A time for horror! A time for...SCARES!

Wait...where's-where's the thing?

I thought that--OH SON OF A-

See, I was originally gonna put that picture up to scare you guys,

but I'm not a jerk, so--

(screaming)

Alright, maybe a little jerky.

Jerky?

Hey guys!

So it's been made pretty clear to me by some of you guys

that I have been neglecting my vlogging for a little bit.

A lot of you guys have been saying things like:

(in whiny voice) Why do you only do skits now?

You only make fake trailers now!

First Candy Crush: The Trailer, then Naruto: The Trailer

and now Aquaman: The Trailer?

Bring back the Off The Pill videos!

I miss the vlogging days.

I don't know why you guys all sound the same and sound like Regina.

First of all, I don't just make trailers now.

That's like three videos out of the whole year!

But being that I post about three videos a year,

yeah, I guess you're right.

Second of all, what's wrong with trailers?

Trailers are fun! They're fast, they're quick, they're nice

and-and mixed up with a bunch of shots--

Yeah, okay, I haven't vlogged in a while. And that's why I'm here!

Back to the subject!

So it is that time of the year again.

The scariest month of the year: October.

And, for whatever reason, someone thought it'd be a good idea

to make this month all about celebrating fear.

Well, growing up I actually hated October.

Because all they would show on TV, and all the new movies were always horrors.

And it's a little embarrassing, but when I was younger,

I used to be the biggest chicken.

(clucking)

(mooing)

And, also, I used to really hate horror movies.

I honestly couldn't watch them when I was younger because

I was so afraid of them that it would actually affect me in real life.

I mean, I used to have to hold my pee in late at night

because I was too scared to go to the bathroom by myself.

Sometimes I was so afraid that I didn't even brush my teeth

'cause I was afraid that I was gonna see something in the bathroom mirror.

And every single time I went to the bathroom, I would always

have to check behind the shower curtain to make sure

there was no dead bodies laying inside the tub.

Come to think of it, anything bathroom related after a scary movie

is scary as...fff--F***.

When you're as much of a B****, as I was.

Sorry, guys, I'm just trying to keep this PG because I know

a lot of the people that need these tips aren't used to reading

our language and sh*t.

Sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

(whispers) Don't tell your parents.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah!

Once I decided that I was sick and tired of being afraid,

and letting fear overcome my mind and control my actions

and tell me who I can and cannot be...

I created the following tips that would not only help you get over that fear,

but to help you enjoy it! To cause it!

To teach it to people like you!

(evil chuckle)

HA HA HA HA--

(hacking)

I got sick from the Aquaman video last week.

Don't swim at night.

So the main way I got over my fear of horror movies

is by bringing them into perspective.

If you think about how easy it really is to survive in a horror movie,

you'll find it pretty easy to survive watching one.

These are some of the tips I would tell you if you were in a horror movie.

(floorboards creak)

First tip: Don't be an idiot.

Use common sense! Never go towards the sound.

The number one thing that pisses me off in horror movies

is that why are all the characters stupid?

If you're running away from a ghost or a killer and you hear something

in the other room, why the hell would you go check it out?!

When you hear something freaky, stay away from it! That's common sense.

Next tip: Have basic coordination and cardio.

Why is it that when there's something chasing you,

you guys always seem to fall down?

I mean, honestly, how often do you really fall down when you run?

Seriously, how hard is it to keep running when a killer's chasing after you?

If you have normal coordination, you should be able to outrun a killer.

I mean, most of the time the killer's at a huge disadvantage.

For example, take the Chainsaw Massacre guy.

The guy is dressed in a suit-- that's already hard to run in,

let alone the fact that he has to wear a mask, which limits his vision.

He should be the one that's tripping--not you!

And the fact that he has to carry a chainsaw!

Do you know how heavy a chainsaw is?!

Me neither--but it's probably a lot heavier than not carrying anything,

which is what you should be carrying!

Nothing, that is.

I mean, if you can't outrun that guy, honestly,

you deserve whatever he has coming to you.

(screaming)

Oh no! (screaming)

Uh, did you really need me for this?

I ain't tryin' to get no splinters!

This next one might sound a little messed up,

but if you're in a horror movie, it's always good to have a clumsy, dumb friend.

See, this is the guy or girl that's gonna trip when you're running away.

I mean, it's not that bad. Think of it as an honorable sacrifice.

Don't ever film yourself sleeping.

If you really think your house is haunted, either you ignore it or get out!

Because, really, if you film yourself sleeping, you only have two options:

Either you're gonna see something that'll scare you even more--

or you're gonna have hours of boring ass footage to watch.

And, honestly, I don't know what's worse.

Basements and attics should always be off limits.

For some reason, every single bad thing starts off in an attic or a basement.

Am I the only one that never had a basement or attic in my house?

I've lived in four different houses now and I've never had a basement or an attic.

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

If you're hiding from the bad guy, always keep your cell phone on silent.

Cell phones always ring at the absolute worst time.

When you're taking a test, during a movie, at church,

hiding from a serial killer-- Yeah, Tony the Tiger.

Come on, it's basic hide-and-seek etiquette.

Never open mirror cabinets.

Once you open a mirror cabinet, the moment you close it

there's gonna be somebody behind it.

And if not, the moment you turn after that there's gonna be someone there too.

Go on the offensive.

This may not apply for all Horror movie antagonists.

These are more for the possessed dolls and ghosts and whatnot.

All these killers or ghosts or whatever are used to people running

away from them and hiding.

The last thing they would expect is for you to attack back.

Some of the most scary Horror villains are actually the least intimidating

if you really think about it.

For example, the girl from The Ring.

If a little creepy girl were to crawl out of your TV and try to kill you--

Yes, she's creepy, but she's a little girl!

Kick her ass!

Or say you have a little possessed doll named Chucky

chasing after you and your family.

Just have somebody hold him down and punt that sh*t!

And if you somehow do manage to get them down, just remember:

Finish the job!

Don't ever walk over to what you think is the dead body.

Why do you have to check anyway? They're never dead the first time.

Do not own a record player.

Seriously, it's 2013.

You should not--no one should have a record player anymore.

Unless you want to hear it turn on by itself or maybe change track at one time

or just start spinning backwards and start reversing everything

and have some demonic voice come out--

(singing) Tip toe by the window! By the window!

That is where I'll be...

Never look into a small peephole or a small crack or a little space

'cause chances are-- I'm not even exaggerating--

you're gonna see another eyeball.

Never lean on a door to listen for the killer.

The killer knows exactly where you are at all times!

He has [inaudible]! And because physics do not apply

in Horror movies, he's gonna stab you right through that door.

If you're gonna be a hider, do not hide under the bed.

In Horror movies, hiding under the bed is not hiding.

You're gonna get dragged by a clown or a killer or something

because that's your own fault. That's the first place I would look.

If there's signs telling you to GTFO...

GTFO.

For example, if you walk into a room and there's one single light source

hanging from a ceiling, you should probably GTFO.

If you walk into a room and any of the lights are flickering,

you should probably GTFO.

If you get a new house for a really good deal

and all the other neighbors are scared of you, GTFO!

If you see someone in a reflection of a window or a mirror

that's not supposed to be there...

If you hear that the previous owner was murdered in your house...

If you ever see anyone that's in your house that's NOT supposed

to be in your house...

If you have a kid that knows how to astral project...

If you have no cell phone service...

If it's always storming....

If there's a sign that says BEWARE...

If there's a sign that says KEEP OUT...

and if there's literally a sign that says GTFO...

Get it, because I would like to have that sign. That's really cool.

And last, and probably the most important tip:

Don't do anything that a PSA would tell you not to do.

You know, like drugs, sex and violence.

Do not do drugs.

Don't be the Stoner Guy. He's guaranteed to die.

Abstinence.

If you're having sex, most often in a car for some reason,

you're gonna die.

And do not be a violent person.

The killer will out-violent you. 'Cause the more violent you are,

the more violent your death is gonna be.

Come to think of it, Horror movies actually have really good morals.

I mean, if people really wanna stop kids from doing drugs,

sex and violence, they should start showing these movies in classes.

I mean, that's more persuasive than Sex-Ed and Drug-Ed

and Violin-Ted.

(scary violin music)

Anyway, that's pretty much all the tips I could think

of off the top of my head.

I'm sure I missed a lot of horror movie survival tips.

Feel free to leave them in the comments below if you have a better one.

But thank you guys so much for watching. I know I haven't vlogged in a while.

And for all the new subscribers, I know you guys aren't used

to this sort of me, so let me know if you like this style of video

or if you absolutely hated it.

I'll have another video up before Halloween,

but just in case it's not a vlog and I don't get the chance to say it,

just remember: I hope you guys have a very happy Halloween.

Be safe and just remember...

When the night is young and fear runs deep...

those who fear will find the creep!

So check your bathrooms and check your beds

- and check all the--CHECK ALL THE-- - (scary music drowns out Ryan's voice)

CHECK ALL--Ted!

Can you stop playing that violin so loud?! I'm trying to vlog here.

But this isn't a violin. This is an ukulele.

(scary violin music)

(panting)

Whew, sorry guys. It's--

This is a weird video, but it's been a while since I've vlogged

freestyle like this before, so give me some time.