Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles Hey, Mat Boggs here and today we’re going to talk about vanishers who reappear into your life and then what you can actually say to get clarity on what’s been going on and how to progress the relationship forward. You’ve probably experienced this. A lot of my clients have experienced this as well. One of my clients was recently asking me, “What do I say? Because it’s awkward. Like I don’t want to just go on another date with this guy and he’s texting me, ‘Hey what are you up to? What’s going on? What are you doing this weekend?’” She’s like, “What do I say?” The first thing that you want to focus on is your mindset, right? The first mindset is don’t take it personal. It really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it has to do with this other person. And remember, when you’re dating, your job is just to discover who they really are and whether or not they’re your man or not. So you want to remove any of the emotional charge from it. Well, how do you do that? The way you do that is that you come from this place of love abundance. Imagine right now that you had five amazing guys all texting you, all wanting to take you out, and here this vanisher vanished for a couple weeks and then reappears into your life. How would you respond? It really wouldn’t be that big of a deal. There wouldn’t be a lot of emotional charge. You wouldn’t be prickly or icy or irritated about it. It’d be like, “Oh, hey. Where’ve you been?” Like there would be zero emotional charge. So bring yourself to this love abundance state. Let that drive your mentality and drive your emotional state. That’s number one. And number two: feel free to be direct. Feel free to be assertive because direct, assertive energy demands respect. Remember, we teach people how to treat us by the treatment we’re willing to accept. Let me say that again. We teach people how to treat us by the treatment that we’re willing to accept. And so chances are you don’t want to accept treatment where someone says they’re going to do something and then they don’t do it. So let’s say you’re in a scenario where a guy tells you, “Hey, I’ll call you tomorrow,” or, “I’ll text you in a couple days,” and then it’s been a couple of weeks and you haven’t heard from him. So he vanished and then all of a sudden you get this text that says, “Hey. What’s up?” or, “Hey, how can you been?” Now, remember the main reason he’s texting you and opening this conversation again is because he wants to hang out with you. So it will get to the point where he’ll ask to see you again. So the first response that you want is to come from love abundance, that you’re living this life that you love. So you could write something back like, “Having a great week! You?” And then at that point, he may come up with an excuse and tell you, “Hey, I’ve been traveling. Work’s been really busy. But what are you up to this weekend?” Or he may not. He may just say, “What are you up to this weekend?” At that point, if he asks you the question, “What are you up to this weekend?” and he doesn’t directly ask you out, you want to implement the porcupine technique. And the porcupine technique goes like this. If someone were to toss you’re a porcupine and you were to catch it, you don’t want to hang onto it because it’s prickly, so you toss it right back. So if he texts you and says, “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?” you don’t have to answer and say, “Well, I don’t have any plans,” or, “I’m not going anything cool,” you can just text him back and say, “Why? What’s up?” And then he’ll say, “Hey, do you want to get together? There’s this really cool jazz festival,” or really cool this and that. When he does that, you want to text back and say, “I could be up for that, and actually I have a quick question for you. Give me a call when you can.” Right? So you’re letting him know you could be up for that. There’s an opening there. “I’ve got a quick question for you. Give me a call when you can.” So he’ll call you up and say, “Hey, what’s up?” And you can say, “Hey. Thanks so much for calling. And I actually wanted to clear something up with you if that’s cool.” So at that point, that’s the shock across the bow that something’s off, right? And at that moment, he’ll say, “Yeah, what’s up?” And then at this point, you just want to call out the elephant in the room. And you could say something like this: “The last time we were hanging out, you told me you were going to call me in a couple of days and it’s actually been a couple of week, which is totally cool by the way, and I just want to let you know that I’m really not interested in hanging out with guys who don’t follow through and guys who vanish and then reappear. I am interested, however, in hanging out with someone who follows through and does what it is that they say, and actually I find that sexy.” And here’s where you want to let them know that it was disappointing to you because you actually like them, that they didn’t call back. Because that shows that you actually have an opening for them, that there is some attraction there. You can say something like this: “You know, when you didn’t call me back, honestly, I was a little disappointed because I think you’re intriguing, I think you’re cool. But I’m not interested in hanging out with people who are vanishers. So I’d love to hang out with you again and I just want you to be honest with me. Are you going to be the guy who says some things and then vanishes? Or are you going to be the guy who follows through on what he says?” And here’s what’s interesting. When you put it this way, what you’re doing is you’re calling him to a higher level of being. You’re calling him to becoming his best self, right? You’re asking him to step up. And two things are going to happen. And when you’re this direct, it’s fantastic because you’re actually going to get to see who he really is on the inside. One of two things are going to happen. Either he’s going to own it, he’s going to take responsibility, he’s going to apologize and say, “You know what? You’re right. I did tell you I was going to call. I didn’t call. I apologize, and I am the guy who follows through and I would love to go out with you.” Or he’s going to be the guy who gets defensive, who gets offended, who makes excuses and starts blaming and he’ll say, “Oh, well, you know, work was really busy and it’s only been a couple weeks,” and he’ll try to minimize what it is that you’re saying. He’ll try to make it not a big deal and make you the bad person. “You know, this really isn’t that big of a deal. I don’t know why you’re making this such a big deal.” Either way is okay. You’re not judging how they respond. You’re discovering how they respond because what you’re looking for is whether or not – because how he responds in this situation (because this is a tiny piece of friction) is actually going to be how he responds in bigger challenges when you’re in a relationship with him. So you’re really interested in looking at how is he responding when there’s a little bump in the road? Because how he responds to this is how he’s going to respond later down the road. So your job is just to discover him. Don’t feel bad, don’t let him make you feel bad or feel like, “God, this really isn’t a big deal,” because breaking your word, putting yourself outside of integrity is a big deal when you’re starting a relationship with someone. Let me remind you, when you meet the right guy, it’s really tough to screw up the right thing. When you meet the right guy, he’s going to follow through on his word and it’s going to be easy. So you’re really looking for how he responds here, right? And the cool thing is when you’re direct and when you’re assertive and when you say, “Hey, you know, I was disappointed when you didn’t follow through because I was actually excited about hanging out with you. And I just want to know are you the kind of guy who follows through or are you not?” and you give him a chance to step up into his best self, right? When you do that, that demands respect because that shows that you have self-respect and you know that you’re worthy of being in relationships that are congruent and of integrity, right? So no matter how he responds, own that for yourself and own that courage and bravery, and know that that’s the right move that you made. Because here’s the deal. Chances are he’s going to step up and say, “No, I am the guy who actually follows through,” and you’ll go out on a great date with him. And even if he doesn’t, he’ll fall way from your life, making space for your right man to come into your life. Because know this: that your man is looking for you right now. So stay true to yourself, stay true to your values, be assertive enough to stand up for those values, and that puts you on the path to the relationship you’ve always wanted. So I hope this serves you. I hope you found value in this video. If you know that this will serve someone else, please send it to someone that you love and you care about. Also post a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this video in the comments section below. And, as always, there’s a link in the description below this video to help you attract the love that you’ve always wanted and create the relationship that you’ve always wanted as well. If you’re not subscribed, make sure you get subscribed to this channel so you can get the latest and greatest videos. Thanks so much for watching. I’ll talk to you soon.
A2 US assertive porcupine call hanging weekend deal What To Say When A "Vanisher" Comes Back... 33 6 Elizabeth Lin posted on 2016/07/12 More Share Save Report Video vocabulary