A time for horror! A time for...SCARES!

恐怖的時間！驚嚇的時間！

Wait...where's-where's the thing?

等等...那個呢...那東西在哪?

I thought that--OH SON OF A-

我以為...噢他x的

See, I was originally gonna put that picture up to scare you guys,

看吧，我本來是要放那張照片出來嚇你們的

but I'm not a jerk, so--

但我沒那麼壞，所以…

(screaming)

（尖叫聲）

Alright, maybe a little jerky.

好啦，可能有一點壞

Jerky?

肉乾？

Hey guys!

嘿大家！

So it's been made pretty clear to me by some of you guys

你們有些人暗示的很明顯

that I have been neglecting my vlogging for a little bit.

我有點疏忽我的影音網誌了

A lot of you guys have been saying things like:

很多人一直在說：

(in whiny voice) Why do you only do skits now?

(發牢騷的語氣)為什麼你現在只發諷刺文？

You only make fake trailers now!

你現在只做假的預告片！

First Candy Crush: The Trailer, then Naruto: The Trailer

一開始是Candy Crush預告.然後是火影忍者預告

and now Aquaman: The Trailer?

而現在是水行俠預告？

Bring back the Off The Pill videos!

還我Off The Pill影片！

I miss the vlogging days.

我想念那些有影片的日子

I don't know why you guys all sound the same and sound like Regina.

我不懂為什麼你們全都聽起來一樣而且聽起來像Regina

First of all, I don't just make trailers now.

首先，我現在不只做預告片而已

That's like three videos out of the whole year!

那樣是整整一年只做了三部影片！

But being that I post about three videos a year,

但因為我一年大概po了三部影片

yeah, I guess you're right.

好吧，我想你們是對的

Second of all, what's wrong with trailers?

第二，預告片有哪裡不好？

Trailers are fun! They're fast, they're quick, they're nice

預告片很好玩啊！它們很快，它們很迅速，它們很好

and-and mixed up with a bunch of shots--

而且還融合了很多鏡頭

Yeah, okay, I haven't vlogged in a while. And that's why I'm here!

好，ok，我有一陣子沒有發影片了，所以我才在這裡！

Back to the subject!

回到主題！

So it is that time of the year again.

又到了一年中的那個時候

The scariest month of the year: October.

一年中最可怕的月份：十月

And, for whatever reason, someone thought it'd be a good idea

基於某種原因，有人覺得這是個好主意

to make this month all about celebrating fear.

讓頌揚恐懼成為這個月的重點

Well, growing up I actually hated October.

嗯，在成長過程中我其實恨透了十月

Because all they would show on TV, and all the new movies were always horrors.

因為電視上播的，還有新上映的電影都是恐怖的

And it's a little embarrassing, but when I was younger,

說來有點不好意思，但我小時候

I used to be the biggest chicken.

我是個超級膽小鬼

(clucking)

(喀喀...)

(mooing)

（哞～～）

And, also, I used to really hate horror movies.

而且，我也非常討厭恐怖片

I honestly couldn't watch them when I was younger because

我小時候真的不敢看因為

I was so afraid of them that it would actually affect me in real life.

我怕恐怖片怕到我的生活都被它們影響了

I mean, I used to have to hold my pee in late at night

我是說，我半夜得憋尿

because I was too scared to go to the bathroom by myself.

因為我怕到不敢一個人去廁所

Sometimes I was so afraid that I didn't even brush my teeth

有時候我會怕到不敢刷牙

'cause I was afraid that I was gonna see something in the bathroom mirror.

因為我怕會在浴室鏡子裡看到怪東西

And every single time I went to the bathroom, I would always

而且我每次進浴室

have to check behind the shower curtain to make sure

都一定會檢查浴簾後面，好確保

there was no dead bodies laying inside the tub.

浴缸裡沒有屍體

Come to think of it, anything bathroom related after a scary movie

想一想，所有和浴室有關的東西在看完恐怖片後

is scary as...fff--F***.

都可怕的像...fff-F***

When you're as much of a B****, as I was.

當你和我一樣像個B****

Sorry, guys, I'm just trying to keep this PG because I know

抱歉各位，我只是想盡量保持輔導級因為我知道

a lot of the people that need these tips aren't used to reading

很多需要這些建議的人不習慣

our language and sh*t.

讀我們的語言還有sh*t

Sh*t!

Sh*t！

Oh, sh*t!

喔，sh*t！

(whispers) Don't tell your parents.

（小聲）不要跟你爸媽說

What was I talking about? Oh yeah!

剛剛講到哪了？喔對！

Once I decided that I was sick and tired of being afraid,

在我下定決心，我已經厭倦了懼怕

and letting fear overcome my mind and control my actions

厭倦了讓恐懼盤據我心、控制我的行動

and tell me who I can and cannot be...

告訴我何去何從...

I created the following tips that would not only help you get over that fear,

我想出底下幾招幫你不僅克服恐懼

but to help you enjoy it! To cause it!

還讓你享受恐懼！創造恐懼！

To teach it to people like you!

教你們這種人恐懼！

(evil chuckle)

(奸笑)

HA HA HA HA--

哈哈哈哈…

(hacking)

(咳嗽)

I got sick from the Aquaman video last week.

我上星期拍水行俠影片時感冒了

Don't swim at night.

絕不要在晚上游泳

So the main way I got over my fear of horror movies

所以我克服對恐怖片的恐懼的主要方法

is by bringing them into perspective.

就是透視它們

If you think about how easy it really is to survive in a horror movie,

你想想看在恐怖片裡有多容易生還

you'll find it pretty easy to survive watching one.

你就會發現活著看完恐怖片還滿簡單的

These are some of the tips I would tell you if you were in a horror movie.

如果你們在一部恐怖片裡，我有些建議要告訴你們

(floorboards creak)

(地板吱嘎聲)

First tip: Don't be an idiot.

第一招：別耍智障

Use common sense! Never go towards the sound.

用點常識！絕不要朝聲音走

The number one thing that pisses me off in horror movies

恐怖片裡最惹火我的

is that why are all the characters stupid?

就是那些人為什麼那麼笨？

If you're running away from a ghost or a killer and you hear something

如果你正在逃離一個鬼或一個殺人魔，而你聽見聲音

in the other room, why the hell would you go check it out?!

從其他房間傳來，你為什麼要去檢查？！

When you hear something freaky, stay away from it! That's common sense.

當你聽到可怕聲音的時候，趕快離開！這是常識

Next tip: Have basic coordination and cardio.

第二招：有基本的協調能力和心臟功能

Why is it that when there's something chasing you,

為什麼只要有東西在追你

you guys always seem to fall down?

你就一定會跌倒？

I mean, honestly, how often do you really fall down when you run?

我是說，認真想一想，你跑步是有多常跌倒？

Seriously, how hard is it to keep running when a killer's chasing after you?

拜託，殺人魔在追你的時候拼命一直跑是有多難?

If you have normal coordination, you should be able to outrun a killer.

如果你有正常的協調能力，你應該可以跑的比殺人魔快

I mean, most of the time the killer's at a huge disadvantage.

我的意思是，殺人魔通常都處於劣勢

For example, take the Chainsaw Massacre guy.

舉例來說，德州電鋸殺人狂

The guy is dressed in a suit-- that's already hard to run in,

那傢伙穿著西裝--那已經夠難跑了

let alone the fact that he has to wear a mask, which limits his vision.

更不用說他還戴著面具阻礙了他的視野

He should be the one that's tripping--not you!

他才應該要跌倒--而不是你！

And the fact that he has to carry a chainsaw!

而且他還要戴著一把電鋸！

Do you know how heavy a chainsaw is?!

你知道電鋸有多重嗎？！

Me neither--but it's probably a lot heavier than not carrying anything,

我也不知道--但那很有可能比什麼都不帶還要重多了

which is what you should be carrying!

那就是你應該帶著的！

Nothing, that is.

什麼都不帶，就是這樣

I mean, if you can't outrun that guy, honestly,

我的意思是，如果你跑不過那傢伙，老實說

you deserve whatever he has coming to you.

不論他對你做了什麼都是你活該

(screaming)

(尖叫)

Oh no! (screaming)

喔不！(尖叫)

Uh, did you really need me for this?

呃，你真的需要我這麼做嗎？

I ain't tryin' to get no splinters!

我在試著不要製造碎片！

This next one might sound a little messed up,

下一個可能聽起來有點刻薄

but if you're in a horror movie, it's always good to have a clumsy, dumb friend.

但當你身處恐怖片裡，有個既不靈活又愚笨的朋友總是好的

See, this is the guy or girl that's gonna trip when you're running away.

看吧，他就是當你們在逃跑時會跌倒的那個人

I mean, it's not that bad. Think of it as an honorable sacrifice.

其實沒那麼糟，把它當成光榮的犧牲吧

Don't ever film yourself sleeping.

絕對不要錄自己睡覺

If you really think your house is haunted, either you ignore it or get out!

如果你真的覺得你家鬧鬼，要嘛忽視它不然就離開！

Because, really, if you film yourself sleeping, you only have two options:

因為，說真的，如果你錄自己睡覺，你只會有兩個結果：

Either you're gonna see something that'll scare you even more--

要不是你會看到更嚇人的東西

or you're gonna have hours of boring ass footage to watch.

不然就是你會花好幾個小時在看無聊得要死的影片

And, honestly, I don't know what's worse.

老實說,我不知道哪個比較糟

Basements and attics should always be off limits.

地下室和閣樓應該永遠都禁止進入

For some reason, every single bad thing starts off in an attic or a basement.

因為某些原因，每件壞事都是從閣樓或地下室開始的

Am I the only one that never had a basement or attic in my house?

我是唯一一個家裡從來沒有地下室或閣樓的人嗎？

I've lived in four different houses now and I've never had a basement or an attic.

我住過四棟不同的房子而我從來沒有地下室或閣樓

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

我好像錯過了什麼

If you're hiding from the bad guy, always keep your cell phone on silent.

如果你在躲壞人，千萬要把手機設成靜音

Cell phones always ring at the absolute worst time.

手機總是在最糟糕的時間點響起來

When you're taking a test, during a movie, at church,

考試中，看電影時，做禮拜的時候

hiding from a serial killer-- Yeah, Tony the Tiger.

躲避連續殺人狂的時候--對，Tony虎

Come on, it's basic hide-and-seek etiquette.

拜託，這是基本的躲貓貓禮儀

Never open mirror cabinets.

絕對不要打開鏡櫃

Once you open a mirror cabinet, the moment you close it

一但你打開了鏡櫃，當你關上的那一刻

there's gonna be somebody behind it.

一定有人在鏡子後面

And if not, the moment you turn after that there's gonna be someone there too.

如果沒有，你一轉身也一定有人在那裡

Go on the offensive.

採取進攻態勢

This may not apply for all Horror movie antagonists.

這也許不適用於所有的恐怖片反派角色

These are more for the possessed dolls and ghosts and whatnot.

比較適用於鬼娃和鬼和諸如此類的東西

All these killers or ghosts or whatever are used to people running

所有的殺人魔或鬼或隨便什麼東西都習慣人們

away from them and hiding.

逃離他們或躲避他們

The last thing they would expect is for you to attack back.

它們最意想不到的就是你反擊

Some of the most scary Horror villains are actually the least intimidating

有些最可怕的恐怖片壞蛋其實是最不嚇人的

if you really think about it.

假如你認真想想

For example, the girl from The Ring.

例如，七夜怪談裡的女孩

If a little creepy girl were to crawl out of your TV and try to kill you--

假如有個恐怖的小女孩爬出你的電視而且要殺死你--

Yes, she's creepy, but she's a little girl!

對，她很恐怖，但她是個小女孩！

Kick her ass!

踹她屁股！

Or say you have a little possessed doll named Chucky

或是假設你有個被鬼附身的小娃娃名叫恰吉

chasing after you and your family.

追著你和你的家人

Just have somebody hold him down and punt that sh*t!

只要叫某個人壓制住他然後踢那狗*！

And if you somehow do manage to get them down, just remember:

如果你成功壓制住他們了，記住：

Finish the job!

把你的任務完成！

Don't ever walk over to what you think is the dead body.

千萬不要走向你以為是屍體的東西

Why do you have to check anyway? They're never dead the first time.

你為什麼非得檢查不可呢？他們第一次絕對不會死

Do not own a record player.

不要擁有電唱機

Seriously, it's 2013.

認真的，現在是2013年

You should not--no one should have a record player anymore.

你不應該--沒有人應該還有電唱機

Unless you want to hear it turn on by itself or maybe change track at one time

除非你想聽到它自己啟動或改變磁軌

or just start spinning backwards and start reversing everything

或開始倒帶然後讓一切倒轉

and have some demonic voice come out--

然後冒出惡魔般的聲音--

(singing) Tip toe by the window! By the window!

(唱)踮腳走過窗邊！走過窗邊！

That is where I'll be...

我就在那兒...

Never look into a small peephole or a small crack or a little space

千萬別朝窺視孔或小裂縫或小空間裡面看

'cause chances are-- I'm not even exaggerating--

因為很有可能--我沒有誇大--

you're gonna see another eyeball.

你會看到另一顆眼球

Never lean on a door to listen for the killer.

別靠在門上聽殺人魔

The killer knows exactly where you are at all times!

殺人魔總是知道你確切的位置

He has [inaudible]! And because physics do not apply

而且因為物理不適用於

in Horror movies, he's gonna stab you right through that door.

恐怖片，他會直接穿過那扇門刺傷你

If you're gonna be a hider, do not hide under the bed.

如果你想躲起來，不要躲在床底下

In Horror movies, hiding under the bed is not hiding.

在恐怖片裡，躲在床底下根本不是躲

You're gonna get dragged by a clown or a killer or something

你會被小丑或殺人魔或什麼東西拖出來

because that's your own fault. That's the first place I would look.

那都是你的錯。那會是我第一個檢查的地方

If there's signs telling you to GTFO...

如果有任何徵兆叫你滾開...

GTFO.

那就滾開

For example, if you walk into a room and there's one single light source

舉例來說，如果你走進一間房間，而且只有單一個光源

hanging from a ceiling, you should probably GTFO.

懸掛在天花板上，你應該滾開

If you walk into a room and any of the lights are flickering,

如果你走進一間房間,所有的燈都在閃爍

you should probably GTFO.

你應該滾開

If you get a new house for a really good deal

如果你用非常划算的價格買到一棟新房子

and all the other neighbors are scared of you, GTFO!

而所有的鄰居都很怕你，滾開！

If you see someone in a reflection of a window or a mirror

如果你在窗戶或鏡子看見某個

that's not supposed to be there...

不應該在那裡的人...

If you hear that the previous owner was murdered in your house...

如果你聽說前屋主在你的房子裡被謀殺...

If you ever see anyone that's in your house that's NOT supposed

如果你看到某個不該出現的人

to be in your house...

出現在你家裡...

If you have a kid that knows how to astral project...

如果你有個小孩可以遙控物體...

If you have no cell phone service...

如果你的手機沒有訊號...

If it's always storming....

如果那裡總是狂風暴雨...

If there's a sign that says BEWARE...

如果那裡有個告示說｢注意｣...

If there's a sign that says KEEP OUT...

如果那裡有個告示說｢禁止進入｣...

and if there's literally a sign that says GTFO...

或是假如那裡真的有個告示寫著｢滾開｣...

Get it, because I would like to have that sign. That's really cool.

拿走它，因為我很想要有那個告示牌，超酷的

And last, and probably the most important tip:

最後，很有可能是最重要的一招：

Don't do anything that a PSA would tell you not to do.

別做任何PSA會叫你別做的事

You know, like drugs, sex and violence.

你知道的，像是毒品、性、和暴力

Do not do drugs.

不要吸毒

Don't be the Stoner Guy. He's guaranteed to die.

別當毒蟲，他必死無疑

Abstinence.

禁慾

If you're having sex, most often in a car for some reason,

如果你在做愛，基於某些原因通常是在車上

you're gonna die.

你會死

And do not be a violent person.

不要當一個暴力的人

The killer will out-violent you. 'Cause the more violent you are,

殺人魔會比你更暴力，你愈是暴力

the more violent your death is gonna be.

你就會死的愈悽慘

Come to think of it, Horror movies actually have really good morals.

想想看，恐怖片其實有很好的寓意

I mean, if people really wanna stop kids from doing drugs,

我是說，如果人們真的想要阻止小孩接觸毒品、

sex and violence, they should start showing these movies in classes.

性、和暴力，他們應該在課堂上放這些電影

I mean, that's more persuasive than Sex-Ed and Drug-Ed

那比性教育和毒品教育

and Violin-Ted.

和小提琴...教學(雙關：暴力教育)有說服力多了

(scary violin music)

(恐怖小提琴音)

Anyway, that's pretty much all the tips I could think

總之，這大概是所有我

of off the top of my head.

不經考慮所能想到的方法了

I'm sure I missed a lot of horror movie survival tips.

我一定漏掉了很多恐怖片生存招數

Feel free to leave them in the comments below if you have a better one.

如果你有更好的方法歡迎在下面留言

But thank you guys so much for watching. I know I haven't vlogged in a while.

非常謝謝你們的收看，我知道我有好一陣子沒有發影片了

And for all the new subscribers, I know you guys aren't used

對新的訂閱者，我知道你們還不習慣

to this sort of me, so let me know if you like this style of video

這樣的我，所以如果你喜歡這類型的影片請告訴我

or if you absolutely hated it.

如果你超級討厭它也可以

I'll have another video up before Halloween,

我在萬聖節前會有一支新的影片

but just in case it's not a vlog and I don't get the chance to say it,

以防萬一它不是影音網誌而我沒有機會告訴你們

just remember: I hope you guys have a very happy Halloween.

記住：我希望你們都有非常開心的萬聖節

Be safe and just remember...

注意安全還要記住...

When the night is young and fear runs deep...

夜未央，恐懼漸深...

those who fear will find the creep!

膽小者，將被嚇昏!

So check your bathrooms and check your beds

所以檢查浴室和床鋪

- and check all the--CHECK ALL THE-- - (scary music drowns out Ryan's voice)

還有檢查所有的...檢查所有...(恐怖音樂蓋過Ryan的聲音)

CHECK ALL--Ted!