CALL WILL BE A CELEBRATION OF

THE FILM CAREER OF THE ONE, THE

ONLY, MR. MATT DAMON!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

OK.

MATT, ARE YOU READY TO DO THIS?

MATT: I'M READY.

JAMES: THEN LET'S GO.

MATT: HEY, DO YOU LIKE APPLES?

JAMES: WHAT?

MATT: DO YOU LIKE APPLES?

JAMES: YEAH.

MATT: WELL, I GOT HER NUMBER.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

JAMES: COWARDS!

[APPLAUSE]

MATT: WHERE'S CLOONEY?

JAMES: WELL, I'M GEORGE CLOONEY.

OBVIOUSLY.

MATT: YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S ROB A CASINO.

JAMES: WAIT!

LET'S ROB A MANSION ON LAKE

COMO!

[BELL]

MATT: LET'S ROB MORE CASINOS!

JAMES: YEAH!

MATT: ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CALL THE TWO GRAND.

I'LL GAMBLE.

DON'T SPLASH THE POT.

JAMES: YOU'RE ON A DRAW, MIKE?

THROW

AWAY THIS ONE.

AND IN MY CLUB,LY SPLASH THE POT

WHENEVER I PLEASE!

SO YOU WANT SOME MUSIC?

MATT: NOPE.

JAMES: LET'S HAVE SOME MUSIC!

♪

WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO

BECAUSE I'M NOT PLANNING ON GOIN

SOLO, WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU

GO-GO,

I WANNA

CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN

♪

MATT: JUST BE QUIET!

[APPLAUSE]

JAMES: WHERE IS HE?

WHERE'S PRIVATE RYAN?

MATT: I'M RIGHT HERE.

WAIT, WHAT IS IT, SIR?

JAMES: I'M TOM HANKS.

MATT: OK.

TOM HANKS.

♪

MATT: THIS WILL COME AS QUITE A

SHOCK

TO MY CREWMATES.

AND TO NASA.

AND TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.

BUT I'M STILL ALIVE.

SURPRISE.

HERE'S THE RUB, IT'S GOING TO BE

FOUR YEARS FOR ANOTHER

MISSION TO REACH ME, SO I GOT TO

MAKE WATER AND GROW FOOD ON A

PLANET WHERE NOTHING GROWS.

JAMES: GREETING, EARTHLINGS,

WELCOME TO MY PLANET.

MATT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JAMES: WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE

MOVIE

YET.

"THE MARTIAN" DOESN'T COME OUT

UNTIL FRIDAY.

MATT: THAT'S RIGHT, "THE

MARTIAN"

OPENS AT THEATRES EVERYWHERE

THIS WEEKEND, THE WEEKEND OF

OCTOBER 2ND.

JAMES: I'M JASON BOURNE!

I'M JASON BOURNE!

I'M STILL JASON BOURNE!

JAMES: YOU BOUGHT A ZOO?

MATT: NO, WE BOUGHT A ZOO.

[APPLAUSE]

MATT: ONE BURGER COMING UP.

WHOA!

ANOTHER BURGER COMING UP.

ONE LAST BURGER COMING UP.

[BELL]

[APPLAUSE]

MATT: THAT WAS AMAZING.

YOU'RE THE BEST PIANIST IN THE

WORLD.

I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING TO YOU,

SCOTT.

I WANT TO BE FATHER, BROTHER,

LOVER, BEST FRIEND.

MATT: I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

[BELL]

MATT: MARK WHITACRE, SECRET

AGENT

0014.

JAMES: WHY 0014?

MATT: BECAUSE I'M TWICE AS SMART

AS

007.

JAMES: THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

IN THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU.

MATT: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

FINE.

NEXT ONE.

JAMES: SHOOT THEM, MR. LABOEUF!

MATT: TOO FAR.

MOVING TOO FAST.

[APPLAUSE]

JAMES: YOU SEE THE TRICK IS TO

FIND YOUR SWING.

MATT: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

JAMES: WELL, YOU LOST YOUR

SWING.

WE GOT TO GO FIND IT.

NOW IT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE

HARMONY OF ALL THAT IS ALL THAT

WAS ALL THAT WILL BE.

FREEZE!

MATT: PUT THE GUN DOWN!

JAMES: PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO TALK.

YOU CAME HERE TO GET ARRESTED.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN BE A LEECH.

YOU KNOW THAT.

YOU CAN BE QUITE BORING.

MATT: IT'S A FUNNY THING BECAUSE

I'M NOT PRETENDING TO BE

SOMEBODY ELSE.

AND YOU ARE.

JAMES: BORING.

JAMES: --

MATT:I'M ABSOLUTELY HONEST WITH

YOU.

JAMES: BORING.

I'VE TOLD YOU MY FEELINGS.

I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT WANT TO

BE ON THIS BOAT WITH YOU.

I CAN'T MOVE WITHOUT YOU MOVING.

IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

MATT: SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

♪

TU VUO' FA' LL'AMERICANO

MERICANO MERICANO

SIENT'A ME CHI T' 'O FA FA'

TU VUOI VIVERE ALLA MODA

MA SE BEVI "WHISKY AND SODA

PO' TE SIENTE 'E DISTURBA

TU VUO' FA' LL'AMERICANO

MERICANO MERICANO

MA SI' NATO IN ITALY

SIENT' A MME NUN CE STA NIENTE

'A FA'

OK NAPULITAN

TU VUO' FA' LL'AMERICA

TU VUO' FA' LL'AMERICA

TU VUO' FA' LL'AMERICA

♪

JAMES: MATT DAMON, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MATT

AND ZACHARY LEVI!