reporting today on that distant Australian state

where on the 26th of January they annually celebrate

a date that they denominate "Australia Day"

But, much as in the US of A with Columbus Day,

or Canada Day, in Canada, eh, each year a debate takes place

as to the way societies built on colonial occupation

should celebrate the genesis of their cherished nation.

So today, we have an Australian correspondent from Channel Mine

Can you hear me, Ken Oathcarn? - Ken Oathcarn!

how ya goin'! I'm reportin from Straya, hey!

coming live and that, providin' facts on this amazin day

when we take a national holiday off from hard yakka

and celebrate with barbies, beer, charred tucker

mates, eskis, sheilas, the Thorpedo

Vegemite, miners, Tony Abbot, short speedos

- But... what exactly are you celebrating?

- I'll tell ya, Robbo... but first, before we begin

I'd like to acknowledge the traditional robbers of this land

d'you like what we've done with the place? Ain't it grand?!

Yehhh, it all started here in 1788,

after Captain Crook discovered this pristine real estate,

We were Stray-aliens looking for a place to settle in

So we landed in Sydney with the First Fleet of 11 ships

it was no-one's land, unpopulated, terra nullius

so we built fences, bridges, opera-houses, and deforested

made heaps of land for growing LAMBS and, in time

since that land was ours we started to mine! mine! mine!

And now, regardless of footy-team, creed or ethnic persuasion

we celebrate this day as One Nation

- Hmm... It seems strange that in order to be a proud Australian

you celebrate a British military occupation.

- Eh? - Moving on: Aboriginal people

- You mean, 'blackfellas'? - Are they included in this day?

- Ken oathcarn! - Then tell us, why they name it "Invasion Day" and "Survival Day"?

Did it mark the start of war, even genocide - as some say?

- Nahhh, we had a peaceful settlement, an Intervention:

brought those poor natives blankets, medicines;

raised them from the stone age, gave 'em income management

and even tried to smooth their pillows to content them

That's the Strayian way - so we now enjoy our conquest

and worship this altar of flamin' gas with clear consciences

We brought the CROWN and TB to this land, cunt

And Arnott's Tim Tams - what more could you want?

- Well, how about changing Australia Day to a less... offensive date?

- Such as? - Any other day would be better to celebrate:

How about the date Australia was federated?

- January 1st? Mate, on that date, we already get wasted.

- How about May 27, then, the day when, back in 'sixty-seven

Australians voted in a great referendum

in which ninety per-cent of you said, "fair dinkum:

Aboriginals are humans too, let's make them citizens."

- Listen, Robbo, Straya Day is here to stay.

Chrissakes, mate, we already had Sorry Day.

And who are you anyway - some pommy poofter, trynna judge me?

If you don't like it here, then get the fuck out of me country!

Australia!

Australia!

Straya day!

yeah, cunt!

Comin' again, to celebrate invasion

Straya day!

yeah, cunt!

Denial is the only way, cunt

Refugees, you're fucking screwed, if you try to come into

Australia! yeah, cunt!

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt!

This is Ken Oathcarn; reporting for channel Mine, from the Lucky Cunnnnt-ry.

Thank you, Ken, you've helped us all to see

why this date, and no other has got to be the national holiday

'Australia Day'; it reflects an honest memory

of the first day of systematic robbery

and denial of the natives' sovereignty

on which was built this great settler-colony.

To change the day without acknowledging this

well... wouldn't that simply be massive hypocrisy?

'Lest we forget' - we often say of our brave heroes.

But if we take pride in our ancestors' achievements

shouldn't we also recognize their malfeasant ways?

'Til then, I bid you all, happy 'Amnesia Day'