Hey Alan!

Rose? Oh for god's sake...

Did Charlie put you up to this?

What are you talking about? Charlie didn't put me up to anything.

Right, so it's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute

and all of a sudden you show up at the front door.

You're waiting for a prostitute?

No.

Oh, Alan. That's not like you.

Yeah, well...

When you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection

with another human being, what else is there to do?

A lot of people masturbate, I hear.

Really, I've heard them.

Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.

Have you tried switching hands?

It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Hi!

Hi! You must be Alan's prostitute.

I'm Rose.

Hi Rose. Will you be joining us tonight?

No. You'll just be doing Alan this evening.

Goodnight Rose. - Goodnight.

So, come on in!

Sorry I'm a little late. - Oh, that's okay.

As long as it doesn't come out of my... you know... winky-dink time.

Shall we take care of business before we get started?

Oh, absolutely! No money, no honey!

No looty, no booty!

No cash in advance, I'm not in your pants!

That was four hundred, right? - Five.

Oh, of course!

Why would I think it was four...

Thanks.

So, Alan...

What do you like?

Oh, just about anything. I'm not finnicky.

Ooh, no limits huh?

Well you know, I'm not into animals or...

anything near my keister.

Okay.

Come here.

Let's get comfy. - Alrighty.

Oh, baby. You really turn me on.

Uh, uh, hang on a second. - What?

I'm a little bumped by that 'turn me on' part.

I mean, I want to believe you but I've been with enough women to know it doesn't happen that fast.

Sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

Honey, I would not lie to you.

No, no, of course not. Why would you lie to me? But...

I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level.

Alright.

Mmm... oh, you are the best kisser.

Okay, again...

I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.

Okay, I'm a little confused here.

I'm just not buying it.

And since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it.

All you have to do is tell the truth. There's no need for hyperbole.

Alright. - Okay.

Oh, Alan...

Your lips are so thin and dry...

Okay, now we're cookin'.

Oh, come on. I just said I can't believe I'm the biggest you've ever seen.

I mean, I'm not even the biggest I've ever seen.

And I haven't seen that many.

I'm sorry, I have to go. - Why?

I have a headache.

I can work with that. I was married for twelve years.

Here's your money. Don't ever call me again.

Okay, second base for free!