but later this week we'll be celebrating

our 2,000th show.

[cheers and applause]

Which means that today, we're celebrating

our 1,998th show, so...

[cheers and applause]

One of the best things about doing this show

is all the amazing celebrity guests

that I've had over the years.

I'd like to say they're always on their best behavior,

but the truth is, they are not.

Enjoy.

- What's the sexiest part of a man?

His--well, thing. The thing.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- What do you do every night 'til 6:00 in the morning?

You don't go to clubs every night.

- No, I mean, I make love a lot.

[cheers and applause]

- My personal life is pretty much non-existent.

- Mm-hmm. - Which is not good.

Not for the long-run. Not for me.

Not for...her.

It's not--it's not fun.

[cheers and applause]

- Please welcome Nicki Minaj.

- Ah.

- If you need to borrow a bra from me,

you just let me know.

- You spray that on, and it's just like

whatever happens, happens.

Ellen, don't do it, don't do it, oh, don't do it.

[cheers and applause]

- Never ever have I joined the mile high club.

[cheers and applause]

- Ah.

- Phoenix.

Burning.

Scorching.

Scintillating.

- [singing] Talk dirty to me

Talk dirty to me

- No.

- [singing] Talk dirty to me

- [moaning]

I like it.

- You had a job as a dancer, is that right?

- Yeah. - Tell people about your job

as a dancer.

- I was a stripper. I-I was a stripper.

[cheers and applause]

- [singing] I got lipstick stamps

on my passport

I think I need a new one

Been around the world, don't speak the language

But your booty don't need explaining

All I really need to understand is

when you talk dirty to me

- Have you seen these? - What is that?

Oh, god. In my--okay, there I go.

- In your bra. - Okay, all right. Okay.

Oh, no. Ah!

[laughter]

Am I getting milked? What's happening?

- Okay, three things you'd find in your nightstand.

Toothpaste, tampons, and condoms.

[laughter]

- In your nightstand?

- That's what I said. - Wow.

- Here we go.

- Whatever I'm doing, I'm just gonna do it nude.

[cheers and applause]

- Mother, let's go.

Now, right now. Out.

- Hugs? - No, no hugs, no hugs.

- I'll just...

be getting ready.

- [singing] Talk dirty to me

[cheers and applause]

- Oh.

That was a surprise.

I hope all of you will tune in for my 2,000th show,

and I want you to watch it on an award-winning Smart TV

with nearly 3,000 streaming channels

that let's you access more than 300,000 TV episodes and movies,

so in celebration of our 2,000th show week,

everyone in the audience today

is gonna get a 55" TCL Roku TV.

[cheers and applause]