TV SHOW, I RARELY HAVE TIME FOR MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITIONS,

LIKE GOING TO MASS, OR PRAYING A NOVENA, OR EXPLAINING SAINTS TO

MY NON-CATHOLIC FRIENDS.

( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE KIND OF LIKE GOD'S

X-MEN.

ST. ANTHONY'S MUTANT POWER IS FINDING YOUR LOST KEYS.

HERE'S THE THING.

THE TRADITION I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.

IT'S LIKE A COLON CLEANSE FOR IT'S LIKE A COLON CLEANSE FOR

YOUR SOUL, A CHANCE TO BE FREE OF THINGS YOU MIGHT REGRET, LIKE

COMPARING YOUR SOUL TO A COLON.

SO, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE WITH YOU,

THE AUDIENCE.

YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!

>> Stephen: GREAT.

THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT

SURE THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT

THEM.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

I'VE BEEN TO CONFESSION MORE TIMES ON THIS SHOW THAN I HAVE

IN REAL LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, IF YOU'VE EVER WALKED

SLOWLY IN FRONT OF ME ON THE SIDEWALK, I'VE FANTASIZED

ABOUT KILLING YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I NO LONGER BOTHER TO SPREAD NUTELLA ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN

MY TONGUE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T EAT THAT MUCH IN

REHEARSAL.

( LAUGHTER ) I'D LIKE TO GO ON "CELEBRITY

JEOPARDY!" BUT I'M AFRAID I WOULD LOSE TO MEATLOAF.

( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF GOD LOVES ME BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME

OR BECAUSE HE HAS TO BECAUSE HE IS GOD.

I WONDER THE SAME THING ABOUT TOM HANKS.

I HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVING A HORRIBLE DISEASE SO PEOPLE WOULD

FEEL BAD FOR ME, BUT THAT'S ALSO EASILY CURED ONCE I'VE SOAKED UP

ENOUGH PITY.

( LAUGHTER ) I TELL PEOPLE I'VE READ

SHAKESPEARE'S, "TAMING OF THE SHREW," BUT ACTUALLY, I JUST

WATCHED "10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN I'M AT KARAOKE AND SOMEONE

STARTS SINGING "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN," I STOP BELIEVIN',

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I STEAL OFFICE SUPPLIES FROM STAPLES.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I DON'T HAVE ANY SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET.

THEY'RE BURIED UNDER THE PORCH.

( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES ON MY CHEAT

DAY, I ORDER A WHOLE PLATE OF FRIES AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH IT.

( LAUGHTER ) I BUY KALE AND PUT IT IN THE

FRIDGE AND NEVER EAT IT.

THEN I START RESENTING IT AND ENJOY WATCHING IT DIE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M A QUICK DRUNK.

♪ DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' HOLD ON TO THAT

FEEEEEELIN'♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I HAVE JUMPED A SUBWAY TURNSTILE ON A DIRTBIKE.

( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS YOUR PORN

NAME IS YOUR FIRST PET AND THE STREET YOU GREW UP ON.

SO MINE SHOULD BE CAESAR HONEYBEE.

BUT IN REALITY, MINE WAS GUY MANDUDE.

( LAUGHTER ) OH, AND I DID PORN.

ONE TIME, I TEST DROVE A CAR JUST SO I COULD USE THE

DEALERSHIP'S BATHROOM.

( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I GO TO A JAZZ CLUB, I JUST

APPLAUD AT RANDOM INTERVALS TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I APPRECIATED

SOMETHING NOBODY ELSE GOT.

( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT.

YEAH, THAT.

YEAH.

WHENEVER IT LOOKS LIKE I'M TAKING NOTES IN A MEETING, I'M

JUST DRAWING KING KONG FIGHTING TANKS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF APPS ON MY iPHONE THAT I NEVER USE, BUT I'M

AFRAID TO GET RID OF THEM BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY DO.

IF I RESCUED A SHELTER DOG, I WOULD NAME IT "SHELTER DOG," SO

EVERYONE WOULD KNOW THAT I RESCUED IT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

ALSO, IF I GOT TWO CATS, I WOULD NAME THEM "CAT ONE" AND "CAT

THREE," SO EVERYONE WOULD FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE IS SHOCKING TO EVEN ME,

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT

DONALD TRUMP WON'T BE THE WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.

>> Audience: OOOH!

WE'VE HAD SOME BAD ONES.

( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!