I've got slow-drying pubic hair.

Maybe it's time for a trim?

They're not long, they're just spongy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What, out of interest, was in the...

It's not a human head.

It's not a human head?

No. It's the weight and shape of a human head.

But it isn't a human head.

Well, that's good. It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot,

I'm thinking, is it a human head?

And the answer is, no.

So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.

Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish...

Vegetable munge.

Sounds... disappointing.

No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.

So, this is very generous of you.

What a very generous person you are.

Do you want me to lay the table?

Or do you want to do all the laying?

What looks like a head, but isn't a head?

You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together?

Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.

He is amazing company.

A knobbly melon?

Maybe everyone just help themselves.

Which is your motto, right?

I'm kidding.

What?

I've seen enough rom-coms to know,

if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.

What are you doing?

That's Paul's room. Have you asked him?

Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it. You know what he's like.

No, not really. I haven't actually met him. Have you met him?

He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement,

we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.

Did you tell Kingsley about the other night?

No.

It's obvious you did.

So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret?

I mean, what's so wrong with me?

Nothing.

Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition?

But what you've got to understand, babes,

is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.

They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.

I mean, it won't happen again.

Unless you want it to.

In which case, my door's always open.

Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.

I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle

and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.

Right, um, do me a favour.

Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him. It never actually happened.

No.

Why not?

Look, I'm not being chivalrous here...

although obviously, I am...

But I'm not ashamed of doing you.

That's really sweet.

I know.

Although, obviously it isn't,

and the thing is, I am a shamed of doing you.

Oh!

Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties,

but the house is nice, so...

Yeah, they're nice.

Well, the girls are nice.

The boys are cocks.

Two of them are megacocks.

No, it's great. I'm just a little bit homesick, you know?

Oh, OK.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

No, I was just ringing to say hello.

OK.

Oh, how nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.

What?

Kingsley the judgmental Pope man,

doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more?

I wasn't, I...

Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record

that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.

I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.

I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to

but if I do it now and again,

it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.

What?

Classic.

Absolutely classic.

You'll be humpin' tonight.

What's going on?

I've been to the shops.

Yes, I understand that.

But how did you get that lot back?

Oh, I... um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.

Really?

Yep.

See?

Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.

Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me. Having a penis I didn't even know about.

I woke up a few times on my year off

having had a penis I didn't know about!

Good.

Yes.

Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.

What are you doing?

Oh! Yes. I shouldn't have looked.

I have only myself to blame.

What is it?

Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.

Have you killed Russell Brand?

No.

Oh, really?

My mate worked at a waxworks place. They screwed him on overtime

so I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around,

and put his label on her so you can have that if you like?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I want

the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders?

You don't have to fucking feed him.

Greetings, my waxy friend.

I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.

OK. Laters, guys. Laters. Wicked lecture.

Yeah, wicked. Thanks.

So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, you can't ask that, just kidding around. How was I?

Pretty boring.

I'm kidding.

Oh! Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fucker!

Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary?

I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.

Do you wanna go get a drink?

No.

Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything?

You guys take care. Oh, on Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.

Cool.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes!

Hello?

It's me. JP. From Stowe?

I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson?

You got caught wanking under the college oak?

Oh, yeah. Right.

It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.

I just had an itchy cock. That was all.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.

Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.

Awesome. Where are you living?

We're in Toytown. What halls are you in?

I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.

Sorry to hear that, geez. What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals?

It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten"

No, man. My house is awesome.

It's full of hotties who all love to... suck and fuck.

Are you serious?

Oh, they love to hump, like, the whole time.

For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.

I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.

All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.

Yeah, right. Well, we'd better chip. We're going to blag ourselves

into the Wentworth Court party tonight. What are you up to?

Oh, man, I'll probably just be

back at the love shack, you know.

My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.

Yeah, right, um...

Sorry about telling you to fuck off. I sort of got on a bit of a roll.

That's all right. I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.

Of course, the Pope shouldn't really be knocking on girls' bedroom doors.

Hmm, you do realise I'm not the actual Pope?

Oh, that's right. You're the Pussyman.

Tell me, how did you get that nickname?

Fuck a doodle doo! I've only just bumped into King Ralph!

I was at school with him. The guy is a ledge.

Amazing.

JP. We were in the middle of something?

I mean, what are the chances of all us Stowe boys just rocking up in Manchester?

Quite high. It's a good university and you're privately educated.

Look, word is, tonight Wentworth is going genocidal.

So we need to be there.

What a knob.

I'm warming to him.

Let's run away and hide before he comes back.

Oh, look, all the gang's here!

Hey, guys. Hey, I think Vod likes him. She just bit him on the elbow.

Anything... going on?

No, Howard, there's nothing going on.

I understand. You live together, so you're stuck in "friend zone".

I liked a girl in the house last year,

but it never happened because she'd seen me holding the bog brush.

Wentworth's on lockdown.

And apparently people are saying

that tonight they're literally having a fucking Jagermeister orgy.

So... what's the story? Are you banging tonight?

Eh? Oh, Riz. Yeah.

He's in Apeshit Dusseldorf.

I fucking love musicians. They're so...

Talented.

Arrogant. I really get off on that.

Ah, yeah, I know what you mean.

I like a guy who's going to pull my hair and throw me about a bit.

So are you gonna ask him out on a date?

A date? What, like a candlelit dinner?

What are we, bank managers? No.

I'm gonna wait for a party,

force-feed him tequila and jump on him.

Classic.

Although my weapon of choice is sambuca.

Tequila's a bit... clean.

Yes, yes, people, check it out.

I'm DJing 12 till 3 at Wentworth tonight.

Yous are Wentworth, right?

(ALL) No.

Oh, my days. Unlucky.

Well, that's it.

We've basically missed university.

We're in social Siberia. Everyone in halls is bonding

and we're just free radicals, ageing prematurely.

Fuck it. Let's have a rival party. A fuck you to halls.

Yes!

Sweet!

I am out.

I can't believe none of you have got a car. Nothing!

Not even a Fiat Panda.

Take these.

Yeah, I notice you don't have a car?

Wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1.

I can't drive it at the moment, got points on my license.

Apparently I was speeding and apparently I was drunk.

Students who have cars are dicks.

Yeah!

Why?

Because they're not students.

If you've got a car and a satnav,

you're a ponce whose dad works in the city

and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

Cars are cool, everyone knows it.

That's why even lesbians like Top Gear.

You're strong, I'm tired. Carry these for me.

Why won't you come to the party, Howard?

I'll be at the house, but I won't be "at the party".

I've seen parties. Parties have happened.

They never achieve anything.

What are we doing about food?

I'm making more munge.

Should get some cream for that!

Come on, high five me!

Come on, someone! Don't leave me hanging,

That was gold!