One week from today

the presidential election will be over,

and that day cannot come soon enough,

because not only is it ruining the country,

it's ruining my Fridays.

Every Friday afternoon-- you think I'm joking--

but every Friday afternoon,

some new huge breaking story rocks the political world.

The pussy grab tape, Friday afternoon.

The DNC hack, Friday afternoon.

Hillary's secret speech transcripts, Friday afternoon.

TGIF used to mean Thank God it's Friday,

now it stands for "This Government is (bleep).

(laughter and applause)

And...

And last Friday afternoon, last Friday afternoon, like usual,

we got another bombshell.

TV REPORTER: The FBI's Clinton bombshell.

TV REPORTER: A blockbuster double-barreled

October surprise from FBI Director James Comey.

He is investigating Hillary Clinton and her server again.

He says this in connection with an unrelated case,

the FBI has learned of the existence of e-mails

that appear pertinent to the investigation.

Oh, you thought the email scandal was over?

Well, it turns out, Comey don't play dat!

(laughter)

And-and look at how the scandal has effected everything.

Before last week, Hillary had this election in the bag.

Trump had been outed as a pervert

who tries to conceal the size of his tiny hands

-by hiding them inside vaginas. -(laughter)

Hillary wasn't just winning, I mean,

she was measuring the drapes in the Oval Office,

and making sure she had a pantsuit to match.

-But now... -(laughter)

But now since Comey's completely ambiguous revelation,

Hillary's lead has been cut in half,

and it turns out the only thing worse than this discovery

was how it was discovered.

TV REPORTER: Those emails found on a laptop

belonging to Anthony Weiner,

the husband of Clinton's long-time aid Huma Abedin,

currently under investigation

for sexting with a purportedly underaged girl.

Anthony Weiner?!

Are you kidding me?

Hillary Clinton, 30 years of public service,

and her whole life is going to be taken down

by this guy's dick pics?

You know what this feels like?

You know what this feels like in a way?

It feels like this is the penis, the penis itself

trying one last time to stop the vagina

from getting into the White House.

Like, it seems like Anthony Weiner's penis

is sacrificing itself for all the other penises out there

just diving in front of the election like,

"Nooooo!

(cheers and applause)

And, by the way, by the way, if you don't know Anthony Weiner,

this is not the first time his dick

has blown up in everyone's face.

TV REPORTER: It came from Congressman's Anthony Weiner's

Twitter account over the weekend,

a photo of an anonymous man's bulging underwear.

Is that a photograph of you?

We're trying to find out the s...

where that photograph came from.

Congressman Anthony Weiner

resigns amid intense pressure over his sexting scandal.

REPORTER: Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner

wants another shot at political life.

REPORTER 2: Former congressman Anthony Weiner

enters the New York City mayor's race.

Anthony Weiner caught in a sexting scandal yet again.

REPORTER 3: Weiner has now plummeted

to fourth place in the polls.

REPORTER 4: Weiner lost by a very wide margin.

REPORTER 5: Weiner was caught sexting yet again.

REPORTER 6: Perhaps worst of all, Weiner allegedly

sent out a picture of the couple's son,

climbed into bed with him while he was sexting.

God damn.

It's like this guy is trying to see

how many times he can end his career.

He's gonna go to medical school next.

They'll be like, "Congratulations, Dr. Weiner,

here's your diploma." And he'll be like,

"Uh, here's your dick pic, I'm out."

And if you don't know much about Anthony Weiner,

all you need to know is, uh,

he's a guy who's known for sexting total strangers.

He once pretended his name was Carlos Danger,

which is the only name that sounds more fake

than Tony Weiner,

and he texted a woman named Sydney Leathers

that he promised to bang her so hard

that her tits would hit her in the face. Yes.

Uh, once again, a politician making empty promises.

This (bleep) is so crazy

and at the same time the story is so Shakespearean...

You know, think about it.

Hillary survives Bill's sex scandal,

but now gets a scandal from her top aide's husband

and it was Bill who married them.

Not to mention that Trump

got his sex scandal from Billy Bush,

whose uncle was defeated by Hillary's husband

before Trump later defeated his cousin Jeb!

There are only, like,

15 characters in the entire story.

Now, because Weiner's sexting has potentially exposed

new Hillary e-mails, the investigation

is facing a-a time crunch.

And fortunately, the FBI has a plan.

REPORTER: FBI forensic experts have developed a program

with key search terms, and the process

of sifting through the records

on Anthony Weiner's computer has begun.

You know, I-I feel so bad for those FBI agents.

Think about it-- you went through the grueling training,

you dreamed of taking down mob bosses and serial killers.

And now, you're basically living the life

of a harassed woman on Tinder.

Dick pic. Dick pic.

Dick pic. Dick pic. Oh, wait, there's a fa...

Nope, that's an upside down dick.

Dick pic. Dick pic.

You know what would make the story even crazier?

Is if Donald Trump predicted this over a year ago.

Trump was one of the people sounding the alarm

about Anthony Weiner's proximity

to sensitive information early on.

Huma, now, is one of the people

that it all sort of came through Huma.

Who is Huma married to?

(crowd clamors)

One of the great sleazebags of our time--

Anthony Weiner.

You know, the little bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.

So, Huma is getting

classified secrets.

Do you think there's even a five percent chance

that she's not telling Anthony Weiner,

now of a public relations firm,

what the hell is coming across?

Where was Trump-- in a revival tent?

The way he's talking about that story--

"Any of this..." It's like he's casting out demons.

"And then I said to the demon...

"I said to the demon, 'Get out, demon!'

"Bing, bing, bong, bong.

"Uh, bing, bing, bong, bong, get out, demon!

"I cast you out now, demon!

Get out!"

He sounded like a madman. That was a year ago.

But when Trump was shouting, "Bing, bing, bong, bong,"

he was actually making sense. Even though he looks and talks

like Beaker from The Muppets.

Bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.

(babbles)

Yeah, Trump-Trump is the-the one on the left.

The one on the right... the one on the right

is more qualified to be president.

Now, can you imagine... can you imagine

what the Founding Fathers would think of this election?

Have you ever thought about that?

Because they don't have dick pic scandals, you know?

I mean, partly because back then you had to employ an artist

to do an oil painting of your member.

But... I'll tell you this. I know a lot of people

are thrown by this Anthony Weiner scandal.

And there's one thing we should learn from all of this is

Anthony Weiner-- he needs to start

using his dick pics for good.

No, seriously. He's-he's so talented

at getting attention paid to his penis.

Think about it-- this scandal was gone

and his penis has brought the e-mails back.

He needs to harness that power

to raise awareness for important issues.

He should put a polar bear on a melted arctic ice cap

in the background. Yeah. And then people would be like,

"Did you see what happened with that?

We've got to investigate climate change."