mom is sitting right next to you? *Laughs* Bondage something sadomasochism. There's a

lot of leather, I feel like. BDSM has quite a few terms. For example the B and D can be

bondage and discipline, the D and the S can stand for dominance and submission, and then

the S and the M stand for sadomasochism or sadism and masochism. So yes, as you may have

guessed with all of this BDSM talk, I just finished the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and

so what qualifies as BDSM has been on my mind. Because honestly, compared to one episode

of Dan Savage's Stranger Podcast, the 50 books were pretty tame. I think people just want

to assume that into vanilla sex, but if you're doing something beyond just intercourse then

that can fall into the BDSM umbrella. Even the act of wearing a fetishized piece of clothing

like- how many women have not bought a pair of shoes exclusively for, for their partner?

I mean, Amy Winehouse even has a song about it "F*ck-Me Shoes." A lot of the Black people

that I know that read the book weren't impressed. They were like "what's the big deal?" So in

some way they may have already been restrained during sexual activity and didn't feel that

it was grandiose, and a lot of my white counterparts felt differently. How did they feel? It was

the most amazing thing they had ever read, I've never heard of anything like this- I

mean, that's just the exposure thing I guess cause- even if you didn't know what BDSM was

specifically, as a woman I've been restrained by a man before. So whether your sex life

already includes aspects of BDSM, or you want it to, one thing that's important to remember

is the difference between what Anastasia and Christian were into, and abuse. Do you think

BDSM can ever cross the line into abuse? It can. BDSM practices can absolutely cross the

line into abuse. But there's a phrase that's commonly used called "safe, sane, and consensual:"

you always have to be safe, you should be sane, and there has to be mutual consent.

If there isn't, then that's a problem. There's really extreme forms of play that people could

never imagine being sexually gratifying. But they are as long as the couple is two consenting

adults. Obviously there has been a stunted conversation- these conversations have not

been allowed to foster around what is a healthy relationship? What is a healthy sexuality?

What is etc. etc.? What is healthy consent? Right? How do we move beyond "No Means No"

to get into something deeper, to get into proactive consent, to get into tons of different

levels regardless of the content of the two people getting together, because we're still

having these same conversations. Regardless of what you're into, consent seems to be the

theme here. But, once you've gone through that conversation: apron, nothing underneath,

high heels, by the sink "go make my dinner." Anything's possible.