I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE.

THE SHOW PREMIERED LAST NIGHT,

AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE MADE IT

TO DAY TWO, EVERYBODY.

TWO, TWO.

( APPLAUSE )

THIS IS GREAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE

THAT'S WHEN MY HEALTH INSURANCE

KICKS IN, AND I ALMOST NEEDED A

HEART TRANSPLANT LAST NIGHT.

BECAUSE A FUN THING HAPPENED AND

I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS AN

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY I'M ABOUT

TO TELL YOU.

THE SHOW ALMOST DIDN'T GET ON

THE AIR LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS A LITTLE LONG.

IT WAS A DOUBLE-STUFFED OREO,

STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS.

YOU KNOW FOR A SHOW YOU WANT TO

DO A LOT.

WE HAD TO CUT SOME STUFF WE

LOVED.

DEFINITELY GO TO

www.colbertlateshow.com, CHECK

OUT JEB BUSH DOING HIS BEST

DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION.

IT'S GREAT.

IT MAKES HIM SEEM SIMULTANEOUSLY

MORE ELECTABLE AND LESS

PRESIDENTIAL.

IT'S WORTH THE TRIP.

I PROMISE YOU, IT'S WORTH THE

TRIP.

IT WAS FUN.

I'M VERY GRATEFUL THE GOVERNOR

CAME ON LAST NIGHT.

SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

POSSIBLE I WOULD VOTE FOR HIM.

GO TO THE WEB SITE, AND SEE SOME

FOOTAGE I HAD 2 CUT ABOUT ME AND

GEORGE CLOONEY TALKING ABOUT

HUMAN RIGHTS I HAVE LAILINGSES

AND THE NIPPLES ON HIS BATMAN

COSTUME.

BOTH CONVERSATIONS VERY

UNSETTLING.

HERE'S THE THING.

IT TOOK US A WHILE TO CUT THE

SHOW DOWN TO TIME, AND WHEN WE

TRIED TO SEND IT TO THE NETWORK

SO THEY COULD SHOW IT TO YOU ON

AIR, THE COMPUTERS KEPT

CRASHING.

YEAH, YEAH.

LAUGH YEAH, AND AGAIN, 11:20,

AND, AGAIN, THIS ACTUALLY

HAPPENED.

NO ONE IN THE BUILDING COULD

GIVE ME A GUARANTEE FOR CERTAIN

THAT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO GO ON

THE AIR LAST NIGHT.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITING

THAT WAS FOR ALL OF US.

AFTER CBS HAD PLASTERED MY FACE

ON NEARLY EVERY FLAT SURFACE ON

THE PLANET, OKAY.

THIS-- THIS-- THIS WAS SUPPOSED

TO BE A SURPRISE, BUT THE POPE

ACTUALLY IS TATTOOED WITH MY

FACE, ALL RIGHT.

THE POPE HAS A TRAMP STAMP OF MY

FACE RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S HOW GOOD CBS' MARKETING

HAS BEEN.

AND AFTER ALL THAT, MAYBE WE

WOULDN'T GO ON THE AIR.

AND AS I FELT THE OXYGEN BEGIN

TO DRAIN FROM MY BRAIN AND ALL

MY ORGANS SHUTTING DOWN, I

THOUGHT IF WE ACTUALLY MAKE IT

TO AIR, THIS WILL BE A PRETTY

GOOD STORY.

AND IF WE DON'T, IT'LL STILL BE

A VERY INTERESTING STORY AT THE

THEATER CAMP I WILL BE RUNNING

IN IDAHO.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BOW!

RIKAH!

BUT IN THE CLUTCH-- AND I HAVE

TO THANK THEM, OUR TALENTED

TECH TEAM MANAGED TO GET THE

SHOW OUT OF THE HARD DRIVES AND

ON THE AIR.

AND I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THE

PROBLEM WAS, BUT IF YOU'RE

SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW, IT MEANS

WE FIXED IT.