for their kids this time of year.

I don't have kids.

That's why I don't have jam in my hair.

But I like to remind people why I don't have kids,

in a segment that I call, "Why I Don't Have Kids."

[audience laughter]

[Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" plays]

All right, this one right here is from an Instagram account

called "Moms Who Need Wine."

[audience laughter]

He looks a little flushed.

[audience laughter]

Maybe they don't have a bathtub. Maybe he's just--

[audience laughter]

This one is from Maria, uh... Pedregon, I think,

in Phoenix, Arizona.

[audience laughter]

Well, you keep 'em organized that way, I guess.

[audience laughter]

"Hold on, honey. Let me take a picture

while your brother runs out of air."

[audience laughter]

This next one is from my writer, Gil.

His daughter got into his shaving cream.

[audience laughter]

Yep. We also got a letter from Gil's wife,

saying that she'll never leave the kids alone

with her husband again.

[audience laughter]

And this last one is a video from Ruthann Farrell

posted on Ellentube.

- Addison, did you get into my mascara?

- No. [audience laughter]

I didn't. I just put it back.

- You just put it back? - Uh huh.

I put it back.

[audience laughter]

Just putting it back.

All right, well, I'm gonna send you some Cover Girl mascara

to replace that, and some wet wipes.

And that is why I don't have kids,

but please keep sending me pictures to remind me why.