RUSHING SOUND

Hello?!

Hi.

Hello?

I was er... um, was on my hand.

What?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time.

Wind drying.

Peking ducks.

Right.

Sorry.

I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.

Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away

while I make us a nice cup of tea?

Ah!

Ah! Hello, sorry.

Er, wow. We can, er...

Right through?

Weird, yeah?

Who knew a student house would come with its very own glory hole!

What's a glory hole?

Oh, it's nothing. It's silly.

Forget it. Just something I heard.

Definitely heard it before.

Are you Googling? Don't Google...

Oh!

No, right. I can see now.

That is definitely glorious.

Yes, well, not every glory hole has to be used for... that.

They can also be used for...

Kingsley.

Josie.

So, you're a coffee man?

Woman.

The Coffster!

Yep. Coffee.

I'm mental for my coffee. Seriously, It's like a problem.

You've got your tea?

It's tea for me.

Miss Tea!

I like tea and coffee, so...

You're the mystery woman. Impossible to pin down.

So, did you arrive, like, yesterday?

Try two years ago.

And did all your mates move on?

That is what we must assume.

So...

Look at us all.

In a year, we might be like,

"God, we all missed out on halls,

"got put into a uni house

"and remember when we had that first cup of tea?"

Very good.

I suppose it falls to me

to guide you through the secrets of your new abode.

Chest freezer, self-explanatory. Basic item.

Washing machine, ditto, yadda yadda yadda.

The dry washing machine.

Pointless. Fucked.

This... This isn't...

It's a tumble drier.

That's a good place to crouch.

If you're fearful of, like, ghosties,

or local youths, or chemical or biological warfare.

Yeah. That's a sweet crouching spot.

So, what course are you doing?

Oh, dentistry.

And you? Geology.

Paul Lamb. What I've deduced from the evidence

since his arrival yesterday.

Loves cumin, hates society, uses Imperial Leather in moderation,

toilet paper in excess.

Never yet sighted in person.

Paul Lamb, the invisible man.

Water will accumulate like that after a big rain.

That's classic. Seen that 1,000 times, my friends.

That's enough, Speccy Gandalf. Time to lead us to the fucking pub.

So, what did you do in your year off?

I didn't have a year off.

Tell me about it! Wish I'd had a year off.

I thought you said you had a year off. In Vietnam?

The spider monkey that could do a scalp massage?

Oh, yeah.

No, but it was hardcore.

More like a year on than a year off.

I did six months working in a fish factory in Arbroath.

So, you must know a lot about fish.

Yeah. One day soon, all the fish will be gone from the sea.

Let me tell you, I'll be the first one out

on the streets celebrating. Finally.

Fucking victory!

Psst!

Hello.

Hey, buddy. Do you want to come in here?

Don't worry, dude. I'm not a fucking bender.

And I'm not a homophobe, so we're both good. See you later.

Come on! Freebies. Get your schnozz in here.

Yeah, what is it?

Coke.

Come on.

Pretty sure it's coke.

I mean, it's from a guy, so it should be coke.

You can go first.

If it isn't coke, then just say.

Hello. Could I have one twentieth of your pint, please?

Should nail something tonight, right?

This place is crawling with quality anus.

Excuse me, may I suck on your teat?

I was going to get the lemon tickler,

but they're out so just went with natural.

Who needs flavours anyway? My cock already tastes amazing!

I imagine.

Hello. Could I have one twentieth of your pint please?

Fuck off, mate.

Is the correct answer.

But look what the suckers donated.

What is this?

Port and vodka.

Baileys. At Stowe, we called it The Stoweminator.

I should probably get back to my friends.

OK, cool.

You know if you'd like any fruit from the pussy tree,

cameraphone that shit up, Bluetooth my ass. Wank swap!

Sounds fun!

Well, we should probably meet up tomorrow

for lunch or something, you know?

Get a motherfucking baked potato? Right, dude?

Er, yeah! Yeah, although I can't make that, I came to the wrong thing.

I'm at Knutsford, doing agricultural engineering.

So, it's been amazing and I've got to go to Knutsford, so laters.

Will you at least see if this coke is poisonous?

Shall we talk to women? This place is crawling with quality human beings.

Women like that aren't for likes of us.

Us?

She'd sniff us out. She'd sense the fear.

Nah. I reckon I could easily slide in there. Vibe it out.

Easy to say, 10 to 15 feet away from her body.

But you couldn't actually talk to her.

Course I could!

Back home, they call me... the Pussyman.

People refer to you as the Pussyman?

Yes.

"Would the Pussyman like some cashew nuts?"

"Yes please, the Pussyman adores cashew nuts!"

Look, you get the drinks. Fuck it, I'll see if Josie wants to...

No, Josie's taken.

Pow, pa-pow-pow!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

A book. Nice.

So, you into books and that?

Yeah, I suppose I am.

Cool, I'm a bit of a booky and that myself.

Love them words. Us bookies should stick together.

Nightmare, isn't it?

Hi, I'm Howard. This is my friend The Pu...

Person Who Goes By The Name Of Kingsley.

Rachel.

Anyway, bollocks to me. It's all about you.

I bet you're from somewhere normal, like Coventry.

Aberbeeg.

Exactly. Somewhere like that. Brilliant.

Re-charge!

Sorry!

♪ Take a drink from a magic potion

♪ Soon you're going to really feel fine

♪ Upon my soul I feel fine... ♪

What do you think of Kingsley?

I like Kingsley.

I like Kingsley.

Don't shit where you eat.

Oh, God, I don't "like him" like him. I just like him.

Oh, I know, me neither. Exactly.

Anyway, I think he's pulled, not that I even care.

Course he has. First night's a freebie.

Are you girls banging tonight?

Er?

I dunno? Are you?

Maybe. I like to strap one on early,

get one under the belt. But that's just me.

Of course.

Some good-looking guys here.

And girls.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

So. What A levels did you do?

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

I'm sorry. It's cool. It's just...

I know! I'm sorry. I don't even know why I asked.

Don't worry. It's fine. It's just a bit lame.

Oh, God! Am I incredibly lame?

Don't worry about it, sweetheart.

It's not lame. It's just I didn't do any A levels.

I took my exams out of the barrel of a gun.

Yeah. Besides. Lameness comes out in the wash.

Just got to scrub it off with booze and spliff and pussy and cock.

So then Mum started having seizures and I had to stay

in the flat to look after her.

Me and Mum, that's been the last five years.

Sorry, I'm gabbling. When you asked about the crisps,

I got on a roll. I'm gabbling again.

No, it's amazing.

I just had to do it. I meant until I came here.

What, eventually you just said, "fuck you, I'm going"?

What? No! God, no. Now she has a dog who looks after her.

A dog?

It's trained to tell when she's about to have a fit.

It must have been difficult for you.

I guess, but on the plus side, you're aware

of the fragility of people, how much we all need each other.

I'm just with some friends,

but I might get my bag and may be we could grab a seat?

Oh, yeah, great, yeah.

Yum, yum, yum.

What?

She ate that up, you filthy beast.

What? The bullshit.

She ate it all down.

That wasn't bullshit.

The five years in the council flat? The fits? The wasted youth? The dog?

No. That's all for real.

Wow.

Then that is pretty gay, man.

How is looking after my mum gay?

If I was humping her,

and she wasn't my mum and she was a man, that might have been gay.

So, have either of you got boyfriends at home or...?

Nah.

National Express doesn't even go to Belmarsh, so, you know?

No. Thank God.

My sister says you're on the phone the first year,

you break up and second year's like first year

and third year's like your second year but with the hot guys nailed,

you're left on the shelf if there was one, which there isn't.

So, nightmare, this statement bullshit, right?

Oh, yeah. Too right. What statement?

The 1,000-word "Why English?" statement for tomorrow?

Oh, no. I've been off-grid. I haven't done any laundry since June.

Seriously, when I saw squeezy Marmite I freaked my nut.

Maybe I might... strap a guy on for the night?

Do it.

He looks like a safe pair of hands.

Clean. A washer.

I'm not sure I totally liked him but...

Whoa, You don't want to get into "liking".

First night, starter lay - strictly business.

I was thinking of heading back to my place.

Fine. Understood.

No... But wondered if you fancied coming?

Well, sure!

Great! I'll go and say goodbye.

Sure.

Don't do this. This does not happen. It's a trap.

It's not a trap, Howard, it's just how the Pussyman rolls.

Your kidneys are going on eBay.

She's going to eat you. And not in the good way.

OK.

Right. Good.

Here we go.

Can't just wait around forever like a silver ring... ming.

So, time to load up and... strap on!

OK. Yeah.

She's doing it.

That's cool.

So what A levels did you do?

Maths, chemistry and physics. They call it the nut buster.

Paul, is that you?

Where's my wine?