I'm 80% happy for you and the other 20% is the suppressed jealousy because I'm so alone.

Oh, I'm so nervous for my boyfriend to meet you two disasters.

Oh, there's something I read on the internet that I don't quite have all the details for.

But, if true, I find outrageous!

Wow...

Oh, ah, going to meet my boyfriend outside so he's less intimidated.

[If meeting her friends were honest]

I am so disappointed that you're late.

Oh, making up excuses about parking and traffic that aren't true at all.

Ok, 15 seconds summaries about my friends, and their backgrounds, and words of encouragement because I need to believe them myself...

Ohh, aggressive intimacy!

If you impress me, I'll be your biggest asset in this relationship.

Uh, we have nothing to talk about...

ummm...

Internally comparing you to all her ex-boyfriends.

Oh, uh, politely asking what you do for work, but I'm really checking to see if you're a deadbeat or not.

Oversimplifying my job to the point of inaccuracy, just so you understand.

I know people like to talk about themselves.

Yeah, uh, playing myself up.

Talking about all the activities I do to distract from the gaping hole that is my life.

Launching into a detailed explanation of something that nobody...

Interrupting you because I feel like a mediator and you tend to go on and on...

Robbie, prodding about something you love 'cause I need you to smile and not look like such an asshole.

Yeah, if you hurt her, I will kill you.

Relating that to something I know about Kelsey, so you guys know I listen.

Ahh, positive things about Kelsey.

Yeah, she's all we have in common.

Maneuvering into a conversation about something that I just read on the internet!

I was just talking about that!

Well, then I'll try out a potentially offensive joke.

(Laughing)

Trying not to be a stick in the mud, but definitely offended.

I like you better now that I know you're a hater too.

Okay, defending Chris's joke.

Trying not to seem too emotionally overworked by politics.

Ahh, apologizing even though I totally don't mean it.

Ohh, um, I'd like to get drunk in the morning.

Joke at Kelsey's expense.

I mean, joke at Kelsey's expense.

(Laughing)

Wondering why I hate y‘all all of a sudden.

Negative things about Kelsey.

No, negative things about Kelsey.

Eh, negative things about Kelsey.

Trying not to seem outrageous. Glad you guys are all getting along.

Alcohol.

Alcohol makes us friends!