I have some big news for you today.

今天有個消息要告訴大家

I finally did it, I got a match on Tinder and a date, let's go.

我終於做到了！我在 Tinder 上配對成功，要去約會了，走吧！

That's right mom, you didn't think I could but I did.

沒錯，媽！妳覺得我做不到，可是我做到了！

So if you're watching this, you can stop saying "oh you'll never have a girlfriend, you'll

所以如果你在看這個的話，你就可以停止說「喔！你永遠都不會有女朋友」

never find someone, you'll never amount to anything in your life, you're such a disappoint

「你不可能找到那個人」、「你一個都不會交到」、「你真是令人失望的傢伙」

and I wish I never had you"...

「真希望我沒生過你」

... f*ck ...

X

But anyways, it's totally legit guys, okay, we matched on Tinder.

反正各位，這完全是真的，我們是在 Tinder 上配對的

Check it out we've been messaging each other, okay, it's totally legit, not fake at all.

檢查看看，我們一直在互傳訊息，這完全是真的，不是假的

Yeah you heard me, I can go on dates if I want to, yeah no big deal, whatever.

對啊沒錯，如果我想的話我可以去約會，那沒什麼

But without further ado, let me introduce you to my date, Melissa.

但我還是閒話少說，讓我來介紹一下我的約會對象，Melissa

Oh what the f*ck.

喔X，這什麼

Aw, there you are!

啊，你在這！

So thank you so much for agreeing to do this video, I know it's kinda weird.

謝謝妳同意跟我一起做這個影片，我知道有點奇怪

I have to admit, I've been wanting to make a tinder date video for quite awhile now

我必須承認，我一直很想做 Tinder 約會的影片

but nobody ever matches with me, so thanks for believing in me.

可是從來沒有人跟我配對過，所以謝謝妳相信我

When I first asked you if you could be in a video, it was kinda sketch cause like,

我一開始問妳願不願意出現在一個影片裡，聽起來有點可疑

what if it's a porno right? "Yeah"

萬一它是色情片呢是不是？ - 對！

But, that's for later.

不過那是之後的事

To start out, I thought that I could ask you some questions, maybe get to know you a little bit better yeah?

那一開始，我想我可以問妳一些問題，也許可以更了解妳一點

"Okay yeah sure" Let's do it.

當然 - 那就開始吧！

First question, what would your ideal boyfriend be like?

第一個問題，妳的男友理想型長怎樣？

"I think he'd have to be fit, funny, and attractive".

我想他身材要好、搞笑、又具吸引力

I mean, I can be those things.

我的意思是，我可以變成那樣

Do you want to have kids one day?

妳之後想要有小孩嗎？

"Yes I do" Okay, yeah, same.

想啊！ - 好，一樣

We have so much in common.

我們有好多共通點

Would you like kids anytime soon though?

妳想要快點有小孩嗎？

"No"

不要

F*ck, okay..

X，好

So next question, what made you get a tinder?

那下一個問題，妳為什麼想用 Tinder？

"Well, just to make friends and have fun" Okay yeah same.

就只是想交朋友，然後好玩這樣 - 好喔！一樣

People usually use tinder to hook up but we wouldn't do anything like that.

大家常常用 Tinder 來亂搞，可是我們不會做這檔事

"Of course not"

當然不會

Alright, I stopped recording, you wanna have sex?

好，我停止錄影了，妳想要上床嗎？

"Yeah let's go" Aw f*ck yeah.

好啊走吧 - 哇X

We're kidding guys, okay obviously we're not like that..

我們在開玩笑的啦各位，很明顯啊！我們看起來就不是那種關係

Think they'll believe that sh*t? "I think we're good".

妳覺得他們會相信這種屁話嗎？ - 我覺得我們做得不錯

If you could marry any celebrity, who would it be?

如果你可以跟一個明星結婚，他會是誰？

"Definitely Zac Efron" Oh yeah he's a daddy.

絕對是柴克・艾弗隆 - 對，他是個暖男

What's something you absolutely hate about guys?

妳最討厭男生怎樣？

"Ugh, when they like Donald Trump" Oh true!

嗯，當他們喜歡川普的時候 - 喔！沒錯！

What is your favorite fruit?

妳最喜歡的水果是什麼？

"Pineapple" Pineapple, more like, you're a fine apple.

鳳梨 - 鳳梨，有點像，妳是一個好蘋果

What's your favorite body part on a man?

妳最喜歡男人的哪個身體部位？

"Eyes" Eyes, such bullshit everyone says that.

眼睛 - 眼睛，根本就是屁話，每個人都這樣說

If you couldn't tell, I don't really get the chance to talk to girls, so this is just new for me.

就像妳看到的，其實我不太有機會跟女生說話，所以這對我來說很新鮮

"How often do you talk to girls" Pff, like all the time, I'm kidding, totally joking,

"你多久跟女生說一次話？"噗，一直啊！開玩笑的啦！

like every day, weekly, monthly, maybe yearly.

可能每天、一個禮拜一次、一個月一次或一年一次

So how do you go about getting girls, not for me for course cause obviously I'm chilling,

那你覺得要怎麼把馬子，當然不是為了我，很明顯的我一個人很 OK

like for anybody who's watching maybe.

也許給那些在看影片的人

"Well you gotta compliment them, and be friendly, tend to her every need, put her first,

你要讚美她們，對她們好，滿足她的每項需求，把她放在第一位

every little thing counts, you gotta get her something every once in awhile, get to know her family,

注重每個小細節，一段時間就送她一些東西，了解她的家人

make sure she feels loved, make her feel special and show her respect"

確定她覺得被愛，讓她覺得她很特別，尊重她

You know what I'm just going to stay single for the rest of my life f*ck it.

- 你知道嗎？我只想要一個人度過我的餘生

Okay so I want to spice things up a little bit.

好，那我想要讓影片有趣一點

I have a script here for us. It's a little skit.

我這裡有一個劇本，一個幽默短劇

You down? "Sure"

加入嗎？ - 當然

Alright here we go guys, we present to you, The Plumber.

那各位，我們開始啦！為你帶來「水電工人」

"Oh no, my sink doesn’t work any more, I think I need a plumber!

喔不，我家水槽壞了，我覺得我需要一個水電工

Who could that be?"

那會是誰？

Don't worry!

別擔心！

I'm a plumber, and I'm here to take a look at your pipes!

我是水電工，我是來看一下你的水管的

"Oh wow, that was fast, thank you."

哇，好快喔，謝謝

Do you like my big hard tool?

妳喜歡我又大又硬的工具嗎？

"Yeah, that' s really big!"

對，它真的很大！

Thanks, I guess should look at your pipes now.

謝謝，我猜我現在應該看一下你的水管

Wow, it’s really wet down here.

哇！這下面真的很濕耶！

Just how I like it.

我喜歡

I think I need to drain my fluids..

我覺得我需要弄乾我的液體

I mean, the fluids.

我的意思是，這些水

"Oh yes, please do."

喔，沒錯，請做

First I have to lube these pipes up...

首先，我要先潤滑這些水管

There we go.

行了

All fixed.

修理好了

Looks like we're all done here.

看起來都完成了

"Thanks so much."

真的很謝謝你

Anytime, my pleasure.

沒事，這是我的榮幸

"Wait it says here that we have to kiss?"

等一下，劇本上說我們這邊要親嘴嗎？

I mean if it’s in the script, I guess, you know, we have to, oh darn.

如果劇本上面有，我想，你知道的，我們就應該… 討厭啦！

"Wait, didn't you write the script?"

等一下，不是你寫劇本的嗎？

Shut the fuck up bro what the hell?

閉嘴，你怎麼回事啊？

So what did you think about the date overall?

所以整體來說你覺得這個約會如何？

"I mean, it was interesting".

蠻有趣的

I'll take it.

我接受

How would you score this on like a 1-10?

1到10妳會打幾分？

"Four"

4

Aw f*ck.

喔X

Alright so that's it for this video, actually, I wanted to ask you something.

這就是這部影片，對了，我想拜託妳一件事

I was thinking that for the thumbnail of this video that maybe you could be kissing my cheek.

我想要做這個影片的縮圖，就是可能妳可以親我的臉頰

Just because, I mean, you don't have to..

恩… 妳也不一定要啦！

"I mean yeah" Yeah? Ah fuck yeah!

可以啊！ - 可以？喔耶！

I mean, yeah cool.. whatever.

酷！

Alright let's do it, let's do it.

好，開始吧！

Alright.

好

I'm so f*cking hard right now

我現在很硬

Well that's pretty much it, thank you guys so much for watching I hoped you enjoyed the video.

那就這樣啦！謝謝大家的觀看！希望你喜歡這支影片

If you did, please give me a thumbs up to let me know, comment, subscribe if you're

喜歡的話，給我一個讚，留言、訂閱，如果你還沒訂閱的話

not already but otherwise, I'll catch you guys next, Motoki Monday.

我們下次 Motoki Monday 見

By the way guys this is totally fake.

還有，這些都是假的

We're actually friends, and this is to make fun of people who make fake videos like this,

我們其實是朋友，這只是想取笑那些做像這樣假影片的人

but we did match on Tinder..

不過我們確實是在 Tinder 上配對的

"Plus, I'm lesbian".

還有，我是女同志