and I admit that. But there are some games bearing that alliterative name that even I

can�t defend. Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates is one such game. Sure, it purports

to have some connection to Final Fantasy. There are, in fact, moogles. Stiltzkin makes

an appearance. There are spells to cast in Fire, Blizzard, and Thunder flavors. This...

um, thing... looks for all the world like a Behemoth. It�s sure trying to be Final

Fantasy, isn�t it? But there are no morally ambiguous young men here. You�re not dealing

with a sea of angst, cloaked in darkness and spouting ellipses everywhere. No, you�re

dealing with... eight-year-old twins getting into the kinds of fights eight-year-olds get

into.

AND THEN HE�S SWINGING THE HATCHET AROUND LIKE A MANIAC. Honestly, this could be called

�Final Fantasy Child Endangerment: Ring of Cautionary Tales.� As would be cynically

expected from such a game, most of the action fixes on Yuri, this juggalo wannabe with the

bladed object, and Chelnika, his eternally wet blanket of a twin sister. They get into

your standard well-meaning misadventures involving shadowy forces attempting to dominate the

world, with the one relishing every opportunity to do something stupid and reckless, and the

other refusing to shut up about how stupid and reckless said action is. So just block

out their antics and pay attention to the gameplay, which... well, take the better parts

of the original Crystal Chronicles and get rid of the bedamned bucket. This is basically

what you�re left with: dungeon-crawling action-RPGing with materials to gather, enemies

to hack apart, and various foodstuffs to chomp down for HP. This is Crystal Chronicles, the

Final Fantasy designed for Multiplayer (not counting the weirdness that was Final Fantasy

VI). As such, you can team up with your friends for exploratory purposes via local wi-fi,

doing all that fun stuff like coordinating combined magical attacks and ganging up on

huge bosses.

Or so I�d say, if there were anyone else in this zipcode with a copy of this game.

So, in an improvement over the GameCube version, you actually get to control multiple units

in the single-player campaign! Though �control� is a strong word in this case. Really, they�re

just going to stand around when they could be hitting something or someone, occasionally

getting lost and being beckoned back with the L button. By tapping the icons on the

touchscreen, you can switch between characters, as well as coordinate magical combos yourself

by beginning a cast (using the same kind of targeting-ring system familiar to players

of the original), then poking the icon of an ally currently equipped with a compatible

esper, I mean eidolon, I mean materia, I mean magicite. The effects will stack, and there

will be a pronounced explosion, all the better to bring down this clapperclaw right here.

But while Ring of Fates tries desperately to emulate its big brother, going so far as

to bring back the weapon-synthesis system and everything, ultimately it�s the drastic

shift in tone from elegant fairytale to ham-fisted Berenstain Bears morality play that dooms

this one from the jump. Play it for the mechanics if you must, just please don�t expect that

Final Fantasy is anything like... wait. That kid�s got ONE AND A HALF PANT LEGS. I guess

this is Final Fantasy, then. My argument is invalid. Judge all you want.