We start off full of affection for one another, and then, with time, feelings fade.

我們會在一開始對彼此充滿愛意，接著感覺隨著時間沖淡。

We start prioritizing work, we check our phones while they're speaking, we don't especially want to hear how their day went.

我們開始以工作為重、在對方講話時看手機、我們不會特別想聽對方說他們一天過得如何。

There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost.

要解釋這種冷若冰霜的情感，有個很盛行的膚淺理由。

That people naturally get bored of one another in the same way as they get bored with everything else⏤

人本來就會自然而然地對彼次感到厭倦，如同他們會對任何事物都會感到無趣一般。

the gadget that once seemed so amazing, the film they used to love.

像是曾經看似了不起的玩意兒、以前熱愛過的電影。

Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

在這個說法當中，態度冷淡不過是熟悉感不可避免的結果。

But there's another explanation: dark at first, but, in the end, more hopeful.

但還有另一種解釋，一開始顯得絕望，但最終反而是更具希望的。

The loss of interest isn't either natural or inevitable.

失去興趣既不是自然而然也不是無可避免。

The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active.

無聊是一種更加複雜也更加活躍的情感。

It exists because we felt hurt by, angry with, or scared of our partner and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves⏤or them⏤about it.

它之所以存在是因為我們對另一半感到受傷、憤怒或懼怕，也因為我們還沒找到可以對自己或是對方宣洩這種感覺的方法。

Tuning out isn't inevitable⏤it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress; it's a way of coping.

不理睬對方是無可避免的，它是被否認請感困擾的症狀、是一種應付方式。

We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored.

我們是內心變得麻木，並非只是有點無聊。

This can sound strange; after all, we might have no active sense that our partner has been hurting, angering, or frightening us.

這聽起來可能很怪，畢竟我們可能並未主動察覺另外傷害、激怒或是驚嚇了我們。

The idea appears laughable or extreme; it makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings, neither of which is true.

這個想法顯得可笑或極端，讓我們的另一半聽起來像是怪物或是我們像是弱者，而這兩者都不是真的。

But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

不過那個在感情中愛人的自己，並不是我們在生活其他領域中身為正常成人的自己。

We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

我們多數時候可能非常機敏且適應性強，但愛人的那個人卻是非常脆弱的生物。

We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,

我們應該把它想像成較渺小、年幼、無助的自己，他居住在我們腦海裡，比起嬰孩時期的我們，並未更堅強或聰穎。

which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.

那也是我們對於愛的需求與想法形成期。

It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we're 6 foot 2 with a pointy beard.

正式這個脆弱的自己持續地引導著我們的心，儘管我們身高近 6 呎 2、留著大把鬍子。

The loving self has a gossamer-thin ego; it gets hurt, frightened, and upset with desperate ease.

這個充滿愛的自我有著薄如蟬翼的自尊心，它很容易受傷、害怕，有著要小心呵護的玻璃心。

You could deeply distress it by interrupting it during a story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,

讓它感到焦慮的狀況有很多，包括在它跟你形容午餐三明治時打斷它、

by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday,

在它跟你形容昨天手臂上小豆豆時，問它不夠多問題、

by preferring a book to cuddling,

選擇看書而不擁抱、

or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.

或是在判定它應該看什麼電視頻道時有點難搞。

Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights, but we don't love by adult standards.

當然，這些在一般成人眼裡都是小事，但我們愛的方式不是比照成人標準。

These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to its tender, emotional core.

這幾把微小的箭足以刺傷那個愛到溫柔、感性內心深處的分身。

Ideally, of course, the small self would, at once, point out what's happened; it would carefully explain that it'd been frustrated and hurt.

當然了，在理想狀況下，這個微小的自我會立刻點出發生了什麼事，詳細地解釋它感到沮喪且受傷。

Its voice would be measured, undefensive, and charming, but mostly, it just stays silent.

它的嗓音會是有分寸、不具防備性且有魅力的，但多數時候，它只維持沈默。

That's forgivable⏤it doesn't properly understand what's wrong.

這是可以原諒的，畢竟它不完全了解哪裡出了錯。

It just knows it's in pain and is driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself, which translates into behavior that looks pretty cold.

它只知道自己身處痛苦之中，而直覺驅使它沈默並保護自己，進而轉化成看似冰冷的行為。

If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd, which is partly why it doesn't.

如果成人自我要為愛人自我的難過發聲，它聽起來、感覺起來都可能很荒謬，這也是它不發聲的部分原因。

There can be something especially humiliating in having to say:

要說出以下這種話可能會有特別丟臉的成份：

"I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break," or "I'm 45 years old, but not capable of sharing a TV remote control."

「我不覺得你對我的午休細節顯現出足夠細節」或「我 45 歲了，但沒辦法共享電視遙控器」。

These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on, but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.

對一個成人來說，要糾結這些真的都是很小的事，但我們內心讓自己在愛中變得脆弱的自我並不會遵循一般成人的規則。

The consequence is that the loving self dries up.

這樣的結果就是，愛人的自我會變得乾涸。

It doesn't want to have sex, it gets sarcastic and irritable, but it doesn't even know why it's like this.

它不想要發生性關係、變得嘲諷並易煩躁，但它連事情為什麼會這樣都不知道。

It isn't putting on an act; it's confused.

它不是在演戲，只是感到困惑。

To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress,

要學會應付這種情形，我們需要對於這種不斷變化的敏感與悲傷擁有明確的互相意識與原諒，

and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.

並願意在發生脫離或默示的狀況時，投入心力理解它。

We have to create a forum in which so-called "minor, love-sapping hurts" can safely be aired without the other dismissing⏤as they always so easily can⏤the issues at stake as "childish" or "imagined".

我們必須創造一個場合，讓所謂的「微不足道、削弱愛意的傷」得以安全地被說出，且讓需要討論的問題不被對方像平常樣容易地被置之不理、視為「幼稚」或是「想象的」。

The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life.

如果以後半輩子較健全的標準來判斷，愛人自我的敏感是荒謬的。

But this is not the rest of life.

但這是不後半輩子。

When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners.

當我們變得冷淡，並不一定是真的對另一半失去興趣。

We might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly, really rather hurt and furious with them.

我們可以只是需要一個機會，可以想像自己暗自認為對另一半感到非常受傷與憤怒。

And we should have access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged, and understood without risk of humiliation.

我們也應該能夠獲得一個安全的場合，可以在其中讓我們脆弱但重要的情感在沒有被羞辱的風險下，盡情被表達、釋放並理解。