- And you're out of the house and everything.

- Oh, I'm so out of the house right now.

- You have so many children now.

You have two children so close together.

- I got 'em wet after midnight. - Yep.

- They multiply, guys.

- So how old is-- the first one is Lincoln?

- And the first one-- Lincoln is 22 months,

and Delta is seven weeks.

[audience exclaims] Whoa, yeah.

- Whoa. - She's cute.

And I'm so happy to be--

this feels like a vacation, coming here.

It really does.

Everyone here speaks in full sentences,

and no one's asked me to wipe their buns...

- Not yet. - Yet.

So, yeah, I'm very happy to be out of the house for a--

- That's amazing. Seven weeks old?

- Yeah. - That's--and sleeping?

Is she sleeping?

- She just--she's-- slept quite a bit last night.

She slept, I think, eight hours last night

in one stretch.

I don't think it'll stick.

But it was a-- it was a nice treat.

- And Lincoln likes being a big sister?

- Loves. Loves, yeah.

- Dax was here last month,

and he told a story about the birth of the child.

Did you watch that? - He's very dramatic.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- No, I know, you know-- well, it's interesting,

'cause I wanted to tell you--

[laughter]

What the--

- I don't know what we were doing.

- Something awesome. - I'm not sure.

- He told you how traumatic it was for him,

but, to be honest, my perspective was--

as someone who has never experimented with drugs,

I really enjoyed it.

It was kind of a wonderful experience for me.

While they were doing it, I actually thought, like,

"What else could we get done down there while this"--

- Wow.

"Just--and maybe lengthen the shins."

I've always wanted to be, like, 5'7''.

Just anything to keep the epidural flowing,

'cause I felt so-- these modern hospitals, man.

- They have-- - They treat you right.

- So it was a C-section. - Yes.

- It was not planned. - No.

- It was something that had to happen,

so they gave you drugs to prepare you for that.

- They did, and I felt really great.

But the-- [chuckles]

The interesting part of the story

is that a couple hours later--

like, it wears out of your system slowly,

and about six or seven hours later,

I'm sitting in my hospital bed, and I say to Dax,

"Well, I think the epidural has finally worn off."

And he looks over, and I am scratching holes

in my face like a meth addict.

And I'm like, "I think it might be time to re-up.

"I don't know. I'm, um--

'cause it's definitely worn off."

And he said, "Are you-- are you sure?

You think it's worn off, hon?"

And I said, "Yeah."

So the nurse comes in, and obviously,

she notices and offered a little bit of Benadryl

to help with the itching and put me to sleep.

Well, what a cocktail.

[laughter]

Because I started-- I had a lot to say--

more than when I'm sober, believe that or not.

I started telling all these stories,

and later he tells me I was taking 30-second pauses

in between "and" and "the."

And I would just...

go out.

And I grabbed my phone, and the light was like--

do you know what looks really good when you're on that stuff?

Handbags.

[laughter]

Or throw pillows or rugs.

And I was just like, "Pew! Pew! Internet shopping. Whoo!"

Thank God I didn't remember my credit card number.

[laughter] So nothing bad happened.

But Dax kept--I mean, it-- honestly, a picture

of a throw pillow was as mind-blowing

as, like, seeing "The Matrix" for the first time.

That's how I felt. - Wow.

- He said, "Honey, do you think

you should maybe put down your phone?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna have--

just one more minute."

And he finally-- he seized the device,

put it away, and I'm happy to say

I'm stone-cold sober today.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

- Good. [applause]

I'm glad to hear you didn't get

hooked on that-- all hopped up.

- No, I didn't. No. - No.

- [laughs]

- So you have the two, and now it seems like that--

plus they're so close together.

That's a lot of work.

Are you gonna have more children or no?

- No. No, no.

We don't want to be outnumbered.

[laughter]

We don't want to be outnumbered. - Smart.

- Until, I suppose, I accidentally get pregnant,

and my third child watches this clip

and realizes that he was an accident.

Sorry, honey.

No, but--yeah.

We're gonna cap it at two. - Yeah.

And he must feel outnumbered,

'cause now he's got all girls in the house.

- Girls to boys, yeah.

He likes to say that

he never thought he'd be surrounded by so many women

and not having this much sex.

[laughter]

- He's hilarious.

He's a good dad though, right?

He's got to be-- - He's a wonderful dad.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.