[Groovy “Life with Laura” intro]

Hello and welcome to my- complete absence of viewers.

Today on “Life with Laura” it’s your guide to life in the Silas University library.

Should you find yourself spending your summer vacation inside a sentient library

the first thing to do is to figure out if the architecture-slash-life-form

that you're dewelling in is full on Amityville Horror evil or just kind of a capricious dink.

One clue may be the way that it treats cranky nigh-invulnerable vampires.

[Ocean waves and fishy noises]

[Water dripping]

[Animal growling]

[Pounding on door]

[Books thudding on the floor]

As opposed to tiny, broken-hearted college girls who might be– for perfectly valid

reasons- sort of kind of…wallowing over past mistakes.

Oh!

[Book thudding on cranky vampire’s head]

Not that the wallowing has continued.

Nothing like two months hiding in the stacks because the library’s the only place that

you’re safe from the ancient evil who played you for a chump to put things in perspective.

Which brings us to cuisine!

A crucial skill, when your sole food source is vending machines, is creativity.

Need a smoothie?

How about a nozzle coffee and granola-bar whip-up?

Perfect camp dinner?

How about a beef-jerky casserole?

Craving a salad?

So am I!

Of course, there is the option to eat out.

Really, really far out.

See, near as LaF’s been able to figure, the library contains- well- everything and

so any one space, like this room, can connect to anywhere else.

Which means that when you open a door maybe you get a hallway, or maybe you get an undersea

world filled with really angry shrimp.

The good news is that LaF’s been able to crack the code for Howl’s Moving Library.

Well, at least one part of it.

Three to the left for the central fountain.

[Three knocks]

[Fountain-like noises]

Laura: Woah!

Two right for Snowy Uberwald.

[Two knocks]

[Cold and wintery whooshing]

Uh, five to the right?

[Five knocks]

[FIRE!]

Is a live volcano! Five is a live volcano!

Oh but I do have this really cool one.

Two up. Two down.

Cyberpunk dystopia.

With that nailed there’s nothing left to fear.

Except for Fear Herself.

You may remember that we lost track of Perry and J.P. after I- After Corvae stormed HQ?

Well despite the fact that all off-campus communication has been shut down by a firewall

even LaF can’t breach we did start to get some transmissions.

[Silas University intro]

Good morning, students of Silas.

I know many of you are still recovering from the- unfortunate events of last semester.

And my altered state might be- shocking.

But let me assure you my struggling dears, your Dean will never give you up.

With the generous sponsorship of our friends at Corvae, Silas will rise again.

And no one, no matter what dank little hole they’re currently hiding in, will interfere

with our glorious unearthing.

Of knowledge.

See you in class my dears.

Oh you mother-[bleep] dried-up, saggy-[bleep]

wench of a woman masquerading as a [bleep] sadistic, narcissistic piece of [bleep].

It wasn’t- she can’t have just possessed Perry can she?

Oh no it’s worse than that.

Think about it, Raggedy Ann was acting dodgy all semester.

No. I would have seen something. I would have noticed.

Oh yeah ‘cause you weren’t too busy ignoring your kidnapping trauma and resurrecting your

digital pet into a dead vampire?

That had nothing to do with Perry.

When could it even have happened?

She was with us the whole time it would have had to have been-

Right from the moment she walked in here dripping blood.

I should have seen it. So perfectly her.

How do you breach a wall? Not with a battering ram.

You give them a helpless girl and let them invite their doom right in.

Months. Perry’s been gone for months?

After that long could she still be alive in there?

Well that’s the least of our problems.

You heard her. She’s never going to let us free.

No matter how far we run or where we hide.

But we’re safe in here.

Were you not paying any attention last semester?

Nobody is safe anywhere. She’ll find a way sooner or later.

She’ll crush us like bugs. She always does this.

There’s no running, there’s no hiding, there’s no safe until she’s dead.

Carm.

Yup! You thought living with your ex was awkward?

Try being trapped with said ex in a magical library after you got her sister killed and then

sacrificed your school and your friends and your morals to save her life.

And she still hasn’t followed me back on Twitter.

And yeah I know I’m supposed to come up with some brave new plan to stop Corvae instead

of letting Carm go all Lizzie Borden on her mother it’s just- I’m not saying I’m pro-evil now.

If I see someone kicking a puppy I won’t be all “Yay! Go about your puppy-kicking business unhindered!”

It’s just...

Maybe I’m not the girl to pick a fight with some ancient fiend I could never beat anyway.

But what am I talking about?

This is a lifestyle show and you don’t exist so…entertainment!

When you’re trapped inside for two months cabin fever is a factor.

Try learning a new skill.

Like learning to play the Harry Potter theme on water glasses.

[Rumbling]

Why does this always happen?