-I'm so anxious today.

I have a date with a wholesome, beautiful girl from

the Midwest.

-Where are you gong to take a girl like that?

I mean, you only hang out at cool restaurants and the

downtown comedy venues.

-Yeah.

Big time red carpet events.

Tell me about it.

-You know, Barry Manilow's in town tonight at the Garden.

You should take her there.

Homespun people love him.

-Nah, the Low's been sold out for weeks, bro.

I should know.

I tried to blow this guy at a radio station for tix.

-Well, you know, I can just scalp tix at the arena.

I'm really good at getting deals on things.

-Really?

What can you get from scalper?

-I could probably get, like, orch tix.

-Orch tix?

-Orch tix.

-You're kidding me.

-I could get orch tix.

-If you get 'em, more power to you, girl.

-That's right, man.

-Manilow tix.

Manilow tix.

Tix to Manilow.

Tix to the Barry.

-Yo, yo, yo, my main man, me and this fine young lady need

some tix to the Manilow show in the Gar-den.

You gonna lay me on, or what?

-Are you talking in a different language.

-Here, take a look at them.

-Orchestra pit, row one.

You can feel Barry's spit hitting you.

-Oh, I can't wait to tell my friends back in Iowa that

Barry Manilow spit on me.

-You got a deal.

Well, this is our entrance.

-Wow, it's all VIP, like Pamela Anderson.

Do you know her?

-Oh, yeah, I love that guy.

[DRIPPING WATER]

[DOOR SLAMS]

God, I just wish they would install some light bulbs in

this place, you know?

I just don't know about these tickets.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): That's because you're not at

Madison Square Garden.

You're inside a giant's butthole.

-Who was that anyway?

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It's me, Renee Zellweger I

scalped tickets to see a Matthew Barney exhibit.

-Oh, I loved you in Miss Congeniality.

-That was Sandra Bullock, Ellie Mae.

-So if we're inside a giant's butthole, is the giant

watching the Barry Manilow concert?

-No.

He's watching Desperate Housewives on TV.

Listen.

You can hear him laugh.

-[LAUGHS]

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I scalped tickets to see Tom

Stoppard's Rock 'N' Roll, and ended up in a giant's rectum.

-Who are you?

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Kofi Annan.

-Oh, I loved you in Rush Hour.

KOFI ANNAN (OFFSCREEN): That was Chris Tucker.

I'm the former UN Secretary General, you, you, you white

trash poster child.

-[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

-Wow.

Must be good Housewives episode.

GIANT (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

-Hey, it's getting crowded in here.

I'm waiting for the Tom Waits concert to start.

Yeah, you're out of luck, stranger.

You're inside a giant's poo-hole.

Who are you?

-It's me, Charlie Rose.

Well, this is a pickle I'm in.

I've got to do a show, and I'm stuck here.

-You know, you sound like someone who's from where I'm

from.

-Sorry, there, Ellie Mae, but we had books and toothpaste

where I grew up.

-Good one, Charlie Rose.

Hey, I have an idea.

We can do what Jonah did to get out of the

belly of the whale.

You Midwesterners are always drunk on moonshine, right?

-No.

-Great.

So what you're going to do is drink this big bottle of

moonshine, and then we're gonna get kicked out by the

bouncers 'cause you're gonna get so obnoxiously drunk.

-I've been sober for five years, but I will do it.

-Good.

Drink this.

-I'll do it.

-Yeah.

Drink it up.

Yeah.

-Get the hell out of here, you drunk.

You do not throw up on Charlie Rose in a nice place like

this.

-Nice place, my eye.

This place is inside of a giant's asshole.

-Well, thank you for at least saving our lives.

-Let's drink to celebrate.

-No!

I love you, Ellen.

But I can't be in a relationship with you until

you treat your illness.

It's killing everyone around us.

-(SLURRING) Does I have Ebola?

-No!

You're an alcoholic.

Let me hear you say it.

-I'm a alcoholic.

-Yes, I'm so glad you admit it.

You said it.

She said it, everybody.

-I said it!

[CHEERING]

-That's the first step.

And now we're going to lock you up for a couple months in

a treatment center in New Mexico.

-That sounds good.

-First just give me a kiss to celebrate.

-Mmm.

Ahh.

Mmm.

-Mmnh, yeah.

You're gonna be just fine.

-No.

-Have a good trip.

-No.

-One day at a time.

-OK.

-OK, baby.

-OK.

-Love you.

Hey David, you're not going to send me away too because I

like alcohol, are you?

-No, the difference is I'm not trying to sleep with you.

-Good point.

That was nice of you to buy her a ticket.

-Oh, it was really cheap.

I scalped it on the street.

-Goodbye, David.

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.

Not again.

[SIGH]

Yet another funny adventure in my fictionalized life.

-Nice work, Dave.

-Why don't you come inside?

I mean, you know, we can get to know each other better.

-Wait, hold on.

Come inside?

Huh?

-Whoa.

[GIGGLES]

-[CHORTLES]