YOU GUYS EVER WATCH, IT?

THEY'VE GOT SOME GOOD STUFF ON THERE.

DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH OF IT.

AND THERE'S A BIG STORY THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT RIGHT

NOW.

IT'S.

A GROUP OF HEAVILY ARMED PROTESTERS WHO HAVE OCCUPIED

SOMETHING CALLED THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE IN A

REMOTE AREA OF SOUTHEAST OREGON.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY ANGRY BEARDED MEN IN OREGON SINCE I

REFERRED TO BLUE MOON AS "A CRAFT BEER."

MAX, IT'S A GOOD BEER, MAX.

DON'T GET ANGRY.

I LIKE THE ORANGE.

IT'S FUN.

THESE GUYS WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER THE THING CALL THEMSELVES A

MILITIA, AND THEY'RE LED BY A FELLER NAMED AMMON BUNDY, AND IF

THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE SON OF THE

LEGENDARY CLIVEN BUNDY.

NOW, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT NAME FROM BACK IN 2014, WHEN...

♪ CLIVEN FOUGHT THE GOVERNMENT OVER GRAZING FEES ON FEDERAL

LANDS.

♪ AND LOST ALL SYMPATHY WHEN HE STARTED SAYING STUFF LIKE THIS.

>> I WANT TO TELL YOU ONE MORE THING I KNOW ABOUT THE NEGRO.

>> Stephen: OKAY, UM, DON'T NEED-- DON'T NEED TO SING ANY

MORE OF THAT SONG.

OKAY.

HAVE THAT FUMIGATED.

ALL RIGHT.

AND NOW HIS SON IS CONTINUING THAT ANTI-GOVERNMENT TRADITION.

AND IF THAT'S WHAT CLIVEN'S SON AMMON IS UP TO, I SHUDDER TO

THINK WHAT'S IN STORE FROM THE CLIVEN GRANDCHILDREN.

I'M GONNA GUESS RANDO, PERVIN, AND KRAMPUS?

( LAUGHTER ) GOOD-LOOKING KIDS.

NOW, AMMON AND HIS GROUP SAY THEY BEGAN THIS PROTEST TO SPEAK

UP FOR RANCHERS DWIGHT AND STEVEN HAMMOND, WHO WENT TO JAIL

FOR BURNING 139 ACRES OF FEDERAL LAND.

AND AAMON'S PROTEST ON BEHALF OF THESE GUYS UPSET SOME PEOPLE--

SPECIFICALLY THESE GUYS.

>> Stephen: YES, THE HAMMONDS WANT TO BE CLEAR: THEY'RE NOT

ANTI-GOVERNMENT MILITIAMEN.

THEY'RE SIMPLY ANTIGOVERNMENT ARSONISTS.

PLEASE.

NOW, THE MILITIAMEN SAY THEY'RE READY FOR THE GOVERNMENT'S

RESPONSE AND ARE WILLING TO DIE FOR THEIR CAUSE, OR FROM BOREDOM

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT RESPONDING.

AS ONE RETIRED U.S. MARSHALL SAID:

>> THE BEST APPROACH NOW IS TO WAIT THE GROUP OUT.

>> Stephen: PROBABLY NOT WHAT THE PROTESTORS HAD IN MIND.

THAT'S LIKE TAKING OVER THE ALAMO AND THEN NOT BEING

SURROUNDED BY MEXICANS.

DAVY CROCKETT WOULD LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE DOOFUS.

AND I GOTTA SAY, THE COONSKIN CAP DOES NOT HELP.

BUT MAYBE THIS IS A WIN-WIN.

IS IT THESE GUYS DOWN HERE ARE DETERMINED TO STAY PUT

INDEFINITELY AT THE MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE

REFUGE, WHY NOT JUST LET THEM AND RENAME IT THE "THE AMMON

BUNDY PRESERVE FOR THE ARMED AND CRANKY?"

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AFTER ALL-- ( APPLAUSE )

THESE CONFUSED, FRAGILE, HEAVILY ARMED CREATURES NEED SOMEPLACE

TO LIVE WHERE CIVILIZATION WON'T UPSET THEM.

THEY ARE CLEARLY ENDANGERED.

ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW MANY THERE ARE

BECAUSE THEIR CAMO IS SO GOOD.

( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ONE STANDING BETWEEN TWO

BUSHES, I BELIEVE.

( LAUGHTER ) AND, SADLY, THERE'S NO HOPE OF

ESTABLISHING A BREEDING PROGRAM BECAUSE, FRANKLY, IT'S A BIT OF

A SAUSAGE-FEST.

AND WHILE THESE MEN MIGHT BE GREAT PATRIOTS, THEY'RE NOT

GREAT PLANNERS.

BECAUSE EVIDENTLY, THEY DIDN'T PACK A LOT OF FOOD, SO THEY

TURNED TO FACEBOOK YESTERDAY AND ASKED PEOPLE TO SEND, "SUPPLIES,

OR SNACKS, OR ANYTHING."

( APPLAUSE ) YES.

SNACKS.

WHAT HEROIC, LONE WOLF, GO-IT-ALONE, MOUNTAIN MEN HAVE

ALWAYS NEEDED: GOGURT, STRING CHEESE, AND LUNCHABLES.

I WANT YOU TO HANG IN THERE, FELLAS

BECAUSE HELP IS ON THE WAY.

YOU MAY REMEMBER VIEWERS AT HOME, WEEKS AGO I MENTIONED OROS

ON THE SHOW, SO OROZE SENT ME A TRUCKLOAD OF OREOS AND AN ACTUAL

OREO HOTLINE I COULD USE TO REACH NABISCO DIRECTLY ANY TIME

OF THE DAY OR NIGHT TO REQUEST MORE OREOS.

AND IF EVER THERE WAS A SNACK-MERGENCY, IT IS NOW.

SO I'M DEPLOYING THE OREO PHONE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, OREOS?

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT AND-- WHAT?

YES, I REALIZE I AM HOLDING THIS UP TO MY DEAF EAR.

I SAID, I AM AWARE OF THAT!

I NEED MORE OREOS, STAT!

ONLY DON'T SEND THEM TO MY OFFICE.

THIS WEEK, I'LL BE BROADCASTING FROM 36391 SODHOUSE LANE,

PRINCETON, OREGON.

JUST LEAVE THE COOKIES AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY AND THEN

BACK AWAY SLOWLY.