Nothing exciting ever happens- OH MY GOD, I JUST GOT TRANSPORTED TO A FANTASY WORLD AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA QUESTION IT

THIS IS AMAZING!

I'M GONNA HAVE THE GREATEST TIME EVER!

Subaru: Oh my God! They have Irishmen here!

Kadomon: Buy this fuckin' apple!

Subaru: Oh my God! They have naked furries here!

Oh my God! They have generic thugs about to beat me up here!

Thug: Give us your fuckin' money!

FUCK.

Best Girl (not really): Main love interest incoming! Hi, I'm Emi-

Subaru: I'm in love with you.

White Hair Elf Girl: Uh, what? We literally just met five minutes ago-

Subaru: Will you be my waifu?

Emilia: What the hell is a wai-

Subaru: Shhh, it's already done.

Emilia: I'm looking for my insignia.

Subaru: I think I saw it here- Oh, god, I'm dead.

Kadomon: Buy this fuckin' apple!

Did I just not die when I got killed???

Satella- uh, Emilia: That's strange, I've never met you before but I feel I have..

Do you ever get that feeling of deja vü?

Subaru: Shut up, Tracer.

OH, GOD, I'M DEAD.

Kadomon: BUY THIS FUCKIN' APPLE.

Subaru: Okay, I keep dying and waking up in front of this guy, so that means..

Narrator: Yeeeeeeeees?

Subaru: That I have the ability to...

Narrator: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?

>le gasp of realization

Narrator: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES?!

Subaru: *groans of pain*

Nope, still can't figure it out.

Narrator: Oh, for fuck's- YOU CAN RETURN TO A VERY SPECIFIC POINT IN TIME, EVERY TIME YOU DIE.

>mfw i realize i don't die when i'm killed

Subaru: I can return to a very specific point in time every time I die!

Narrator: THANK YOU!

Subaru: Thanks, Mr Save Point Guy!

Save Point Guy: Actually, my name's-

Subaru: MR SAVE POINT GUY!

I'll trade you the insignia for this phone.

Discount Shrek: Who the hell uses flip-phones anymore?

Subaru: Haha, shut the FUCK UP.

Fem Jeff the Killer: You can have the insignia over my dead, sexy body!

Boner-kun: She *is* pretty sexy, y'know.

Subaru: Shut up, boner, now's not the time!

Well, it's a good thing I've got a swordsman!

>expuroshion

Subaru: You said you were a swordsman, not a suicide bomber!

Reinhardt: What's the difference?

Elsa: Mark my words, you'll definitely see me again!

And we'll never see her again!

Ram: We're twins who everyone thought we were lesbians at first.

Best Girl: Yes, we're so in sync-

Ram: We can finish eachother's-

Best Girl: Banana.

Ram: Dammit, Rem.

Subaru: So what's the real difference between the two of you?

Ram: Nobody really gives a shit about me. ;_;

Lemme be your butler, please please PLEAAAAAAASE!

You can if you take a bath with the creepy-looking pale guy who owns this mansion.

Not-Michael Jackson: Hee, hee!

No deal!

Subaru (thinking): Well, this doesn't seem so bad, I can get used to being a butler-

OH GOD, WHY'RE YOU KILLING ME?!

Best Girl?: CUZ YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT

IS THAT REALLY A REASON TO KILL SOMEONE?!

**PTSD INTENSIFIES**

Ram: Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Or a fuckin' psychopath, apparently.

Best Girl: Do you ever get that feeling of deja vü?

**TRACER-BASED PTSD INTENSIFIES**

No, I never get that

FUCKING

feeling of Day-Ja-Vuu!

But you're acting like-

NEVER.

Loli-tsun-child: There's a curse and we need to find the source.

Will this affect Emilia?

Look, you need to calm down with this Emilia obsession! If I said that Emilia told you to jump off a cliff, would you-

(dude wtf he actually did it)

I found the curse!

It was- it was the dog all along. Uh, I don't get it either.

Rem?

Yandere Best Girl: Mhm?

Smash.

REM SMASH! ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(yandere giggling here)

Best Girl: We're cool now, yeah?

Subaru: Are you kidding me?! You killed me multiple times! Like, pretty fuckin' horribly!

People don't just forget that!

But I want your dick now 8===D

Yeah, we cool.

Emilia: Subaru, I'm about to go to a really big event full of really important people.

Dense fuck: Got it, really big event, important people.

Emilia: Yes, so whatever you do, don't come inside ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and do anything you can to not embarrass me, got it?

Dense Fuck: Got it. Whatever I do, come inside ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and do anything I can to embarrass you.

What?! That's the complete opposite of what I said!

Ey, ey, ey, fuckfaces, which one of you cocksuckers has been shit-talking my waifu, Emilia?!

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE-

Old Guy #1: Silence! Royal candidates, introduce yourselves!

Princess Kawaii: I'm the cute one!

Soldier-Lady: I'm the cool one!

Queen Cunt: I'm hot as shit, but I'm also a massive cunt!

Obligatory Loli: I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Eyebrow Guy: I don't like Emilia.

HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE EMILIA, YOU FUZZY BLUE-EYEBROWED FUCK?!

Eyebrow Guy: What did he just say about my eyebrows?

Look, if you all don't understand the greatness that is Emilia-

Emilia (thinking): Stawp.

Dense fuck: You can just stand there and listen to my top 100 reasons

why Emilia is a great gal!

STAAAHP!

Number #100, she has white hair-

I swear to God, once this ends, I'm gonna fucking kill him!

Emilia, Emilia, Emilia. If you're so bloody obsessed with her, why don't you just marry her already?

MAYBE I WILL.

Emilia (in the background): I did not agree to that!

Yes you did.

Sudden Purple Hair Knight: Enough of this farce!

You're blatantly white knighting this girl in front of

LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF WHITE KNIGHTS.

Oh, yeah? Well.. your face is a white knight.

BOO-YAH!

What're you gonna do, take me outside and teach me a lesson-

(subaru suffering via wooden sword)

Yeah, you totally deserve that, you stupid asshole.

Subaru (thinking): I've had enough of this.

I need to tell her about my power,

even if it costs me my life, so be it!

At least for a second, she'll know my pain!

Emilia! I can Return by DE- (grunts)

Emilia: Erm, are you okay?

I can return to-

DAAAA- HAHAHA! (groaning in pain in the background)

Emilia: You want to Return to Denny's? Y-you're hungry? You want Denny's?

I can Return to DE-AAAAH, HAAAA!

You wanna go now? You wanna go get something to eat real quick?

What?! I'm just trying to help you!

You're being super rude right now!

I-I can't, I can't- (unintelligable mumbling, probs just random bullshit)

Emilia: Are you mocking me?!

Is that it? You think I'm stupid?!

(subaru srsly dude wtf have a snickers we can't understand you. also rapeface.)

FINE! If you wanna be such a massive dick about it, I'll just leave!

(fml)

Catgirl Trap: If you don't want Emilia, you can always have me ;)

Well hey, I didn't know the knights had hot catgirls, too.

Actually, I'm a boy.

No, you're fuckin' not.

No, really, I'm-

I said..

no

you're

fucking

not.

So, is the plot gonna kick in anytime soon?

Soldier-lady: Does suffering count as plot?

Subaru: No? QwQ

Too bad xD

SWEET JESUS

NOT THE LOLIS

WHY GOD

WHY IS THIS ANIME SO CRUEL

(actual reaction)

*gasp* I just had a horrible dream!

I was suffering, and there was a crazy guy who made Rem play Twister

AND THEN A WHALE ATE REM

Oh, God, Rem! Why do you keep doing this to Rem?

Ram: Uhhh, who's Rem?

(LSD foreshadowing music)

Are you fucking serious?

ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW-

(Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me plays)

Please tell me it can't get any worse...

Don't worry, I'm sure it can't get any worse-

(lol she dead)

Subaru: OH, GOD. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!

BEST GIRL: Cheer up, Subaru.

Let me make one of the most heartfelt speeches in recent anime

to make you feel better, cementing me as best girl!

WELL, I'M ALL BETTER NOW.

Also, I love you! :D

Fuck you, I love Emilia! :D

(laughter)

WHAT.

Yandere Best Girl: YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL KILL YOU.

Also, I love you!

I love you too!

Really? :D

No!

**TRIGGERED**

Look, how about we lighten up the mood a little? With uh, a joke!

You have jokes in this fantasy world, right?

Sure!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

I love..

I love wh-

Emilia. (ಠ_ಠ)

(sobbing) What is even so great about her?

WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T?!

She can smile?

And?

Sh-she can smile?

I'm not even mad. Maybe I should just be with someone who is not as dickless as you are!

Like who?

LIKE FELIX.

(sobbing from best girl)

Subaru (thinking): Wonder what I should have for dinner tonight?

Also, I-

NO.

NO MORE, OKAY?

But I need to tell you-

Look, whatever you want to tell me, I promise to listen after you help me. Can it wait after that?

Fiiiiine.

THANK GOD.

I do love Emilia, though.

Best Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Look, I just need your help taking down a whale.

Give me one reason why I should help you?

If you agree, you can be best girl.

DEAL!

Subaru (thinking): Hehe, I had my fingers crossed the entire time..

NOW LET'S KICK SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' WHALE ASS!

(cruelty towards whales intensifies)

We finally did it! And I couldn't have done it without your help,

uhhhhh

uuuuuuh

It's Rem (ಠ_ಠ)

REM! Yeah... I knew that.

You forgot, didn't you?

Look, I'm gonna go kill Betelgeuse now, so why don't you disappear for the rest of the season?

Alright, just please don't forget me-

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED

BUT LET'S KILL BETELGEUSE!

Pedo McRapeface: I'm Betelgeuse- EUGHH

Old Guy: No, I'm Betelgeuse!

Subaru McRapeface: No, I'M Betelgeuse!

E_E

Wait, FUUUUUCK-

Purple Hair Knight: And just when we thought the suffering was over..

Don't worry guys, the last respawn point shouldn't be too far away..

(Windows Error Sound)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Nyan~!

Welcome back! I'm still a boy, by the way.

Stop

Fucking.

REMINDING ME.

So what exactly is the plan now?

Alright, I just need to rip off an attack from another anime!

SPIRIT.. GUN!

Yusuke Urameshi: Dude. Not cool, man.

Don't worry, Emilia, I'll save you!

Emilia: Hold on.. Why? WHY?

Why are you doing this all for me? I don't get it! I heard Rem is head over heels in love with you!

She'd do anything for you!

So why are you going so far just for me?!