>> Dave: WHO DOESN'T, FOR
HEAVEN'S SAKE?
YOU COULDN'T LOOK LOVELIER.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: BY THE WAY HOW IS
YOUR LITTLE SON.
>> DIVINE.
HOW IS YOUR LITTLE SON.
>> Dave: VERY NICE.
YOUR BOY IS THREE OR SOMETHING,
RIGHT?
>> I THINK HE'S MAYBE A
HE'S CHALLENGING AND■ HILARIOUS
AND HE'S VERY OBSESSED RIGHT
NOW WITH THE BEATLES.
HE THINKS ABOUT THE BEATLES A
LOT.
WHO HE'D LIKE TO BE AND WHY
CERTAIN THINGS HAPPEN DURING
THE COURSE OF THE YELLOW
SUBMARINE.
YOU KNOW, WHY DO PEOPLE TURN
INTO STATUES.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT HE
THINKS ABOUT.
HE DRESSES LIKE A BEATLES.
>> Dave: IS THIS BECAUSE OF
THE CARTOON, THE YELLOW
SUBMARINE?
>> I TUGHT IT WOULD BE A
MILD DIVERSION.
IT'S FAIRLY OKAY THING.
YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW,
USE THE TELEVISION AS A
BABY-SITTER.
>> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY NOT?
I'D HAVE NOBODY WATCHING IF IT
WEREN'T FOR THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> ANYWAY, YEAH, SO HE WATCHED
THE YELLOW SUBMARINE, THE
ANIMATED.
THAT REALLY KIND OF
REVOLUTIONARY AND I...
ANIMATION WHICH IS AMAZING TO
SEE.
HE REALLY BECAME OBSESSED
WHICH WAS REALLY THE TIMING
WAS REALLY FORTUITOUS BECAUSE
HE WAS ABOUT TO START SCHOOL.
HE WOULD ONLY WEAR PAJAMAS FOR
THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS PRIOR TO
STARTING SCHOOL.
I SAID IT'S COOL.
LESSER MEN HAVE DONE IT.
AND IT WORKED.
OUT IN THE WORLD I THOUGHT IT
WAS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE BUT
ACTUALLY IT TOOK HIM TO GET
HIS FALL SCHOOL SHOES THIS
YEAR AND I TOOK HIM TO A
PRETTY LARGE TRADITIONAL
CHILDREN'S SHOE STORE.
HE WAS WEARING HIS PAJAMAS.
IT WAS ABOUT 4:00 IN THE
AFTERNOON.
JUST NEAR COCKTAIL TIME.
AND TWO SIX-YEAR-OLDS STARTED
RIDICULING HIM.
BUT I SAW IT REGISTER.
I MEAN I ACTUALLY SAW BECAUSE
HE LOOKED FOR ME TO REASSURE
HIM.
SO I BROUGHT HIM HOME AND I
SAID TO MATTHEW I THINK IT'S
TIME FOR THAT CONVERSATION.
BASICALLY MATTHEW SAID, LOOK,
YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T ABOUT
CONFORMING.
WE WANT YOU TO BE, LET YOUR
FREE FLAG FLY.
>> Dave: LET YOUR FREAK FLAG
FLY.
>> BUT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT THERE WILL BE CHILDREN IN
SCHOOL AND MOST CHILDREN....
>> Dave: SMALL MINDED.
>> NARROW MINDED LITTLE
PEOPLE.
AND THEY'LL PROBABLY BE
WEARING WHAT'S CONSIDERED
STANDARD CLOTHING OPTIONS.
OWE AND THE OTHER THING IS HE
LIKED GOING COMMANDO
FREESTYLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> Dave: NO.
WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT DO YOU
MEAN COMMANDO.
>> HE PREFERRED TO BE WITHOUT
BRIEFS.
HE'S BEEN POTY TRAINED FOR
QUITE A WHILE, DAVE.
TOOK TO IT.
ALL YOU NEED IS A JELLY BEAN.
>> Dave: WHERE DO YOU PUT IT?
>> ANYWAY... RIGHT WHERE YOU
THINK.
>> Dave: THIS RAISES A COUPLE
INTERESTING QUESTIONS.
IF YOU CAN POTY TRAIN HIM
SUCCESSFULLY AT AN EARLY AGE,
HOW IS IT THAT FOR EIGHT
MONTHS YOU WEARS NOTHING BUT
PAJAMAS.
>> HE SAID THEY ARE
PARTICULARLY COMFORTABLE AND
THEY DO NOT PRESS ON MY
STOMACH AND I COULDN'T ARGUE.
IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS, I'D BE
IN A HOUSE COAT ALL DAY.
I'M SERIOUS.
OR A MOO-MOO.
SO I REALLY COULDN'T ARGUE
WITH HIM HONESTLY BECAUSE I
REALLY THOUGHT THIS IS ABOUT
HIS INDEPENDENCE, ABOUT HIM
ASSERTING HIS OWN EGO AND ALL
THAT.
YOU KNOW, THE CHILD
DEVELOPMENT STUFF THAT YOU
READ ABOUT THAT YOU WANT TO
ENCOURAGE LIKE THEIR OWN....
>> Dave: DON'T WANT TO SQUASH
IT.
>> DON'T WANT TO SQUASH IT,
MAN.
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
IT'S SO IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO
INDULGE THOSE PARTICULAR
PECULIARS ABOUT HIM WHICH I
FIND SO CHARMING.
HE REALLY DID LOOK SO GREAT IN
PAJAMAS.
HIS LITTLE FIGURE.
>> Dave: ARE THESE THE PHOTOS.
>> THIS IS THE DAY HE
DISCOVERED JEANS.
I CAME DOWNSTAIRS.
HE HAD MOVED INTO ONLY BELL
BOTTOMS LIKE RINGO.
HE FIRST LIKED RINGO.
WE WERE, OH, DEAR.
THEN HE MOVED ON TO THE MORE
SERIOUS ONES.
WE WERE SO RELIEVED.
SO HE SAID TO ME ONE DAY HE
PREFERS THAT I WEAR JEANS TO A
DRESS BECAUSE I THINK HE
THINKS A DRESS MEANS I'M GOING
OUT.
SO HE SAID TO ME, "MA, WHY ARE
YOU WEARING JEANS?
WHY DO YOU LIKE JEANS?
THEY'RE ALL PURPOSE.
THEY'RE MADE OF GOOD MATERIAL.
THEY'RE EVERY MAN.
HE SAID I WOULD LIKE JEANS TOO
NOW.
I SAID, JAMES, I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR THIS DAY.
LET'S GO UP TO YOUR BEDROOM.
I HAVE A STACK OF THEM.
HE PUT THEM ON.
THIS IS HIM POSING IN HIS
JEANS.
HE'S LITERALLY LIKE THIS IS
WHEN HE FIRST SAW IT, THIS IS
KIND OF MY FAVORITE BECAUSE HE
CAN'T WALK BY ANY REFLECTIVE
MATERIAL WITHOUT LOOKING AT
HIMSELF.
THAT'S THE TAG.
HE'S LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE
GARBAGE CAN.
HE WAS ROCKIN'.
HE WAS SO DRUNK WITH HIS OWN...
HIGH ON HIS OWN....
>> Dave: PRESENCE, BEING,
ENERGY.
>> THEY'RE DARLING.
THEY WERE A LITTLE BIG FOR A
WHILE BUT THIS IS ABOUT TWO
MONTHS AGO.
>> Dave: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND WAS
HERE A COUPLE OF... ABOUT A
MONTH AGO OR WHATEVER IT WAS,
HE ALSO DID AN IMPRESSION OF
YOUR SON TALKING.
YOU HAVE DONE AN IMPRESSION OF
YOUR SON TALKING.
>> ARE THEY RADICALLY
DIFFERENT.
>> Dave: THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH A
CARBON COPY.
HE HAS AN INTERESTING SPEECH
PATTERN, DOESN'T HE?
>> YEAH.
SOMEBODY SAID IT SOUNDS LIKE
HE'S FROM A MOVIE IN THE '30s.
I SAID THAT'S HOW WE TALK AT
HOME.
IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING,
DARLING.
YEAH, HE HAS, I DON'T KNOW,
YEAH, HE'S LIKE HE SAYS THINGS
LIKE PAPA I WOULD LIKE TO GO
FOR AN EVENING STROLL NOW.
OR MAMA, I WOULD PREFER IF YOU
PUT THAT... PUT YOUR ROBE BACK
ON.
I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF BROCCOLI.
YOU KNOW, HE HAS A FUNNY EAR.
BUT IT'S HUMOROUS TO US.
I HOPE IT DOESN'T ISOLATE HIM
IN SCHOOL LATER LIKE IF YOU
SOUNDS LIKE CAGNEY.
>> Dave: I THINK IT WAS ABOUT
TIME TO GET HIM OUT OF THE
PAJAMAS.
THAT'S A GOOD MOVE.
>> LUCKILY AT NIGHT IT'S STILL
TOTALLY OKAY.
GOOD FOR YOU.
GOOD FOR YOU. THE GUN.
>> Dave: NOT ANYTHING LIKE
THAT.
>> NO.
>> Dave: SPEAKING OF THINGS
THAT SMELL, EVER SINCE YOU'VE
BEEN ON THE SHOW I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN TAKEN HOW LOVELY THE
FRAGRANCE THAT YOU WAFTS OVER
US WHEN YOU ARRIVE.
NOW YOU HAVE YOUR OWN, IS THAT
RIGHT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUFF.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Dave: WHAT'S THE NAME OF
IT.
>> IT'S CALLED LOVELY.
>> Dave: VERY NICE.
IS IT PERFUME AND OTHER
THINGS?
>> IT'S FRAG RESIDENCE.
THERE'S BODY LOTION AND BUTTER
AND A WONDERFUL GIFT FOR THE
HOLIDAYS.
>> Dave: WHAT WAS THE LAST
ONE.
>> DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT SHEA BUTTER IS.
THAT'S A MORE PENETRATING,
DEEPER MORE VISCOSITYY BODY
CREAM THAT LEAVES JUST A TOUCH
OF SHINE.
IT SMELLS REAL NICE.
>> Dave: CAN YOU USE THAT ON
YOUR BAZOOKA?
.
OH, GOD.
>> THIS IS WHAT IS INTERESTING
ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR
FRAGRANCE AND ALL THE PRODUCTS
THAT ARE A PART OF THE LINE IS
YOU CAN USE THEM ON WHATEVER
BODY PART YOU WANT.
IT'S STILL A FREE COUNTRY,
DAVE, DESPITE PEOPLE'S BEST
EFFORTS.
>> Dave: BUT DOES IT SMELL
LIKE YOU SMELL RIGHT NOW?
>> YES, I'M WEARING IT AT THIS
MOMENT.
>> Dave: TREMENDOUS.
HOW DID YOU PICK IT OUT?
>> IT'S SUBLIMINAL.
MAKING SALES.
>> Dave: HOW DID YOU MAKE
THOSE CHOICES IN.
>> I HAD BEEN MAKING A
CONCOCTION OF MY OWN FOR A
NUMBER OF YEARS.
ONE DAY I ACTUALLY SAID TO
MATTHEW, "YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A
LITTLE BIT TO DO WITH THIS
PARTICULAR FRAGRANCE."
I'LL GET TO THAT.
ANYWAY SO I WAS MIXING IT AND
ONE DAY I SAID TO MATTHEW.
I HAD THIS DREAM.
I WANTED TO DO A FRAGRANCE.
I TOLD MATTHEW.
HE WASN'T, YOU KNOW, REALLY
OFFENDED BY THE IDEA.
HE WAS ACTUALLY QUITE
ENCOURAGING.
SO I PURSUED IT PROFESSIONALLY
OUTSIDE OF MY LABORATORY AT
HOME.
AND THEB... AND THEN LOW AND
BEHOLD WE WERE GOING TO DO A
PROPER ANNOUNCEMENT AS THESE
THINGS ARE DONE.
THEY HAVE A CAMPAIGN AND GREAT
THINKING MINDS GET TOGETHER
AND DECIDE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
A SYSTEM.
I WAS WATCHING YOUR SHOW ONE
NIGHT WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ON.
I WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT.
I DO.
AND I WAS SWEEPING IN A HOUSE
COAT.
AND YOU VERY KINDLY ASKED
ABOUT MY, YOU KNOW, HOW I WAS
DOING.
POLITE.
HE MENTIONED THAT I WAS
CREATING A FRAG RESIDENCE
WHICH WAS TOP SECRET.
FRANKLY I NEVER THINK THAT HE
HEARS ANYTHING I TELL HIM.
I PROBABLY AM VERY
UNINTERESTING BUT JUST
TRADITIONALLY MEN DON'T LISTEN
TO THEIR WIVES.
WHY SHOULD THEY.
>> Dave: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY
SHOULD THEY?
>> WE GO ON AND ON AND ON.
>> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S LOOFLY.
THAT'S GORGEOUS.
IT IS EGG SHAPED ISN'T IT.
>> IT IS EGG SHAPED.
THERE WERE SOME JOKES ABOUT IT
BEING EGG SHAPED.
THEN I JUST KEPT SCREAMING NO
AT THE TELEVISION.
IT WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
ANYWAY... CAREFUL.
>> Dave: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
>> YOU'RE ONLY GETTING THE
HIGH NOTES.
I WANTED THIS FRAG RESIDENCE
TOS LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE AS
OPPOSED TO WISHING YOU HAD
LESS.
>> Dave: BELIEVE ME, I DO WANT
MORE.
PERFECT NAME FOR THE
FRAGRANCE.
A LOVELY WOMAN.
VERY NICE.
>> Paul: LOVELY, LOVELY.
>> Dave: I WANTED TO SHOW HER
THIS.
>> Paul: WOMEN LOVE THAT.
>> Dave: EARLIER TONIGHT ALAN
COLTER OUR ANNOUNCER SAID DAVE
YOU HAVE EXTRA TIME TONIGHT.
I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE
TO DO FOR THE SHOW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE ARE
RUNNING A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT
SO WE HAVE SOME TIME.
SO, ALAN, WHATEVER IT IS
YOU'RE UP TO.
TAKE IT AWAY.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
ENJOY YOURSELF.
>> YOU MISERABLE, VINDICTIVE
BASTARD.
>> Dave: EXCUSE ME?
I'M SORRY.
>> DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME,
OLD MAN.
YOU KNEW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
DO ANOTHER EDITION OF ALAN
COLTER'S CELEBRITY TONIGHT.
HERE, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO
MY EXCLUSIVE GUEST?
HAVE YOU MET SARAH JESSICA
PARKER?
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU JUST STOLE HER.
SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO
INTERVIEW JIM (BEEP) BLUCHY
FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.
>> Dave: I'M SORRY.
( APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY, ALAN.
>> YEAH, I'M SORRY, ALAN.
LOOK AT HER.
LOOK AT HER.
I'M SURPRISED SHE'S STILL
CONSCIOUS AFTER SITTING THERE
LOOKING LISTENING TO YOUR
BORING BULL (BEEP) FOR TEN
MINUTES.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU COME IN
HERE EVERYDAY.
YOU MAKE YOUR STAFF MISERABLE
BUT ONLY A GRADE-AASS WOULD
DRAG HER INTO IT.
AM I RIGHT, SARAH?
AM I RIGHT?
>> I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> WELL, WELL, OF COURSE
YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.
WE ALL ARE WORKING WITH THAT
MISERABLE LYING (BEEP).
>> Dave: WOW.
MY GOD!
PAUL, WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO
BE MUSIC WHEN HE WALKED OFF
LIKE THAT?
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE HAD SOME
MUSIC I THOUGHT THERE WAS
THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MUSIC.
>> Paul: NO THERE WASN'T
SUPPOSED TO BE ANY MUSIC THE
DUMB SON OF A BITCH.
WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR LAZY
ASS DOWN TO A REHEARSAL ONCE
IN A WHILE AND YOU'D KNOW WHAT
WAS GOING ON ON THIS (BEEP).
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL DAY?
COUNTING YOUR RESIDUALS FROM
EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
SYNDICATED VERSION.
I'M SICK OF THIS BULL (BEEP).
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.
WHAT A DUMB ASS (BEEP) LIKE
YOU.
>> Dave: OH.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
IN THAT BOW TIE THOUGH.
THEN YOU'D HAVE SOMETHING.
JOHN, YOU'VE BEEN BUSY MAKING
>> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE.
IS THIS THE SEAT THAT OPRAH
SAT IN?
>> Dave: YES.
>> OH.
I FEEL HER ESSENCE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO QUESTION
OPRAH.
WHEN I SAW HER ON YOUR SHOW, I
GOT A CRUSH ON HER.
I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON
CONDOLEEZZA RICE.
>> Dave: IS THAT RIGHT?
>> I GOT GRAVY FOR THAT RICE.
UNCLE BEN'S RICE.
BUT I LOVE... WHEN I SAW OPRAH,
SHE SAT HERE WITH THAT BROWN
DRESS ON AND THAT... THE
BUTTER WAS ON HER LEGS, THAT
GIRL THAT WAS JUST HERE.
>> Dave: EASY.
>> I MEAN, MY HEART STARTED
PALPATATING WHEN I SAW HER.
SHE HAD THAT BUTTERED LOOK.
SHE'S A BILLIONAIREESS.
LOOK AT MY LIPS WHEN I SAY
THAT, DAVE BILLIONAIREESS.
I'M JUST A MULTITHOUSANDAIRE.
WATCH WHEN I SAY THIS NOW.
MULTITHOUSANDAIRE.
THEY LOOK THE SAME BUT DON'T
SOUND THE SAME.
>> Dave: A WHOLE DIFFERENT
DEAL.
>> I'M SOR
DON'T MAKE ME WHOOP YOUR BUTT.
WHY WOULD ANYBODY CURSING YOU
OUT BEFORE I GOT ON THE SHOW?
>> Dave: WE HAD SOME STAFF
MORALE HAS NEVER BEEN LOWER.
>> WHEN I WAS IN THE BACK,
SOMEBODY CURSED ME OUT.
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.
>> THEY SAID GET YOUR BLACK
ASS OUT ON STAGE.
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY
WOULD HAVE SAID THAT.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
>> Paul: THAT WAS BIFF.
>> Dave: WE'VE HAD SOME
TROUBLE.
>> WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND
HERE.
>> Dave: INTERNAL PROBLEMS.
>> I'VE BEEN HERE ABOUT 30
YEARS.
I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.
>> Dave: ANYWAY, THE BOONDOCKS,
SUNDAYS AT 11:00....
>> 11:00 P.M. ON THE BOONDOCKS
ON CARTOON NETWORK.
>> Dave: CARTOON NETWORK 11:00
P.M..
>> IT'S ADULT CARTOONS.